36He didn't know how he got here, now. He couldn't remember the details.
The events of the last hour were swirling in his brain like a distant cry of mixed images he couldn't quite piece together, dancing along chaotically to the off-beat sound of gun-shots popping in the air, ear-splitting police sirens and high-speed chases on rooftops...
All he knew was that he saw red.
The moment Hailey fell down to the floor before his blood-shot eyes, a heart-tearing, choked cry roaring through her chest, as she clutched her busted shoulder in pain and agony, all bets were off. The offender struck her and ran away...and no matter how much she bit down hard on her bottom lip, urging the pain to stop enough for her to force her weakened body to move again...she couldn't.
The damage was too severe.
In his frenzied state, toxic panic mixed with raw hurt coursing through his veins, Jay tried to physically fight Voight off, but his boss was relentless...or maybe the only one who held some semblance of self-control now. The sargeant stopped him by a breath, nearly tearing his jacket off to tiny pieces in the process.
Because Jay was mere inches away from killing that bastard with his own two hands or drawing a bullet right through his skull.
He could. He would've. He didn't know he could be that man... until now...
He'd kill whoever dared to lay a single finger on Hailey without batting an eye.
The real reason why was just as distant in his mind now...or maybe at the forefront of his scattered thoughts.
But it was one truth he'd never admit out loud.
He had no idea he just did. To everyone who saw him today.
Sometime in between his confrontation with Voight and his frantic quest to reach his wounded partner's side, he vaguely registered Kim and Kevin chasing the suspect down on some dark alley, eventually apprehending him. Those were all the foggy specifics he could recall.
Because, before he even knew it, another obstacle materialized itself before his eyes, keeping him away from his partner - the medical team forcefully pulling him away from her, only expanding that crushing tightness rising in his stomach and throat now. It wasn't long before his concern and unstoppable fury burst wide open like a can of soda.
The lid he had on his rage boiled over and there was only one destination...
In a heartbeat, his attention switched back to Voight, voice coming out ragged and raw as he growled at him...
Even from meters away, battled and bruised, with a bandaged shoulder, Hailey heard…maybe not the specifics either, but what was important - the sound of his voice. Angry, rough but scared...so scared.
Jay was too high strung to notice any of it.
Too goddamn furious to hear the calm, detached, professional tones of Voight's voice trying to scold him or maybe rein him in all the same.
"What were you thinking?" – his boss and the only real father figure he's ever known grabbed him by the shirt, roughly, brown-eyes boring into his like steely daggers. "You were one inch away from opening fire on an unarmed perpetrator. One—"
"What were YOU thinking?"
The words flew out of his mouth, nothing left in him to stop them.
He couldn't stop himself anymore.
Not when all he had now was that image...that faint trace of blood etched onto Hailey's bottom lip, that fleeting wave of helplessness in her eyes...
"...letting Hailey go in there alone?"
Voight crossed his arms, aggressively, ready to spew even more venomous fire at any point…but Jay was nowhere near backing down.
"You let her go in without back-up.." – the detective's voice morphed into a low, threatening rumble crashing against his ribs, every syllable shaking with anger and something else..
"I'm her…I'm her…" - he paused…then choked altogether, that single word he couldn't quite speak lingering on his lips, taunting him…
Because it was so close...
"Partner…"
But not close enough.
Beat by beat, Jay's tortured voice dropped into a mournful symphony of audible cracks, raining down one by one…
Hailey heard that, too...because even from afar, in spite of any distance separating them, physical or otherwise, the sound still echoed in her.
"I wasn't supposed to be on a stake-out, I was supposed to…"
Protect her.
Voight's stern gaze unknowingly softened, as he watched Jay wrestle with himself more and more, running an angry hand through his short hair, feet stomping the floor like he was urging it to ground him from below, limbs trembling with unchained rage...
But not at the perpetrator.
At…himself.
"Upton is one of the best detectives I know…" – the sargeant clarified with nothing but honesty and professionalism, maintaining his usual tone, despite viewing the man before him as his own flesh and blood. "It was her call. Not yours, not mine."
Unshed tears formed in Jay's eyes, no notice or heads-up given, threatening to boil over, just like his self-control did…
"You say she's your partner…sounds to me like you don't trust her judgment—"
The fragile hold on his carefully hidden feelings was about to do the same…
"Of course I trust Hailey, that's not what this is about—"
By this point, Jay was pacing back and forth erratically, unaware of his own anxious gestures…
"Then what is it?"
Until he stopped dead in his tracks, the spoken question only holding more unspoken ones underneath...
He couldn't answer any..
"We're…we're partners…" - the words dropped on impulse, like a mantra he kept repeating to himself, day in and day out...
Maybe if he said it enough, someday he would believe it, too..
"Next time, she's..." - he rubbed his hands together, chewing on his bottom lip harshly until it almost bled, too, just like hers did..."Not doing this alone."
"And what if that won't be your call to make?" – Voight grabbed his shoulders in an authoritative manner, forcing him to listen. Despite the height difference, under the weight of that disapproving gaze, he felt small…smaller than he should be, like a scolded child who knew he was in the wrong but was too stubborn to admit it. "I need to know that if Upton is ever in danger again and you can't intervene…you won't lose your head. Can you promise me that, Jay?"
Jay looked down with the mannerisms of a wounded child now, a pang of guilt taking over unannounced yet again. The real answer was looming above, crushing him like no weight ever had…
And he carried plenty...more than a single man ever should have.
"Or I'm gonna have to assign her a new partner—"
"I can do it, sarge. I'm sorry…I don't know what got into me."
"Pull yourself together, Halstead.." – with a pointed, accusatory glare, Voight finally let go, shifting away. "This conversation is not over." – he added, before making his way to the squad car.
The sirens blazing in the distance loudly were still no match for what was blazed inside of him when Hailey meekly approached him, seemingly out of nowhere, with practiced calm and gentleness in her motions as always. With a bandaged shoulder and a weak, but genuine smile he never knew was only meant for him, she walked forwards...
She was as beautiful as always, blonde locks framing angelical features, from eyes that drowned him like the sea to plump lips calling out to him, melodically, a tune he's spent years listening but never quite sang along to...
He knew each one of those features like the back of his hand.
"Jay.." – she called out softly, clearing her throat, her hand coming up to rest against his elbow. "What was that all about?"
Her feather-light touch seemed to ground him, if only for a moment..
He seemed to falter...reconsider...
"It was…it was nothing."
Or maybe not...
He shook his head, leaning back, denying her much-too inviting touch with that last semblance of self-control he thought he no longer possessed...
"It didn't sound like nothing…" - she tried again, probing cautiously.
"Just drop it, Hailey, okay?"
Maybe he was wrong, he had no self-control anymore.
Because he just snapped. Loud and harsh and so tragically undeserved...
He snapped at the last person in the world who deserved it.
He bit down hard on his tongue, urging the words to un-speak themselves but it was too late…they already passed his lips.
And when he saw the unadulterated hurt flashing across those honest blue eyes hiding more pain than she let on, more stories than she ever said with words, he crumbled completely…
And she saw. She knew.
Because she knew him like no one else.
"I'm not…" – she whispered, calm and steady, inching closer. "I'm not letting you do this."
One step, one move and she was back by his side, latching onto his right arm with her good one and all the strength she had left in her...
"Talk to me.."
Easier said than done.
A/N: Based on this lovely (and funny) post by octaviareina on Tumblr, which I decided to expand on with a little more angst and tragedy..
You know, if they get Hailey hit or almost... i really hope for Jay to yell in Voight's face "it wouldn't happen if she were with me, we're partners, you bitch."
Dedicated to the user above and my Upstead crowd/co-captains of this amazing ship on Tumblr - karihighman, CpdHalstudFan.
P.S. This is what I have so far...I might take it further if anyone's intrigued by it. :)
