23A/N: Here we are at the end. This is kind of a longish chapter compared to the others but I couldn't find a natural split in the middle I was happy with and since this is the last chapter anyway, here we are. ***
Ellie couldn't sleep. She'd tossed and turned in bed for hours, it was practically 3am, but her mind was going a mile a minute thinking about Sarah and the kiss. She hadn't seen it coming; the kiss itself and how that kind of contact with Sarah could still blow her away. She cursed herself for not having a plan in place for this. She was a fool to think they were gone forever. Sarah's memories or my feelings? Ellie sat up in bed, wondering how she didn't realize this sooner. She still loved Sarah but now her love was built on a close friendship. It had been survival mode after Chuck died, but eventually they got to really know each other. The glimpses she'd had before were nothing compared to their friendship now and it wasn't one-sided either. Although the relationship with Laura hadn't lasted long, it still hurt Ellie when Laura broke things off. Without asking, Sarah arranged for the girls to sleep over at Ellie's mom's house, and Sarah came over to listen and laugh into the wee hours. After that, Sarah would frequently think of things to do together, like outings for them and the girls, trying out new restaurants, or sending random just-because texts. It never felt forced or out of obligation. And Ellie had been in denial about how she felt about it all this time. That kiss today, it was like a light switched on. Her love was there, stronger and more solid than it had ever been. If Sarah's feelings turned out to not be real, the heartbreak would be unbearable. Ellie thought again about what Devon had said. If he was right and Sarah's feelings started before this… She heard a dog barking in front of her house. It was probably Mrs. Martin on her nightly walk with Callie. Ellie went to the window, pulling back the curtain. She saw Sarah's car parked across the street and Sarah sitting in the driver's seat, looking up at her. Ellie's pulse quickened and without thinking she pressed her right hand against the window.
Sarah didn't really know what to expect when she drove over to Ellie's house. Chasing after someone was not something she was used to. Not in a romantic sense, anyway. Her past difficulty with facing her emotions meant she was usually on the receiving end of those attentions. But this time was different. There was the Sarah before Chuck, the one who would run from this, and the Sarah after Chuck, the one who'd experienced how much fuller life can be with love in it. When she rushed through getting dressed and driving here, she was comfortable. It was decisive, active over passive. And how many times had Chuck talked about how Bartowskis go big when it came to this sort of thing? But the reality was not as romantic as she'd envisioned. Was waking Ellie up to talk at 3am really a good idea? Looking around the quiet street with the well-manicured lawns and family cars in the driveways, she felt like an outsider, a disruption. Memories of late-night stakeouts briefly came to her. Sarah didn't do that anymore, aside from training employees for her work as a security consultant. She looked at Ellie's house and thought of Ellie sleeping inside. What would Ellie think if she knew Sarah was parked on her street, watching the house like some lovesick teenager? This was a mistake, she thought, and moved to start the car's engine. She was startled by one of Ellie's neighbors walking her dog, which barked at her. The woman smiled at her as she walked by along the sidewalk, recognizing her. Sarah smiled reassuringly and was back to starting the car when out of the corner of her eye she saw movement in Ellie's bedroom window. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Ellie look down at her.
With her hand on the windowpane, Ellie felt paralyzed. Even with the distance between them she could see that Sarah was breathing heavily, eyes locked on hers, waiting. Wanting. There was no conflict now between them, no romantic entanglements holding them back. Desire surged through her body but she was unsure. She tried to tell herself whatever Sarah was feeling was temporary but the passion she was feeling right now began to hope otherwise. Can this be real? She stared back down at Sarah, searching for the courage to take the next step.
Taking several slow breaths, Sarah tried to calm her arousal. Seeing Ellie in a lavender tank top with obvious lust in her eyes wasn't helping. Does her neck taste the same? She came to talk, to convince Ellie her feelings were real, and now that she saw how Ellie was looking at her, she knew today's kiss wasn't a fluke. The spark between them was palpable. Ellie feels something. But Ellie wasn't calling her in so Ellie still had doubts. Then she saw Ellie step away from the window, letting the curtain fall. Sarah waited for a couple of minutes then five minutes more but there was nothing. Another rejection? I'll talk to her on Sunday, Sarah thought to herself dejectedly. She started the car but left it in park, staring again at Ellie's window, debating whether to go knock on her door anyway. Then she heard the text alert on her phone. She took out her phone and read the message: Come inside.
Sarah smiled and felt the warmth inside her heart grow. She turned off the engine, grabbed her bag, and got out of the car. She forced herself to calmly walk across the street and up the walkway to Ellie's front door. Using the spare key she kept on her key ring to unlock the door, Sarah was nervous as she opened and closed the door behind her. She didn't see Ellie so she put her bag down and took off her sweater. Walking through the entryway and moving toward the stairs, Sarah looked up, her heart pounding. Ellie stood at the top, tying the knot on her robe. Ellie looked uncertain but then started down the steps. Sarah began walking up but Ellie stopped.
"Sarah…" Ellie licked her lips. "We should talk." Ellie walked down the steps until she was just a couple of steps above Sarah.
Sarah heard the inflection on the word 'talk'. Ellie was going to say 'talk first' and the thought of what would come second made Sarah want to take Ellie right there on the stairway. Sarah gripped the bannister with her left hand, trying not to glance up towards Ellie's bedroom but just thinking about the bedroom made her do it anyway. She forced herself to look down. "I know. That's why I came."
"At 3am?" Despite her nervousness, Ellie couldn't resist teasing Sarah.
"I couldn't sleep," Sarah offered in a weak excuse. "I needed to talk to you." The arched eyebrow on Ellie's face embarrassed Sarah.
"At 3am," Ellie repeated, openly smiling now, stepping down to where she was on the same step as Sarah, her back against the wall, seeming to dare Sarah to do just what she had been thinking about doing. "I see you finally decided to use the spare key I keep telling you to use instead of waiting at the door like a stranger. How long were you parked out there?"
"Not long. What were you doing after you left the window? That's a long time to type 'come inside'." Sarah still felt affected by Ellie's nearness but wanted to let Ellie know that teasing goes both ways.
Ellie laughed lightly. "Oh, you know how it is when a beautiful woman comes to your house in the middle of the night, just the usual freak out." Running up and down the stairs, typing and erasing various text messages, debating throwing on actual clothes… is my hair okay? How can she look this good at 3 in the morning? Ellie's mind was rambling and she pressed her hands against the wall to center herself.
Sarah noted the physical signs of Ellie's desire bubbling underneath her smile but she also seemed wary. There was an opening here for Sarah to use their physical connection to convince Ellie they could be together, the way she'd gotten Ellie to respond by kissing her earlier, but Sarah didn't want them to start off this way. They really did need to talk.
"I'm sorry for coming over so late. I could come back later if you prefer?"
"I was awake anyway," admitted Ellie. "Let's go to the kitchen, I'll make tea."
They didn't exchange a word as Ellie heated the water and set the mugs out with the tea bags. The time was filled with nervous glances and tentative smiles. Sarah looked around, at this house Ellie and Devon had moved into after coming back from Chicago, the house Ellie stayed in because Clara had needed some kind of stability. Ellie had not only gone through a divorce but also endured losing her brother and came out strong and independent on the other side. The recently remembered past made Sarah confront her feelings and desires but she realized her expectations had been unrealistic. In fact, she'd been incredibly selfish and not just these last weeks. Her actions back in the day had left Ellie to do the heavy lifting in stopping them from plunging into a disastrous affair. Ellie had put her brother's and Sarah's needs above her own. And now that Sarah wanted something more, she had expected Ellie to be willing after more than a decade of change and growth. Perhaps the better thing to do tonight would be to tell Ellie that she would work harder at preserving their friendship instead of push for a romance Ellie didn't want.
After the water was ready, they took their mugs to the couch in the family area that shared the large space with the kitchen. They set their mugs on the coffee table to steep. Sarah was about to speak but Ellie started first.
"Sarah, I think you can put away the 'noble sacrifice' hat."
Sarah was stunned but then laughed. Of course Ellie had seen right through her.
"So you're the only one who gets to have points in the noble sacrifice charts, huh? Hardly fair," Sarah joked. "All right. So what happens now?"
Ellie stared at her tea mug and thought carefully. "While I appreciate the gesture, I've come around to the idea that we shouldn't brush this under the rug and pretend it's not happening. I'm ready to listen, like I should've done when I made that surprise visit to your house, instead of saying the things I said which hurt you."
"No, you told the truth. I was careless with you back then, and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for the way I've been behaving lately," Sarah said, feeling ashamed. Instead of displaying acceptance and maturity at Ellie's rejection, she ran.
Ellie reached for her mug took a sip of her tea. "Well, what I said was only partly true," she said, thinking about the lie she told about not feeling anything.
"The kiss," Sarah said gently.
"Yeah…" Ellie replied, bringing her tea up in front of her mouth to feel the heat of the mug and distract her from looking at Sarah's lips. "I had a conversation with Devon today after you left. He said some things that made me realize I was closing myself off to… what you were trying to share with me."
"Wait, you told Devon?! How did he take it? Are you okay?"
"He was Captain Awesome," Ellie answered with a smile, using the nickname she hadn't been able to use since Chuck passed. "It turns out he had suspicions about us from way back; not from anything you did, but from the way I'd acted around you. He also pointed out to me how he'd noticed the way you'd been looking at me this past year." At this point Ellie studied Sarah's face, noticing her shock mixed with relief.
Looking down, Ellie continued, "Is that true, what he said about you?"
Sarah felt a blush and nodded. "We'd been spending so much time together, growing so close, it… just happened," Sarah replied. She made a mental note to thank Devon for helping Ellie rather than punishing her.
Until this moment, Ellie had been able to hold it together. But here it was, Sarah again revealing how she felt. And she was afraid; afraid of opening this door and finding out they wouldn't be able to step through together.
"Sarah, are you sure about this? Because I don't know if I am, I don't know if this is a good idea at all."
Sarah's heart leapt. Ellie's words implied that a rejection wasn't a foregone conclusion. Sarah looked at her hands, trying to figure out how to start, how to explain.
"I know you feel something, Sarah. Our problem has never been with physical attraction. But after all this time… I mean, don't you like our friendship the way it is? We were never close like this before. Isn't it enough?"
Sarah settled back against the couch, honestly considering the question. Their friendship meant so much to her. But they could be more. She wanted more. And although Ellie sounded as if she wanted Sarah to settle for what they already had, she could see Ellie wanted more, too.
"Don't you want love, Ellie?"
"Is that what this is?" Ellie stood up and walked toward the window and looked out into the dark backyard, remembering how hard it had been for her, of loving Sarah so fiercely and not being loved in return. "I've gotten so many things wrong, Sarah. I'm scared of getting this wrong, too."
Ellie looked back at Sarah, heart pounding. "I never did anything with the intention of this happening, you know that, right? Not when I divorced, not after Chuck died. I wasn't sitting around waiting. As far as I was concerned, it was over. And now… obviously I'm feeling it. It's just so confusing. What you're feeling right now confuses me. I thought I got over you and now I discover…"
"You love me," Sarah said breathlessly. She stood up and went over to Ellie, taking her hands. Sarah wanted to kiss Ellie in this moment but she held back, afraid to push too quickly.
Ellie felt the tears come and pulled her hands away from Sarah.
"Sarah, you don't know how hard those first years were. But I eventually found peace. Our friendship, it means everything to me now. And then when you kissed me today, it was like all the years and walls I'd put up fell away; it was amazing and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. But things are different now. I have to think about Clara. I can't let myself jump into something that could end within weeks, potentially ruining two friendships. How can I trust this?"
"I know you're afraid, but…"
"Aren't you? What if these feelings aren't real? What if we're just letting nostalgia affect us? We jump into bed and you get this out of your system and where does that leave me?" Ellie felt frantic, barely holding on by a thread. What if I lose you?
"Look, you were right, I did use you before. But it's not the memories that are making me feel this way. After he died, I wanted to die, too. Those first six months were a black hole and you pulled me out of it. We pulled each other out." Sarah reached out for Ellie's hands again and this time Ellie squeezed tightly.
"Somewhere along the way my feelings for you changed but I didn't know how to act on it. I felt weird and guilty over Chuck's memory… having feelings for his sister. I missed him and I didn't know if I was ready to move on. It also didn't seem possible that you could ever feel the same way about me and I tried to get over it but I couldn't stop thinking about you. Don't you see, Ellie? I started feeling this way on my own, without knowing about before. The only thing these memories have made me feel is brave, brave enough to admit to you how I feel."
Ellie pressed her forehead against Sarah's and whispered, "For you, this feels new. But for me, it's never left me. What if it's just too much water under the bridge? I feel so much guilt, Sarah. After everything I've done to hurt Devon and Chuck, I don't deserve this. I'm taking advantage. This wouldn't be happening if he were here."
Sarah pulled her into a hug. She understood what Ellie was trying to say. Ellie's feelings for Sarah have been associated with guilt and shame for all these years and she might never be able to separate them. Sarah didn't have an easy answer for this. But she did know that dwelling on the hypothetical situation of where they would be if Chuck were still alive would not be healthy for either of them. Ellie had to let the 'what if' go, just as she learned to do.
"I will always love him. I know you know that. And I'm not an expert on how widows move on to other romantic relationships or how their new partners handle it but those relationships happen, right? I can't promise being together will be easy but we just have to keep talking and be honest with each other."
Sarah pulled out of the hug to look at Ellie. She could see how badly Ellie wanted to give in. Tears were falling down Ellie's cheek and Sarah brushed them away, feeling her own tears fall.
"I know I hurt you, Ellie. We both know what happened before was a mistake and that we'd probably make different choices if we could go back. But we can't let those regrets and that past stop us from moving forward now, from recognizing what's grown between us over the last year. I know you feel it, too." Sarah put a hand on Ellie's cheek and waited for Ellie to look her in the eyes. When she did, Sarah was overcome with emotion.
"I never thought I could feel like this again, Ellie. I've fallen in love with you. I have. You're smart, funny, you're so many wonderful things, and when I'm with you I don't want to be anywhere else."
"I'm just so scared." Ellie barely got those words out in a whisper. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was everything she wanted and was too good to be true. She loves me?
"I am, too. But we could be happy. And you do deserve happiness, Ellie. Please. Please let me love you." This time Sarah couldn't resist pressing a light kiss on Ellie's cheek, her hands moving onto Ellie's shoulders, and then Sarah pulled back to look at Ellie, eyes begging her to give them a chance.
Ellie looked into Sarah's eyes and raised a hand to brush back a bit of Sarah's hair, amazed at Sarah's words and the longing on her face. This was real. Sarah wanted to be with her. And Ellie wanted to be with Sarah. She leaned in and felt Sarah's lips, soft and tender against hers.
They tasted each other's tears, kissing and touching and laughing, sometimes just hugging each other tightly. It was joyful and sad, reunion mixed with discovery. After a while, Sarah was ready for more but she could feel Ellie's hesitance at escalating. She grabbed one of Ellie's hands and pressed it against her breast; still over her shirt but Ellie got the message. Their kisses deepened until they were moving on instinct, both so hungry for each other. Ellie walked Sarah backwards towards the couch, somehow avoiding the coffee table, and Sarah fell into a sitting position with Ellie straddling her. Sarah undid the knot on Ellie's robe and pushed it off her, kissing and biting Ellie's neck and pushing aside her tank top straps. The same, she tastes the same. Sarah suppressed her nervousness, it had been a while for her, but she wanted this.
"Sarah..." Ellie gasped as she felt Sarah bite her shoulder. She'd forgotten how much that move affected her and she was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Sarah remembered what she liked, Sarah loved her, and Sarah wanted Ellie's love. Unable to stop herself, she began crying again.
Sarah pulled back, looking concerned. "Did I do something wrong?" Did she change her mind?
"No, I just… Can we… take this slow?" Ellie asked, staring into Sarah's darkened eyes. "I just need time to ease into this."
Ellie wiped her eyes and bit her lip nervously, waiting for Sarah's answer. Sarah kissed her lips softly then gave her a hug.
"We can wait for as long as you want," Sarah said with an encouraging smile and Ellie moved off Sarah to sit next to her. If waiting proved she was serious then that's what Sarah would do.
"Thank you," Ellie said, relieved. She picked up her robe and they both stood up, Ellie putting her arms in the robe's sleeves.
"Can I tell you something I've never told you?" Sarah grabbed the ties on Ellie's robe and tied the knot. "You are an amazing lover. It'll be worth the wait."
Sarah liked seeing Ellie's embarrassed blush. She could also tell the compliment flattered her.
"So, is tonight too soon to start?"
"What? Now?" Ellie was confused. Didn't they just agree to wait? Then she could see the smile in Sarah's eyes and she chuckled. It was going to take her a while to get used to the flirting.
"Well, it's technically Saturday morning right now… are you free tonight for dinner? A first date? The girls will still be camping and it'd be a shame as working moms to not take advantage of alone time. Dinner at my place?"
"I think dinner sounds great," Ellie answered warmly. She looked down at their mugs of tea. "Did you still want your tea?"
"No, I think I should go. Have a hot date tonight." Sarah winked at Ellie. For the first time in weeks, Sarah felt hopeful and confident. She didn't know if they would make it work or for how long but Ellie was willing to try and that was enough for now.
"What about the girls? How do you think they'll take it?" asked Ellie.
"Clara knows you date, she'll probably adjust quickly and she'll help Lisa get there. Lisa… well, she'll have a hard time since I haven't been with anyone since Chuck and you're her aunt… so yeah, she'll think it's weird at first. We'll help her understand." Sarah knew she was probably being a little overly optimistic about Lisa's reaction. One bridge at a time, she thought.
Sarah followed Ellie to the front door, grabbing her purse and sweater.
"I'll see you later," Ellie said, reaching for the door handle.
Sarah turned to Ellie and smiled. "Yeah," she replied. She leaned forward to kiss Ellie and was happy Ellie didn't pull away. The kiss was slow, sensual, and she felt the flame of desire reignite. Sarah broke the kiss first but kept their faces close.
"I don't want tonight to end," whispered Ellie, "I still can't believe this is happening."
"I know. Me neither," said Sarah, closing her eyes, feeling the pull to Ellie, this time enjoying its grasp. In her mind's eye she saw how incredible making love with Ellie was going to be.
"I said I would wait and I will," Sarah whispered, "But I want you to know that when this happens, I won't hold anything back." She smiled slyly, knowing the effect her words had on Ellie. But she wasn't trying to tease. Sarah wanted Ellie to know how much she wanted her, how different this was going to be.
Ellie felt Sarah's words like a jolt of electricity in her spine. Is one date enough of a wait? Seeing Sarah's smile, Ellie felt emboldened. Ellie gently caressed the palm of Sarah's right hand and brought it up to her lips. Then in a desire-filled gaze, she looked into Sarah's eyes until she could see the color growing on Sarah's cheeks. Finally, Ellie replied, "I won't either."
A gasp caught in Sarah's throat, the heat caused by Ellie's words making it hard not to pull Ellie into another kiss. The implication was clear: Ellie had more to show her. Her nervousness returned but she trusted Ellie. She trusted them. Sarah smiled, opened the door, and walked out. The air was cool but comfortable and it was definitely needed to calm the sexual energy between them.
"Hey," Ellie called out. Sarah hadn't reached the street yet and turned around, tilting her head. Ellie wasn't ready to say the words, even though it was how she felt. One day, maybe soon, when she could get past these fears, when she could see further out into the future of what they could be. For now, Ellie put her left hand over her heart, hoping Sarah would understand.
Sarah's heart swelled. She heard it, she felt it; she felt how she'd just been entrusted with something special, something only for her. She smiled and did the same with her hand, holding it for several beats in a wordless exchange of love and promise. Then Sarah turned around and walked toward her car, calling back, "Dinner's at 6."
A/N: I tried to write a hopeful ending rather than give in to my tendency for angst. Ellie understandably has a lot to work through but I think Sarah recognizes that she's had it easy compared to Ellie (in terms of impacts of their affair), so I have a feeling Sarah will stick it out. For those wondering why I didn't bring the kids back, I only brought them in briefly to give a hint of their views on their moms being together, to provide an inkling of what Ellie and Sarah would have to deal with once they revealed their relationship, and I figured those conversations with Devon and their moms could live off-screen in our imaginations. And for those wanting first date fluff, sorry! I'm terrible at fluff.
Thanks again for all the reviews and PMs and to all the readers who stuck it out with me in this story. Cheers.
