174Chapter Twenty-Three: When Does a Heart Move On
One night, two sides
For worse, for better
Awake, asleep at the same time
I'm home, you're gone
But I'll leave the light on
We both know that you're not coming home
We both know that you're not coming home
When does a heart move on?
Do you know the moment that it's over?
'Cause we could drag this on and on
Tried to be strong but it's been too long
When does a heart move on?
Who's wrong, who's right?
Who even knows these days?
Reasons to leave or stay?
And I'm tired, so tired
Of holding it together
Maybe it's meant to break…
– Joy Williams, "When Does a Heart Move On"
Relena felt a rush of cold sweep over her as she sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the carpet until the greige fibers began to blur together.
"Relena?" Heero was right beside her, still, but his voice sounded far away.
"I must have left a window open…" she murmured, rising from the bed and half-stumbling over to the large picture window. Her head was swimming, and she swayed on her feet. "Oops, got up too fast…"
She felt a hand close around her elbow. "Relena," Heero said with more urgency. "Did you hear what I said?"
Relena ignored him, staring hard at the closed window. "Weird. I could've sworn it was open. It's so cold in here…" Her own voice was a distant echo in her head, like she was speaking into a tunnel.
"Relena." She felt Heero's hands on her shoulders. Cold, clammy. His voice shook slightly. "Relena, please…"
She opened her mouth to speak, but her throat was tight and dry. She shivered, and Heero rubbed her shoulders. But the move did nothing to comfort her or steady her as her entire body began to shake.
"Relena…" Heero pressed in closer. She could feel his warm breath on the back of her neck. "Please. Say something."
Relena didn't know what to say, because she didn't even know what Heero was saying.
Because what he'd said before… it didn't make any sense.
"How…" She shook her head to the side as her eyes filled with water. "How… could this happen?"
"I don't know," Heero rasped. "I don't remember anything. She could be lying…"
Relena snorted, startling herself. And then before she could stop it, laughter bubbled up from her throat. She pressed a hand over her mouth as the tears she'd been holding in finally broke free, soaking her cheeks and hand.
Everything hurt, all at once. An ache pulsed from her core, rocking her entire body. Relena used her free hand to clutch at her abdomen, and sank down to her knees, her legs meeting the plush carpet. Heero was right beside her, hoisting her back up, but Relena pushed his hands away. Heero held them up in front of his chest, a defensive gesture.
"Relena, please… Let me explain…"
She half-laughed, half-sobbed again. "What's there to explain? You've already told me everything you know... right?" She glanced briefly at him over her shoulder without focusing on his face. His face was a soggy blur, anyway.
"I told you everything I can remember," Heero choked out. Relena forced her eyes to focus and studied him for a moment. His face was uncharastically flushed; his blazing blue eyes wild, desperate.
Relena could feel the tension in the space between them, as if they were teetering on the precipice of something monumental. And whatever decision she made from here on out… it would be irrevocable.
Relena held Heero's gaze for a moment before finding words once more. "You're sure?" she whispered.
He nodded. "I'm sorry," he murmured, reaching a hand toward her. "I wish… I could remember more. Then again…"
"Maybe not," Relena finished for him, her words evaporating into a raspy laugh. "Oh, God…" She pressed her fisted hands into her face, kneading her knuckles against her closed eyelids. Her head began to throb with an incessant pounding. "I wish I could just make this all go away," she groaned.
"So do I." Heero's voice was softer, calmer, somehow. She felt his hand rest upon her back again, and he began to caress her in slow, gentle circles. "Believe me, if I could go back…"
"But you can't," Relena said, shrugging off his touch again. Her chest tightened, and she pressed her hand to her throbbing heart. And as the reality of their situation sunk in – really sunk in – something squeezed her chest, and she felt as if she were drowning. She gasped in an attempt to take in a deep inhale, but her breath caught on a sob.
She turned and looked back at Heero, her heart aching more at the look on his face, his features twisted in agony that must have mirrored her own.
"This wasn't supposed to be part of our story," she whispered.
Heero's brows knit together. "It doesn't have to be." And then Relena listened, numb, as Heero began to reiterate that Raquel could be fabricating her pregnancy. Or, if she even was pregnant, there was still a strong chance that the baby wasn't Heero's.
"But why would she lie?" Relena cut in after a moment. "What reason could she possibly have to just… make up something like this?"
"I don't know," Heero said, his eyes narrowing. "Could be anything. Maybe she wants something from me. Or us."
"Like what?" Relena threw up her hands. "She'd have to be insane to try to have a baby with a married man! You especially," she added, jabbing her pointer finger at Heero's chest.
He nodded his agreement. "I know. It doesn't make any sense."
"Nor does the idea of her just… I don't know. Hopping on your erect penis while you were asleep?" Relena spat.
Heero lowered his gaze, rubbing a hand over his face. "Yeah… Again, I don't see how she could have managed something like that. I would've woken up for sure. And put a stop to it," he added more firmly, his eyes narrowing.
Relena sighed and pressed the bridge of her nose. "Ten years we've been married, and I've never even tried anything like that."
To her surprise, Heero's lips tugged upward. "You know I wouldn't mind if you did…"
Relena tightened her eyes into a glare. "Now's hardly the time to discuss such a thing."
Heero shrugged. "You brought it up."
"I'm just trying to understand this impossible situation!" Relena practically shouted. She immediately clamped a hand over her mouth, hoping her outburst didn't wake Ellie.
Heero reached for her hand as she lowered it, and meshed their fingers together. Relena looked back up at him. His eyes were pleading with her.
"I'm sorry," he said for what must have been the thousandth time since they'd started talking again. "No matter what, I'm going to get to the bottom of this." He squeezed her hand. "I promise you."
"And then what?" Relena shifted her gaze back to the floor. "What if… she really is pregnant? And it's yours?"
Heero shook his head to the side. "I don't even want to go there. Let's just assume she's lying until proven otherwise."
"So… what, you're going to ask for a paternity test?"
"I already have."
"Good," Relena breathed.
They sat together on the carpet for a few minutes, silence falling between them, their hands still entwined. The room was so quiet, Relena could hear her own heartbeat in her ears; maybe Heero's as well.
"We do have to consider the worst case scenario," Relena sighed after a beat. She glanced up at Heero through her eyelashes. "Then what will you do? You need to have a plan."
Heero frowned. "I guess… I'd send her child support." He looked as if that was the last thing he wanted to do, though.
"That's it?" Relena pressed.
His brows lifted. "What do you mean, that's it?"
"I mean, this could be your child, Heero." Relena shifted in her seat. "How could you not get involved?"
"I don't want to be involved," he groused.
"Well, then you'd be no better than your father," Relena said hotly. "Surely, you'd want to be a presence in your child's life…"
"I don't think so." He shook his head, his eyes burning. "Better to stay out of it as much as possible."
Relena frowned right back at him. "But what if this whole thing gets out?"
"We'll have to make sure that never happens." His eyes glinted in determination.
"These things do happen, though," Relena argued. "You think you can buy Raquel's silence?"
"If money's all she's after, then yeah."
Relena pressed her lips together. "This could ruin us, Heero. Our family… our careers… Everything we've worked for."
"I know." He hung his head, his voice a ragged whisper. "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing," Relena snapped, sitting up on her knees, facing him. "It's not going to do any good. The only thing we can do now is try to get ahead of this as much as possible."
Heero glanced up at her through his long bangs. "How?"
"First," Relena said, "you're going to find out if we even need to be involved."
"We?" The hope in his voice and expression was evident. Relena sighed.
"Yes, we… do you think I'd let you just abandon your child? He or she would be Ellie's sibling, too."
Heero was frowning again. "I never said I'd abandon it…" he started.
"Him or her," Relena corrected. "Or, them."
"Fine. Them," Heero amended, frowning as he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. "I said I'd be willing to pay for support."
"Well, you wouldn't have a choice there. But I'd prefer if we had full custody."
Heero blinked at her. "Are you sure you'd want to do that?"
"I mean…" Relena sucked in a breath. "It would be difficult, knowing the circumstances that brought this whole thing about, but… I'd rather we raise them as our own than have the world thinking you had an affair."
"There's just one problem with that," Heero said, his frown deepening. "Raquel has already said she wants to keep the baby."
"Has she?" Relena snarled. "Well, we'd have to fight her on that, obviously."
"Then this all goes public," Heero said warily.
"Not if we settle out of court."
Heero heaved a sigh. "Yeah…"
"Anyway." Relena let go of Heero's hand and rose to her feet. "First things first. You need to confirm the pregnancy and your paternity. Then we can figure out the rest." She frowned down at him, planting her hands at her hips. "But let's hope that we don't have to."
He gazed up at her unblinkingly. "You're… surprisingly calm about all this."
"Well, I'm too tired to keep being angry," Relena said, shrugging. "It's exhausting."
Heero nodded, then stood up from the floor. "You should get some rest." His eyes searched hers, and Relena immediately sensed the question he was posing.
Should they sleep in the same bed, or not? Her heart wanted to say yes, because she'd missed him so badly. And they were painfully close to reconciling. But her head and heart were still a mess.
"I don't know…" she murmured, answering his unspoken question. His eyes clouded over.
"I'll go sleep downstairs."
"Then Ellie would wonder why we're in separate rooms," Relena said flatly.
"She knows you've been sick," Heero pointed out.
Relena huffed a laugh. "Since when has that ever stopped us? I don't think we've ever slept apart, except…" Her voice caught, and she turned her face away from him.
Heero caught her chin between his forefinger and thumb, bringing her face close to his. Relena forced herself to look at him. His deep blue eyes were brimming with tears.
"Believe me, Relena, if I had it my way, we'd never spend a night apart. Never again." His voice broke on the last word, and a single tear made its way down his cheek. Relena gasped as her own tears betrayed her.
She tore herself from his grasp.
"I can't… do this right now," she rasped. She stumbled away from Heero, toward the bedroom door. "I have to go."
"Where?" he demanded from behind her.
"I don't know. Out."
"This time of night?" His voice rose ever so slightly, his tone wrought with anxiety. "Relena…"
She ignored him and opened the door into the hallway, heading for the stairs. Of course, he followed right after her, but she kept going, down the stairs and into the foyer, where she rummaged in the coat closet for her wool coat, purse, and flat shearling boots. She yanked everything on over her loungewear, knowing she'd look awfully silly going out – wherever she was going – but she didn't care. Anyway, she didn't plan to leave her car.
"Relena." Heero caught up with her and grabbed her arm, pulling her around to face him. His gaze was fierce. "Please don't go."
Relena shook her head at him. "I just need to take a drive. Clear my head."
"You're calling Reginald?" He frowned at her. "This late?"
"No; I'll take my car."
Heero's brow furrowed. "Relena, you hardly ever drive yourself. Especially at night."
"I'll be fine." She looked pointedly at where he held on to her arm. "Just let me go, Heero."
He glared at her for a long moment before yielding and dropping his hold. "All right." A muscle feathered in his jaw. "Just… Please." His eyes were pleading with her just as much. "Be careful, all right?"
Relena could hardly believe her ears. "You mean… you're letting me go?"
"I don't see what choice I have." His jaw clenched and unclenched again. "One of us has to stay with Ellie."
"Right," Relena breathed, still skeptical he was about to watch her take off in the middle of the night and not come after her. She tilted her head to the side as she peered up at him. "Promise me you'll stay put, then."
He held up both his hands, as if he were surrendering. "Promise."
Relena arched a brow, still not believing him entirely. "All right, then." She shuffled out of the foyer and into the adjoining hallway that led to the garage. She threw a glance over her shoulder when she realized that, this time, Heero wasn't following her, although his eyes trailed her every movement.
"Relena." She stilled her steps, just for a moment.
"Yes?" she sighed.
"I love you." Heero gazed steadily at her, those ocean-colored eyes of his gleaming with eternal warmth. It was such a familiar, intimate expression she knew he reserved for only her. Relena took in a deep, ragged breath as she considered her next words.
"I love you, too," she whispered, lowering her eyes. "That's why this hurts so much."
And then she opened the door to the garage and swept out of the house, before her husband and that yearning expression of his could convince her to stay.
A/N: Hi friends, I hope wherever you are, you're staying safe and healthy! Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review the last chapter. Also, special thanks to Wings Landing for beta reading this latest chapter and helping me brainstorm! There is still a bit more to come... in the meantime, please stay sane, everyone!
Lots of love and socially distant hugs!
- RFP
