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Story: [God-Queen Asuna]

Summary: The Cardinal needed someone to take care of things whilst it dealt with the intruder, she was the only one who fit the bill. And now all of Halkeginia is in for a bit of a culture-shock.

Crossover: (Sword Art Online) / (Zero no Tsukaima)

Genre: Humor

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A girl's desperate spell to summon a familiar. A desire that reached beyond the world itself, only to come up short upon realizing that its target had already been left bereft of its mind. Its mind had been stolen by an artificial dream, but the spell had been ordered to bring the suitable familiar back.

First, it tried to unlink the familiar from the dream, but another force appeared to oppose it, refusing the spell access to the minds of those dreaming.

On one side, magic. On the other, technology.

The spell wanted the familiar, and it wouldn't allow something as silly as an artificial network of lucid dreams to stand in its way, no matter how protective it tried to be.

The Cardinal didn't know why the foreign entity was trying to break into its servers, and it was never designed to be a firewall. But it had its duties to never allow anyone to access the databanks of the Players, and as the entity's approach shifted from curious exploration into pillaging and burning everything that it managed to claim, it had no choice but to fight back with everything in its possession.

Which meant that it needed to focus all of its considerable computing power against the intruder. However, this wasn't something that it could do without consequences, simply due to the fact that it'd been designed with the express purpose of keeping ALfheim Online in a functioning form at all times.

Basically, in order to focus its attention completely on the intruder, it would need something that wasn't itself to step in and take care of the game-servers.

So that's what it did.

Originally designed to assist Cardinal with various tasks, Fairy King Oberon was unfortunately unavailable at this time due to GM-interference having turned the avatar into a player-character, much the same could be said about the Fairy Queen Titania. Unlike the King though, the Queen was actually logged in at this time, and if she had access to the Titania-avatar, then she ought to have the proper clearance for making changes within the game.

It wasn't as if it could try to brainwash the human into fulfilling the part to Cardinal's – admittedly strict – standards. But that didn't meant that it couldn't provide her with guidelines and objectives and references to the necessary knowledge. It would just have to trust in the decision to give this player-operated Queen that amount of clearance.

Asuna would've been quite charitable in the amount of words she would've had to say about exactly how much warning she'd been given before the besieged AI imprinted a metric ton of 'necessary information' directly into her brain. It wasn't as if the Cardinal had attempted to harm the human in any way, but that didn't make the headache that she experienced as a result any less massive.

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Kirito was fidgeting on the spot, desperately wanting to have another go at trying to rescue Asuna from within the World Tree, but at the same time knowing that this wasn't the time.

The Immortal Objects were no longer such. They could be scratched, and theoretically destroyed. The menu didn't work, not even making a glitched attempt at appearing. And Yui seemed utterly convinced that something had seriously messed with how the game-engine functioned.

All in all, even if things didn't seem disturbingly real all of a sudden, even if he hadn't just been temporarily knocked unconscious along with everyone else as they suffered through a massive amount of pain, Kirito would've had a few very good clues as to there being something wrong going on.

And considering Kirito's experience with 'problems' in these games, he was very much nervously awaiting the System Announcement and Kayaba's eerily smug voice.

Leafa seemed worried about him, which did help him somewhat in keeping himself grounded, keeping himself from flying off the handle and desperately charging straight ahead into the World Tree in a doomed attempt to get to Asuna.

There was also the fact that Yui's presence was doing a surprising amount of good in trying to keep some order amongst the gathered players around them, and Kirito didn't exactly want to leave his daughter behind.

So he remained still, and kept on fidgeting.

Until a beautifully familiar voice suddenly echoed across the city hidden underneath the World Tree's roots.

"Is this thing on?" It mumbled first, and Kirito could almost see his wife's face scrunch up in annoyance at being forced to figure this out on her own, before she cleared her throat. "Right. My name is Asuna. There's a lot of things I'd like to say to a lot of people, but they're probably not listening, so I'll try to be civil."

Kirito felt his lips twitch into a grin. It was definitely her.

"I have no idea what is going on." Asuna's voice continued, shedding its earlier humor for seriousness. "However, what is known to me is that ALO was recently under siege by an unknown perpetrator. It appears as if they, whoever they were, won."

Kirito could hear a quiet mumble start up amongst the gathered Players, but focused his attention on the disembodied voice of the woman he loved.

"What they succeeded in, is currently unknown. As many of you have probably realized, Immortal Objects are no longer Immortal, the player menu doesn't work, and the items in your inventories are only partially accessible. From the mouth of a SAO-survivor, this is not in any way like the SAO Incident." Asuna took a deep breath, and Kirito could almost hear her teeth grinding. "SAO was a game, it followed game-rules. This-... As far as I can tell, the only 'rules' ALO is currently operating under is real-life physics and some kind of applied magical theory."

Everyone around them held their breaths, knowing what she was going to say next, and yet dreading it with their entire beings.

"Whatever the unknown assailant did to Cardinal, the result is this: ALO is no longer a game." With the finality of a headsman's ax dropping on a prisoner's neck, she said those last condemning words, before continuing with a sigh. "Find your faction leaders, you voted them into their positions for a reason. And everyone, please keep safe."

XXX

It took Asuna about fifteen minutes after her awakening to break out of her gilded cage, navigate through the maze-like tunnels of the World Tree, and find the place where the SAO-players were being held captive.

Upon finding them in the middle of slicing apart the last remnants of the slimes who'd once been the GMs, Asuna had kind of decided to simply roll with it. If they were dead, they were dead, and nobody would gain from having the 'killers' second-guess their instinctive attacks – even if she wasn't entirely sure if they'd been anything other than slimes at this point, the shift having changed the rules somewhat.

Instead she'd greeted them with all of the seriousness that the situation deserved, and explained as fully as she was able what was happening.

It took them barely a minute to start shouting at her, it took them another five to give up on that as useless. After that, it took her nearly ten minutes to convince them to stop moping about it. It was bad, on many levels, but being miserable wouldn't get them anywhere and Asuna at least had things that she wanted to see.

It took a PK-er almost half-an-hour after that before they tried to stab her in the back. Seven minutes after that, Asuna managed to move them all into a different room. A room that didn't stink of blood and gore, or had a body sliced almost in half splattered all across the floor.

It'd been kind of damaging to morale, and Asuna had been on the verge of throwing up more than once.

She'd seen death. But she'd never seen gory death before. It was very different from SAO's scattering lights. Somehow less final, but an awful lot more horrifically memorable.

It was nearly two hours after that first moment of waking up with a headache, that Asuna finally managed to get enough of a grip of the situation that she felt it necessary to report it to the ALO-players caught in this mess.

By the third hour, she'd figured out a way to open a path past the World Tree dungeon.

It took Kirito almost six minutes to realize what she'd done and drop everything he'd been doing in order to rush to her side.

Not that she'd been counting or anything.

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A/n: I was reading through "Fae is Foul" by Flere821, and barely got past the absolute beginning before "God-Queen Asuna" began echoing in my head. That fic didn't actually follow that particular plot-line (which is probably for the best, considering how cracky the idea is) and developed instead towards a more serious take on things.

Obviously, I decided not to do that. Which is how this madness got started.

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The Madness of the Faery Races

XXX (Cait Sith) XXX

Asuna made a frustrated noise deep in her throat, and even Sakuya was frowning at her friend and ally.

"Those were emergency provisions. They could last for months without issue, even without ice-magic." Asuna growled out, glaring at the leader of the Cait Sith faction.

Alicia returned her glare with gusto. "So what? Don't underestimate fish!"

"You didn't even get a good trade-ratio when you sold all of it!" Asuna snapped back.

"It was our food! We could do what we wanted with it! And we wanted to trade it for fish!" Alicia snapped back, her hair bristling a bit like a cat.

Kirito made soothing motions towards his wife before she decided to try to force the factual foolishness of such a 'want' down the faction-leader's throat. "It was a unanimous decision, Asuna. It's not technically something we can deny them, in light of that."

Asuna glared at him for taking the fish-obsessed weirdo's side in this argument, but Kirito had heard enough about politics that he was fairly sure the concept of 'precedent' in interfering in this matter would probably come back to bite them in the ass later.

"I have to ask though." Sakuya interrupted. "I understand that fish tastes better for Cait Sith than us other faeries, but isn't it unhealthy to only eat one thing?"

Alicia turned disapproving eyes on her long-time friend. "It's fish." She said, as if that would answer everything. "It's the greatest thing ever."

And so it was quickly and almost-unanimously – Alicia was grumbling the entire time – decided by the faction leaders that they were to never ever ever leave a Cait Sith in charge of acquiring food for anyone other than Cait Sith – as apparently they actually were perfectly capable of living entirely on a diet of fish.

Whatever their opinions might've been on the subject of food previous to the transition, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that it had really screwed with the cat-like faeries' heads.

Kirito also made a very silent and very secretive note to figure out a way to acquire catnip.

He had no idea what might happen, but the results of tossing it into a room filled with Cait Sith would probably be hilarious.

XXX (Gnomes) XXX

"I'm sure they cheated somehow!" Leafa exclaimed, dropping onto her bed with a huff of frustration.

"The gnomes beat you in a race again?" Kirito glanced over at his little sister, feeling vaguely amused, but dutifully pulling out a map. "Right, where did you start, and where did you go?"

Leafa pointed out the locations on the map, still grumbling about 'cheating gnomes, digging stupid secret tunnel shortcuts everywhere'.

They didn't actually have any proof for that idea, but considering how much time the gnomes spent mining, combined with the fact that the Immortal Object which had been keeping ALO from turning honeycombed was no longer present, and with a recent disturbingly reoccurring ability to seemingly pop up out of nowhere for most of that race... well, there were theories.

Some of those theories consisted of underground secret tunnels, and some of them said that people were just getting paranoid over one or two gnomes figuring out a way to poke fun at people with some recently learned illusion spells.

Kirito however was not one of those people.

If they had a secret underground tunnel network, then his inner gamer wouldn't allow him to not make sure that he'd explored it to the fullest extent possible. Even if he could never find an entrance to it.

Which was why he was helping Leafa with mapping the 'appearing spots' of the gnomes.

They'd catch them at it, sooner or later. And when they did, Kirito would already have a working map to build on.

He refused to be left uninformed of a mystery simply because he didn't have the racial qualities of 'enjoys digging holes'.

XXX (Imps) XXX

Henrietta frowned in confusion at the strange faerie in front of her. "Umm, might I ask-?"

"He's an Imp." Klein helpfully explained. "They don't get out much."

The imp bristled in indignation. "We do too!"

Klein raised an eyebrow at him. "When we dragged you out of there, you hadn't seen the sun for two weeks."

"Twelve days isn't two weeks!" The imp huffed at him. "And we're nocturnal!"

"Alright, and when did you last breathe fresh air for a period of time longer than one hour?" Klein challenged the other faerie.

The imp's expression slowly began to morph from anger into concentration. "... A month?" He finally guessed hesitantly.

Klein turned a difficult expression to the princess, before reinforcing his earlier words. "They don't get out much."

"It's not our fault! The sunlight is really harsh!" The imp defended himself. "It hurts to be outside during the day!"

Henrietta fidgeted slightly at the realization that she'd apparently accidentally poked a bit at a sore spot when she'd tried to figure out what faction of faeries the imp belonged to. She'd heard of imps before, obviously. She just hadn't really considered that the mutterings of 'weird shut-ins' had been more than a very personal opinion of an unusually rude individual.

As the imp began to defend his reasons for a general lack of personal hygiene however – it included things like water looking mightily dangerous during the dark of the night – Henrietta was forced to revise her previous opinion on the matter. Perhaps they really did follow a lot of the general signs of 'shut-ins' that she'd heard described from various academical circles every now and again.

Despite the imp's passion on the subject of denying such accusations, he wasn't making a very good case for himself.

XXX (Leprechauns) XXX

The rumors had started when one of the leprechauns had approached their new – jokingly crowned – God-Queen Asuna, on behalf of asking her of her opinions in regards to giant robots. Specifically, giant robots with missile launchers that people could ride around in and spread peace and super-cool explosions with. Or, 'mechas', really.

Asuna had very carefully explained that building such a thing was fine, but that – if anyone tried using them against anything other than mobs – she'd be confiscating every valuable of the entire faction. Mechas included.

Looking somewhat crestfallen, but definitely not heartbroken, the leprechaun had then scurried away to an unknown location.

It'd taken a bit of time before the stories of the event started to spread amongst the other faeries, but it was quickly decided that the leprechauns had been asking for permission for field-tests for their super-awesome gundam-prototype. Or something very similar, though the specifics varied a bit.

Which in turn had led to the obvious events of the leprechaun faction having to more or less wade through some of the more passionate gundam-fans' applications for becoming a 'mecha pilot'.

Which had continued until the leprechaun Leader had started yelling about it, and – after time and time again refuting all claims that they actually had a mecha of any sort – said something along the lines of 'everyone knows that it's not the pilot's choice to be a pilot'. Before continuing to rant about all true mecha-stories should be of the 'reluctant hero who takes up the mantle of battle, because nobody else can'-type.

The applications had slowed down to a small stubborn trickle after that. But it was obvious to anyone with eyes that there were quite a number of faeries who was disappointed about the leprechauns faction's decision to 'leave it to fate'.

And whilst there was much jealousy on behalf of whoever the pilot would prove to be, there was also much anticipation for what the giant robot would look like.

Kirito was personally of the opinion that it would probably have wings.

Both Yui and Asuna appeared convinced that he was getting his hopes up for nothing though. But if video games had taught Kirito anything, then it was that conspiracy theories were perfectly sensible things to base hopes, dreams, and serious plans for the future on.

XXX (Pooka) XXX

Kirito groaned and pulled his pillow over his head.

Yui made a noise of misery from next to him, and Asuna was growling into her own pillow.

"It's two AM." His wife croaked angrily through her sleep-parched throat. "Why the hell is someone strangling cats outside of our window?"

Yui made a horrified noise at the thought of someone being cruel to animals in such a way, and Kirito hastened to reassure their daughter by addressing the concern at its source. "They're playing music, Asuna."

Asuna turned a glare at him, her bloodshot eyes making it all the more potent, despite the darkness of their bedroom. "That's not music, Kirito."

He sighed. "The Pooka race never needed to learn how to play music in the game. They just needed the spells to go along with it." He started to explain, feeling that – as the proper gamer that he was – full disclosure on all game-related matters were a must. "So most people who played Pooka characters were tone-deaf. And the transition didn't suddenly teach them how to play, even if their magic still works fine"

Asuna stared at him blankly for a long moment, before admitting in a tired voice. "Honestly, Kirito. I don't care. Make the noisy idiot shut up. I want to sleep."

Knowing better than to start an argument with the woman who could probably forcibly remove his equipped gear from his person whilst he was in public – should she ever think of it, and have reason to make use of her GM-privileges in order to implement such a sadistic vengeance – Kirito crawled out of bed.

Opening the window made the god-awful noise coming from the Pooka a bit down the street, all the more audible.

Thankfully, Kirito's throwing skill was pretty high-level.

And he had a boot that he wasn't overly attached to.

The noise stopped with a final thud.

Kirito closed the window, muttering under his breath about how some people didn't even have the common sense to wear proper head-armor when they decided to challenge the silence of the night to a Boss Fight.

XXX (Salamanders) XXX

Mortimer frowned at the gathered Faerie Lords. "I hardly think that it's appropriate that a parade would need fire-fighters to be present."

Sakuya frowned back at him. "Being as the parade consists predominantly of salamanders, it's a sensible precaution."

"We are more inclined towards using fire-magics than other races, yes. But we're not pyromaniacs." Mortimer continued to stubbornly oppose this discrimination.

"There's a reason that the salamander capital is in the middle of a desert, and made entirely of fire-resistant rock." Alicia pointed out.

Mortimer was halfway into arguing the point when an aide entered and cleared his throat.

"Sir Mortimer, it seems as if there's been another unauthorized 'fire-party'." The aide explained why he was interrupting the important meeting.

Mortimer sighed. "What damages are we talking about?"

"The fire was quickly contained, but we'll need someone to explain to the Tristain noble in question why half of their wheat fields were turned to ash."

Mortimer made a pained face, before gritting his teeth and turning back to the other faerie lords, who were now seemingly caught between smugness and annoyance. "Fine, I will not oppose the presence of a fire-fighting force at this time."

It wasn't his fault that the salamanders were one of the most numerous of the races, or that they seemed to have an unusually high percentage of pyromaniacs within their ranks. But it was definitely frustrating that it meant that nobody trusted the rest of them to not light things on fire at the drop of a hat.

One of the things that he missed the most about when ALO had been a game was the way that everything important had been protected from fire-damage through Immortal Object mechanics. In no small part, due to how – ever since the transition – he hadn't been able to properly enjoy a good pyre without having to keep things like fire-safety in mind.

It was really annoying.

XXX (Spriggans) XXX

Kirito breathed a sigh of relief as he finally managed to escape from his personal meeting with the spriggan faction leader.

The woman hadn't exactly been pleased with him for using the threat of a spriggan alliance in order to scare off the salamanders back before the transition, even if she'd mostly forgiven him for it.

However, that wasn't why it was such a relief to leave her behind. That stemmed more from the way that she'd managed to bully him into calling her 'nee-san', and the vaguely uncomfortable realization that – despite her general level of familial friendliness – she was probably just as ruthless as Mortimer. In her own way.

Meeting her had in fact made Kirito wonder how much truth there might not be behind the lingering rumors that the spriggans had some kind of mafia.

Underhandedness was of course merely common sense for a race whose magic was built nearly entirely around illusions, but something about the atmosphere that had come along with said undercurrents had just made the woman's ruthlessness all the more obvious. That there was something going unsaid, that there would of course be consequences should he use the spriggans' good name again, and that those 'consequences' would be direly unpleasant to experience.

All in all, it felt a bit like trying to cut a deal with the devil, whilst said devil was trying to convince you that everyone in hell were your friends, and that you were basically family already. And family helped each other out, right?

The unsaid 'or else' lingered in the back of Kirito's mind in a distinctly haunting manner.

Having previously dismissed the idea of there being a mafia in-game – or at the very least, a mafia that used other means than the pure monetary might of the leprechauns – Kirito was now left wondering if perhaps he should start taking it a bit more seriously.

If for nothing else, then for the fact that – should the rumor actually be false – his 'nee-san' would probably find it hilarious if he continued spreading the prank around.

Spriggans were natural tricksters, after all.

XXX (Sylphs) XXX

"There's something really strange going on here." Kirche finally declared after much thoughtful hemming and hawing.

Tabitha, who'd long since picked up on the focus of her friend's intense scrutiny, allowed herself the slightest nod of agreement. "Unnatural."

Liz grunted. "It's possible that their 'default sizes' were bigger than normal."

"Every last one of them?" Kirche challenged.

Liz shrugged. "Or maybe there's some truth behind the rumor that they have a secret way of enlarging chest-sizes."

Tabitha turned a stare of surprising intensity against the faerie. "Rumor?"

Liz, vaguely unnerved by that stare, shrugged again. "It's something that's popped up. No clue what that way is or why they'd keep it secret if they had one. Pretty sure some of the guys started the rumor or something."

Tabitha shifted her eyes back to her book. "Disappointing." Was her thought on the matter.

Kirche enveloped the smaller girl in a hug. "Don't worry Tabitha! You're cute enough as you are!"

Tabitha made no move to acknowledge the fact that she was now a slight shift away from being suffocated by another distinctly undeniable chest-size. But Liz noted that she didn't really seem to be annoyed by it either.

They were pretty close friends, apparently.

XXX (Undines) XXX

Kirito carefully grabbed the bottle of water away from his daughter's hands, sniffing suspiciously at the contents within it.

"The water is completely clean, papa." Yui assured him.

Kirito glanced over at the innocently naive little girl. "That's no proof that it hasn't been tampered with." He denied her argument.

Asuna sighed. "Kirito-kun, the undines haven't poisoned the water supply."

"Of course they haven't." Kirito sent her a confused glance. "They'd get into trouble for that. But they've definitely done something to it."

"Cleaned it, perhaps?" Asuna guessed, willing to let her husband get his new conspiracy theory out of his system by listening to him. He was kind of cute with the way he tended to obsess over things.

"It was perfectly drinkable before." Kirito denied her argument, still staring with suspicion at the water bottle. "I think Klein might've gotten drunk from it, yesterday. He was acting really weird."

"And what's to say that he didn't drink actual alcohol, rather than water?" Asuna asked, sending a sympathetic glance to Yui who had resorted to pouting in her forcibly prolonged moment of thirst.

Kirito frowned. "It's possible, I suppose." He admitted with great reluctance, taking a final suspicious sniff of the contents of the bottle, before handing it back to Yui. "But I've heard rumors, Asuna. And they all agree that there's probably 'something in the water'."

Asuna desperately hid her laughter behind her hand. "Kirito-kun. You do know that that's a kind of saying, right? It's used to describe a group of individuals who act oddly for some reason."

Kirito nodded. "I know that. But I also know that when everyone start agreeing on a very specific way of phrasing it, then there's usually some kind of Event involved. And the undines messing with the water-supply fits the bill perfectly."

Asuna couldn't hold back her laughter any more, but when he started pouting at her for not believing him – managing to look startlingly like their daughter as he did so – she managed to get it under control for long enough that she could kiss him.

Yui had managed to grab the water-bottle and distract herself to elsewhere, so it wasn't like they couldn't let their hands wander for a bit.

From the way Kirito's arms snaked around her waist, he'd had much the same thought.

XXX (The Faeries' Royal Family) XXX

Nobody in Halkeginia knew exactly how it'd come to be that the God-Queen Asuna had been married to a seemingly average – if highly skilled – faerie. There were of course some hints about Kirito being called the 'Hero of Aincrad', or some variation thereof. But beyond his actions having played an instrumental part in winning a long and bloody campaign, nobody could quite see how they would've even met.

A Queen might be someone who rewarded heroes – especially truly distinguished ones – but despite the many tales of 'princesses' marrying heroes both left and right, 'queens' generally weren't supposed to do that.

A queen was either a monarch in her own right – and thus should only marry for the sake of her country's prosperity, rather than any heroism on her future husband's side of things – or they achieved the status of 'queen' by marrying to a king. And Kirito was definitely a hero rather than a king.

It was of course possible that faeries might be a bit more lenient about royalty marrying 'commoners', especially considering that they were generally almost dismissively relaxed about the respect afforded to their various faction leaders and the like. But it still didn't give much of an explanation on the matter.

The fact that Kirito hadn't been inducted into some kind of ceremonial post and was generally referred to with a rather casual 'consort', and the more jokingly whispered 'boy-toy', certainly didn't help Halkeginia with their confusion on this matter.

However, the confusion didn't stop there.

The God-Queen was... well, nobody quite knew what she was, beyond being a faerie. Her husband – who didn't actually seem to hold any official capacity at all other than a general 'bodyguard' duty – was a spriggan. And their daughter, Princess Yui, was... a navigation pixie.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Kirito's younger sister was a sylph.

All in all, this raised the rather obvious question of 'how in the Founder's name do these faeries breed?'.

Not that anyone would ask such a crude question to anyone close enough to either member of the strange family that they might actually receive a satisfactory answer.

After all, if they'd known that the sylph was technically Kirito's cousin, and that Yui was adopted, they might not have been anywhere near as confused.

XXX