11A/N: I'll be honest, I'm nervous about this one. I've been out of the NCIS game a long time and I'm sure there are some details in here that might not quite match with the canon because I don't remember things anymore. I did my best and I love it, so I hope you will too.
She'd been making tea in the kitchen in an attempt to help her fall asleep. It was futile, she knew; she didn't sleep much anymore. When she closed her eyes all her doubts, fears, failures filled her mind until she snapped awake again. Not to mention that every little sound made her jump, made her go check on Tali, who slept in the room next to hers.
The phone had rung and she had been tempted to ignore it, especially when she saw whose name came up on the screen She was too tired for another argument tonight, too exhausted by the pain that came with every, single conversation. She wasn't going back to Mossad, but they refused to leave her alone. Consult with us on this, just look at this one file, please could we have your input; the requests were endless. She'd left that world behind and still it gave her no respite.
But she wasn't sleeping anyway so she picked up. "Adam, I don't—"
"Ziva!" The fear in his voice immediately sharpened her senses and she subconsciously reached for a knife that lay on the counter. "Get out of the house. Get Tali and get out of there now!"
She was already moving toward Tali's bedroom before he'd even finished speaking. She opened the closet and reached for the go bag she kept there. Old habits died hard, especially when you'd made lots of enemies. Adam was still talking as she moved. "I'm coming to get you. Get to the road, don't let anyone see—"
The sound of an explosion drowned out his last words. The world rocked and she went to her knees, the phone falling from her hands and smashing on the floor as Tali started screaming from her bed. "I'm here, I'm here," Ziva said, crawling toward her, gathering her tightly in her arms. "It's all right."
"Ima!" Tali continued to wail as Ziva got to her feet, shouldering the go bag and heading for the door.
Smoke was filling the hallway but she didn't see any fire yet. The mortar must have hit the other side of the compound, but that didn't mean there wasn't more coming. She had to get them out of here fast.
Choking on the smoke, she headed for the door to the kitchen, but the handle was hot and she stepped back immediately. Barely able to breathe, eyes streaming she made it to the back door and wrenched it open, bursting out into the cool night air. "It's all right Tali," she continued to murmur as she staggered away from their home. "It's all right. Ima is here. We're all right."
They were halfway across the yard when the second explosion hit. Ziva doubled over, shielding Tali from any debris that might come their way. It lasted all of ten seconds and then there was nothing but fire behind them and darkness ahead.
The moon hung like a sliver in the sky providing barely enough light for her to stumble over the uneven ground. She reached the road and huddled behind a fallen tree, still holding Tali close to her chest. Tali had stopped wailing but Ziva could feel her little body shaking. At least she thought it was Tali, it might have been her own nerves causing them both to shudder. "Ima?" Tali asked, her little voice croaky and scared.
"Shh," Ziva soothed, brushing her hair out of her face. "It's all right. I'm right here. You are safe. It's just a dream. Just a dream my Tali."
She had vowed that her daughter would never know fear or pain like this. And she had failed her. Completely and utterly failed the one person in the world who meant everything to her. How had this happened? Who had come after her like this?
They'd been safe for so long. She'd been too intent on building a life of peace for her child; she must have missed something. She'd become too complacent, too soft. And now they would both pay the price for it.
After what felt like hours she heard the crunching sound of a car coming down the road and stiffened. Tali was nearly asleep in her arms, but her eyes popped open when Ziva shifted. "Ima?"
"It's all right my love. We're going for a little ride. Can you be quiet for me?"
Tali nodded, her eyes heavy with sleep. Ziva sent up a prayer that her daughter would remember none of this as she waited, tense, for some sign that the person in the car was Adam and not an enemy come to finish the job.
The car rolled to a stop several meters away, the lights going dark. She heard the door open and close, the sound of footsteps, and she reached deep into the go bag for the gun she'd hidden there. She hadn't had time to grab any of the rest, so this would have to work for now.
"Ziva?" The whisper was familiar and Ziva bowed her head, taking a shuddering breath of bone deep relief.
"We are here," she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. She stood, shouldering the go bag and Tali once more as Adam joined them. "Oh thank God." He pulled her into an embrace. "When the phone died I thought—" He shook his head, eyes searching her. "Are you all right? Are either of you hurt?"
"We are fine. But Adam—"
"Come," he interrupted her, looking over his shoulder. "We must leave here quickly."
She buckled Tali into a carseat and then got in the front next to Adam. "Adam, what the hell is going on?" she asked in English as they drove.
Tali's English was good, but she understood far more Hebrew and Ziva didn't want her hearing anything that might terrify her more.
"Someone wants you dead," he said grimly.
"Yes, thank you Adam that is very helpful, but since my child is now traumatized perhaps you could be a little more forthcoming with pertinent information," she snapped.
Adam glanced in the rearview mirror and she felt her blood run cold. "Do you think someone is following us?" she asked.
"Not yet," he said, eyes back on the road ahead. "But the press will be here in no time. If we're seen fleeing the house someone will get suspicious."
"Adam what are you talking about? Who? Who will get suspicious? Who did this?" Desperation colored her tone. This hadn't been an accident. It was a targeted attack. An attack on her and her daughter and she wanted to know why right now.
He shook his head. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? How could you not know? You're the one who called and said to get out of the house."
"I have eyes and ears everywhere Ziva. I got a last minute tip. I didn't know if was real or not but…" he took a second to look at her, "apparently it was."
She looked into the backseat, dread stealing her breath away. She had to get Tali somewhere safe. They needed somewhere to go and figure this out. "Who else knows?" she choked out.
Adam shook his head. "No one. By tomorrow morning the entire world will think you're dead."
Ziva felt ill. She put a hand to her head, her stomach churning in her gut. Everyone. Gibbs, Abby, McGee. She swallowed hard. Tony. They would all think she was gone. She'd been lying to them for a long time, but this felt so much worse. So incredibly permanent.
"That's a good thing Ziva," Adam said when she didn't respond. "There's safety in being dead. You and Tali can go anywhere, do anything without anyone knowing."
"I was dead once before," Ziva said. "I don't have any desire to be again."
"You've had a long night. We can sort everything out later. Right now we have to get you to a safehouse." He reached over and squeezed her hand. "It will be all right."
"Again, again!"
Ziva woke slowly, her body stiff, her mouth tasting like ash. "All right one more time." Adam's voice drifted through the closed door and Ziva could hear Tali squeal in delight over whatever he was doing. Good. If God still had a single thought to spare her, he would prevent her daughter from ever remembering last night.
She got out of bed and padded into the living room. Adam's safe house had turned out to be a small apartment. It wasn't a palace, but it was clean enough and there was no one around here wondering about the small "family" who'd moved in on the spur of the moment. The population was too transient to fret about the comings and goings of new neighbors.
"Ima!" Tali cried the second she spotted her, flinging herself into her mother's arms. "Good morning!"
"Good morning my love," Ziva crooned, stroking her hair, rocking her back and forth.
"Me and Adam are playin'," she said, her little fingers automatically reaching for the necklace hanging around Ziva's neck.
"Yes I heard." She looked up at Adam who smiled.
"She was up early. You needed rest after last night," he said.
"Thank you." She turned her attention back to Tali. "Did you have breakfast?"
She nodded. "I eated my fruit."
"That's my good girl."
"Ima when we go home?"
It was like a knife straight through her heart. Tali was a smart little girl. She knew her mother didn't make it a habit to drag her out of bed in the middle of the night and drive her to a new location. It was too much to hope she might not realize something was amiss. "I don't know," Ziva told her honestly. "But look." She reached for the go bag and pulled out the stuffed dog, thanking god she'd thought to buy a second one when she'd realized what a favorite it was. "Look who came with us."
"Kalev!" Tali squealed, latching onto the toy and hopping off her mother's lap to play with him on the floor.
Ziva sat back on her heels and watched her for a moment. She was so young, so innocent. Everything Ziva had been before her life had been stolen from her. She would not let that happen. Not again.
"You're on the news," Adam said quietly. "They are reporting on the farmhouse. You need to decide what you want to do Ziva." His eyes were full of deep concern. "This isn't going away. If whoever did this finds out you are alive, they won't stop. You will be in danger, Tali will be in danger—"
"You don't think I know that?" Ziva said sharply, her eyes flitting to see if Tali had noticed. The child remained playing happily and Ziva lowered her voice, softening it a bit so as to not attract her attention. "I have lived this life a long time Adam. I am not interested in taking my daughter and running forever."
"Then we will hide you. Somewhere this person will never look."
Ziva snorted. "Are those to be my only two options? Run with my child in tow or hide like some coward while this person steals away the life I have worked so hard for?" She shook her head. "No. No I will not do that Tali or to myself."
"I do not see another choice Ziva."
She swallowed hard, blinking her eyes against the sting of tears. Because she did see another path. A third choice. One that would end on her terms, not those of some murderous stranger. One that would set her free to hunt her adversary down, and also keep Tali safe. She felt her heart quicken. If she did this, she would have to give up everything. "I will confront this person. I will put myself out in the open and have them come to me. And then I will make sure nothing like this ever happens again."
"You would put Tali in danger that way?" he asked in alarm.
"Of course not!" Ziva said, her voice harsher than she intended.
"Ima?" Tali looked at her, eyes wide.
Ziva forced a smile and switched to Hebrew. "It's all right my love. Why don't you see if Kalev wants something for a snack?"
Tali nodded and wandered into the kitchen.
"Ziva, what are you planning to do?" Adam asked warily. It was as if he already sensed the bombshell that was coming.
Ziva struggled to make the words pass her lips, because once she said them, she couldn't take them back. Once she did this terrible, horrible thing, there would be no changing her mind. "Take her to Tony."
Adam's eyes snapped to hers. "What?"
"He…he will take care of her. He can give her the life she deserves to have. He can keep her safe."
"Ziva, what are you saying?"
"I am saying what we both know too well Adam!" she cried. "That sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. That sometimes love is not enough to keep people together. Tali's safety is the most important thing. And Tony deserves to know. He will be a good father to her." She looked away. "She will be happy with him."
"Ziva she needs you."
"What she needs is a home with someone who won't get blown up in the middle of the night," Ziva said, the words bitter on her tongue. "Take her to Tony. Make him believe…" she swallowed hard, forcing the words past her lips, "make him believe I am gone. That he is her only family now. He will do the right thing."
"Ziva I won't let you do this—"
"Good, because that is not your place. You can either help me or you can go. Those are your options. And you can thank God that they are better than the ones I have right now."
He pressed his lips together and stared at her. "Of course I will help you."
"Thank you." She straightened her shoulders and took a breath, fixing a smile in place. "Now if you don't mind, I will go spend some time with my daughter."
She turned away so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. And then she brushed them off so that Tali wouldn't see them either. This was a time to be strong. She went to Tali in the kitchen. "Hello my love. What have you found in here?"
It took only a day to get everything arranged. One incredibly short day of precious time together spent playing and laughing despite the circumstances, despite the fact that Ziva's heart ached with every word Tali said, every giggle, every cuddle they shared. She tried to hold onto all of it, to bottle it up in her heart so that she could keep it forever safe there.
When Adam returned the next morning she felt a familiar heaviness in her heart. One that she'd hoped she'd never feel again. "It's time," Adam said. "Orli is coming. I've made excuses but she isn't going to buy them much longer."
"What did you tell her?" Ziva asked, staring out the window. It was raining. She would remember that forever. The day she gave up her daughter it was raining outside, the sky grey and ominous.
"That I went to the house. That I slipped past the emergency personnel and pulled Tali from the rubble before the search crews could begin looking. That I was concerned about her safety so I hid her for a few days. That I never found a trace of you."
Ziva swallowed past the lump in her throat. "She suspects nothing?"
"No."
"Good. That is good." She turned to face him. "Everything is arranged?"
"You will fly to D.C. this afternoon on a commercial flight. Orli has arranged a private flight for Tali, me, and herself. Once we have arrived Orli will take Tali to Tony. And I will come to you."
Ziva nodded. "You will make sure Tali is safe before you come?"
"Of course." He took her hands. "We will finish this Ziva. I promise."
She pulled away. She didn't want his comfort. "Yes. We will."
It was time. Tali was looking at a book on the sofa and Ziva sat down next to her, pulling her into her arms. She buried her face in Tali's curls, memorizing the smell of her shampoo, the way her little body felt cradled against her chest. Tali's fingers came up to play with Ziva's necklace. "Ima? We going home?" she asked the way she had every few hours since the bombing.
"No my darling. We are not going home today." She reached for the go bag, her fingers seeking the picture frame she'd put there on the day she'd found out she was pregnant. "Look Tali. Do you know who these people are?"
"Ima!" she said immediately, pointing her little finger directly at Ziva's face.
"Yes, very good. And who is this?" Ziva tapped Tony's image.
"Abba," Tali said.
"Yes," Ziva said, her heart breaking. "Yes that is your Abba. Tali, you are going to go see Abba."
"See Abba?" Tali echoed.
"That is right. You are going to go meet your Abba. And he is going to love you," Ziva choked back a sob, "he is going to love you and take care of you."
"Ima too?"
Ziva found she was at a loss for words and Tali turned to look at her face. "Ima? You sad?"
Ziva nodded. "Yes, I am a little sad."
"It okay Ima. No be sad." Tali put her hands on Ziva's cheeks. "No be sad."
Ziva felt a tear trickle down her cheek. "I love you my Tali. You are my whole world my darling. Remember I love you."
"Love you Ima," Tali said, resting her head against Ziva's chest.
Ziva looked up to find Adam watching, his face stricken. "How can I do this?" she asked helplessly. "How can I leave her?"
"You will do it because you love her," Adam said. "You will do it because you are her mother and you are strong."
Ziva cradled her one last time, looking into her face, trying as hard as she could to make the moment last for an eternity.
"Ziva," Adam said quietly.
"I know," she said. "I know."
She pulled Tali off her lap and set her on the couch. "Be a good girl for Adam. And for your Abba," she said. "I will see you…I will see you soon."
"Okay."
Ziva handed her Kalev and her book then stood, picking up a bag containing a false passport and papers. "Goodbye my darling," she whispered, pressing a final kiss to Tali's forehead.
Tali was already absorbed in her book again and Ziva found herself profoundly grateful that she wasn't crying or calling out for her. She was peaceful, the way she should be. The way every child deserved to be.
Ziva didn't even look at Adam as she walked past, pausing only long enough to say, "Make sure Tony knows that I am…that I was sorry."
Adam put a hand on her shoulder. "You have my word."
Ziva put one foot in front of the other and walked out the door, closing it behind her without looking back. She took a breath, letting a sob escape her lips, just one. One cry to mourn for the life that she'd had and lost. One cry for the daughter who was no longer hers.
Then she straightened, wiping a hand across her face. She would leave her heart with Tali and in its place would be a stone. One that would keep her alive until they saw each other again. It would make her strong until she got back all she'd lost.
She fingered the necklace around her neck. She would fight. She would win. And she would go home.
A/N: I cannot even fathom how it must feel to give up a child, but I tried to make this story true to who Ziva is. I am so thrilled she's back and I'm hoping for confirmation a happy ending for her, Tony, and Tali. They all deserve it. Leave your love in the reviews!
