12A/N: Hi there! I'm Lumi, your new cartoon friend. Now, I haven't ever, ever, ever written for Attack on Titan before. This is my first ever. And I'm kind of happy with it. It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'll make you question your reality. But for the most part, I had an idea to do this as a cosplay crack, but unfortunately, I can't get the bodies. So! We're going to do a thingy thing here and make it into a fic instead. If anyone wants to do a thing and make this a cosplay crack where I failed to, you're more than welcome. At least tweet me the video, so I can get a cheap laugh out of it. Now, it's going to be you and me every Thursday for the next…I don't know. However long I decide to make this. It could be a couple weeks. It could be the next few months. But it's going to be every Thursday because why not? I had an empty spot in my week. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy, my new friends. Kisses!
EDIT: Oops! This was the one that was supposed to go up yesterday...To all of you expecting Attack on Titan and got a mouthful of Supernatural instead, I'm sorry. Lumi did an oopsie. Here. Try this one.
Why can't I come by a good test subject these days? Eren bit me last time and the last thing I wanted was him turning titan on me. Or maybe that wouldn't be a half bad idea. No. The MPs got mad at me the last time I poked at Eren and got him to turn titan for me. That was not a fun mess to clean up. I wonder if I could sneak into Erwin's office. I don't see why not. He has files on everyone in the Survey Corps. I'm sure those include physicals. In that filing cabinet would be a test subject for Mama Hanji to play with. I'm sure of it. I can smell it.
Huh. Looks like Erwin's not home. And even better, his office is unguarded. And unlocked. It's too bad. I brought my lock pick for nothing. Oh well. If Erwin left his office unlocked, I don't have much time. He could be back any minute. I had to be quick and sneaky. Once I heard footsteps, I knew it was time to go. At random, I pulled a file out of the top drawer and booked it to the lab. If Erwin would've caught me, he would've killed me. Or hit me on the nose with a newspaper. Either or. Now, which one is going to be my new lucky guinea pig?
Oh...
Oh, yes...
This is perfect.
I did grab out of the top drawer. So nicely labeled with the letters A-C.
Ackerman, Levi. Age: 34. Height: Six feet, two inches. Who are you trying to bullshit, Captain? Who did you pay off? If you clear five feet in heels on a good day, you're in the clear. Let's keep going. Weight: 65 kilograms. Ok. That's understandable. Status: Healthy. Yes. You will do quite well, Levi. Now...How do I get you here? There's no way you'd come so willingly. If I tell him my lab's a mess, he'll just yell at me. How do I catch a Levi...? I think I got it.
"Psst..." I stuck my head out the lab door, catching my favorite little cadet passing by, "Eren..."
"No, Hanji!" Eren jumped out of reflex, "No more tests!"
"No, no, no," I calmed him down, "It's ok. I'm not putting you through anymore tests, Eren. You're fine. It's ok."
"Oh," he breathed a heavy sigh of relief, "In that case, hi, Hanji. What do you want?"
"I need you to get Levi for me," I told him, "But don't tell him I want him. Just get him to my lab."
"What do you want Captain Levi for?" Eren looked at me weird. I don't understand. Why do people think I'm nuts?
"Just for a drink." Eren's great, but the kid's got loose lips. I just hope he can keep me out of it.
"Ok," he was still a bit skeptical, but to be fair, I have put him through the wringer for the sake of science. I get it.
"If you do this for me," I bargained, "I'll make you cookies."
"And let me watch?" Eren stipulated, "Last time you made me cookies, you drugged them."
"Drugged is a harsh word."
"Hanji, I shifted in the middle of a scouting mission! And ended up with a rash from Hell!"
So, what did we learn from that?"
"Not to trust your baking!" Eren squealed.
"No," I corrected him, "We learned you're allergic to cinnamon. Hence the rash. And because of your allergic reaction, your body freaked. That's why you went titan. But what I was trying to figure out was if you could maintain your lucidity while you were a titan. Did you?"
"Well..." he settled down, "Yeah. But is there a way of finding that out without drugging me?"
"Again, your words, not mine," I pointed out, "Anyway! Just get Levi for me."
"How?" Oh, Eren...It's a good thing you're cute with a lot of heart.
"Just ask him to meet up for a drink and all the booze is in the lab," I shoved him out the door, "Good luck, kiddo! Make me proud!"
He should be ok...right? Levi won't be too hard on him...right?
Wait...Did I just throw Eren to the biggest baddest wolf in the garrison? Oh, well. As long as I get my test subject and Eren survives, it'll be fine. I hope. If not and I don't get Levi, this little experiment could work with Armin, too. But I'm pretty sure he's afraid of me. Such a shame. Come on, Jaeger. Come through for me. I guess while I'm waiting for Levi, I could do a little mixing.
Theoretically, if I've done the math right (which, let's face it...My math is always right.), this serum should be able to genetically modify the cells in Levi's body and allow him to put on muscle mass like nobody's business. In a way, it'll operate like a sort of super steroid and he'll be all good and beefy in the matter of a couple days. That is, if this works. When it works. Come on, Hanji. Keep that confidence up. It'll work.
The inner wall would love something like this and my work will finally get the respect it deserves. Not to mention, it couldn't hurt to have resident titan killing machine and overall badass Levi Ackerman juiced on overpowered steroids. And...Well...Mikasa scares me a little. Now, what do we have in Mama Hanji's spice cabinet to play with?
A dash of protein. A few drops of folic acid...A few more drops of folic acid for cell reproduction. A little bit of fish oil, so Levi's heart doesn't give out from this. A heavy helping of iron. A few little extra bits that I've made myself. Bring to a boil, then drop the heat. Leave it on to simmer for ten minutes. Then, flash freeze is...There! That should do it! Now, I'll just slip a couple cubes in Levi's drink. He'll be none the wiser. This might actually work. What am I saying? Of course it will...I hope. Fingers crossed.
Later in the evening, things started to wind down around here. All the little cadets tucked into their beds. All the higher ups in their cozier, less itchy beds. Hopefully, all except one higher up in particular. Hopefully, said higher up is still out of bed. And he's on his way to my lab. A girl can hope, can't she? Come on, Eren. Come through for me. I'm waiting, Levi.
"Eren?" Bingo. I owe someone a batch of cookies.
"Try again, Captain." Levi drinks vodka, doesn't he? I'm pretty sure he does.
"Dammit, Jaeger..." he grumbled, "What are you doing here, Hanji? I'm supposed to be meeting-"
"Eren for drinks," I finished his sentence for him, "I know. I asked him to bring you here."
"Again, I say," Levi pulled up a chair, "What are you doing here, Hanji?"
"It's my lab," I reminded him, "You want a drink anyway? I think it's past Eren's bedtime."
"What the hell?" he let out a heavy sigh, "You have all the booze anyway."
Good boy, Eren. There is definitely a batch of cookies coming your way. And you can be my big helper, "What are we drinking?"
"Vodka rocks," Levi ordered, watching me very carefully while I mixed his drink with the super cubes fresh from the freezer. Carefully, he studied every aspect of it. The fresh bottle of vodka, the glass, any mixers I might have put in it (I knew better. Levi drank his vodka straight these days.). I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from smiling. And now, we wait. Go on, Levi. Drink every last drop. I know you will...Unfortunately, I won't be able to see results quite yet, but in theory, it'll be approximately tomorrow morning.
"So?" I grinned, watching for any change in Levi at all. Nothing. His emotionless face stayed frozen as he finished his drink, "How was your day?"
"Hanji..." he shut his eyes for a moment, "If I could kill the bottle and go to bed in silence, that'd be fantastic."
"Whatever you say, Levi." I shut my mouth. Anything to be able to keep an eye on him. I almost wanted to watch him while he slept, but apparently, that's frowned upon.
"And if you could stop staring at me with that creepy fucking grin on your face, that'd be even better."
"Sorry..." I wanted to watch...But whatever keeps him here for the time being. I started pouring myself a drink, too. I earned it, "Why you so bitter, Captain?"
"Are you serious?" Levi glared at me, "Can you blame me?"
"Do you need to talk about it, champ?" I offered a shoulder to cry on. However, I don't know if Levi's capable of crying. I've never seen it myself.
"Hanji..."
I should've known, "Ok. I'll be quiet."
"Thank you," Levi sat back and had his drink, finishing off the bottle, "Hanji..."
"Yes, Captain?"
"You have washed your beakers today, right?"
"Of course," I assured, "I don't want anything to ruin future experiments. Come on, Levi. Any self-respecting scientist makes sure there's some sort of cleanliness in their lab."
"Except for you."
"I did not ask you to come here and call me out!" I squeaked.
"Why did you ask me here?" Levi wondered, "You never ask me to your lab unless you want something."
"Technically, I didn't ask you. Eren did."
"You used Eren to get me here," he corrected himself, "Why?"
"Because," I tried to think of a good reason, but to no avail, "Sometimes, I like the occasional company. Is that so bad?"
"When I'm your only option," Levi emptied the bottle down his throat, "Yes. Now, I'll be leaving you. Good night, Hanji."
"Good night." It's too bad I won't be able to watch Levi become big and beefy, but hopefully, things will work out. If not, then it'll be back to the drawing board.
A/N: So? Not bad for my first time out, huh? Next week, we see results. Also, I do have a few headcanons that come to life in this story. And I love them all. I can't wait for you to see the rest of the shenanigans that ensue around the Survey Corps. Will Erwin ever find out that Hanji was in his office? Will Eren ever get his cookies? We may never know. We may find out next week. I'll see you next chapter. xx
