1Disclaimer: Eureka is not mine.
AN: This was actually inspired by a poem I wrote as I was writing this story. I'm not going to lie: It was pretty cool to write a story inspired by the poem inspired by the story I wrote it for. :)
Warning: non-consensual 'drug/serum' use.
There are at least two tags that I am leaving unspoken, but one is pretty clear.
One April Night
Nathan pulled up to the lot attached to Lake Archimedes and smiled slightly in relief as he found the Sheriff's Jeep waiting for him to park next to.
So, Jack was here.
He shot off a message to Allison and Henry and climbed out of his car, confident that they'd pass the word along to the others and call off the search.
It had been a throw-away comment that Taggart had said, once, about having run into Jack out by the lake a few times and Nathan had a hunch that the blond went out that way on a regular basis.
He saw the figure sitting cross-legged on the ground and felt that last vestige of panic fall away as he recognized Jack in the last light of day, the sun setting around them both.
"Jack?" he called out as he made sure to make noise, coming closer until he was level with his lover and lowered himself down next to him. "You okay?"
Jack was silent for a long moment before blowing out a breath and nodding slowly. "I'm… getting there."
"Good. You should probably know that Lupo caught the bastard and Fargo is in the middle of resetting the bunker, so you won't have to worry about being drugged, anymore."
He saw Jack nodding out of the corner of his eye and breathed out to calm himself down.
When he found out that someone had reprogrammed SARAH to allow a truth serum variant into its stores, he'd been furious. Not mention worried sick, but more furious than anything else.
Of course, no one had actually found that out until Donovan had half-seriously asked Jack if he loved Nathan and there was no flippant remark like they would have usually heard when asked that same question.
It had become somewhat of a game to Nathan, Jack and all their friends: Ask Jack what he saw in Nathan and Jack would come up with some sort of asinine response with a smile that told everyone he was kidding.
Nathan had made a vow to himself, Jack and Allison that he wasn't going to push the blond into anything and to take what he could get for as long as Jack was willing.
There had, of course, been a slowly growing desire to hear those particular words from Jack, but Allison had made Nathan promise her that he would say them first. If Nathan did first, then Jack would know exactly where they stood with each other and how serious Nathan was about him.
But Donovan hadn't thought anything of the question and each and every one of them had been expecting a usual quip.
What Nathan never expected in a million years was Jack turning to him with earnest blue eyes and he barely had the realization that something wasn't right with Jack when he opened his mouth.
'Yes, Nathan. I do love you.'
Everyone had been in complete shock at the sincere words for long moments before an odd glaze over Jack's eyes cleared and he paled rapidly at his answer.
It had only taken a few minutes after the blond took off for the rest of them to realize that something had happened to make the secretive blond blurt out his most private feelings – in public, no less.
They'd still been trying to figure out what had happened when someone asked if they'd seen Carter because he was running a little late to their meeting and the lightbulb went off in Nathan's head as the normally innocent questions were being sidestepped with rambling. The scientist had grown more nervous and Lupo had been the first to reach the man, demanding to know what he'd done.
It was a good thing she had, because Nathan realized that Jack's confession to him had basically been forced and fury unlike anything he'd ever experienced before rushed through him.
After all the patience and all his work with Jack – all while keeping the goal in mind – had been for absolute nothing and he'd felt betrayed and cheated and furious on both of their behalf and that was before the sense of loss and other emotions attached with never having something happen on Jack's own terms slowly trickled in.
Even now, Nathan felt frustrated tears begin to prick at his nose as he blinked the moisture away.
"Allison wants to look you over," he told the silent blond at his side. "When you're ready to face everyone, anyway. She wants to make sure there wasn't anything permanently damaged in your head. Lupo and a few others are writing up their reports now, so you'll figure out what happened and why."
"I think I know why," Jack smiled humorlessly as the sunset reflected on the surface of the lake. "Inside information. I don't even understand half of what I see at Global and someone thought I was the weak link in the security."
"Which you're not," Nathan firmly reassured. "If anything, we're the ones who didn't make sure everything was as it was supposed to be and we didn't check what we should have, when we should have done it. Fargo's kicking himself for not setting up some kind of alarm for tampering and Henry is trying to figure out if he'd seen something and just overlooked it. Kind of like the rest of us."
"Not your fault, though," he sighed, not looking away from the water. "I probably should've said something to someone because I've been feeling kind of … cloudy, lately. I don't know. Was it experimental?"
"We're still trying to figure out what kind of truth serum variation it was."
"Oh. So, it really was a kind of truth serum. I wondered."
"How long have you been feeling 'cloudy' for?" he looked over at him.
"Maybe a few days? I didn't really think anything of it, because I didn't think there was anything to think about."
Nathan hadn't been to the bunker since last week, everything between them having taken place at Nathan's house in the meantime.
"Hey," Jack turned away from the water for the first time and smiled tiredly at him. "You said it was a truth serum, right? Of some kind? Nathan, whatever happened between us since this started was all consensual. Nothing we haven't done before and nothing we won't do again."
"I understand that, I do," he nodded back. "But I also know that Allison is going to want to draw blood every day for the next two weeks to be sure you weren't drugged again. Just like I know that everyone is going to steer clear of personal topics because they won't be comfortable asking you something they might actually get a truthful answer to."
"I know," Jack said simply. "Not to mention that I'll probably be second guessing myself and poor SARAH is going to be quadruple checking everything with Fargo. I just … want to be clear with you right now, Nathan," he connected their gazes. "No matter what we did together in the last week, let's say, just know that I was not coerced into it."
"I believe you," Nathan nodded. Because Jack was right.
They'd done things in the last week that they'd done in the last year and a half and Nathan couldn't recall Jack acting any differently than he normally would have. Hell, maybe this truth serum had been introduced into Jack's system two days ago when neither had really done much more than kissing, heavy petting, and hand jobs.
But, when it came right down to it, that wasn't what he was most upset about.
"But there's something else, isn't there?" Jack – for all his non-science experience – did know how to read people and Nathan most of all.
He knew it might sound a little childish, but the sentiment was still true and he shrugged. "What you said… Look, Jack, there has never been a doubt in my mind, but I didn't want…" he waved a hand as he looked off toward the water, the moisture prickling at his nose again. "This is going to sound stupid, but…"
"You wanted to say them first," Jack finished for him, a very slight smile in his voice.
"Kind of. It… it's more than that," he hugged his knees to his chest. "You know, when Allison and I said those words to each other for the very first time, we were in our living room. Just us. And we… we weren't even drinking. And we felt that it was time to say them. You, on the other hand… you never had that choice. I'm pretty damned sure that it was the wrong time and the wrong place and Allison kept making me promise to say it first, but we both knew that she wasn't going to actually be there to hear it. It… I just…" he trailed off and wiped a hand over an eye. "I mean," his voice wavered, "I know Donovan didn't – it wasn't his fault, either, because not a damn one of us thought anything was wrong."
"Hey," Jack's voice took on that soft quality Nathan adored to hear in the late hours or early morning, no matter what they were doing or finishing doing, a firm hand coming up to the place where his shoulder met his neck and wrapping sure fingers around the spot to hold him in a solid grip. "I was going to say it, honest."
"But not at that moment," Nathan bitterly shook his head.
"… no. Not at that moment," he quietly agreed. "I know I'm not apologizing for anything in particular, but I still feel like I should be sorry about something."
Nathan huffed a laugh. "You are the last person to be sorry about anything. Never mind my own feelings. If anything, I should be the one apologizing for –"
"Nathan," Jack's grip moved him a little closer and Nathan closed his eyes as he felt a light kiss against his temple. "This was important to you and you got cheated out of it. At the same time, I was more or less forced into a confession. So, I'm honestly not sure which one of us is the bigger victim here."
Nathan sure as hell felt like the victim and he wasn't even the one being drugged.
"But listen," Jack shifted closer so they could feel each other all along one side. "That doesn't change the fact that it's true. Not a doubt in your mind, remember?"
"Yeah. I remember."
Jack felt nice against him as they lapsed into silence, Nathan unable to help a few more tears escaping from his opened eyes as he fell into a kind of sulk over everything.
He'd believed that saying those three words to someone for the first time was supposed to be a special moment, when both parties were ready to say them. Nathan hadn't been ready to say them and Jack hadn't been ready, either, but the feelings were still there.
He was just sorry he didn't get to say it first.
"Taggart must've told you where I was, huh?" Jack eventually broke the silence, the lake's surface calm enough to reflect the stars as they slowly came out. "That's how you found me."
"Something like that," he leaned into him and Jack guided his head onto the blond's shoulder. "Said you'd been out here while he's been doing Taggart things."
"It's nice and quiet out here," Jack's thumb was rubbing a spot near Nathan's ear and he just let himself relax into it. "Probably my favorite spot in all of Eureka."
Nathan watched the stars' reflection for a long moment. "Do you want to tell me why?"
Jack heaved a sigh. "Do I want to? … I'm not sure. On the one hand, I feel like it's been mine for so long and that it's… kind of sacred in some weird way. On the other, I'm … pretty sure you might need to know."
"And why's that? Why would I need to know?"
Jack was silent for a very long moment. "This is going to sound stupid, but I… I have dreams sometimes. I've had them for years, even before Eureka. And this scene right here," he waved his free hand at the stars reflected on the lake, "that's the scene that's always stuck with me. I mean, seeing this for the first time was almost literally earth shifting, because it was like the scene from my dream come to life."
Nathan thought about that for a moment. "I don't think I've ever noticed you having any dreams."
Unless nightmares counted, of course.
Donovan made that rookie mistake before Jack had spent the night at Nathan's for the first time and it took Nathan over two weeks afterwards to convince Jack that he didn't have to be scared to share his bed.
They worked out a system that so far prevented Nathan from having a black eye – though it wouldn't be his first and it certainly wouldn't be his last – and he would've known if there were non-Eureka related dreams.
"You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't notice anything," Jack mused. "I don't honestly think you've been around if I've had any since we started sleeping together, but I also know that I wouldn't have reacted any differently to it. I've had them when Zoe was little, when she would find a way into bed with me, and nothing ever indicated my reaction as being any kind of disturbance. She most certainly never noticed and SARAH never said anything after those dreams, so I assume I never acted out or anything."
"Does your ex know anything about these dreams?" Nathan – and Allison, since he told her everything during the early weeks – had honestly had no idea just how bad off Jack had been after that woman.
"No. You're … kind of the only one who knows about them, now."
Which explained Jack's reluctance to tell him about these dreams.
Nathan could understand how something so personal could technically feel sacred. Boy, did he ever – especially considering the incident earlier that day and his feelings about it.
"How often do they appear?"
Jack blew a breath, "From what I've been able to piece together, not a year goes by without at least three. I think it's an interconnected series that just likes to show up out of order with random reruns."
"Are they nice dreams?" because Jack deserved them after what he'd gone through in his life.
"… I think? I… most of it is. I dream that… I'm on this just beautiful ship as she's cutting through a calm ocean, because there is nothing out there. I find myself at the rail a lot, just staring at the stars on the water or just staring overhead. You should see it," his voice turned dreamy and soft. "The clear nights on the water and it's just you there with a front row seat. There is nothing in the world more beautiful than that."
Nathan looked out at the water and imagined being out in the middle of a larger body of water with the clear night sky his only company. He could see the appeal and silently agreed that it was a beautiful sight – unless he was seeing it with Jack. But even that would be a close second.
"I would gladly sleep out there, too," Jack went on, "if I wasn't in danger of freezing to death out on the deck. There would always be a hot beverage waiting for me when I would force myself to go in and the warmth is just so… striking after staying out in the cold for hours on end that sometimes I would wake up convinced I'd just had a cup of rich hot chocolate even though it's like a bazillion degrees outside. Sometimes, I could even swear I taste it. I mean, do you have any idea how disorienting that is?"
"Now that you mention it," Nathan thought for a moment, "I do seem to recall you once asking Vince what he put in your Vinspresso that made it taste like chocolate."
"My point, exactly."
"Why do you think you were even on a ship, anyway?"
"That would be the five million dollar question," he wryly answered. "I've thought about that, but it's always not important at the time that I'm dreaming. I mean, I know and understand that I'm on the ship, but the reason why I'm on it is never important. Sometimes, I have these other dreams about the ship and it's…" he was obviously struggling for words that he couldn't find. "It's just… You would have to be there to experience it for yourself. There's something that just gets lost in translation every time I've tried to explain it in words."
"Explain it to who?"
"Well, I had some optional thing back when I was still a Marshal and they wanted to see how articulate some of us were and how in tune with our feelings or some crap. One of the prompts said to pick a recent dream and try to put feelings in words about an object within the dream itself, if we could remember that much. As you can imagine, I picked the ship. And it wasn't as easy as you would think."
"Is it a big ship?"
"Yes," he confirmed without hesitation. "I do remember there being a towering smoke stack overhead at one point while on deck, but that's just, you know, more of a small detail compared to the view up there."
"Do you know if you'd ever been on a ship before? How did you feel about the one you were on?"
"It's… I think I'd been on a ship before – a strong suspicion because it's like being on the water wasn't such a big deal to me -, but I have the stronger feeling that the ship was definitely one of a kind. I have had other kinds of dreams about it and there's been this sense of 'holy shit, I can't believe I'm here on this thing' and those more rare dreams are the ones I kind of have some questions about. Like, I'm so excited in those dreams, almost running around like a kid, but even in the real world, I've rarely been so excited. Although, now that I think about it, running around Eureka and finding all those cool gadgets kind of comes close."
Nathan smiled slightly as he remembered many times where Jack didn't care what he looked like to other people, curiosity and excitement driving him beyond propriety. That had actually been what first drew him to the blond, seeing the pure pleasure at watching Science at work.
Sometimes, Nathan forgot what that felt like, to be watching just for the sake of watching and letting his knowledge just be quiet for once.
The thumb rubbing behind his ear pressed a little firmer, as if Jack knew the turn his thoughts would take at almost random times.
"The ship," Jack went on, a sense of awe in his voice, "was incredible. And everyone working on it was really nice and helpful and I still can't help thinking about how genuine they seemed to be. I know that people can be motivated by money to be 'genuine', but not these people. I think it was the ship that had everyone kind of star-struck and the novelty hadn't worn off, so it was actually like being in a dream within that world. There was a sense of happiness and cheer and maybe just a little bit of pride and there's all these other things wrapped into that, but I'm not actually sure there are words to describe them. It's like that whenever I think about 'the ship'. It's there and I feel like I want to describe what I'm feeling as I'm feeling it, but I – I can't."
"That's alright," Nathan soothed, reaching across his body to lay a hand on Jack's knee. "I think I get it, anyway. It sounds like how a lot of us feel about our fields or Science in general, that feeling that we can't describe it because that wouldn't do it justice."
"Exactly," Jack nodded slightly, a kind of relief in his voice at knowing that Nathan understood how it felt to be part of something that just couldn't be put into words, because there were no words of any language to explain it. People with the same knowledge and experience would just know without having to say a word.
Although…
Nathan had to wonder what kind of ship would foster the same attitude in Jack that Science fostered in himself.
There was a slight niggle in the back of his mind as Jack heaved a sigh.
"I have other dreams, too, just not as happy. Sometimes, I just want to sit there and cry after I wake up, because I think the ship sank somehow. It…" he breathed a little unsteadily. "It hurt to know that this beautiful and incredible thing just… just slipped away. Gone," Jack moved slightly in a manner that told Nathan he was wiping at his eyes.
This obviously affected the blond on a deep level and Nathan found his own thumb taking the pace of the one still rubbing behind his ear as he tried to give him some semblance of comfort.
"And," he unsteadily went on, "and then there are other dreams when I… I feel like I want to throw up. I'm so nervous and scared and I keep trying to focus on the stars, but the… I think there were flares going up, so it was difficult to focus on the sky. And there were other passengers who were just as scared, but they did a better job of hiding it."
That niggle tickled again in the back of his mind.
"There is this one moment in the course of this particular kind of dream where the flares have stopped and it's quiet and you can hear a violin playing somewhere," Jack fell silent for a long, long moment before he moved to wipe more tears from his eyes and Nathan heard a hitched breath above him. "It… I. I hear that violin again at the end of the dream, but the only thing I can remember by then is watching the stars and hearing absolutely nothing else. It… the. I always feel… strange after those dreams."
"How so?" Nathan prompted after a long minute of silence, the water lapping nearby as the only source of sound.
Jack hesitated another long moment before breathing out a sigh.
"I always wake up with a… a calmness. Or a … a peace. It's that kind of dream that makes me feel like… something… something's ended. And I don't like it. I find myself always close to tears all day after that dream. I've never actually found out why, but it… it feels like…"
He didn't want to say it, but Nathan had the sudden suspicion he knew.
It feels like… I died.
A shiver danced down his spine as he stared at the reflected stars.
That niggle was still in the back of his mind and he couldn't help thinking it was going to kick his ass later, but he didn't care as he moved more upright.
Jack turned to look at him before Nathan shifted to wrap his arms around his blond and held him tight. He only had to wait a moment before Jack did the same.
"Thank you for telling me," Nathan murmured into an ear.
"You're welcome," he heard back. "Thanks for not laughing at me."
"Not for having dreams or feeling so strongly about them. Everything else is fair game," he couldn't help teasing.
Eventually, they moved away and sat side by side to watch the stars above them.
"I can see why you'd be so fixated on the stars, even in your dreams," Nathan commented.
"Yeah," Jack agreed. They fell silent for another moment before, "Nathan?"
"Hm?"
"Did you guys find anything about that truth serum thing?"
"Not very much, but everyone's still working on it. Though, Allison did say –"
"Nathan," she levelled a serious look on him before he left to track the blond down, "do not – under any circumstances – start a serious conversation before I get my hands on him. While the 'truth serum' part might have worn off by the time you find him, there is still a chance that he might not have many filters left."
Shit.
His stomach dropped.
He'd been preoccupied and worried and upset and then so relieved to find Jack safe that he must've completely forgotten about that.
"I know that silence," Jack lightly mused, knocking their shoulders together. "You remembered something that you were told not to do, huh?"
"Jack, I –"
"I know. Really, Nathan, it's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I've actually been trying to find out how to tell you about those dreams, so the serum helped me do that. I figured it dropped some kind of filter or beat my self-consciousness into submission and I kind of took advantage of that. Hey," a hand covered his, gently prying his fingers open to lock them with another set. "I could have stopped at any time, but I didn't. Not like before. I couldn't find a way to bring the dreams to your attention and it's something I've wanted to do for a long time."
"Why?" he latched onto that, turning to look at what little of Jack he could make out.
Here, he hesitated for a long moment that gained a slightly embarrassed air. "Say what you want, but … You know that last dream I told you about? I… I always felt a sort of regret, too. It… it felt … kind of like the regret that comes from a missed opportunity, I guess. And it's – it's always sort of bothered me, because I never really knew where that was coming from or why. But, then, I had that dream again the first week we started dating and… well, the dream still freaks me out and I still feel like I'm on the verge of crying, but it got... better. Like, I didn't need to feel so … so incomplete, anymore. That's something I've honestly never really… I mean, I guess I did feel like I was missing something after that dream and it always seemed – I don't know, amplified by waking somehow? Then I woke up from that dream and it felt … it felt like the feeling of regret and incompleteness lessened dramatically and that's never happened before. And it's because of you. Deep down, I know it's because of you. And that's – that's why I wanted to tell you about the dreams. I just couldn't figure out how or when or where any of that could come up in conversation, but it did and now you know."
Now he knew.
"So, let me get this straight," he frowned thoughtfully. "You were drugged by someone as a means to an end, but you used your being drugged as a different means to a personal end?"
Jack thought about that before nodding. "I guess so," he sounded almost amused at the turn of events.
Nathan stared for a long moment before barking out a laugh. "Unbelievable," he shook his head.
"I guess that wouldn't really make me a victim of the whole thing, would it?"
"No, I don't suppose it would."
"But I guess we really should see Allison so you don't have to feel guilty for making me tell you something I was already struggling to tell you in the first place."
"That would help," Nathan agreed, squeezing the fingers trapping his own. He stretched his legs a little before standing, pulling Jack up with him. They both stood there in silence as they watched the stars on the lake.
"I have a flashlight," Jack told him.
"In a minute," he watched the lake as he brought their hands up to brush a light kiss on the back of Jack's hand.
"Nathan?"
He smiled at the bemused tone and turned to see Jack watching him. "I love you, Jack. I just thought you should know."
He didn't know that there was a smile on Jack's lips until they were pressed to his.
They stood there for a long moment, just like that, before both swayed back and Jack took out his flashlight to lead the way back to the cars.
Allison declared Jack fine – though the serum was almost completely out of his system – and extracted a promise for two more visits scheduled before next Thursday.
Jack accompanied Nathan back to his place as SARAH was still being worked on and both had a sandwich dinner before finally tipping themselves on Nathan's king-sized bed, both out like lights the moment their heads hit the pillows.
Maybe all that talk about ships and stars and dreams affected Nathan more than he'd thought, because he himself ended up having a dream that night.
And he knew it was a dream because he'd been standing on the edges of a harvested field in early spring, staring at the clear night sky before suddenly being overcome by an overwhelming sense of loss.
It touched him on a level that he never knew he had, the inexplicable heartbreak at an opportunity never given the chance to happen only eased after Jack shook him awake with concern in his blue eyes.
Curling tightly around him, Nathan dropped into a light, uneasy sleep.
He woke up with his ear pressed to Jack's chest and the news of a maritime disaster slowly fading in the morning light, a sense of rightness and an odd sense of complete underscored by every beat of Jack's heart.
One April Night
You know, I had the strangest dream the other night.
My belly full of nerves and such, but underneath the fright?
I felt calm and steady in the very strangest way.
Nothing I ever felt before, but why, I couldn't say.
The air was cold around me and the water liquid ice.
I found no warmth about me, so memory would suffice.
The days long passed of warmth pressed into shaking hands.
Hot liquid at my lips a dream, like pictures made in changing sand.
I'm not sure how I got there, but there I was, the same.
With echoes running through my mind of ever-lasting fame.
But then, I think there's music and my thoughts simply drift along.
I think I know the melody, but it's not a happy song.
I remember gentlemen, some done up their best.
And I remember looking in their eyes to find sorrow and distress.
But still, they stood with resign against the fear they held inside.
Courage and nobility, no, they wouldn't run and hide.
I think I was on a ship, the finest of its kind.
A grander ship, they told to me, would be a chore to find.
And, you know, I think I do remember what a gorgeous sight she made.
Her name, though, still escapes me to this very day, I am afraid.
But to walk amongst her corridors, eat with all her finest wares?
Oh, but excitement overcomes self-conscious due to stares.
Every room a palace and every chair a bed.
Never have I ever had such a place to lay my head.
But my favorite place was on her decks, my favorite view of all
came on the clearest nights, with that diamond studded shawl.
I'd stay out there for hours, staring just to get my fill.
And I'd be moving under it, a sky so calm and still.
To be honest, I'm not sure what happened in between.
One moment, there, a normal night, then came this awful scream.
And then, I'm back at the point where I'm staring at the stars.
And there's this silence that's come over me and I'm not sure why it jars.
I think the ship went down somehow, but I can't remember yet.
And I can't remember those gentlemen with jaws so firmly set.
But I think they're gone and it's upsetting that I never asked their names.
I should like to think about them and it's really such a shame
That the story will go 'round the world without a witness claim.
You really should've been there, but I guess it's all the same
that the survivors take the knowledge of the sinking to the grave
and regrets and second guesses concerning those they couldn't save.
I think I used to hear people calling out around.
But now it's eerie silent with the ocean's only sound.
I can't move from my position staring straight up at the stars
and there's water all around me, but help can't be very far.
I don't think I was the only one or thing to be set adrift.
How we got there, honestly, still escapes my very grip.
I don't know what happened to that ship I'd travelled on,
but there's an innate sense of sadness, because I'm pretty sure it's gone.
I kind of envy others for getting to watch that ship go down.
And what she left behind her, leaving treasures to be found.
Though I'm sure not all were treasure and I'm not sure all was good.
But I'm still kind of green with envy, because see it all, they could.
And, you know, I bet it all would be quite the honest sight.
It would've been my favorite had I not died that same one April night.
END
