2She was terrified of the end of the world.
Anthy often imagined it at night, staring at the ceiling of her apartment. Sometimes it took the form of missiles, raining down from the sky like a swarm of hornets. Sometimes it came in the form of water, funnels rising from the sea to carry off the metal framework of her house. Sometimes it smelled of a plague, coating the veins inside her wrists with frost and lymph and convulsing liquids. No matter how many times she dreamed of the end, her heart was always struck first.
Utena had told her not to let the thoughts worry her- to not even give them the satisfaction of being thought about. These days, Utena went by they/them pronouns, and attended university in the city. They were poking at a fried egg on the stove as Anthy told them her thoughts.
"The world isn't going to end, Anthy." They said, looking back at the coffee table. "Even if there is some disaster, there's still going to be people around to rebuild."
"Yeah." said Anthy, fidgeting with her spoon.
"Besides," Utena said, mischievously, "even if there is a bomb or a war or something, we live in the city, so at least our deaths will be quick and not long and drawn out."
"I guess."
That's not what she meant. They didn't get it.
Earlier that day, Anthy had taken a walk in one of the parks adjacent to the university. There, she began to talk to Dios, as she often found herself doing whenever she was alone. It was easier to talk to him, a boy in her head, than Utena or their friends.
She pictured him, walking alongside her, his white cape catching the spotty afternoon light through rustling tree branches.
"If the end of the world is coming," he said, "why not make the most of it?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I mean, if nothing really matters anyway, because everything is ending, why care about what others think of you? Why hold anything back? If the end is truly near, you have no real future to lose."
Utena's playful grin had softened, and now they looked concerned. Concerned, and awkward. For all the changes Utena had undergone, they never were able to get the hang of addressing the pain of others. They were impulsive, loud, protective. But they were also scared. Scared of saying the wrong thing, or being too vulnerable. Scared of making a mistake.
Anthy had always loved the way Utena's hair curled inwards to frame her eyes. The first day after leaving Ohtori, they had cut it off in a frantic breakdown. The makeshift pixie cut was uneven, even after Anthy had reunited with them. It had taken a long time to convince Utena to let her fix it. Just the near sight of scissors sent them spiraling into a state of panic.
They had transferred schools together, finishing up high school in a nearby town, both of them staying with Utena's great aunt.
"It's a shame you two didn't do well at boarding school." she said, her blue eyes peering out over the top of her teacup. "But it's not for everyone. God knows I hated it."
"I hate the world." Anthy told Dios. "Sometimes it's so hard for me to get through the day. It's like, everything I see makes me so angry, I feel like I'm bursting but nothing comes out."
"You keep saying this and yet you're still worried about the end?"
"I don't want to die."
"No one wants to die. That doesn't mean it won't happen."
Utena didn't take very long to get help. Not long after their move, they sought the aid of the school counselor. They began creating this whole new identity for themselves. This person entirely different but still almost the same. The kind of person who plays basketball with strangers and joins student workout groups. The person who attends GSA meetings and swaps out identities until they find the one that suits them best. The person that figures out they're bad at something and tries to be better.
In a way, Anthy almost missed the days of them crying on the floor of their bedroom together. Of being hurt and confused, but hurt and confused together. And although after moving into an apartment of their own they were closer than ever, Anthy still felt left behind.
Where was her character development in all this? Why was she always the one swept away with the tide?
For a while, she had tried gardening. It was a painfully nostalgic hobby, but the only thing she felt good at. In the past, Akio had made her grow exclusively roses. Roses. So temperamental and useless. Anthy could no longer bear even the whiff of such an idiotic flower.
When she first started her windowside garden, Anthy had intended to grow exclusively useful plants. Basil, oregano, anything Utena could use while they practiced her cooking. That is, until Utena pointed out the line of white flowers on the display next to the herbs.
"Hey!" They said, grinning, "that's the lesbian flower!"
Utena was so proud of the things they were learning. The way their inner self could be acknowledged and expressed with the world. It was almost like a magic trick for them- vocalizing a thought into existence. Speaking themself into existence.
Anthy still had the lily pot, long after the flowers had withered. The greenhouse had provided artificial life to the roses, sucking them of their natural vibrancy. After about a month, Anthy let the lilies die. No one deserved to live as a zombie.
"Utena," she said, looking down at her tea. "Do you remember when we were out on that edge?"
Utena frowned, and anthy could feel their intense blue eyes on her bowed head.
"Utena...I so scared. I don't want anything to happen to you. I don't want anything to happen. I'm…"
Her voice cracked, wet with emotion.
"Anthy..." they began. Utena put their plate down, and crouched down beside her chair.
Anthy could feel her face warming up now, her eyes becoming glassy and heavy. And so it began, the same scene, over and over. The sadness of Anthy Himemiya, making yet another revolution around the world. Soon the first leaves would begin to fall, and frost would take over the edges of their small apartment. Cycling over and over, swept along by the waves of the end once again.
