4To Be Needed
"And enough for me that when my hand touched your shoulder, you leaned on me; and when you felt me slip away, you called my name." – Orson Scott Card
"Why do you do it?" Youko looked up from her essay at the question, odd and out of the blue as it was. Eriko, previously content to play on her phone, was now staring at her with an uncomfortable intensity.
Youko laughed softly, "Well that's cryptic. What do you mean?"
It was apparently the wrong answer, as Eriko's stare turned into more of a glare. She seemed to grow more agitated as Youko turned back to her work. After years of dealing with Sachiko, Youko was mostly unfazed by her friends' sudden bouts of pique. With a long-suffering sigh, Eriko gestured broadly to the space between them. The remnants of their lunch and Youko's schoolbooks sat between them on the café's table.
"All of it Youko. Why do you do any of this? You have no 'particular desire to be a lawyer,' you told me that yourself." Youko hummed distractedly, desire or not her essay was not going to finish itself, "And you're still putting up with all of us from Lillian's!"
Youko rolled her eyes, but Eriko seemed to be well on her way to a tangent, so she didn't interrupt. With Eriko, it was usually best to just let her get it out of her system. "You could do anything you want, I've seen your grades, so why this? It can't be for the money; you're going into public defense!"
Youko glanced up to meet Eriko's eyes, they rarely spoke of these kinds of things, and she was starting to get the feeling this was leading to somewhere unpleasant. That niggling suspicion turned into a blaring alarm when she took in her friend's stormy face. A quick glance around the café showed that they weren't yet gathering undue attention, but Youko knew that wouldn't last much longer with how Eriko was carrying on.
"And another thing. Why the hell are you still wasting time on us? Sachiko I understand, I'll abandon Rei when I die. But Sei and I have never treated you the way you deserve. I don't understand why you put up with us. You could have anyone you want, both as a friend as a lover. So why wou-"
"Eriko." There was a particular tone that Youko saved for troublesome situations. In fairness, she usually only had to use it on Sachiko, and even then only when the girl was being exceptionally trying. It brought Eriko to a dead stop. Interrupted, she took a moment to examine her friend's face. All traces of levity had vanished, and now she had a deadly serious Youko staring her down. "Lower. Your. Voice."
A quick glance at the neighboring tables alerted Eriko to the fact that she had acquired an audience. She slouched down in her seat slightly, staying silent until the other patrons seemed to lose interest. Meanwhile it looked like Youko was about to snap her pen, and her shoulders and neck looked uncomfortably tense. It occurred to Eriko that the last thing Youko, intensely private as she was, would want would be for her particular predilections to be announced to a busy café. As it was, they had never actually discussed the subject. Time to switch gears, and fast.
"Sorry." Youko's eyes narrowed, but her face softened ever so slightly. With a sigh she placed her pen down, rose to her feet, and walked to the counter to place another order. She was going to need more tea. Returning with two cups, she set one in front of a contrite looking Eriko and retook her seat.
"Alright," She sighed and looked longingly towards her homework, "start over. You have my full attention, I promise."
Eriko leaned forward and wrapped her hands around her drink. She was silent for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. At last she met Youko's eyes. While calmer, it was clear that Eriko was still determined to say whatever was weighing on her mind. Youko felt dread gather in her chest, she was not used to being on the receiving end of that look. Usually, as long as she didn't drop dead in front of them, her friends were content to leave her to her own devices.
"Professor Yamanobe," Eriko diligently ignored Youko's eyeroll, "and I were talking the other day. About relationships, and you came up. He wanted to know what my friends thought of my interest in him." Youko hummed, mildly surprised. She didn't think that Sei or Eriko gave her much thought when they weren't together, much less to mention her in such a context. "He said some things about listening to people that clearly only have my best interests in mind. Obviously, I was confused, how would he know." She paused and pursed her lips, "Turns out he had a most interesting visitor a few weeks ago. Young, dark hair, intensely protective, tongue sharp as a knife? Ringing any bells?"
Youko winced sharply and found a particularly interesting spot on the wall to examine. Visiting the professor probably hadn't been the best idea she had ever had. After a moment though she met Eriko's eyes again. She had known Eriko finding out was a very likely possibility, and she never made a decision she wasn't willing to see to the bitter end. "Yes."
"Why?" Odd, Eriko didn't seem angry. For a moment Youko thought of skirting the issue, then decided against it. This clearly wasn't what had Eriko in such a snit.
"You're my friend, and I was concerned." For a moment the memory of Sei standing on that platform, one bad decision from being gone completely, flashed through Youko's mind. She never wanted to feel fear like that again. "I would have done the same to Sachiko if she was pursuing a man old enough to be her father."
Eriko snorted indelicately, "She would have to take her eyes of Yumi to do that, and we both know that's not happening." She shook her head quickly, "But I'm getting away from my point." She fixed Youko with a hard look. "You always do things like that, even knowing we aren't going to appreciate it. How many times have you and Sei gotten into arguments about your meddling?"
Youko inclined her head, there was no use disputing the point. She saw a problem that needed to be fixed, and she did so. She had learned the hard way that if she left things to their own course they usually blew up in her face. After a moment Eriko continued, obviously trying to put her thoughts into words.
"You love us, and you take care of us even when we hurt you for it." Eriko watched as Youko looked away, and the truth of it made her heart hurt. How many times had she let Sei's scorn slide, how many times had she contributed to that pain herself? Silently she vowed to do better. Her friend deserved no less, and so much more. "I just don't understand why."
Youko was silent for a while, gently turning her cup in her hands as she formulated a response. At last she met Eriko's eyes, "Like you said, I love you. All of you, as exasperating as that can sometimes be."
She paused and shook her head ruefully, "In different ways, obviously." And here Eriko cocked an eyebrow. It was the closest Youko had ever come to acknowledging what Eriko had long suspected about her feelings for Sei.
After a moment Youko continued, "It's enough for me that you all lean on me from time to time. I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm the kind of person that needs to be needed." She smirked without mirth, "Which also answers your question about my career, I think. I would enjoy the arts a lot more, but I would never feel fulfilled."
Eriko smiled sadly. Her friend was right as usual. It was kind of hard to reconcile the woman sitting quietly across from her with the picture her beloved Yamanobe had painted. Then she thought back to how fiercely Youko used to defend Sachiko, and a sudden warmth filled her. If her friend had been even a fraction as fierce with Yamanobe, and she was certain she had, then Eriko could understand why the poor man had paled at her name. Needs to be needed indeed.
"Youko," A hum in response, "Let's get out of here. You can study at my place."
It was late in coming, but Eriko had already vowed to be a better friend. I'll make it up to you Youko, even if it takes the rest of our lives. And I'll bring that stupid American in line too.
