5Not What I Expected
Lucifer wasn't made to understand people. It's not something that used to bother him. He always preferred the company of stars, a colorful palette of unpredictable light, an extension of himself that needed no further examination. Unfortunately, it's not stardust that kept him company anymore, it's the girl and if he ever understood her, it's become a lost art, buried deep inside him, along with the rest of his memories of her.
"You're kicking me out of the house," Lucifer said evenly, testing the waters.
He didn't always get her sense of humor.
As expected, Natalie laughed, but it's nervous, and she's fidgeting with her backpack and constantly looking back at the door as if that will keep him at bay. Not a chance, this wasn't a conversation he was willing to put off. What does he care if she's a few minutes late? She'd brought this on herself.
"Not exactly, I just think it's better if you stay away for a while," she said without elaborating further.
He grits his teeth, an unfamiliar heat crawling up his face. She's never straightforward with him.
"And, what exactly do you hope to accomplish by barring me from the house?" Lucifer asked, biting back the scathing remark at the tip of his tongue.
He'd thought they were past yesterday's unpleasantness, and she'd been careful since the incident not to order him around needlessly. Apparently, she'd been biding her time to drop this bombshell on him before school.
"I don't know. Maybe, since it's your day off, you should pay Gabe a visit while I'm gone?" Natalie offered weakly, attempting to side step him and make a break for it.
Lucifer shook his head and sighed, easily outpacing her before strategically blocking the doorway. Contract or not, he wasn't going to let her weasel her way out of explaining things this time.
"Natalie, why can't you just tell me the truth? Or do you no longer trust me in your home?" he asked, suddenly uncertain.
The fact that the house remained relatively unscathed despite the litany of unwelcomed guests they had suffered was a miracle in itself, one she might not want to risk with Zack lingering in the area.
She stopped in her tracks, shaking her head furiously.
"No, of course not, I do trust you, I do," she insisted, smiling warmly at him as she approached. And for a second, he almost believed her until he caught her eyeing the locked door behind him.
"Then, why?" Lucifer asked stiffly, snatching her hand when it hovered to close, weary of her slipping past him, of hearing the soft click of betrayal if he allowed himself to fall for her feigned affection for even a second.
It was all the more painful that instead of resisting, she leaned in, squeezing his hand in reassurance.
"This place isn't enough for you, Lucifer. It's not healthy for you to linger here," Natalie murmured.
"What exactly do you mean by not enough?" Lucifer asked, furrowing his brows, trying to think, but his concentration feels irrevocably shattered.
He's been ensnared by the garden, and he's not sure if he's ever hungered for anything more.
"I've noticed. . . How to put this- Hmm- You're slowly driving yourself insane," Natalie said finally, letting out a sharp little laugh.
Oh, was that all? He'd gone from running all of Heaven to walking dogs five times a week.
It's not a surprise that Earth's failed to fully satisfy him. Under his current circumstances, he'd been doing his best to manage.
"How so?" he asked instead, not wishing to worry her further. And, maybe, he can talk her out of her insane plan although his past attempts have all ended with his complete and total surrender.
"You've cleaned the entire house three times now. I think dad actually taught you to do laundry because there are things in my closet I definitely remember tossing in the attic. I don't think you realized half of them were Halloween costumes. You keep doing my homework before I have a chance to." She stopped herself, cheeks slightly pink.
"It's not that I'm ungrateful," she insisted, triggered another emotion that he can't quite place, but it's laced with frustration and that he's all too familiar with.
"I never said you were," Lucifer said, letting out an exasperated sigh.
Apparently, he was being punished for being too helpful. Lucifer had planned to finish cleaning out the attic today, and possibly hunt for more books to read but that definitely wasn't happening anymore.
" Anyway, maybe you should try spending more time with people when I'm not here," Natalie suggested, eyes strangely hopeful. He can't even pretend to go against her.
"If I go, will you rescind this ridiculous command of yours when you return?" Lucifer asked pointedly.
"Sure, as long as you make an effort to connect with people when I'm not here, we're golden," Natalie amended, withdrawing from him after a quick glance at her watch. She can't quite hide her panic.
"I should get going. Do you mind?" Natalie asked, shifting his gaze from him to the locked door behind him, a patient smile on her face as she politely waits for him to step aside.
It finally dawns on him that she never planned to force her way past him. There's an entirely different heat in his cheeks now. He's likely earned her a detention.
"As you wish," Lucifer said absently, forgetting where he's picked up that particular phrase.
He ignored the ensuing giggles and reluctantly stepped outside, clearing the pathway for her. She briskly walked past him, but not before giving him one last peck on the cheek.
It's not the first time she'd done that, and he's sure it wouldn't be the last, and yet, he very much wanted to say something, anything.
"Natalie, I-" he started to whisper, but he didn't get to finish because the next words out of her mouth were-
"Bye Lucifer, I'll see you soon. Don't follow me."
Don't follow me.
It stung to be so completely at her mercy. And now, he had no way forward and no way back.
Left with little choice, he went to his brother's cafe, praying for some kind of distraction. Father delivered. Ipos was waiting for him in his usual booth.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, feeling his muscles tense and his fingers twitch, longing for a battle that would never come. He forced himself to relax.
Ipos had every reason to destroy him, and never once had he succumb to the temptation
"I could ask you the same thing. Oh wise and terrible leader," Ipos said, sarcasm thick as he chugged the remainder of his coffee.
"I'm not here for you," Lucifer clarified right off the bat. The last thing he wanted was to lead them on anymore than he already had. Ipos chuckled. It was the same deep rumbling sound that he'd missed.
"You never were," Ipos shot back good naturedly.
Lucifer paused, unsure how to proceed. Was Ipos not angry anymore?
He decided to apologize regardless.
"I honestly never meant to -" Ipos cut him off.
Lucifer braced himself for the worst.
"Wait, are you wearing a shirt that says fallen angle like a math nerd?" Ipos said, barely holding back a second barrel of laughter.
Lucifer's eyes widened, looking down at the offending shirt with a grimace.
"Don't say it," Lucifer said, resisting the urge to take out his wings and hide his shame. It was one of the many gag gifts she had gifted him, and he hadn't exactly had time to properly get dressed before she unceremoniously kicked him to the curb this morning.
"How the mighty have fallen," Ipos said with a grin.
His first instinct was to petulantly insist he wasn't, but he held his tongue lest they end up not speaking to each other for another millennia. He sat down across from him, face still red hot. This is not at all how he'd imagined a reunion with Ipos going.
"Relax, if anything, you're grounded," Ipos said, an annoyingly smug look on his face.
Lucifer shot him a glare, but refused to argue the point. He knew why he was here. There was no need to explain himself, even to Ipos. Scratch that, especially to Ipos, his opinion of him meant nothing.
"I know you're here to see me. So, what do you want?" Lucifer snapped.
Ipos previous warm devil may care attitude faded as he leaned forward, fingers drumming absently on the table. He was all business now.
"I hate to ask this. Since, you've made it abundantly clear where your loyalties lie," Ipos said with a huff, eyeing his golden piercings with contempt.
Lucifer flinched, unwanted memories rising to the surface as a forgotten ache settled in his chest. He wished he could take it all back, fix what could never be fixed, but he could not.
Despite Michael's accusations, he was still loyal to Heaven.
Even so, did Ipos really think that he wouldn't help him?
"But, I need a favor," Ipos continued, half grumbling as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Anything," Lucifer said, overcompensating the tiniest bit.
Ipos abruptly looked up and raised an eyebrow at him as if to say, are you really that stupid?
"Within reason, of course," Lucifer corrected himself, desperately praying for the familiar flush on his cheeks to go away. He'd been made to feel far too much since coming back to Earth.
Today, his primary emotion seemed to be embarrassment.
"Of course," Ipos said with a nod, mercifully choosing not to tease him further.
"So, what's so bad that you'd ask me of all people to help you?" Lucifer asked, cracking his knuckles enthusiastically.
Ipos wouldn't have called in a favor unless he was expecting all Hell to break loose.
"Zadkiel stole my book, and I want it back" Ipos said.
Apparently, that was exactly what he was in for.
Instantly, he factored how the girl might react if he went against one of their "friends." He frowned.
"I'm not sure I can help you with that," Lucifer admitted reluctantly, knowing full well how his refusal would come across.
Ipos mouth formed a thin line, body tensing as he rapped his knuckles against the table with barely contained hostility.
"So, you said you'd do something, and you took it back, five seconds later, typical. If you're not going to help me, I'm out of here," Ipos said, standing up to leave.
"Good riddance," he muttered, without any of his usual venom.
He should stop him, try and explain, maybe even offer him someone else's expertise, but he does not.
They will always see him as the coward to end all cowards anyway. What's the point?
Ipos barely took two steps before he whipped back around to chastise him.
"Do you even get how serious this is?" Ipos asked.
Lucifer's mouth curled into a wide grin. They're not done with each other just yet.
"So, Zadkiel nabbed themselves a new toy, no big deal," Lucifer said with a shrug, playing his part.
He still doesn't want to anger the girl, but he's missed Ipos, and he'll string this along as long as he can.
"No big deal, really? They now have an all powerful ancient tome at their disposal. With that kind of power, They'll kickstart the apocalypse in a week," Ipos said, sliding back into his seat.
Lucifer scoffed, uniquely qualified to call Ipos on his bullshit.
"So far, all they've done is open up a couple of dimensional portals trying to impress Natalie. Something they haven't managed in the slightest," Lucifer said with a dismissive wave.
" They're distracted. We have time. "
A few millennia ago that would have been enough to end the conversation for good, instead, Ipos shook his head, looking at him like he was the biggest idiot on earth.
"You really have no idea how long I've been keeping them on a leash, do you? "
"A leash . . . " The pieces clicked into place.
"You're the one who tricked Zadkiel into making a contract with Natalie in the first place, aren't you?" Lucifer said with a groan.
Of course, Zadkiel hadn't contracted Natalie willingly, a suburb in California wasn't exactly his siblings style.
"Don't give me that look. I wasn't expecting them to get contracted to the prophecy girl of all people. I just needed Zadkiel distracted for a few more months," Ipos said, holding his hands up in surrender as he fell back on old habits.
"Why? I would think you'd be thrilled the end of days was finally coming. "
It's what he's supposed to want anyway, what Lucifer always assumed would be the case.
Ipos leaned back against the cheap plastic, a slightly sheepish smile on his face.
"I like earth, and Zadkiel was pretty much ready to raze the whole thing to the ground before he met Natalie," Ipos said.
He then rolled his eyes heavenward before fixing his gaze on Lucifer meaningfully.
"I don't know what it is about that girl, but she makes celestials go crazy."
Lucifer stiffened. The girl did have a knack for charming angels, fallen or otherwise, but he wasn't about to admit it, especially to Ipos, who's opinion we've established isn't important.
"What exactly are you implying?"
This earned another chuckle from Ipos.
"You're opting out of the apocalypse because she asked you to."
It was damning evidence, but he'd always been persuasive when he really wanted to be.
He kept his face impassive and said matter of factly, "We're contracted. I have to what she says."
No luck, Ipos immediately shook his head and shoved him lightly on the shoulder.
"Oh please, we both know if you really wanted to leave. You'd have done it already."
The mischievous gleam in his eye told him everything he needed to know. Lucifer sighed. Ipos, as always, was several steps ahead of him.
"You're right. I'm here of my own volition," He thought back to this morning and grimaced.
"More or less."
"You should have left," Ipos said.
The words held no malice, only concern. Lucifer stayed quiet.
"You still can" he added, almost pleading.
Lucifer shut his eyes, aware he would be foolish to ignore such warnings from a friend he kept tabs on for knowing far too much. And yet, it wasn't enough to tempt him out of Eden.
"I won't unless you can give me a reason."
Ipos shrugged, composing himself.
"Call it a gut feeling," he said casually, too casually, but Lucifer didn't press him for details.
"Anyway, so long as Zadkiel has the book, there's a real risk of Uriel frying everyone to a crisp for insurrection," he continued as if they weren't discussing the possibility of a third of his people getting exterminated.
Lucifer narrowed his eyes, aware of the prickling sensation along his back as his wings instinctively prepared to rip through his mortal coil at the perceived threat. He willed them to stand down.
"But that isn't even what Zadkiel is doing, Heaven can't just do whatever it wants because a situation looks bad, " he argued, making Ipos roll his eyes for the second time that day.
"Won't matter if we get the book," Ipos said, taking out a secondary notebook. (The kind that didn't necessarily contain forbidden secrets but could in a pinch.) He flipped pages until he found what he was looking for.
"They've gone into hiding to avoid me, but I know they'll come out of the woodwork to see her," Ipos said, showing him a day planner filled with small tidbits of information on Zadkiel's whereabouts over the last week.
Lucifer focused on the circled date, and swore silently. The girl would not be pleased.
" Anything significant happening on the seventeenth?"
When Lucifer didn't answer right away, Ipos pressed on.
"Birthday, funeral, someone in the family getting married, maybe?"
Still, Lucifer said nothing, but it was clear that Ipos already knew that he knew something. Even so, he played dumb, waiting for Lucifer to break first.
"Shame, you don't know. Zadkiel definitely has something planned on that day. I suppose I could always ask the girl since their so close."
"That's the night of the prom," Lucifer blurted out.
He'd already seen Ipos write out the girl's address in neat little scribbles in a section called Zadkiel's frequent hangouts. He didn't need another celestial forcing themselves into the girl's life. (Lucifer didn't count. He'd been invited in.)
And, if prom had to be sacrificed to keep the situation from becoming apocalyptic, then, so be it.
"Perfect, I'll rip my damn book out of their slippery pocket dimensions, no problem, " Ipos said, ready to duck out now that he had what he wanted because of course he already knew where the girl went to school.
"They'll teleport away before you even get close," Lucifer muttered, words tinged with bitterness.
Even with all the girl's precautions, he was getting sucked back in wasn't he?
"Ah, but you said it yourself, the girl's a great distraction," Ipos said with a playful wink.
Lucifer froze, mind reeling with all the ways that could go wrong. He knew what tended to happen to "distractions" in war. Everything in his immediate area trembled with untold ethereal energy.
"Keep her out of this," Lucifer said, voice low and laced with deadly promise.
Ipos nodded, shuddering involuntarily as Lucifer's eyes blazed with holy fury.
"Look, I really don't care how as long as Zadkiel doesn't see me coming," Ipos relented, far less confident than when he started. Good.
Satisfied, he reigned in his powers. Gabriel caught his eye from across the room with a silent question. He shook his head. Lucifer was back in control of the situation in more ways than one.
Giving it careful thought, he weighed the pros and cons of his two remaining options. The only two that still mattered to Zadkiel at least.
"We can't bring Uriel into this," he decided finally. That was just asking for trouble.
"Obviously," Ipos said, still shaken but more than a little amused by Lucifer's idea of an acceptable alternative.
"I could invite Raphael," Lucifer suggested, letting the idea hang in the air.
Because, he could admit that, maybe, in this one instance, Ipos opinion did matter. He was rewarded with a face splitting grin.
"Hah, that would do it."
And, that should have settled the matter for good. There was just one problem.
"Michael's going," he added casually.
Ipos winced and ordered another coffee. Gabriel took the order but shot Ipos dirty looks the whole time. Luckily, Ipos was too absorbed in the conversation to notice.
"Oof, then, there's a fifty-fifty shot of the whole thing backfiring on you," Ipos advised, and it almost felt like old times. Not that he actually needed much advising at the moment, he'd already made up his mind regardless.
"You're right, of course, but I think I can manage. It'll serve Michael right for inviting himself along," Lucifer said.
Ipos nodded agreeably, and they slipped into a comfortable silence for a few minutes.
Lucifer broke the silence first.
"Hey, Ipos, could we hang out?" And, he sounded juvenile even to his own ears.
But, Ipos expression was only fond, and that made him feel better about bringing it up at all.
"We could go back to my bar if you'd like," he offered.
"We both know they'll murder me on sight." It wasn't an exaggeration, and the alternative wasn't much better if he wanted to stay on good terms with Ipos. (He'd been on Earth long enough to glean from Gabriel that you needed customers to run a successful business.)
"Hmm, we should probably work up to that then," he mused, face lighting up as he thought up a solution. He snapped his fingers.
"Tell you what, why don't I sneak you into the back of my bar and we do what we've been itching to do all along."
Ipos accepted his coffee from Gabriel, but instantly regretted it when he took a sip. Unfortunately for Ipos, Lucifer was too distracted to properly chastise his brother for jumping to conclusions and making less than favorable coffee. Instead, Lucifer furrowed his brows, feeling like he missed something.
"What are you talking about?"
Not wishing to make a scene, Ipos begrudgingly paid for the subpar coffee and elaborated.
"Let's just beat each other to a pulp. I'm tired of holding onto this negative energy. I want to move on," he said, already palming his fist eagerly in anticipation.
Lucifer only laughed. He couldn't be serious. They were friends, right? Friends didn't beat each other up.
"I'm not beating you up Ipos," he stated matter a factly.
Ipos raised an eyebrow at the insinuation, a slight gleam to his eye.
"Who says I'm the one who'd get beat up?" he offered instead.
"Archangel, in case you forgot," Lucifer said, gesturing to himself with a bit more pride than Heaven might approve of. Luckily, Ipos didn't particularly care what Heaven thought and huffed.
"True, but I'd give you a run for your money, fancy wings," he said, gently but firmly punching each of Lucifer's shoulders.
"Hah." Lucifer beamed. It was nice to reconnect with someone you thought you'd lost, less nice to think the girl actually had a point about talking to other people. He just wouldn't bring it up.
After the seventeenth, maybe, when they'd successfully avoided the apocalypse for another week, he might mention his new? no-old friend.
"There is one other thing we could do," he trailed off unsure. He was drawing a blank as far as what Ipos liked to do besides drink and fight. (Both options were unfortunately off the table.)
"What?" Ipos asked, curious and no longer uneasy now that the salt and pepper shakers weren't quaking with celestial energy.
"Do you like karaoke? There's a karaoke bar nearby" Lucifer said weakly. He liked singing but-
"She got to you didn't she," Ipos said accusingly, pointing to the specific date on his little day planner when Natalie first took Zadkiel to a karaoke bar.
Lucifer bristled, pushing down the irrational jealousy threatening to consume him when he realized that Zadkiel had been invited to the karaoke bar the very first day they met, and he had yet to receive a similar invitation from the girl despite living with her for over a week.
"No, I don't care about that stuff. We don't have to go if you don't want to, " Lucifer lied, annoyed at himself for sounding so defensive. Ipos picked up on it right away
"Sure, we could go," Ipos said, finally leaving the booth for good as he gestured for Lucifer to follow him out. He did, ignoring the way Gabriel waved his arms and repeatedly begged him not to go.
Thinking better of it, he turned around one last time before leaving the coffee shop and gave his confused brother two thumbs up to signal he was okay. From what he saw, it did nothing to alleviate Gabriel's panic, and he was definitely calling Michael. Oh well, he needed to talk to Michael anyway.
It wouldn't do to drop Raphael on him without any warning.
As they walked over to the karaoke bar, he casually mentioned his other favorite thing about earth so far, "We could go to the library afterwards."
Ipos snickered, eyes glowing with warmth. "Are you serious?"
"They let you take out as many books as you want. You just have to return them by a certain date," Lucifer explained, thinking maybe Ipos had never used a library before.
"... I forgot how much of a geek you were. It's making it hard for me to hate you," he said, clearly joking. He was better at picking up on Ipos's jokes than Natalie's.
"Do you not want to go?" he asked anyway just to be sure. Ipos shook his head, grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him closer
"Come on, you little nerd. I'll watch you sing your little heart out, and then we'll get you some books. "
And they did just that, with one amendment, Ipos was required to join in when Lucifer sang a duet. Lucifer had a good time, and Ipos must have too because he promised they'd go again after the seventeenth. Happy and not wishing to worry her, when Natalie asked later where he went, he told a little white lie and said he spent the day at Gabriel's coffee shop alone.
