28Lance ran through the corridors of the Atlas. He wore his paladin armor; it felt familiar yet strange after months of wearing the garrison uniforms. More than anything else, though, it felt heavy, and Lance probably would have cast it aside in order to move faster hadn't known that he would need it. The weight made it hard to even lift his feet to run, but Lance powered through. He practically gasped for breath, but he couldn't stop – he refused to stop. They needed him. He had to get to them.
He had to save them.
He pushed himself to go faster, the white walls of the garrison headquarters rushing past him.
"You're too late," a voice hissed in his ear, startling him so much he almost stumbled. Lance noticed that there was a note of arrogance in the voice's tone; he got the vague impression that whoever was speaking was laughing at him, amused by his failure.
"You weren't fast enough…"
Lance tried to ignore the voice and kept running. He had to get there in time – he just had to. The voice was obviously lying.
"You weren't strong enough…"
Lance tried to tune out the voice and focus on his mission. However, with each step it became harder and harder to fight his way forward – like he was wading waist-deep through molasses.
Suddenly, he thought he heard something other than his tormentor and his own heavy breathing. It was muffled, like someone was shouting to him from underwater, but Lance latched onto it and launched himself in the direction it came from.
"You weren't clever enough..."
All of a sudden Lance found himself in front of a door. He looked for a way to open it but couldn't find anything that looked like a keypad or a doorknob. He reached for his bayard, thinking that maybe he could cut his way in, but it wasn't there. He tried to summon it, but to no avail.
"YOU weren't enough to save them!" the voice laughed. Lance blinked, and then he was inside the room. He blinked at the scene change before examining his surroundings.
His jaw dropped open in abject horror at the sight of the bodies of his family and friends.
Everyone was there, spread out across the room: Veronica, his other siblings, his parents, his niece and nephew, childhood friends, Hunk, Keith, Pidge, Shiro, Allura, Coran – even Iverson and the MFE pilots lay with their dead eyes boring into his. Their blood was spattered on the walls and pooling on the floor, oozing still from the bullet holes in their foreheads. Lace felt like he was going to faint, throw up, or both.
He forced himself to tear his eyes away, and his gaze landed on Sargent Norton. He was standing in the center of the carnage, holding a gun and grinning triumphantly.
"I won", he said. "You killed them."
"What?" asked Lance. His voice seemed small compared to the spy's. "I didn't – you killed them! You're holding the gun!"
"But you did nothing," said Norton, still grinning and starting to laugh. "You ARE nothing; you failed them! You couldn't save them! It's your fault they died! YOU KILLED THEM!"
Norton shouted the last statement as if it was the punch line to the funniest joke he'd ever heard. His deep-bellied laugh seemed to shake the room. Lance took a step back…
And suddenly, Lance was the one laughing. He laughed so hard that his eyes watered, and his sides started to hurt. He tried to stop but couldn't. He managed to look around and found that he was standing in the place Norton had been a moment ago, holding the same gun and wearing the same bloodstained clothes.
Before he could process this, however, the room seemed to flicker. It then changed into a different scene – one that Lance recognized. The smooth, white walls of the Atlas were replaced by the cinderblock of a warehouse. The only light came from the hall through the open doorway, and Lance could almost – but not quite – hear gunfire in the distance. The bodies around him were no longer those of his friends, but of aliens, and the multicolored blood was spreading toward his feet. He froze with horror as he realized that he was back in the terrorists' headquarters – or at least, he would have frozen if he weren't still laughing.
The room suddenly flickered again, and Lance found himself utterly alone in the void of space.
It was completely silent.
Lance could still feel himself laughing, but the sound of it was non-existent. The grin on his face stretched wider and wider as Lance stared into the inky blackness, searching desperately for someone, anyone to help him. He tried to reach out for Red, but their connection was slippery; he couldn't tap into it.
Lance began to feel dizzy. He wondered if he was losing his mind. As he continued to soundlessly laugh, he ached for his family to comfort him; he prayed for his friends to save him.
"But they can't."
The words came from his own lips, but it was not his voice.
"I killed them."
It was not his voice, but Lance still felt himself say it.
"I did nothing to save them."
Lance reached again for Red; he was getting desperate, and the Lion seemed to like waiting until the last minute.
"I killed them."
This time, Lance felt the faintest thread of a connection; not missing a beat, he threw all he had into it.
"I did nothing to save them!"
The voice was getting louder and seemingly more desperate as Lance felt the connection with his Lion growing stronger. Red's presence began to fill his mind, and Lance felt his surroundings start to fall away. It occurred to him that he must be waking up, and comforted by this realization he began to relax into his bond with Red.
"I KILLED THEM!"
Lance jolted awake with a gasp, sitting up so quickly he almost fell out of bed. The shriek echoed in his mind, along with images of blood, dead friends, aliens, and Sargent Norton. Lance groaned, rubbed his eyes as if that could make it all go away, and fell back onto his pillow with a tired huff. Red rumbled at him through their link, and he told the Lion to stand down; it was just another nightmare.
He'd had them, not all the same but all similar in theme, almost every night since they'd discovered the spy. He'd been hoping they'd go away, but after five sleepless nights he was beginning to fear that he would have to get used to them.
It was frustrating, but it wasn't like he hadn't had consistent nightmares before. There were nights during the war with the Galra when he'd woken up screaming. He'd had dreams in which he had died horribly and had had to spend hours afterwards making sure that he was still breathing. He'd even dreamt about his friends and family dying, usually by the hand of the Galra. But the threat back then had been distant; it had been a faceless robot in his sights, a random alien with purple fur, a battleship that looked cool when it exploded.
Now, the threat not only had a human face but was practically in the next room – and he was forbidden from stopping it. The inability to do anything made the situation that much more terrifying.
The nightmares, stress, and fear were all starting to wear on Lance, both mentally and physically. He knew that he wasn't at his best – as the faint pinch of pain in his still recovering leg reminded him – and that knowledge set him even more on edge. But the worst thing was that he was starting to think the voice from his nightmares was right in more ways than one.
If and when the spy attacked his friends or – God forbid – his family, he feared that he would be too late, too weak to save them. He had no idea how he could protect them from a threat they couldn't see coming. He wished that he could trust Iverson and the garrison to keep them safe, but Lance couldn't shake the feeling that whatever the garrison did, it wouldn't be enough
He just wanted to do something.
Lance sighed and sat up fully on the edge of his bed, knowing that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. He glanced at the clock, wondering how much time he had until training began, and saw that it was 3:02 am.
He had three hours to kill.
He groaned, but it could have been worse. Last night he'd woken up at about midnight; the loss of six hours of sleep had left him exhausted and virtually unable to fly Red. When they'd formed Voltron, he'd nearly fainted. If he had been more awake he probably would have noticed that everyone else was struggling as well, but at the time it was all he could do to focus on his own problems.
He shook his head to clear the memory and his mind; better to focus on the here and now.
As he'd done the past couple of nights after the nightmares, he got out of bed and quietly put on his paladin armor. He then snuck out into the corridor, making his way toward the Lion's hangar. Talking with Blue had helped him when he'd had nightmares in the past, and it turned out that talking with Red had more or less the same effect. The Lions were very good listeners.
As he walked through the silent, white, empty hall of the giant spaceship, Lance couldn't help but look over his shoulder every few feet. He swallowed nervously and tried not to think about the assassin that was lurking somewhere, or the memory of a haunted spaceship, or Galra cruisers with dangers waiting around every corner…
He made sure his bayard was at the ready until he stepped into the Lion's hangar with a sigh of relief.
"And three, two, one…" Lance leaned against Red's paw, counting down the seconds to 5:50 am, the time displayed on the big digital clock on the wall of the hangar. As soon as forty-nine changed to fifty, he pointed to the Lion hangar's entrance. Keith walked in as if on cue, yawing loudly.
"There he is, right on time!"
Keith paused in the doorway and blinked at Lance, no doubt surprised to see that the Red Paladin was early to training for the fifth day in a row – and in a good mood, no less. Lance grinned at him, and the Black Paladin narrowed his eyes in what Lance assumed was annoyance. He yawned again, not even greeting the Red Paladin as he walked into the hangar.
Usually Lance would have brushed off such behavior, as it was par for the course, but today something made him take pause.
Keith seemed… tired.
It wouldn't surprise him honestly, but the Black Paladin tended to hide signs of exhaustion unless it was really bad. The fact that Lance was even able to pick up on it was cause for concern.
He studied his leader as he walked over. Keith was scowling, but that was nothing new. Neither was the stupid mullet matted with sweat, a result of his morning workout. The bags under his eyes, however – those were worrying. Keith didn't get bags, much to Lance's chagrin, unless he'd gone days with little or no sleep…
Keith crossed his arms and stood in front of Lance. "What?"
Lance started, surprised at having been caught staring. "Nothing, just… Hey man, are you okay? Are you, uh, getting enough sleep?"
The direct approach was usually a good bet with Keith, insofar as it produced a telling reaction. And sure enough, Lance did not miss the way Keith tensed up. He was silent for a moment, mulling over his answer, but was saved from having to respond by the arrival of Allura.
"Good morning."
Lance turned to look at her so fast he almost got whiplash, momentarily forgetting about Keith. It had only been two words, but the way Allura spoke… he had only heard that specific tone of voice on days when his mom had run out of coffee after a full day of work followed by a long night shift. Memories of harsh words, flying household objects, and glares that could kill a man at close range flashed through his mind, and he instinctively leaned away from the Blue Paladin. Today was not a day to mess with Allura.
Remembering Keith, Lance looked again at his leader. Mercifully, the Black Paladin also seemed to pick up on Allura's bad mood, though he frowned at the former princess as she joined their little group.
A small awkward and tense silence followed, broken after a few moments by the arrival of Hunk.
"Hey guys," he said, exhaustion obvious in his voice. He yawned and blinked sleepily as he came over. Both Keith and Allura remained silent, grumpily staring into the distance.
"Hey buddy," Lance greeted when no one else did, hoping to diffuse some of the rising tension. "Late night last night?"
Hunk yawned again before absently answering, "Hmm… yeah… something like that."
Lance stifled a sigh; it seemed like everyone tired beyond all reason today.
"I swear to God Keith if this training goes any longer than it is supposed to I will hack your ass so hard you won't be able to send a text message without downloading a virus."
And so the trend continued.
"Training will be over when it's over, Pidge," Keith said shortly as the Green Paladin rubbed her eyes and grumbled under her breath. She had definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.
The was a moment of silence.
"Everyone get to your Lions," Keith commanded, without preamble.
The paladins blinked at the sudden order, but after a second they all dispersed.
Lance let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. As he climbed into Red's cockpit he whispered to his Lion: "I've got a bad feeling about this, bud."
He felt the ship rumble in agreement, and Lance sighed.
"Let's just get this over with."
They didn't form Voltron that day.
That in itself was bad, but the greater problem was that they had ceased to act like a team. It was like they were flying their lions for the first time: there were multiple instances where they almost blasted each other with lasers or elemental beams, the garrison itself was almost hit twice, and everyone – at least once – flew their Lion too close to the ground and almost crashed at some point.
Through it all Keith fought to keep his composure. He snapped a few times, yelling at Allura for freezing Hunk's tail and at Lance for sending a blast a bit too close to the garrison officials observing them, and everyone could hear him muttering "patience yields focus" repeatedly under his breath.
Then Pidge banged Green against a cliff.
"RUGGLE QUIZNACK SON OF A –"
Keith quickly muted her comms.
This did not help the situation. After a few seconds, Pidge launched Green at Black, headbutting the bigger Lion in the side.
Keith unmuted her comms.
"– EITH YOU BETTER PUT ME BACK ON COMMS I SWEAR TO GOD!"
"Your communication capabilities have been restored," Allura said drily. "Regrettably," she added, just loud enough for Pidge to hear her.
"DON'T YOU START WITH ME, PRINCESS!"
"What? Me start something?" she said indignantly. "You're the one who almost plowed an Altean relic into the ground!"
"Guys, can we please not do this? This yelling is giving me a headache."
"Hunk, don't get involved in their hissy fit," warned Lance exasperatedly.
"Hissy fit? That's rich coming from someone who complains when he's interrupted during his two-hour skin routine!"
"Hey, at least I don't look like someone who replaces sunlight with the glow of a computer monitor! Even old, pasty Keith looks better than you!"
"Guys stop insulting each other! Look, someone has to be the better person –"
"Well I'm sorry we're not all as perfect as you, Hunk."
"Leave him alone, Allura!"
"Wow Lance, I didn't think you had the nerve to yell at your crush."
"SHUT IT, PIDGE!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Keith roared. The comms went quiet as everyone fell into an upset silence. The Black Paladin took a deep breath, then said, "I think we'd better cut training short today."
"Words I never thought I'd hear," grumbled Pidge.
"Thank you," said Hunk.
"This is pathetic," spat Allura.
"Oh sure Keith, take control of the situation after it gets out of hand," Lance muttered. "What a brilliant leader. Shiro must be so proud."
A second passed. Then another. The comms had become silent.
Too late, Lance realized what he had said – but rather than feeling remorse, he only became more frustrated with himself and the day he'd been having. He grit his teeth, angry energy overtaking his weariness. Why did he always have to be the screw-up?
"Get. Back. To. The hangar."
Keith spoke the words slowly, deliberately. Underlying them there was a dangerous fire; it was obvious to anyone with ears that he was about two seconds away from losing his temper.
Lance, forgetting his frustration for a moment, was taken aback; surely his jab hadn't hurt Keith's that much. And besides, he didn't really mean it. He was just tired; it wasn't surprising that he and the others were frustrated at messing up left and right.
Stupid Keith.
Then and there, Lance decided that he didn't want to deal with the Black Paladin. Not today.
He huffed, gripped Red's controls, and shot off like a bullet to the Atlas, which was parked in the garrison's hangar.
As soon as he exited his Lion, he began to pace the floor, his frustration building by the minute. He knew he didn't have a good reason to be angry, but he was anyway. His mind was just so muddled from exhaustion and frustration; he couldn't think straight. And so, out of some old instinct, he found himself blaming Keith for his current mood.
Eventually the others landed in the hangar. Hunk, Pidge, and Allura dragged their feet as they stepped out of their respective mechanical beasts, their expressions displaying varying degrees of sullenness. A moment later Black landed with a reverberating thud. Lance paused in his pacing and glared as Keith joined them on the floor of the hanger.
"All right, what the quiznack is going on?" Keith asked. "We are supposed to be a team. If someone has a problem –"
"Oh, cut the schtick, would you?" said Lance. "We're all just tired, tired and cranky – probably because you make us get up at ungodly hours of the morning."
Keith clenched his fists and glared at Lance. "If I remember right, you were here before me. You have been, all this week. And I don't hear anyone else complaining about the hours."
He turned his glower on the other paladins. Hunk immediately looked at the floor. Allura simply pressed her lips into a tight, thin line. Pidge, however…
"Well, would it kill you to start training a little later?"
Keith worked his jaw, then closed his eyes, breathing slowly in through the nose and out through the mouth.
"We have to stay sharp," he said slowly. "I don't have to remind you what we're up against."
"Yeah, you really don't."
Keith grit his teeth. "Lance…"
"What are we even doing here, Keith? What is the point of training to save the universe when we've got bigger problems here on Earth? We have an assassin after us for quiznack's sake!"
"Keep your voice down!" Keith hissed.
"Oh come on, since when do you care? You've never even liked the garrison and now you're, what, telling us to roll over and listen to them? You want us to let them solve all our problems? Yeah, like that's gonna happen!"
"We just need to have patience –"
"Screw that! Screw your and Shiro's whole "patience yields focus" mantra-"
"Leave Shiro out of this!" Keith interrupted hotly, finally snapping and taking a step toward the Red Paladin.
"Whatever! My point is we need to do something!" Lance yelled.
"And what do you suggest?!" Keith barked back. "That we stop training? That we sit around, waiting to be killed instead of making ourselves better so that we might actually have a shot at protecting ourselves? Of protecting the people we care about? Or maybe you think we should go after the spy, guns blazing!"
"Well yeah, maybe we should!"
Keith's expression turned furious. "What? No – Do you have any idea – We would make ourselves an enemy of the garrison! We'd be turning our backs on people who helped us!"
"Yeah, for their own gain! I don't care about –"
"Yeah, you don't care!" Keith snapped. His outburst echoed through the cavernous hanger like thunder. "You don't care about training or being at your best for your team! You don't care about our safety! You don't think about consequences; sometimes I'm not sure you even think at all! You care more about yourself than anything! You don't care!"
The hanger was dead silent for a moment.
"I don't care?" Lance's voice was low with rage.
On the sidelines, the other paladins had until this point been watching the argument with growing concern as their two friends grew increasingly heated. Now, Pidge and Allura looked at the Red Paladin, surprised by the change in his tone. However, Hunk's eyes widened in dread as he realized exactly how pissed off his friend was.
"I don't care?" Lance said again. "I care more that you will ever quiznacking know! You – all of you – are my family! I would do anything to protect you; I would quiznacking die for you! I did!" he paused, taking a step toward Keith. "And I don't care?"
Though he didn't back down, the anger drained from Keith's face, only to be replaced instantly with regret. "That's not what I meant," he said.
"Then what did you mean, Keith?" asked Lance. "That I don't care about your stupid training? That I should try harder? What, am I offending you because I'm dead on my feet at six am every day? That I can't shoot straight when I've lost a whole night's sleep? Well sorry if my exhaustion impairs my reflexes! Sorry if my quiznacking nightmares are making it hard to stay awake enough to fly my Lion!"
There was silence as the two boys stared each other down. Lance was breathing hard and his face was red; he looked like he might have been on the verge of tears. Keith, meanwhile, had his jaw set and his arms crossed. In his eyes was regret for what he'd said, but it was mixed with defiance; he didn't want to back down. Lance saw this and turned away with a scoff.
"I'm done."
"Lance-"
"Nope, I'm done. I'm going to take a nap. God knows I need one." He began moving toward the exit. "Hope Norton doesn't kill me or anyone else in the meantime. If only someone cared enough to do something about that." He waved without looking back as he walked toward the hangar door, leaving the rest of the paladins standing in front of their lions in various stages of shock and confusion.
"Well," said Hunk when the silence had stretched just a tick past awkward, "that could have gone better."
Lance tore his paladin armor off as soon as he got back to his room, breathing heavily. He practically fell onto his bed and laid on his back, pressing his hands against his eyes. He couldn't even begin to process the thoughts and emotions that were running at lightspeed through his head; all he knew was that he was angry and scared and… and…
Quiznack, he was just so tired.
He took a deep breath, feeling sleep beginning to overtake him even as he did so. Not even a lingering fear of nightmares could stop him from drifting off into unconsciousness, but before he did he had one coherent thought that he remembered even when he awoke hours later:
This has to stop.
It was eight o'clock in the evening when Lance emerged from his room, wearing his casual clothes with his bayard tucked in the waistband of his jeans and blinking sleep out of his eyes. He yawned as he walked through the corridors of the Atlas, his feet carrying him toward the dining hall along a route he had been sure to memorize. As he walked, he kept his eyes peeled – but for once, he wasn't looking for Sargent Norton. Instead, he was watching out for his fellow paladins.
Lance still hadn't fully recovered from his emotional outburst earlier. The nap – nightmare free, thank God – had certainly helped to clear his mind, but his heart wasn't quite ready to face his teammates yet – especially Keith. He knew that they both had some apologizing to do, but… he needed some more time to cool down. Lance was hoping that some food and an evening to himself would help with that.
Some minutes later, he reached the dining hall and without incident got his…
Breakfast? Dinner?
…Brinner?
Brinner of mac n cheese, a slice of bread, and green beans. He sat down at an empty table and looked around.
At this hour, the dining hall was pretty quiet. A few people were scattered around the room, all engrossed in either their food or their communicators. The atmosphere was relaxing, the relative silence comforting.
After a minute, Lance decided that it was also a bit boring.
Taking a bite of the garrison's mac n cheese – which wasn't as good as Hunk's, just for the record – Lance pulled out his phone, intending to play one of the games he had downloaded.
And that was when he saw the text messages.
"What the quiznack," he whispered to himself as he saw three texts from Allura, seven from Keith, eleven from Hunk, and twenty-one from Pidge.
That was a lot.
If he was being honest, part of him didn't want to deal with it. After all, if it was really important, someone would have come to get him, right?
He sighed. He knew he couldn't take that risk – not with the threats they were facing.
So much for relaxing,he thought as he opened Keith's messages.
Mullet: Lance.
Mullet: Lance you need to answer your phone.
Mullet: Lance we need to talk.
Mullet: Quiznack did you actually take a nap?
Mullet: Holy quiznack you did, didn't you
Mullet: Why am I even surprised
Mullet: Whatever, we still need to talk. Contact me when you get this.
Lance stared at the screen. He had trouble sensing Keith's exact tone through the texts, but it definitely wasn't a happy one. It seemed that they both needed some more time to cool down.
"Ghosting it is," Lance decided quietly as he moved on to Pidge.
Little Einstein: Hey lance, I know you're sleeping but we really need to talk to you
Little Einstein: Quiznack, if you're sleeping it's gonna be hours before you even see this isn't it
Little Einstein: What if I spam your phone?
Little Einstein: I could just…
Little Einstein: send
Little Einstein: texts
Little Einstein: until
Little Einstein: your
Little Einstein: text
Little Einstein: tone
Little Einstein: wakes
Little Einstein: you
Little Einstein: up
Little Einstein: …is it working?
Little Einstein: Ok well get ready for an airhorn blasgjoegneg
Little Einstein: Hunk says no and to stop spamming you so I guess you survive
Little Einstein: …for now
Little Einstein: look we just want to talk so text Hunk or someone when you get this
Little Einstein: maybe text Keith
Little Einstein: he's looking more stressed than usual, if that's even possible
Little Einstein: anyway later
Well, at least Pidge is in a better mood, Lance thought. He grinned as he pictured her with a maniacal gleam in her eye that turned to surprise and then indignance as Hunk snatched the phone out of her hands. The thought of Hunk made Lance eager to see his texts, but he decided to see what Allura had to say first.
Pincess: Lance, I understand that you are upset, but we are all anxious to talk to you.
Pincess: Please do not isolate yourself; it will do more harm than good.
Pincess: Hunk has informed me that you are most likely sleeping. I apologize, but please do let us know when you awake and ready to talk.
Both polite and demanding, as usual, thought Lance. If he read between the lines, he could sense the Altean's concern, but for some reason Allura was maintaining a carful distance. Lance sighed and quickly went on to Hunk.
Sunshine Incarnate: Hey buddy
Sunshine Incarnate: I just wanted to let you know that no matter what the others say, you don't have to talk until you're ready
Sunshine Incarnate: I told them that you were sleeping btw so hopefully you don't get spammed too much
Sunshine Incarnate: Sorry about Pidge
Sunshine Incarnate: At least there was no air horn?
Sunshine Incarnate: Anyway I'm here for you, whatever you need
Sunshine Incarnate: btw I think I should tell you that Keith isn't mad at you
Sunshine Incarnate: If anything he's mad at himself
Sunshine Incarnate: He said he's gonna call a team meeting as soon as he hears from you, so…
Sunshine Incarnate: Be prepared for that, I guess, if you decide to text him first
Sunshine Incarnate: I'm here for you
Lance blinked back tears that suddenly threatened to spill from his eyes. Of course Hunk understood; he always understood.
Lance took a deep breath, steadying himself. He knew what he needed to do. He hesitated for a fraction of a second, then sent a reply back to the Yellow Paladin.
Blue Falcon: I'm in the dining hall
Blue Falcon: the mac n cheese is just as bad as before we left, btw
He didn't have to wait long for a reply.
Sunshine Incarnate: I'm on my way
Sunshine Incarnate: both to talk to you and to shame the kitchen
Lance laughed.
OH HEY LOOK, AN UPDATE!
God bless all of you who have stuck with the story for this long. I promise I'm not abandoning it; I've just been busy. Finals this year were Rough with a capital R, and now I have a summer job that basically has me working twelve hours straight. So yeah, guess my upload schedule crashed and burned before it even took off!
Whoops : )
So a few things about this chapter:
First, I had writer's block for a lot of this and that delayed the chapter's release even further. I had writer's block because conversations that involve five different people are hard, and also I was also really eager to get to some more plot but pacing is a thing and trust me rushing things did not help anything at all.
Second, I would actually really like some constructive feedback on this chapter. I'm satisfied with how it turned out, but I feel like it's different from the rest of the fic because it didn't focus as much on plot. Please give me your thoughts, provided they are appropriate and constructive.
Third, I snuck in some major foreshadowing but I'm not gonna tell you what it is. *insert cackling*
Thanks again for reading. Have an amazing day!
~Nellie
