1Blitzcranks Joyful Adventure
A/N To commemorate Halloween, URF, and my first blitz game, I threw this piece together whilst, admittedly, a little drunk on this wonderful night. I hope you all enjoy the closest thing to crack I'll ever write.
Blitzcrank was a simple creature. He lived for one thing, and one thing only.
To be more like his idol - Q OF THE GODS MADLIFE.
Ever since he'd joined the league of legends, it was the only thing he yearned for, practiced for, and died for. All for the chance - the small possibility - to prove himself as worthy as the idol he adored. Countless seconds spent watching Thresh montages missed flash q's, and unfortunate moments of ping later, he was finally ready to display his skills to the world.
Hopping into the rift, Blitzcrank knew he had only 1 objective. To create a title for himself (he personally liked "Crack of House", but he was still in the random word generation phase of his creativity algorithm).
Of all things, he'd been saddled with a Veigar ADC. If he had to guess, the summoners had probably gone through a few too many lines of "sugar" again, as they liked to describe it to him. He had an Olaf top, and an Ahri mid with a Pantheon Jungle. The Panth pick was a little sketchy, however, because you couldn't see his face in any of the photoshoots they'd done before the match.
Nonetheless, as the gates fell on the fountain and Blitzcrank rushed out onto the rift with his team, he reminded himself of his one and only objective. To become "Floppy Noddle".
Blitzcrank and his team sat outside of the enemy's jungle, lying in wait. The Veigar, eager to get a jump on them, had started his cage and warded the Blue Buff. And as the enemies jungler began the buff, Blitzcrank throughout his hand to grab the buff and ste- that wasn't blue buff.
A quick look down revealed that Blitzcrank had grabbed a small rat with a dirty crossbow before the rat immediately disappeared in a flash of light. Looking around, he couldn't find his Pantheon and began wondering why his pantheon hadn't simply pounced the thing. Suddenly, the words First Blood were registered in his simulated brain, and he found that Pantheon had tried to stun, but had followed the rat over the wall back over the wall and had been promptly bursted down.
Ignoring the yells of his enraged jungler, Blitzcrank ran down to bottom lane, only slightly discouraged at failing to steal the buff, and still eager to become "Closer Closer".
Blitzcrank and Veigars lane went smoothly enough, the Draven and Morgana denying him any of the good yanks he craved. After wasting hundreds of mana on Morgana's cockblocks, Blitzcrank decided that a change in tactics was called for. Flashing to the side, Blitzcrank dodged the line of minions and dragged Morgana into Veigars cage as she recently wasted the annoying shield.
That was what happened in the simulations, at least. Instead, when he flashed to the side and grabbed, he threw his hand out and - grabbed the infamous Stormraiders Surge full AP Rammus jungle. '
Needless to say, his passive shield was popped like a balloon and he was sent back to his fountain. He could feel it inside his engine, he was going to become "Small Hand Big Brain"
Unfortunately, time after time again Blitzcrank wasn't able to land the hooks he so desired. Sure, he secured a few kills here and there, but it was nothing compared to what he expected of himself. All of his Flash hooks missed, he never got lucky with the blind shots, and whenever he pulled the ADC his backline always preferred to focus down the Rammus for whatever reason, leaving him to get bursted down.
After one such team fight, with his entire team dead, Blitzcrank rushed to the Baron pit with his newly completed Deathcap. Dropping a pink over the wall, he could very clearly see the enemy team bursting down baron, the Stormraiders Surge Rammus leading their team. If they secured the objective, the game would be lost, and he couldn't allow that to happen.
There was one target to kill, and that was the Draven. Without him, the enemy team wouldn't be able to take Baron. Feeling the pressure mount, Blitzcrank ran to the opening pit, intent on lining up a clean shot.
Seeing his efforts, the Morgana stopped attacking Baron and ran towards Blitzcrank, throwing out her dark binding to stop Blitzcrank. Seeing the bind come out, Blitzcrank used his W to dodge the ability, before continuing to make him beeling towards the Draven.
This got the attention of the Rammus as well. He peeled off of Baron and ran straight at him. Morgana wasn't about to give up the chase either, flashing forwards and using her ultimate to trap the Blitzcrank. Cho'gath and the rest of the enemy team also stopped hitting Baron, electing to stand infront of Draven to body block the hook, forming a veritable wall of bodies between them.
In a fit of desperation, Blitzcrank flashed out of the way, trying to get an angle on the Draven, and threw out his hand blindly before -
He felt the familiar tug of his hand grabbing something. In the split second before it retracted, he could see the pure terror in Draven's eyes as he realized just how low he was before Blitzcranks hand came rushing back with Draven very firmly in his grasp. Blitzcrank readied a punch, and gave the Draven the smack of his life, removing him from the rift and ending any hope of the enemy team taking Baron.
He'd done it. He'd flashed the CC, and had thread his hand through the meatshields. And just as he thought he was going to die for going through such a ballsy move, a very angry Viking charged into the fight, leading the rest of his team to kill that accursed Rammus and take Baron for themselves.
And Blitzcrank?
Well, let's just say he became known for one name - "God Hand Blitzcrank"
