1Haru lay in bed, listening to the sound of Yuki's breathing as he lay asleep. It had been a couple of hours since they'd kissed and since that had happened the two had talked for a little bit before calling it a night.
Yuki had been concerned about a couple of things soon after. He had been worried that Rin would not be happy about it. He was also struck by fear that Akito would somehow find out and just the act of kissing between them would be enough for him to try to hurt one of them, particularly Haru.
To be honest, after the initial pleasure had worn off, Haru had felt the same about Akito. He had wondered why in the hell he'd dared to do such a thing when the very reason he had come over was because of Rin's attack at the God's hands. He must have been out of his mind or something to actually risk something like that happening again. Maybe not to Rin, but perhaps to Yuki or to him. Perhaps deep down he knew that nothing of substance would really amount from it, and so it had felt like it was safe to do.
He still really hated feeling out of control at times. He was so often guided by his unstable emotions and unable to do anything about it. It could be painfully frustrating to the point that he wanted to scream, funnily enough.
Anyway, in regards to Yuki's worries about Rin, the thing was that Rin didn't actually feel that negatively towards Yuki. She didn't dislike him, in any case. She was never really bothered by Haru's feelings for him. Perhaps because Haru had sincerely reassured her that she was really the one for him. He still had difficulty suppressing his feelings for Yuki, though. He just held him in such high regard that it was hard not to feel overwhelmed by love for him at times. But he had to admit it wasn't totally surprising that Yuki felt concerned as he had. Rin tended to give that vibe to people. The truth was, the girl was under such persistent distress due to the curse and was so desperate to find a way to break it, that she cared little for much else. Aside from Haru, anyway. And Haru wanted so badly for her to find that happiness, for her to attain that freedom she so desired and so deserved. And he wanted it not just for her, but for everyone. For them.
It was so frightening that she'd been pushed out of a window, for God's sake. It was absolutely jarring, and had shaken Haru so much that he'd attacked Akito himself, had actually wrapped his hands around the asshole's neck, tightening them to the point of choking him. He wanted to scare him just as he'd been scared. Sometimes, he truly hated him. He hated being forced to answer to someone...especially someone with a maniacal thirst for power. I mean, how could he be a God anyway? Did he have magical powers? Did he create the universe? No, he didn't. In a way, he was just like Haru. A mere insignificant human.
And despite how Haru had felt over the moon when he'd finally kissed Yuki, it didn't take long for him to feel anxious yet again. He was aware that he'd done something that had made Yuki uncomfortable. Yuki even told him that he'd groped him. Haru had been so on edge, so disturbed due to what had happened with Rin that he realized that perhaps he should have waited a while before coming to see Yuki. It was as though his sanity had unraveled far too easily just by seeing his cousin when he was in such a vulnerable state. It was utterly perplexing and also frightened him deeply. It made him see himself in a negative light. He practically worshiped the ground that Yuki walked on and yet he'd touched him without his consent. Like...that went so against his morals in general. He never could have imagined himself doing such a thing to another person, much less to either Yuki or Rin. And yet...he'd done it. All because of what? Feeling deranged? Tempted? Going black?
Yes, it was true that he'd always had difficulty suppressing his feelings for others, especially Rin and Yuki. But he'd also always had some level of restraint that never led to him crossing the line. And yet, he felt that he'd crossed it tonight. Perhaps it really wasn't that big of a deal, like Yuki had repeatedly assured him. It was the slightest touch, he'd said. But still. The fact that it was unwanted was all that mattered. And it made him feel a little guilty that Yuki's feelings for him had changed soon after. It was bewildering in a way. It had actually upset him at first, as he'd thought about it. he'd felt that his cousin who had been abused when he was younger just didn't understand his feelings. But Yuki had again reassured him that he was overreacting and that wasn't the case at all. That he actually did want to kiss him.
Haru still really didn't want something like that to ever happen again. The fact of the matter was, whenever he turned black he'd become a completely different person. Intimidating, cruel, and just plain vicious. He'd always suspected that Yuki was a bit frightened of him when it would happen, although his cousin had never admitted it. Yuki tended to put on a brave front and would act as though things didn't faze him even if they'd make him quake internally. It was something he admired about his cousin, but it also felt like a character flaw. He tended to take on too much and would often break underneath the pressure, like when he'd push himself physically into having an asthma attack.
Anyway, turning black happened often enough that Haru was used to it, but at the same time he always dreaded the impending change. Because he never knew what was going to happen afterward. He was surprised that he was even able to function as normally as he was despite this very obvious problem he had. Sometimes he couldn't help but wonder...What the hell was wrong with him?
Suddenly there was some rustling from above and Haru tensed. It was getting late and it would seem odd if he was caught awake at this time. So he turned away from Yuki, hoping his cousin would believe he was asleep.
Yuki stopped moving around and didn't show any indication that he would try to speak to Haru. Haru felt relieved as he relaxed.
He couldn't lie, though. It had felt so nice to finally kiss Yuki after so long. He was still shocked that his cousin had actually allowed such a thing to happen. That he gave in. At the same time, the reason that Haru was able to harness such courage was because he could see something in the way that Yuki had been looking at him that was different. Almost as though he was watching him more closely than before...studying him in some way. And his eyes weren't cold and critical, but warm and appreciative. It was bizarre and yet, Haru liked it very much. He was so used to Yuki being abrasive towards him that he couldn't help but feel this change was welcome indeed. Seeing his eyes soften as he'd looked at him made butterflies float around his stomach. Seeing that change was both frightening and yet so enticing at the same time. He knew it was most likely just going to be a one time thing, but he was perfectly happy with that.
Still, he was hoping to see Rin soon. Yes, it was nice to be comforted by his cousin, but he was mostly concerned for his girlfriend and her current condition. He had a feeling that she wouldn't be too keen on seeing him, for fear of something happening to him as well, though. That was just how Rin was. She cared deeply for others, and was fully prepared to take the consequences herself if need be. Haru really admired her character for this and many other reasons. She was so strong and so dependable. A shoulder to lean on when he needed support. It always felt amazing to be held in her arms as she'd console him anytime he felt lost. Truth be told, he wondered what he'd done to deserve such an amazing girl. Despite the fact that she seemed so serious, she'd often reveal her vulnerabilities to him, the things she secretly liked and enjoyed. Things that made her happy. To others she appeared to be a scowling curmudgeon, but to him she was just the sweetest thing.
As Haru lay in bed he felt somewhat comforted by his thoughts and reflections. Perhaps coming here may have been a good thing after all, if it helped him to understand himself a bit better. He just knew one thing. He couldn't allow himself to hurt anyone he cared about ever again. There was no way he'd allow it. Even if that meant staying away from people entirely anytime he felt like he may turn black. If that was what was necessary, then so be it. If he was capable of any semblance of control, he'd be more than happy to take it. And so he felt some determination that night to make a change. A positive change not only for those around him, but also for himself. Feeling content, Haru was able to relax enough to eventually fall asleep.
A/N: I felt like adding another chapter just because it seemed like some things were unresolved and it was bothering me. Hopefully this helps somewhat...anyway, I realized how difficult it is to write a Yuki/Haru story that is set anytime within the manga. For me, anyway...
