Rolivia One Shots

Chapter: Permanent December

January 2015, 1-6 Precinct, New York, NY

A/N: Takes place after Forgiven Rollins, this will be a two -shot first shot being told in Amanda's POV. The second Olivia's. Enjoy, please leave a review. Disclaimer I own nothing. This part of the fic is based more on the feelings of what the writer of the song might have been feeling as they wrote this, not so much the lyrical context, part two will focus more on the lyrics.

"It's over Amanda. Sweetie. You can relax now."

Olivia's hand gently sweeps through my hair, her lips ever so gracefully graze my check my body can't seem to stop shaking. "I don't feel like it's over Sarge. I can't shake him, I feel sickened. No matter how many times I shower, I can't get him off me, I feel him in me, hear his voice."

"Listen to me Amanda, sweets." Olivia's legs are wrapped around my waist, my head is resting on her chest both of us curled up on the couch in her office. "I'll drown it out Rollins, let me sing to you. Does that sound okay?"

My throat is stuck I can't breathe, swallow, sobs stick in the back of my subglottic space. Tiny gasps wail out in spastic, sporadic sequences. "Shh, Honey, let it out, you have nothing to be ashamed of, I'm so sorry that you've carried this alone for so long, God, I wish I had listened to you back then." sniffling I look up meeting her eyes which are filled with tears, pain, and anger. Her fingers warmly pressed against my checks. "When?" She helps me to sit up when I start to cough her hand rubs gently against my back as giant sobs wrench through my guts, it becomes harder to breathe. My face is heating up I can feel him on my skin, holding my wrists tightly. I can see him leering over me, his deep southern accent rolling off his tongue like the chorus in a country song full of tang and sass. "You'll never escape me, Amanda, I know where you live." his breath sinks of anger and whiskey. The stinging sensation of his hand smashes me across my left cheek, hard. I can't cry, breathe or even think. My body is frozen, I feel so exhausted. "Stop Squirming, bitch." "Ow...Stop Chief Patton, Please, dear god please stop!"

His hand smacks me again harder drawing blood on my lips which I feel swelling. "I said stop it, you goddamn whore." My whole body is strained from fighting his, body weighs on top of me. Too much weight. I can't breathe I'm so scared, I've never felt this hopeless, this fear is river deep rolling as fast and rigid as the Chattooga River. Never in my life have I felt plunged so deep into the bottom of the riverbank of fear. Mind-numbing fear, it's horrifying to be held down have your clothes ripped off your body, to have your pride, soul and dignity, and self- respect taken away in one act of horror.

I scream as the next blow comes at me as his hands grip my shirt pushing it up, pain so fierce it rips me open waves of nausea began washing through me. "Please Chief don't do this, please I am sorry," I was unable to stop crying and shaking. I felt transported into a different universe. There was nothing, nothing I could do. I couldn't run, I couldn't fight him. I tried hard though scratching, biting his ear, he hit me harder, I couldn't plead any longer. He wasn't listening. My body was tense fear was gripping me. He pushed my hands above my head, he enters me, I can't stop screaming, "think about your sister, Rollins, think of how sweet that dirty little mouth would feel on my most private parts, I bet her cherry lips would give me the most amazing, so either shut-up or I go propose this towards sweet little Kim."

I am powerless, I feel helpless, why is this happening? Why do I always have to be Kim's savior? I'm so tired of fighting, I am always fighting for everything, from the time I was born. I had to fight for my rights from shelter, safety, love, food, education. Not just mine but hers too, it made me grow up fast, maybe if I hadn't protected Kim every chance she would have grown up, learned to fight her own battles. I give up my body goes slack his laughter echo's off the walls.

"Manda, honey. what's going on? Calm down, my love. I need you to breathe for me, please baby girl lay down." I can't breathe why can't Liv see that? I'm so dizzy my chest is so tight, fingers so stiff.

"Breathe with me Rollins 1..2...3 keep your head held up, look at me, I need you to look me in the eyes, you're safe hun, I'm here no one will hurt you again. I promise I won't let them." I'm not sure how long it is until my body gives out collapsing in my Sargent's lap. My whole body is shaking sweaty but I feel frozen like I am stuck in a state of Permanent December. I never use to mind the winter months growing up in Southern Georgia the lowest climate we've ever experienced was 50 degrees. Even in mid-February; I can remember going to school in shorts and short sleeve shirts. Since moving to New York I've started to hate Dec-Marchh, I adjust of course but every December it hits me hard the first snowfall always makes me feel like I am stuck inside a glazier, after being soaked in a hurricane. It's not just a physical effect though, whenever I see the snow falling my depression rages full frontal.

I was diagnosed back when I was 14 years old but of course, we didn't have the money to afford medication and therapy was out of the question, it went against Mama's pride and code. I always thought it was stupid however now as an adult I've found myself living by it. I can handle my own life, I don't need to pay someone to listen to me. Most of the year I am okay, except for that one day of the year. Everyone else is always so happy when they see snow, the kids run outside to make snow angels have snowball fights. Excited for no school they're the epitome of innocence and purity. Everything I never was.

It's the one day of the year where I call off curl up by my fireplace, wrap myself in blankets all my demons race back slamming into me at once; I never allow myself to cry instead I just drink myself to oblivion. The strongest alcohol until my insides are so warm, till I have so much inside of me I vomit, it never works my demons are still there. Still haunting me, but for those few hours when I am drunk off my ass by the fireplace, I feel warm, I feel safe.

Now I feel frozen, I have no alcohol to warm me up. "Please don't shut yourself down." "I can't Liv, I can't it's just really hard. I don't know where to start. I walked into it Sarge, I knew what he wanted I agreed to it until you've been raped Liv, I'm sorry you can't possibly know what it feels like to have your whole world torn apart."

"Amanda." her voice hitches "I do know, I wasn't raped that's very true sweetheart." Closing my eyes I inhale her scent, Eau de Parfum the citrus is Intense warm like the burn which assaults my throat whenever I take a drink. Comforting, soothing my flood gates open "I was undercover in a prison years ago." Her fingers are stiff but loving as they stroke vertical over my scalp the rise of her heartbeat the warmth of her skin, which is against my tender check from her open blouse. All lure me into a wonderful safe warm cocoon. Her admission catches me off guard she hardly ever talks about her trauma. Liv is always professional an almost impenetrable shield. "I was handcuffed to a pipe, at his mercy he..." Her voice stiffens clogging, I don't want to move my head but her pain smashes into my skull as hard as Patton's hand did back at that hotel room. She's putting herself through these memories just to ease my pain. Why? When did I become so important to her?

"Liv you don't have to." "Shh honey, I want to I need you to know you are not alone. I know you feel this way, scared untouchable, like no one will believe you or understand. Every touch makes you feel his hands on your back like bugs are crawling all over you." I nod tears softly rolling down my cheeks. "Lewis tortured me for days, he still haunts me. I should have seen the signs, Amanda, not just because I am a detective but I am also a victim. I should have known when you said something happened that wasn't worth pursuing, that it was 100% worth pursuing. I hate seeing you in this pain."

"Sarge I am so sorry, I don't want you to relieve this." "Shh, honey my love, I didn't tell you this to feel sorry for me. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me, not just as your Sargent, Amanda I would like us to be friends, I want you to know that there is always someone here in your corner."

Laying my head back down on her chest I close my eyes, feeling her delicately run a washcloth over my face, the cool wetness alleviates my flushing burning. "Let me help you, Amanda. Can you accept that?" Tears prick my eyes no one has ever touched me in this way, no one not even my damn mother has ever shown such compassion, tenderness, and love towards me.

"Ever have a massage, Amanda,?" "No Liv, between my gambling debts, addictions, I can barely afford my rent, no time for luxury." "Well let me help you with that honey, every woman needs a massage to help ease their tension, every woman deserves to be treated like a goddess." "Not me Liv, I don't deserve tenderness." "Yes, Amanda. Baby you do. I'll start at your neck, relax." her fingers are soft but firm as they massage my neck, working their way to my shoulders, arms, back. My blazer is shed as I silently cry "Crying isn't a show of weakness Mandy, my love it's a sign of true strength to know that you need this release, to take care of yourself. I've cried so many nights when I was alone Manda, and yes sometimes I was ashamed, I wished for someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me I wasn't a freak or dirty. To tell me I was lovable."

"Liv, you are, my god you so are," I want to turn but damn her hands against my now barebackk feel amazing, her voice is soft beautiful as she sings to me.

Oh, yeah, I don't wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah When I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way, oh, yeah

Sleep comes easily to me with her gentleness, sleep, however, is my enemy I hear him, I feel him. His laughter rings out his hands roughly push me against the courthouse after his trial even now years later he is still so powerful to me, I can feel my chest tighten in fear, no one is around to hear my cries. My stomach is taut muscles clenching. "I'll be back Mandy when you least expect it, your a fool to think this is over, it's never over, I always get what I want, I'm coming back, but don't flatter yourself bitch." his breath is hot as it hits my check his words menacing "This time you little whore, I'm coming after your precious Olivia, I bet her sweet ass would be hot as fire in bed."

"No!" screaming I push myself up losing my balance falling off the couch she scrambles to help me up "Amanda shh, I'm here you're safe, my love. Let me help you, I'm not here to hurt you." Strong tender hands grip my elbow helping me up "Liv," my voice quivers as I feel the acid burning behind my throat "I got you Amanda." hands guide my back towards the garbage can where I promptly project bile coughing her hands rubbing my back. Q knock on the door startles me "Not now." Liv's voice is harsh as she yells to whoever interrupted us. I can't let him touch her, she's so strong so resilient, she's survived Lewis and that creep in jail. She doesn't deserve to be attacked by Patton. To be dragged into the mess I created.

"You want it to end Amanda, you know what to do. You'll always end up hurting someone until your not here to hurt someone, you want to escape me, Rollins, end it, do the world a favor, because I will never stop haunting your sweet ass, until your dead. I'll get Olivia, I'll get Cabot, I'll go after Novak, finally Kim, the little slut who started this all."

"Who is it? I said I was busy, Jesus!" she yanks open the door her bronzed hair flying her body becoming stiff, a tremor in her voice causes me to stiffen. He wouldn't? He couldn't dear God. No!

"Casey, oh my god, wow it's been."

"Nine years Olivia, I know, I'm sorry may I come in?"

Liv turns to me I'm finally standing up enough to lean against her desk shaking, my stomach a total mess. I can barely stand I am so dizzy, my legs feel like jelly-fish. "Truthfully, I am in the middle of something." Casey looks down "I get it Liv, I was wrong, I know the last time you saw me burns in the back of my mind. I was a bitch back then."

Air is getting harder to find can't she take no as an answer? I can't yell for Liv, I can barely get my lungs to remember their basic function to contract air in then exhaling air. Casey keeps talking coming inside the room. "I was upset, no one stood by me, not one of you came to my hearing, I excepted better from my friends, especially you Liv, we were lovers after all."

Her eyes glisten over, my foggy mind can only process one thought "They were lovers?" Liv is into women? No, maybe I heard that wrong, maybe I am too close to passing out. "I was so devastated Liv, you were my best friend, lover, confident, you left me alone, when I got home, I saw your flowers, it was a cop-out, you should have been there for me Liv, I needed your arms, your words, love not flowers, I left them there to die, I took off I needed space. Time to think."

"Casey, I'm sorry but it's been nine years. I can't do this now."

Casey reaches out to grab Liv's hands "Please let me finish this is so hard. I'm not one to swallow my pride, in front of you I am, I'm so sorry for that night, I replay that night inside my mind, December is on repeat forever, I hate winter, I feel frozen forever, I can't eat. Sleep, think, work I feel like I am stuck in a Permanent December. So cold Liv, the guilt is so mind-numbing."

"Freedom comes with a price Casey, when you left I missed you so God damn much, every birthday I went out and bought a card, except I had no address to mail it to. I keep seeing us in summer camping fishing playing softball, getting drunk at that Renn Faire."

"Casey, honey I wish you had come back sooner when you were mine, I would've given you the world, I stood by you, but you pushed your luck too far in court, I couldn't save you Case. If you had made a different choice before the cold came in, but you didn't Case you brought the cold upon yourself. Only you can fix it."

Casey is too fast she stuns us all grabbing Liv kissing her passionately. My vision is clearing steadily Liv doesn't push her away. I can't do this, I can't watch the woman I admire, idolize and love with my whole heart kissing her ex. I'm no match for Casey, she's feisty, strong and drop-dead gorgeous. I have no strength left Patton took it all, with Casey back she'll be safe. No one needs me around anymore. I'm free.

So I run past them, I hear Liv yelling for me. Tears falling down my checks I run past the rest of our team every single one of them yelling. Pushing open the door to the stairwell I hear her heals chasing me, she'll never catch me though. I'm faster, younger more determined. I have nothing left to live for, so I have no reason to stop running not till I can make the cold go away forever, because unlike Elsa I have minded the cold. For a very long time.

A/N: Lyrics to Always Remember Us This Way belongs to Lady Gaga, the creators, writers of A Star is Born.