"Spartan-1337. We have a special mission for you." The commander announced, his voice calm and serious.

"YES!" Spartan-1337 pumped both of his fists into the air, his golden visor flashing with reflecting light despite the command center being dark, lit only by a blue holo-table. "With ALL UNSC forces present and engaged this has to be a REALLY important mission! What strategic position do I have to secure?! What mcguffin do I have to retreive?! How many Halo arrays need to be stopped?! HOW MANY COVENANT DO I GET TO SHOOT IN THE FACE?!"

The commander continued. "The UNSC has lost an asset of the utmost importance. It was stolen right after we exited slipspace into this superstructure." The holotable started to move, centering in on a giant mountain. A little pulsating red dot appeared on the very top. "Luckily we strapped a tracking device on it beforehand. The asset has been moved to the top of this mountain but be advised. ONI has gotten word that The Covenant know of its location as well and are sending several dozen of their ships."

"OH YES!" Spartan-1337 said excitedly through his teeth.

The commander's eyes narrowed. "This mission has no room for failure Spartan. If we lose this asset we lose a key tactical advantage."

"I'm in! What am I looking for?" Spartan-1337 clenched his fists in anticipation, every bone in his body yearning for the cutscene to complete so he could kick ass.

"The asset you are looking for is Lord Hood's trumpet." The commander pointed to the holo-table where the map had been replaced by the image of a trumpet.

"...Huh?" The Spartan looked at the trumpet in shock.

"Musical instruments are quite fragile Spartan. Be careful with it." The commander then pointed to the corner of the room. "We also have no facilities to take care of those children so you will be responsible for them for the duration of this mission."

In the corner stood three children dressed in caveman attire.

"Oh not you kids again!" 1337 complained.

A small girl with a heart-shaped dress spoke first. "I'm kinda hungry." Said Kinda Hungry.

"This whole thing is really confusing…" Said an even smaller kid with a huge afro.

"At least the robot is here." Said the oldest.

"Oh you're continuing with that huh? I'm not a robot!" Spartan-1337 yelled.

"You will also be taking care of their pet T-Rex." The Commander announced.

Spartan-1337 froze. "Oh not aga-"

The roof of the room was ripped away as the green foot of a T-Rex bursted through and rammed Spartan-1337 into the ground. The impact left a massive crater in the floor and sent a quake throughout the entire facility. It's foot was then removed and the T-Rex's massive mouth reached into the crater and began to lick the temporarily paralysed Spartan vigorously.

"I think he's grown fond of you." The oldest said.

"OH! THE SLIME! It's creeping into… My armor! Oh this is going to take… Forever to wash! Gah!" Spartan-1337 struggled against the massive reptile's tongue. "I need a bath!"

"I'm afraid the children used all of our hot water and soap to wash their pet." The Commander said, his voice seemingly unable to shift from a cold deep slightly-epic monotone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Spartan-1337 screamed in despair.

"...So anyways, I go up to the Arbiter and I kid you not the alien turns around and gives me an entire fuel rod cannon!" A marine named Jim said to his buddy Mort who were both hanging out in one of the many hangers on the ship.

"No way! You got one?" Mort asked in disbelief.

"Ha! No. It was all lies!" Jim replied grumpily. "He just kept switching our weapons from the cannon to a pistol. Over and over. The entire time he was just staring into my soul like Hannible Lector. At first I was annoyed, then I got creeped out so I tried creeping him out by flirting a little. That only seemed to encourage the guy though and he just kept. On. Switching. For an hour. And keep in mind the Chief was still T-Bagging that brute. FOR AN HOUR! Like, save the planet already!"

"Dude, what the fuck?" Mort replied, bewildered.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Both marines looked to see Spartan-1337 burst through a doorway, sprint across the hanger, and jump right out of the hanger into the air, starting his long plummet to the surface. He was followed by a T-Rex with three children on it's back who also jumped and surrendered themselves to the wind.

There was a long silence before anyone spoke again.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Mort repeated.

"These Spartans man, I tell ya." Jim shook his head.

Spartan-1337 fell through the thick forest trees smashing several branches with his heavy armor before clearing the trees to see a strangely placed wagon full of hay. The wagon was blown to smithereens and scattered about the ground as the Spartan crashed head-first into it, replacing its location with a massive crater.

"Mph…" 1337 pulled himself up and crawled out of the crater, one hand rubbing his helmet. "Another happy landing."

"Yeah! That was fun!" Exclaimed the afro kid.

Too Spartan-1337's left were the kids still riding their T-Rex.

"Oh, you're both just there now huh?" Spartan-1337 got up.

"That's our thing." The oldest kid replied.

"Yeah? Well just don't get in the way. It's been TO LONG since I've been in the field!" The Spartan retrieved his assault rifle from his back. "Stupid non-cannon status…" He muttered.

Spartan-1337 walked down the clear linear path in front of him, coming to a clearing in the trees. Before him stood the mountain, it's imposing height made even more daunting by the massive amount of Covenant ships surrounding it.

"Alright…" The words 'Now playing: Reclaimer (Halo 2 OST)' scrolled across the tactical display of his helmet. "It's time for the Covenant to taste the might of a SPARTAN!"

Spartan-1337 ran into the clearing, only to be instantly shot in the head by a jackal sniper hiding in the trees. His body collapsed to the ground before everything faded to black.

He respawned back in the pile of hay. The three children, still off to the side, were about to say something when the Spartan held up his finger. "DON'T! Say anything. I'm still… Getting used to the controls."

"Looks like the robot is rusty." The oldest taunted.

"I SAID DO- Gah!" Spartan-1337 switched to his magnum and charged into the clearing again, this time quickly picking off the jackal that had killed him. "Ha! Not this ti-"

Another bolt of plasma hit him in the back of the head and he found himself sitting in the pile of hay again.

"I've got some oil…" The oldest started.

"OK! Two snipers huh?" Spartan-1337 pondered. "Tough start, but this is one of many challenges a Spartan must face! Snipers are devious, but not invincible! I shall NOT be defeated!"

The Spartan ran forward again, taking out the first sniper before diving to the ground as a plasma bolt burned through the grass right where he had been a second ago. Rolling to his feet Spartan-1337 twirled his magnum before scoring a headshot on the second sniper.

"That's what you get for messing wi-"

Several dozen more jackal snipers appeared in the trees. All in unison they aimed and fired, their target's head becoming a pincushion of plasma. Spartan-1337 respawned yet again.

"...Ok. What idiot designed this level?" Spartan-1337 growled looking to the sky.

The oldest child crossed his arms.

"No no. I got this." Spartan-1337 grunted as he rose to his feet once more. "This happens to Spartans all the time…"

46 minutes later…

Mountain Progress: 10%

Current death count: 42

Checkpoint reached...

Now armed with a fully loaded beam rifle Spartan-1337 stumbled out of the forest and up the base of the mountain. Up ahead he heard Human voices and climbed up a trail to find several marines taking cover behind a destroyed warthog. Strangely there were no enemies to hide from. They were just crouching there.

"Hey look! A Spartan!" One of the marines pointed.

"Looks like it's time to kick some ass!" Another smiled as he loaded several shells into his shotgun.

Spartan-1337 strode up to the marines making sure to exude confidence as he did so. "Alright men. We need to TAKE THIS MOUNTAIN! Who do we have?!"

One of the marines, a black guy who could easily be mistaken for Sgt. Johnson, spoke up in a gruff voice. "I'm Sergeant Apone! Over there is Private Hudson, Private Vazquez, and Private Frost is over there walking into that wall."

"I've… Been here… For days…" Frost complained while running in place with his face planted into a boulder.

"It's been five minutes. Stop being so dramatic." Vazquez said while checking her rocket launcher.

"Well I'll say this." Spartan-1337 began. "You may not be as strong, fast, or awesome as me. You may not have the tactical brilliance that comes with being a Spartan. You may be prone to horrendus pathfinding. But we are going to TAKE this mountain, retrieve the… Asset, and make the Covenant regret the day they decided to cross m- us!"

"Ooh-rah!" The marines shouted.

The group moved out, proceeding further up the mountain though rock fields and forest paths.

5 minutes later…

Mountain Progress: 20%

Current Death Count: 42

Checkpoint reached...

Spartan-1337 dived behind a boulder as plasma bolts and needler shards filled the air in absurd quantities. He tossed a frag grenade over the boulder and waited for the dull thump that caused the plasma fire to cease. He then ran into the open with his assault rifle, hip firing it at full auto. Several Covenant Elites, Jackals, and Grunts did a small dance before falling to the ground. One of the Grunts lost his methane pack to the gunfire and the gas rocketed out of his back, sending him flying above the treeline before exploding.

"Huh?!" The Spartan stopped firing and only just managed to dodge a rogue plasma grenade. He watched it pass within inches of his faceplate before it flew past, sticking right onto Sergeant Apol's face. It blew up in a brilliant flash of blue fire and the marine's body ragdolled about five inches to lay limp on the ground.

"SERGEANT!" Spartan-1337 yelled and looked to see the culprit, a brute chieftain with a massive gravity hammer. "You'll pay for that! No one murders my comrades!" He put away his assault rifle and got out the beam rifle, taking aim. "I only just met them but I VALUE THEIR LIVES MORE THAN MY OWN!"

As several shots from the beam rifle streaked forward only to reflect off the brute as his body was encased in a bright white sheen. The chieftain roared, reaching its target and striking twice. Spartan-1337 ducked and dodged to the side before smashing the butt of his weapon into the brute's face. The Jiralhanae reeled back in surprise, watching a small portion of his invulnerability shield break away from his face.

"Think you're invisible with that shield eh? THINK AGAIN!" Spartan-1337 unleashed a barrage of punches, his fists fast enough to be a blur of motion and each impact shaking the ground. The brute was blown back with incredible force, smashing through several boulders and trees before tumbling to the ground. The Spartan then grabbed a plasma grenade and smashed it in his hand, the resulting explosion sending an absurd amount of smoke flying from his fist, which was now crackling with electricity.

"Plasma… PUUUUUUUNCH!" Spartan-1337 destroyed the ground beneath him as he blurred forward and closed the gap between him and the brute in an instant. He struck, the force of his punch incinerating several dozen trees and glassing a sizable portion of the mountain. The Spartan stopped, the brute behind him doing several backflips in place before bloating up and exploding in a brilliant display of blue fire. "HmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!" He clenched his smoking fist, shaking it dramatically.

Then he looked down. He was now standing in a small lake.

"Ah! No! Not water! Anything but water!" Spartan-1337 fell into the lake and started to thrash around. "I'm going to drown!"

"That's like, two feet of water." Said the afro kid who was standing with his siblings at the water's edge.

"Must be short-circuiting." Replied the oldest.

"I'm hungry." Said Hungry.

15 minutes later…

Mountain Progress: 70%

Current Death Count: 56

Checkpoint reached...

The shockwave of an exploding scarab carried Spartan-1337 over a ledge right into the rear turret of a warthog. Sitting in the driver's seat was Private Hudson, and in the passenger's seat sat Private Vazquez with her rocket launcher.

"PUNCH IT!" Spartan-1337 ordered.

Hudson floored it and the warthog squealed down the dirt road leading to the top of the mountain. Spartan-1337 mowed down a set of pursuing ghosts as Vazquez fired well over 20 rockets into several wraiths without reloading, destroying all of them.

"Hey! Can't those things only hold two rockets at a time?!" Spartan-1337 asked.

"I don't know what you're on about sir!" Vazquez replied.

"It doesn't matter. We're almost to the top!" He could finally see their final destination. The top of the mountain was so close…

Suddenly a single bugger flew at the warthog, firing several shots from it's plasma pistol as it moved close to their right. Vazquez fired her rocket launcher at point blank. The blast instantly killed her and sent the warthog tumbling through the air towards a cliff off to the side.

"No no no NONONONO!" Spartan-1337 started to plead with physics in his mind.

The warthog hit the ground and bounced once, twice, then a third time before starting to roll. It landed on it's wheels and came to a rest just mere inches from the edge of the cliff.

Spartan-1337 breathed a sigh of relief. "Ok… We lost one but we'll make it. Move out!"

Hudson nodded. "Right. Let me just…" The warthog moved in reverse, right off the cliff.

Checkpoint reached…

"Oh come on!" Spartan-1337 started to rage before the warthog hit a rock and blew up.

Respawn

"No! I was so clo-"

BOOM

Respawn

"-se! Now I have to re-"

BOOM

Respawn

"-start! Gah!"

BOOM

With a heavy heart Spartan-1337 opened the menu and restarted the level, landing right back in the command center on the frigate. Before the commander could start talking he opened the menu again, pulling up the difficulty settings. He unselected normal and hovered his finger over easy, stopping short of pressing it. There was a long moment of silence, then Spartan-1337 spoke.

"No… I-I can't… DO IT!" He grabbed his hand and pulled it away from the easy button before collapsing to his knees. "If I did that, I could never look my fellow Spartans in their visors ever again… I wont do it! I am SPARTAN! THIRTEEN! THIRTY SEVEN! A WARRIOR OF LEGEND!" He punched the legendary difficulty button before jamming a finger against every skull he could find, dialing up the difficulty to mythic. "I WILL NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I GET SNIPPED! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES BAD AI SCREWS ME OVER! I WILL TAKE THIS MISSION AND COMPLETE IT! I WILL GET THAT TRUMPET NO MATTER WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

Spartan-1337 jumped through the ceiling, grabbed the T-Rex, and exited the frigate through the wall. He dived headfirst into the ground at the base of the mountain causing a deafening explosion. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" As he rose from the crater he was shot by every jackal sniper in the clearing.

Respawn

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Spartan-1337 finished his battlecry before getting to work.

He was shot by all manner of plasma fire, crushed by scarabs on more than one occasion, slammed into non-existance by gravity hammers, stabbed by energy swords, but every time the Spartan would rise and with a blazing fury he hammered his rage upon the Covenant forces, eventually ditching all manner of weaponry and using his bare hands to tear the aliens apart. On his final run he was beset upon by all sides, dogpiled by every soldier the Covenant had. But in his anger he blew them away, moving faster than a speeding bullet and striking with enough force to atomize anything he hit. Covenant ships fell from the sky under the sheer force of his might as Spartan-1337 killed anything and everything with one punch. Eventually, after an eternity, he arrived at the top of the mountain.

An unknown amount of time later...

Mountain Progress: 100%

Current Death Count: 1337

Mission Complete

Spartan-1337 reached the top of the mountain ahead of a trail of alien bodies. His fists clenched, his armor steamed, and his visor shined with the power of an anime protagonist as he slowly walked to the top.

The entire top of the mountain had been carved flat as if someone had sliced it off. A massive demonic pentagram glowed a blood red and seemed to darken everything else around it. There, sitting in the middle of the pentagram against a dark and cloudy backdrop, was a revenant. It was a demon of muscle and bone. A massive skeleton with only a thin shell of meat allowing it to move. It's armored chest plate was fused with a jetpack on the back and two mounted rocket launchers stood on either shoulder. It stood, a trumpet in its hands, and peered at the Spartan before it.

"YOU!" Spartan-1337 abruptly stopped and thrust a finger out to point at the demon. "You look like you have guts. Big guts. Let me show you 'em." He started to walk forward.

"Ho?" The revenant opened its mouth, it's words strained and raspey. "You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me? Even though your objective is just a trumpet, a pointless contrived venture conceived by your commander to waste time on april fools day?"

"I can't finish my mission without getting closer." Spartan-1337 replied, taking menacing strides towards his new opponent.

"Then come as close as you'd like." The revenant held the trumpet into the air and it disappeared in a flash of light.

"Hmm?" Spartan-1337 observed as the revenant was engulfed in a rainbow cyclone. Sparkles and color rained up the pentagram as the revenant's metal jetpack turned to brass, it's shoulder mounted rocket launchers morphing to become shoulder mounted trumpets.

The cyclone disappeared leaving the revenant flying in the air. It slowly floated to the ground. "Come Human."

Spartan-1337 darted forward and his fist crashed into the revenant's palm with explosive force, cracking the ground beneath their feet. The Spartan grunted in surprise as the revenant caught his fist and pushed him away before delivering a kick the the Spartan's stomach, sending him flying into a boulder. Before the dust from the destroyed boulder had cleared Spartan-1337 ran out and started pelting the demon with a flurry of blows. As if the Spartan was moving in slow motion the Revenant blocked each punch and kick effortlessly before straight up vanishing from his sight.

"Wha-" Checking his motion sensors, Spartan-1337 looked back to see the demon behind him, it's jetpack blaring and it's trumpets vibrating. Sensing a brutally powerful incoming attack he took out a bubble shield and activated it just in time to be enveloped in an impossibly huge wave of sound.

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" Both trumpets blasted a single note and the resulting noise sent forth a devastating wave of air and sound. The resulting shockwave sent Spartan-1337 flying off the mountain top, his bubble shield faltering and shattering around him. The doot destroyed the majority of the mountain. The land parted like water as an ever expanding cone ripped its way to the edge of the forerunner structure.

Spartan-1337 fell to the ground inside the cone and rolled to his feet just in time to see the Revenant's jetpack blaze in the distance before the demon closed the gap and went for a punch. The Spartan braced to block, but was never hit. Looking up he saw two very familiar teenagers holding the Revenant's fist at bay. One a brown haired man with a black shirt and white pants, the other a blonde woman with a blue and white dress.

"Huh?" The Revenant recoiled in surprise as it defended against the two newcomers as they struck the demon with incredible speed. Seeing their attacks were mostly ineffective, however, the two teenagers stopped and jumped back to land beside Spartan-1337.

"Guy? May? What are you two doing here?" Spartan-1337 asked.

"Who do you think was taking care of Loo, Sap, and Pom?!" May replied, readying her fists.

"Is that what their names are?" Spartan-1337 spoke mostly to himself, pondering a bit.

"We're also helping you kick demon butt so let's do this!" Guy yelled.

"Demon? But I'm the demon here!" Spartan-1337 complained. "I got the title from the Covenant and everything!"

"Woah woah woah hold up." The Revenant put his hand up, scratching his head with the other. "Are those… Teenagers? Moving that fast?"

"Yeah? What of it?" Guy responded.

"Yeah. It's not like some random teens of the street punching with enough force to level a skyscraper is weird or anything." Spartan-1337 nodded.

"Certainly not as weird as a talking musical instrument!" May countered.

The Revenant croaked out a long laugh before regaining his composure. "Fools! You are not dealing with the average demonic warrior anymore! For I am the DOOT Revenant! A meme of untold age and power! I was dooting long before you even existed, conceived in a time of DOOM!"

"Ok boomer." Guy muttered.

The Revenant hissed. "I will not have your modern terminology undermine my power!" The demon crossed his arms, the air around him suddenly glowing with a pulsating and shifting yellow light. The ground started to shake, sending massive cracks throughout the landscape.

"Woah… Impossible…" Spartan-1337 gasped.

"What does your helmet say about his meme level!?" May shouted.

Spartan-1337 growled, his fists shaking with anticipation. "IT'S OVER 9000!" He yelled to the heavens.

The Revenant finished powering up, it's trumpets taking aim. And in a blast of unrivaled destruction, they played.

D-D-D-D-DD-DDD-D-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO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The three human combatants were instantly blinded, Spartan-1337 taking out another bubble shield as the resulting blast seemed to atomize everything it touched. The entire forerunner structure was shaken to its core, the doot obliterating half the landscape in a nuclear flash of fire.

Spartan-1337 flew from the resulting mushroom cloud and bounced into the intact half of the structure, smashing through several trees and rocks before rolling to a stop. May and Guy fell right beside him, battered and bruised.

"This is ridiculous!" Guy grunted, rising to his feet.

"How do we even fight that?!" May rose as well, her breath heavy.

"Yeah… We're knee deep in the doot." Spartan-1337 was the third to crawl to his feet. However, he had somehow found a guitar on the ground. "But I got just the thing."

"How is a guitar going to defeat that thing?" May asked.

"You forget what franchise we're from!" Spartan-1337 started to pluck at the strings.

The Revenant flew into view and raised an eyebrow at the Spartan. Realizing what this was, the demon landed and started to warm up as well.

Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot…

Spartan-1337 started to riff, giving a slow but epic introductory section and motioning for the twins to join in. Getting the cue they started to sing, and the Halo main theme (Mjolnir Mix) started to take shape.

As the Spartan launched into the song, grinding the strings hard enough sparks started to fly, the Revenant dooted E2M1 as loud as it's trumpets would allow. Spectral giants started to form, a translucent green version of Master Chief appeared with an assault rifle in hand. Opposite to the Chief a larger more orange version of the Revenant holding a trumpet popped into existence as well.

The two titans started to fight. The Master Chief opened up with his assault rifle and the Revenant sent forth a continuous blast of doot from its trumpet. Bullets sprayed everywhere as the doot managed to deflect them, but was not strong enough to reach the Chief before it faded away. Spartan-1337 and the Revenant continued to play, their music only cementing their current stalemate.

Then there was a third music. Faint at first, but growing louder by the second. It was metal. Heavy metal. No, not heavy. Violent metal.

The sky lit up with a brilliant yellow light, a single black silhouette seen in its center. Both parties stopped to watch as descending from up on high Mick Gordon floated down, his lips curved into a gentle, knowing, and excited smile. As the man's feet touched the ground a third titan appeared, a red apparition of The Doom Slayer.

"Backup has arrived!" Shouted Spartan-1337. "LET'S DO THIS!"

The Revenant switched to E1M1 as both Halo and DOOM music filled the air. Blasts bullets and doots rained down upon the land as the special titans started darting around using every weapon in their respective arsinals to bring down the Revenant. It was a shed of planetary levels, their riffs battling with the doots and creating multi-colored shockwaves of their own. With the help of a heavy metal chior, they started to push the Revenant back. Seeing their chance Mick Gordon and Spartan-1337 nodded to each other, then BFG Division and The Warthog run started to play. The ghostly Doom Slayer pulled out the BFG and Master Chief pulled out a Spartan laser. Both super weapons started to charge up, the green ball of the BFG sucking in air and light while the Spartan laser began sucking it forward down it's targeting beam. The Revenant looked at both combatants in panic, charging it's trumpet for one final stand. They were about to fire when…

-Isabel-

| Nice fight guys! But the food is ready. Let's eat! |

Everyone stopped and stared at the new spectacle before them. Up on an untouched and admittedly beautiful hill, amid the lush grass, lay a picnic table decorated with a banquette of food. Sitting at the table, across from The Doom Slayer himself, was an adorable cartoony golden Shih Tzu who waved at them with a huge friendly smile. The Doom Slayer was holding a fork and a knife, pounding the table twice in hunger.

A smoking pelican flew in and crashed at the base of the hill and the entirety of Spartan Blue Team piled out, all carrying picnic baskets.

-Isabel-

| Glad you guys could make it! This is going to be the best meal ever! |

"We wouldn't miss this in our lifetime!" Kelly replied enthusiastically.

"Mission complete. Let's eat." The Master Chief said, sitting down at the table and unwrapping an entire basket of glistening bacon.

The Revenant, Mick Gordon, and Spartan-1337 starred in silence. Then a grumble was heard from beside the Spartan.

"I'm hungry." Complained Hungry, who was now just standing there with her siblings and T-Rex.

-Isabel-

| We brought enough dead Demons for your T-Rex to eat! What are you waiting for? Come join us already! |

"That settles it. A WARRIOR'S LUNCH IT IS!" Spartan-1337 ran towards the hill.

"I'm not gonna miss this!" Mike Gordon joined him.

The Revenant shrugged, then flew over to meet them.

The sun broke through the clouds and shined down on the hill as characters from three franchises and a musical badass all joked, laughed, and ate. The stomping of the T-Rex could be felt throughout the entire lunch as the 3 children and the Revenant played tag with it. All was merry and all was well, all except one thing.

-Isabel-

| Hey Chief? Why haven't you taken off your helmet? You gotta eat something! |

"Yeah John. We haven't seen your face since the Covenant war started." Linda spoke.

"Relax a little. It's all non-cannon." Fred said through the chews of a sandwich.

The Master Chief nodded, then reached up to take off his helmet. Everyone at the table reeled back in shock as the rays of God shined out from under his helmet.

"It's… BEAUTIFUL!" Spartan-1337 shouted, tears forming on his helmet.

"Would it be out of place if I composed some music for it?" Mike Gordon beamed.

-Isabel-

| O.O |

"Wow…" Linda said stunned.

"That's why you're the chief." Fred smiled.

"I'm going to ignore any medical ramifications of this. Amazing…" Kelly whispered.

Doomguy started to clap.

Sitting there, in place of Chief's helmet, was a copy of Half Life 3.

A/N: I think I went insane writing this. Hope you all like it! Usually I delete this april fools posts but I think I'll keep this one around. I tried getting Isabelle's text in a box but FF was having none of it. But we still got some Doots in! Doot and doot, until it is doot.