59Easter Day
April 2011
Sarah MacKenzie Rabb was no stranger to insomnia. For much of her life, it had always been a constant presence. It was something that started in childhood, she was sure. She could recall the nights she would hide under the covers praying that her dad would stop yelling and throwing things.
And then, during her sober adult life, there were all kinds of stresses and triggers that would keep her awake. When she was attending law school, it was the course material, when she became a JAG it was her cases and investigations. Then, once she was transferred to the JAG HQ, thoughts of one Harmon Rabb, Jr. were the cause of what kept her awake many nights. Most of the time, the thoughts were very pleasant, filled with fantasy and hope. It wasn't until he went back to flying, Sydney Harbor, and the later years of their partnership that those thoughts became less pleasant and filled more with sorrow, rejection, and disappointment over all of their mistakes.
She rolled over and studied her husband's appearance. Even when he was asleep, she found that his presence had such a calming effect on her.
They were fast approaching the anniversary of losing Audrey last spring, and she'd had been feeling so melancholy lately. Vera McCool had been instrumental in helping her come to terms with her grief and her guilt, but there were days where she found that she still just felt sad. They came and went without any warning, but she knew why she was feeling this particular way today. It was Easter, and the memory of last Easter was playing in her mind repeatedly in the last few hours.
Easter Day
April 2010
Harm rolled over in bed and placed a gentle kiss on his wife's shoulder. "Good morning."
"Mmm," she sighed contently, stretching out her neck so he could trail more kisses along her body, before shimmying closer to him.
His hands slipped under her shirt and he gently caressed the growing baby bump. "Good morning to you, too, Baby Bean," he said.
"Did you feel that?" Mac asked, placing her hands over his. "I think the baby is saying good morning back to you."
"Yeah," Harm grinned. "The faintest bit, but yes."
"Pretty soon those kicks will be even stronger."
As she turned over to face him, he asked, "What time is it?" Sure, he could have rolled over and looked at the clock on his nightstand, but even after all these years, he couldn't pass up the amusement he had over his wife's internal clock.
"0639," she replied instantly. "Caroline will be in here any second now."
"I should probably get up and start the cinnamon rolls," he said.
"No," Mac shook her head. "Don't go yet. Just stay with me a little bit longer. Please?"
"Now, how can I resist that?" He tightened his arms around her as she snuggled against him.
"Besides," Mac chuckled, "I'm sure Caroline won't even be thinking about breakfast until after she finds her basket."
Harm laughed. "I don't know, Ninja Girl. She takes after you when it comes to food."
"True, but once she sets her mind to something, it becomes an obsession...like you."
"Point taken." He flashed a sheepish grin. There were certain things Caroline was very persistent about, and he knew that part of her personality came from him.
Caroline was three and a half and had an exuberant personality. She had a flare for dramatics and a rather large vocabulary for a child her age. So, naturally, they were very excited to enjoy this particular Easter through her eyes. Last night, they decorated eggs and let Caroline set out some carrots and a cookie, of course, because as their daughter pointed out, if you eat your vegetables, you should get dessert, too, for the Easter Bunny.
Mac was starting to drift back to sleep when she became aware of Caroline standing at the threshold of their open door. She rolled over to smile at her.
"Happy Easter, Itsy-Bitsy," Harm said.
Caroline walked towards them and struggled to climb up onto the king-sized bed. Mac held her arm so she wouldn't slide off the mattress, but chuckled softly when she couldn't pull Caroline up because of her growing baby bump. "I think we're going to have to send in for reinforcements from the Navy," she said to Caroline.
Harm reached over and pulled Caroline onto the bed. She crawled over and settled herself between her parents. "Hi, Baby!" She exclaimed happily to her mother's baby bump. They told her a few days ago that she was going to be a big sister, and after some initial reservation over the fact that she didn't know how to be a big sister, she became very excited to the idea of a new baby. "It's me! Caroline!"
Harm and Mac couldn't stop their smiles from forming. The moment was so touching to them.
Mac could feel the baby move about, and she said, "I think the baby is saying hi to you."
"Wow!" Caroline flashed the smile she inherited from her father. "Neat!" Then, she sighed dramatically and crossed her arms.
"Uh-oh. What's wrong?" Harm asked.
"Me not a good tective!"
Harm furrowed his brows. "A what?"
"A tective." She repeated. "I couldn't find my basket," she pouted.
"Oh," the realization dawned him. "A detective."
"Yeah."
"Where all did you look?" Mac asked.
"In my room."
"Well, you have to look all over!" Mac exclaimed. "The Easter Bunny knows you're so smart, so he probably hid it extra well."
"Me smart?" She asked.
"So smart," Harm said before kissing the crown of her head.
"Are you ready to go look for that basket?" Mac asked as she tried to maneuver herself out of bed.
Caroline shook her head vigorously. "No! Wait!" She squealed.
"What's wrong, honey?" Mac wondered as she tried to figure out what caused Caroline's sudden outburst.
"I didn't kiss Baby yet!" She crawled over her mother's lap, and with the utmost care, she gently placed a kiss on her belly. "And a kiss for Mommy, too!" She exclaimed before kissing her cheek.
"Oh, I love you so much, Caroline." Mac said as she gave Caroline a hug.
By now, Harm out of bed and was standing on Mac's side of the bed. Caroline reached her arms out towards him, and he lifted her up.
"And a kiss for Daddy, too!" She said before kissing his cheek.
Even in his sleep, Harm could sense when Mac was distraught over something. Slowly, he opened his eyes and studied her. She was facing him, her eyes not quite closed completely, but she wasn't really looking at him. She was deep in thought staring at some imaginary spot on the sheets, while picking at a random piece of thread with her fingers.
He pursed his lips together and thought about how blissfully happy they were last Easter, and then he thought about the day a few weeks later when everything came crashing down.
When Audrey died, it had been Harm who talked to Caroline about it while Mac was still in the hospital. He tried his best to explain to her that her beautiful little sister named Audrey was born too early and her heart wasn't strong enough to live on Earth. He told her that Audrey was an angel now living in Heaven.
The little girl really struggled with the concept of death, and couldn't understand that her baby sister wasn't coming home. She started to cry when she realized her father was crying, and then she became hysterical when she realized her mother wasn't home.
"Did Mommy go to Heaven to live with Baby?" Caroline had asked between sobs.
"No, no, no," Harm assured her – thanking every single power he could think of that Mac pulled through the surgery and was stable. "The doctors are taking extra special care of Mommy. She'll be home in a day or so. We can go see her tomorrow."
"Want Momma," she sobbed. She fell to the ground kicking and screaming. "Momma, Momma, Momma," she repeated over and over again.
He scooped her into his arms and held her as tightly as he could until she eventually stopped kicking him in the stomach with her tiny little legs. "Mommy's okay. Mommy's okay. She loves you and misses you and can't wait to see you." He kept repeating over and over. "Mommy's okay."
"Mommy..."
Harm shifted Caroline in his arms and tried to get her to look at him. When she finally did, he said, "Would you feel better if you sleep in our room tonight?"
Caroline nodded her head, and Harm suddenly realized that he may have to clean up the bedroom first. "Okay, here's the plan," he began. "You're going to go to your room and pick out your pj's while I go pick out my pj's and then I'll come and get you. Okay? Can you be a big girl and stay in there until I come and get you?"
Caroline nodded again, and Harm carried her up the stairs and deposited her in her bedroom. He took a deep breath as he opened the door to his bedroom and let out a huge sigh of relief when he realized that Bud and Harriet – or even Jo and Chris - must have taken care of everything. The bed was made and the pillows were arranged perfectly. He walked over to the bed and lifted the sheets and mattress cover to inspect the mattress. He knew that they would probably end up replacing the mattress, but whoever scrubbed it did a very good job, and there was barely evidence of a stain remaining.
Knowing that Caroline would realize the bed didn't smell like her mother, Harm walked over to the vanity and rummaged through the lotions, perfumes, and body sprays - sniffing each one until he found the one that Mac usually put on at night. He sprayed it a few times on the sheets and pillows and then changed and went to retrieve Caroline.
In her bedroom, he found Caroline sitting on the floor with her blanket and stuffed animal. She looked so dejected and confused and Harm's heart broke even more. Caroline was sucking her thumb – a habit that she lost a very long time ago, and Harm realized just how scared she was. She looked up at him when he walked in the room, and she held her arms out to him. Even though she didn't understand what was going on, she knew there was something wrong. She clung to him tightly as he brought her to the bedroom and barely let go of him when he placed her on Mac's side of the bed.
Caroline pressed her head against her mother's pillow and then turn to study her father. "Will Baby come home from Heaven tomorrow?" she asked softly.
Harm swallowed and shook his head. "No, Itsy-Bitsy. Once you go to Heaven you stay there forever."
"I love Baby. I'm sad."
"Mommy and I love her, too. It's okay to be sad. We're all sad."
For the days immediately following, Caroline asked about Audrey every day and why she couldn't play with her – until one day, when she suddenly stopped, and didn't mention her again.
Harm cleared his throat trying to push that memory away. Mac was so focused on whatever it was that she was thinking about, that she barely registered the fact that he was awake. It wasn't until he reached out to cup her face with his hands that she looked at him completely. "Hi," he whispered.
"Hi," she parroted back, her voice soft as she placed her hands over his.
"Come here," he whispered and she rolled into his arms. "I love you." He kissed the top of her forehead.
"I love you," she said.
"Mommy? Daddy? You awake?" They heard Caroline ask from the door.
"Come on in, Itsy-Bitsy," Harm said, sighing softly. He wished they had a few more minutes alone to talk about what was on their minds, but he knew Caroline's energy and sense of childhood wonderment would bring them both some of the calmness and joy they were looking for today.
Mac discreetly wiped away any tears before rolling over to face the door where Caroline was. "Are you ready to go look for your basket? I'm sure the Easter Bunny hid it very well."
Caroline shook her head. "Not yet. I gots something for you first."
"For me?" Mac seemed confused and glanced at her husband, but he appeared to be as equally confused.
"And Daddy!" She nodded. "I be right back! 'Kay?"
"Okay."
Harm and Mac sat up against the headboard and turned on the lights on the nightstand as Caroline trotted back into the room. She was carrying an Easter basket, but it wasn't the one they hid for her the night before.
"I asked Aunt Harriet why the Easter Bunny doesn't bring stuff for grown-ups. I told her it made me sad," Caroline began. "She said I could make basket for you and she helped me. Looky!" The basket was filled with an assortment of crafts that Caroline had made, some candy, and a few activities for them to do as a family.
Harm reached in the basket and opened on one of the pictures Caroline drew. It was three stick figures standing by a yellow airplane.
"That's us by Sarah!" She exclaimed proudly. "You can take it to work so you can always think of me and Mommy!"
"I absolutely will! You did a great job, Itsy-Bitsy."
"Open your picture Mommy!"
"Okay, okay," Mac laughed as she shuffled the items around in the basket until she found the picture Caroline made for her. "Wow, this is excellent," she praised once she opened it.
"You like it?" Caroline asked.
"I love it," Mac corrected.
Caroline beamed. "It's you and me and Daddy with a dinosaur! RAWR! And you can take that to work so you can always think of me and Daddy! Guess what dinosaur it is! Guess, guess, guess!"
Mac studied the picture – even though Caroline drew in a very childlike way still, her drawings were very detailed for a child of her age. She knew exactly what type of dinosaur it was. "Come here," she motioned for Caroline to come closer, and then whispered her response in the child's ear.
"Yes!" Caroline squealed with delight, clapping her hands together.
Mac looked mischievously at Harm and passed the paper to him. "It's Daddy's turn to guess now."
Harm frowned. Mac may have picked up a thing or two about airplanes over the years, but he could definitely say he did not retain any knowledge about dinosaurs. He realized that he should probably make more of an effort to do so. "It's um...it's a, uh... um..." he scratched his chin as he tried to think of anything other than "T-Rex." "It's a brachiosaurus!" It was the only other name he could think of and he just blurted it out.
Mac tried to contain her laughter as best as she could, and Caroline looked absolutely appalled.
Caroline furrowed her brows. "No, Daddy! It's clearly a stegosaurus. Look at its back!" She pointed to the spikes she drew.
"Oh, I see now." Though, he really didn't.
Caroline seem unconvinced as she crossed her arms and then turned to look at her mother. "Next time we need to go see the dinosaurs again instead of the airplanes. Daddy has lots to learn about dinosaurs."
