5Candice
„Demon."
„Bookgirl."
„So, how're the States doing?"
„Sinful, as always."
Anathemas and Crowleys friendship was a strange one.
It had developed shortly after the mishap with the Non-Apocalypse, after Aziraphale had insisted on inviting the young woman and her beau to tea.
And while Newton had been shown around the bookshop by the angel, Anathema and Crowley had found that they had one thing in common – their "love" for plants.
It had been eight years since that meeting and the both of them had been chatting about proper fertilising, the newest gardening equipment and how to best terrify and azalea into blooming ever since.
Crowley had nipped over to the States three months prior for a much needed pit stop on sin and sinning people. Las Vegas was the perfect place for some light tempting – he didn't have to work that hard to help them along.
He had been about to leave for a night on the town when his mobile phone had announced a call from Anathema.
"I was wondering when you'd be home.", she said, sounding a bit stressed. "I'm a bit worried about Aziraphale."
Those were words that Corlwey did not want to hear together in a sentence, so he sat back down on the bed of his fancy hotel room and listened.
"Worried? Why, what's he done now?"
"Well... I've been looking for a signed first edition Necronomicon for a while now and he promised to help me try and find one.", she reported.
"Right."
"But ever since he got a new girlfriend he's been very distracted..."
Girldfriend... Girlfriend?!
"Hold on a sec... Girlfriend?"
"Oh, he didn't tell you?", Anathema asked. "At first I thought he was cheating on you, because... You know... I always thought the two of you were... But that's none of my business, really..."
"Stay focused, bookgirl!"
"Right.", she continued. "So I called him up a few times to check up on the status of the book. And invite him over to Tadfield, so he won't be lonely while you're gone. But every time he picked up the phone he was distracted. I asked him if something was wrong and he just said Candice is being very demanding-"
"Candice...", Crowley growled, letting the name roll around in his mouth. He didn't like it.
"Yeah. He told me he had picked her up in St. James's park one night. She had been hurt, so he took her home to care for her... And apparently she hasn't left since."
...
"I'll need to call you back, bookgirl."
"Yeah, sure."
He hung up, cracking the screen of his smartphone in the process, growling.
On the one hand, it was very typical of Aziraphale to pick up strays, caring for people who were hurt. But a girlfriend? In the sixthousand years he had known the angel he had never acquired a girlfriend! Or any love interest for that matter...
It was the middle of the night in London, but Anathema always worked late, and Aziraphale was probably awake as well. It did take a while however for the angel to pick up the phone.
"Yes? Crowley? Is that you? Can you hear me?"
"Of course it's me, who else would call you this late?"
There was the sound of ruffling papers, a crackling fire and a teacup being set down in the background.
"I'm sorry, dear.", the angel said. "I'm still trying to get used to this mobile phone device you got me. I believe I've put you on speaker phone. I can talk to you without pressing the thing to my ear! It's marvellous."
"Yes, that's great, angel. Listen..."
Now, how to approach the subject? Crowley had absolutely no idea what to say.
"I've just been talking to bookgirl-"
"Anathema, dear. Her name is Anathema."
"Whatever. She wanted me to ask about a book you were helping her to find? She says she's having a hard time reaching you."
Smooth, Crowley. Very smooth, the demon thought, trying to ignore the nervous tone in his voice and the image of all kinds of women strolling around the bookshop.
"Ah, yes! Thank you for reminding me. I've got it right here, I've just been a bit preoccupied as of late."
Now comes the tricky bit...
"Why?", he asked. "Trying to find a restaurant in London you haven't been too?"
Aziraphale chuckled. It was music to the demons ears.
"No, nothing like that, dear. I've just been – Candice! Candice, no! I'm trying to have a conversation with- Candice!"
Crowley heard the sudden sound of ripping cloth. It took him a second to realise that he had clawed his left hand into the feathery mattress, shredding it.
The trollop was there. Right now. With his angel!
"Something wrong, Aziraphale?", he asked, trying to sound casual and not at all jealous.
"Yes, yes, everything's fine.", Aziraphale coughed.
"Say, Crowley dear, when will you be coming back? I have someone I would like to introduce to you."
There was no time to lose. He had to get back.
"I'm actually on my way to the airport right now.", he lied, got up and looked for his things. But then he remembered that he could just miracle his suitcase back into his flat in Mayfair, so he did.
"I'll be back in the morning."
He could almost feel Aziraphales glee through the phone.
"That's wonderful, dear! Then you absolutely must come over for dinner. I'll be cooking!"
"Sounds great. See you then."
"See you tomorrow, dear!"
Now, here's the thing about Aziraphale and technology. It took him an awful lot of time to get used to the latest updated devices. Crowley wanted to hang up, but before he pressed the screen, he realised that Aziraphale had not hung up.
The line was still open, and he was talking... Talking to her.
"Now, Candice, what have I told you about interrupting me? I said I'd be up in bed in a minute..."
Crowley had to swallow the snarl that was threatening to escape his throat.
"Let me just put my stuff away and... Candice, no! I told you my clothes are off limits! Let go of my trousers, you silly thing!"
Crowley was out the door and running to get a taxi, still listening to Aziraphale cooing at this mysterious girl.
He couldn't hear her replies, just the rustling of clothes, teacups and books landing on the floor.
"Candice! My books! Ohhh no, don't think hugging me will change anything, young lady."
Young lady...
"Candice, behave...", Aziraphale growled, amused and playful - and suddenly, the line was dead.
The taxi driver had never gotten a more generous tip for driving to the airport at high speed.
Aziraphale looked exhausted.
When Crowley arrived in London, it was lunchtime. He just didn't have the nerve to wait until dinner to see him. And he couldn't wait to see the stupid-
"Crowley! What a nice surprise!", the angel said, beaming and happy to see the demon.
Crowley scanned the bookshop with suspicious eyes. No customers – and no girl.
"Thought I'd surprise you.", he said.
Aziraphale seemed nervous somehow. Crowley could smell it. He looked dishevelled – like he'd only just got out of bed.
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?", he asked, miracled two glasses of single malt scotch into existence and gave one to the angel.
"No, not at all.", the blonde said, gulping down the liquid down in one swift swing. "I'm glad that you're here already, actually. I really need your advice on something."
"Glad to be of service. How can I help?"
Aziraphale let himself fall onto one of the comfortable chairs in his bookshop and sighed.
"Shortly after you went away I had a rather strange encounter in St. James's Park.", he began, filling the glass back up with a thought.
"I'm embarrassed to say, Crowley, I now know what humans say when they talk about Falling in love at first sight"
Crowley coughed up his scotch, surprised.
A girlfriend was one thing, but love?
What the hell is going on?
"Y-You're in love?", he asked. "That's... great?"
Crowley watched as a happy and genuine smile appeared on his angels face.
"Oh, I am. Her name is Candice and she's the most beautiful thing. She's kind, but feisty, loving – but also very, very physical... That's why I need your help."
The demon didn't dare interrupt. He didn't trust his voice.
"I've only ever had experiences with one male specimen in the past, as you know..."
Wait, as I know? Male specimen? Did Azirapahle have a boyfriend I don't know about?
The angel continued, not realising the absolute shock Crowley was experiencing.
"I have absolutely no experiences when it comes to females. So I was hoping you could give me some tips..."
Aziraphale got up and put the glass down on the table.
"She's ever so affectionate, but I don't know if that's normal."
"W-Well... That depends, I suppose."
"Would you like to meet her? She's upstairs, and she's been dying to meet you."
And honestly, how could the demon have said no?
This person, Candice, obviously made Aziraphale happy. Happier than he could have imagined. And he was asking for advice for satans sake.
"Sure..", he mumbled. "I'd love to."
The second glass of scotch was emptied and miracled into oblivion.
They ascended the stairs to Aziraphales small bedroom and Crowley almost prayed that he did not have to see a naked woman spread out on his angles bed.
But when the angel opened the door, the room was empty.
"Now, where is she hiding? Candice?"
Crowley noticed the slightest movement under the covers.
Something was moving.
"Ah, there you are, you little minx. I brought Crowley with me. Come on out, I know you wanted to meet him!"
Aziraphale lifted the blanket and dove in, hiding the upper part of his body under the covers.
"There, there, sleepyhead. Good morning."
Crowley blinked in confusion.
"Isn't she just the most beautiful thing, Crowley? Candice, say hello."
And say hello she did.
A big, yellow, absolutely stunningly beautiful burmese python was wrapping itself all around Aziraphales body, trying to touch the warm body of the angel in any way possible.
The snake tested the air with her tongue, stretching, reaching out for Crowley – and put her cold nose square on the demons lips.
"Oh, she likes you! Don't you, Candice?"
A snake.
Aziraphale had adopted a bloody snake.
And her name was Candice.
"She's... Well... She is.. definitely..."
"Gorgeous, right?", Aziraphale cooed, rubbing his cheeks against the cold scales of the yellow python.
"The poor thing escaped from a terrarium and had cut herself on the glass. I found her one night while strolling through St. James's Park. I couldn't just leave the poor thing there, so I took her with me."
"And you need my help, because..."
"Well, you're the only snake I really know, but you're male. At least most of the time. I don't know if a female snake needs any special care. I took care of her injuries, of course. But she's been so clingy, and she constantly crawls into bed with me."
Candice coiled a little bit tighter around the angel, placing her head on the bed of blonde hair.
"I think she's lonely. Poor thing. She needs a friend."
Crowley tried to wrap his head around the fact that Aziraphale was in love. With a snake.
Get it together, Crowley. He picked up a stray pet!
"And you named her Candice, because...?"
"Oh, that's her name. But that's the only thing she ever told me. I can't seem to communicate with her. That's why I need your help. Do you mind talking to her, dear? I want to know if she needs anything."
"-Sure... Let's talk... Candice...", he hissed.
A few days later, Anathema found a package on her sofa in her cottage – and her burmese python back in her terrarium, along with a letter from an angel.
They had not been there in the morning when she had left - but Anathema had long since stopped being surprised when small miracles happened.
"Dear Anathema.
Thank you ever so much for letting me borrow Candice. She is lovely.
Plan worked, as predicted.
I am enclosing your signed first edition of the Necronomicon.
Do stop by for tea soon, my dear.
Love,
Aziraphale."
