40Look at Me
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"We're gonna go to hell for this."
"Don't exaggerate, Red," Jason drawls through the helmet's voice modulator. "It's just a bit of deception, nothing new."
Thea glares at him. "Let me get this straight – your great plan to get into Apokolips is to trick one of the League members into coming into the Batcave, betray his trust, and use his technological implants to open a portal there?"
"No one and nothing else has the technology to do that," Barbara says firmly. "It's the only way we can get there at all."
Thea knows that but – really?
"I am so glad I'm sitting this one out." She's got the worst feeling, like this is one of those times they're making things so much more complicated than they need to be.
"But you'll still help us?" Barbara asks, a bit hopefully.
Thea purses her lips. "Yeah, sure. I'll help you in there and wait for you to come back – Alfred and I will make sure nothing that tags along with you guys stays alive. Just let me know when you're ready, and I'll activate the holograms."
"We're ready now."
She shakes her head. "If you're sure…"
,
"Mistress Alathea."
Thea jolts from her position in the chair. She turns to look at Alfred, watching her with that familiar concern in his eyes. He holds a mug of strong coffee in his hands that she gratefully accepts as she rubs her eyes a bit ruefully. "Thanks, Alfred. I guess I've gotten used to sleeping at night."
He sits down in front of her as she sips the coffee. The bitterness is familiar – not the strongest she's ever drank – but maybe no longer welcome; it's too much like the long nights, the hours on her own solving cases. It's too much like before.
"I take it Red Robin has been inactive for some time, then."
Thea traces the mug's rim with her thumb. "Just a few weeks, actually."
It feels like a lifetime ago.
"You and Master Jason grew closer there."
She lifts her gaze to meet his eyes, the only grandfather she's ever really known. "Does that worry you?"
Alfred regards her steadily. "Would it surprise you if it did?"
She laughs softly. "No. I actually expected someone to say something earlier than this."
She'd seen the question in Barbara's eyes the moment she and Jason rode into the Batcave together at the very first meeting. In Bruce, when she told him her plans to give up Red Robin – why should it though? It's not as if Red Robin ever meant anything good to her. Then again, it's not as if she ever told him that.
There's a lot of things she never told him. But she can. She can...
Should she?
"You have not had the best of histories," Alfred says carefully. "Yet you seemed on good terms tonight. Might I ask what has changed?"
"We are on good terms, Alfred." Thea hesitates. How much should she say? How much can she say? "Being away from Gotham … it let us take a step back from everything and … we get along." She shrugs. "Jason helped me out of a tight spot during a case, and we clicked."
She wants to tell Alfred how kind Jason is. She wants to tell him he makes Alfred's pancakes in the morning and whistles stupid little showtunes. She wants to tell him Jason saved her life every day after he rescued her on a rooftop when she should have died. When she was alright with dying.
(A part of her still is.)
Thea swallows and presses her lips together.
"Well, I for one am glad you two have made your peace with each other." There's warmth in Alfred's eyes that almost makes the words spill out of Thea but she's not sure of anything and all she can do is smile weakly at him.
"You're not – disappointed?"
"And why ever would I be?"
Thea makes a helpless gesture towards the equipment surrounding them, from the ceiling to the ground. "I'm leaving all this behind. I put in all that effort to help Bruce by being Robin and now I'll just be … tech support sometimes, if that."
"Mistress Alathea, I would never have wished this upon any of you. Perhaps I could not convince Master Bruce to do so, but it heartens me to know that perhaps one of you might be able to have a life away from this."
Her breathing hitches. "Alfred, I … I'm going to get my GED. Do the SAT – and I'll apply for college. I talked it over with Jason and he thinks it's a good idea. To get away from this and do something else."
"In this case, Master Jason is exactly right." There's something brighter in Alfred's countenance. "The two of you must visit more often. The Manor has become rather quiet – it would do Master Bruce good to see the two of you alive and well."
"And you?" she jokes.
"And I as well."
Thea almost agrees, almost gets carried away with the unexpected warmth, the tentative invitation to come back.
She remembers Gray.
Her smile wavers.
"Is something the matter?"
"Alfred, I…" Thea's heart skips a beat. Will she tell him? Won't she? If she tells Alfred, Alfred will inevitably tell Bruce, and oh God, what will Bruce do with that sort of news? "I don't think I can come over. I'm … sorry."
"Mistress Alathea … if it is because of Master Jason, I am sure if I speak to him–"
"No, no... It's not that, it's just – I can't. It's my fault, not Jason's."
She hates this. She hates their secrets and their lies and the way they tear their family apart. She's going to spend the rest of the time waiting for Jason and Barbara to come back with Bruce, lying her ass off because she can't gather up the fucking courage to just tell Alfred the truth.
Thea can lie to Batman – but can she be honest?
"I am sorry you feel that way," says Alfred, a bit distantly. "I am well aware that Master Bruce's behavior has not been … the most caring – and I admit that may be a failing on my part – but please, Mistress Alathea. He loves you. He wants nothing more than for all of you to be safe and within reach. You've made him so proud, Mistress Alathea, so proud and so worried. He has sorely missed your presence in the Manor ever since he returned, though he may not know how to say it."
God… Thea puts her coffee away, swipes at the small trail of tears starting to slip down her mask.
Ever-so-hesitantly, Alfred reaches out and lays his hand over hers. Unshed tears make his eyes shine bright as he looks straight into her. "Too much has gone unsaid in this family. It wouldn't do to let it go on in such a manner."
"Dammnit, Alfred," she whispers even as she laughs. "How's a girl supposed to keep a secret when you say things like that?"
"Not at all, I should hope."
"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you…"
"Mistress Alathea, I have seen more than most can ever have imagined." He pauses. "How do the young ones say it now? Ah, yes – 'try me'."
Her smile is strained. "I wish things were that simple."
"Many things are, in hindsight."
"There's nothing simple about this."
"Perhaps. And perhaps it is not. But, Mistress Alathea…" Alfred looks her in the eyes with so much concern and so much care it wrings out an ugly, sobbing laugh out of her. "No matter what has been said or done, you will always be part of our family."
Thea curls over and covers her face. She's too tired to cry again, despite the tears that well up. She breathes in and out, deep breathes, and she can't even look at Alfred when she talks again.
A whisper. "I have a child."
"Pardon me?"
Louder. "I have a child." She looks at him then, and she sees the stricken look on his face. A twisted grin twitches on her lips as she says, "With Ra's al Ghul."
"Mistress Alathea, that's–"
"Impossible? Ra's grew him in a lab. He's about nine now, or so he says. My son – Gray, Ra's named him Gray – he tracked me down in New York." She smiles softly. "He gave me flowers."
A whole fuckton of them. And he wrecked her apartment, but that conversation can wait another time or never at all.
Hopefully never.
"But how did Ra's al Ghul manage to create a child between the two of you?" Alfred looks entirely disgusted and frankly, it's not unwarranted. It will never not be unwarranted. It's entirely disgusting. "Why?"
Thea swallows. "He wanted a super-kid or something like that, so he took my genetic material. Gray … rebelled and sought me out."
Steel glints in Alfred's eyes. "Master Bruce must hear about this. That … that…" He stops sharply and looks away. It's a long time before he can look at her again. "Mistress Alathea, where is the child now?"
"Gray? Jason and I left him at one of my safehouses in New York. The emergency in Gotham wasn't specified, so I didn't want to bring him here in case there was a city-wide attack."
"Well," he says briskly. "Well. It should go without saying that you should bring him here. It would be – good, to know your son."
"Your great-grandson, of sorts?"
"Yes, although there is nothing 'of sorts' about it."
Thea sits back in the chair and thinks. Wasn't this what she was afraid of? That Bruce and Alfred might convince her to stay with them because of Gray? Of course, Alfred is saying isn't asking for some commitment to a permanent residency, but it won't be too far away from Bruce suggesting – or demanding – that they just stay here.
She bites her lip.
"I guess … Bruce and I can–"
Bright, reddish light explodes in the middle of the Batcave. Alfred and Thea run toward it where everyone has fallen: Barbara, Jason, Cyborg, Bruce, and–
Damian.
Barbara is screaming. Batman's suit is about to fucking destroy him, and Thea runs, she runs to her dad and–
"Don't make me choose!" Bruce cries out. Everyone is shouting – Batman, take it off, B, stop! – when he thrusts a shard into Damian's rotting chest.
Streams of light dance and twist as energy crackles in the air. It's blinding, deafening, and they throw their hands up to protect their eyes. When it dies down, Thea cautiously puts her hands down and stares.
Damian is alive.
,
The powers probably aren't permanent.
Thea watches the first few tests Bruce conducts on his newly revived son before hitting the showers and changing into civilian clothes. It's not until she goes up to the Manor proper that she runs across Jason. More specifically, he's sitting in her bedroom out of costume.
He scrambles to stand up and it's – well, it's endearing. "Hey."
She nods. "Hey."
"Well," he says with an awkward gesture, "I didn't die – again."
"I can see that."
"So, are we waiting until the sun rises, or do you wanna head back to New York?"
Thea walks towards the window. She can see Damian's wrecked gravestone from here. "I told Alfred about Gray."
A long silence. Then: "Oh."
She turns around. "I didn't go into everything, but … you were right, when you said keeping him a secret wasn't a good idea."
She could have done it, though: she could have kept it a secret from them forever. But is that any way to live, hiding who you are from the people who care about you? Maybe … maybe Janet's promise wasn't meant to be for everyone. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be forever.
Thea smiles weakly at Jason. If only there was a manual that could tell her what she should do with her secrets. There isn't one, though, and she's made her choice; all she can do now is … ride out the consequences.
"So, does this mean you're gonna talk it through with Bruce?"
"I'll have to… But he's got too many things to think about now. I'm surprised the signal hasn't been lit yet tonight." She chews her lip. "I wanted to tell him when he got back, once everything calmed down a bit. But Damian's back, and - and I don't think it's the right time anymore."
"Alfred will tell him if you won't."
"I know, but..." Thea closes her eyes for a long moment before she looks at Jason. "I just want to go back to Gray. Bruce needs to look after Damian, and I get that. He has powers we don't understand right now, but I can't just wait here for his life to calm down. When he finds out, he can call or message me."
"No offense, Thea, but it sounds a bit to me like you're running away." He moves closer to her until he stands beside her in front of the window. She can smell him, his concern, and she's tired. She's tired of everything.
"Bruce needs to look after Damian. He doesn't need this weight on his shoulders, too." Softer, she says, "I didn't expect you to get Damian back alive. It's not that I'm ungrateful, but it's ... it makes things different. I don't want Bruce to worry about me when he should be looking after Damian."
Jason nods slowly. He doesn't look entirely convinced, but she hasn't needed anyone to believe her for a while. "Yeah. Guess I'm not the only Robin to come back anymore." He glances at her cautiously. "So, I guess we're leaving right away?"
Thea nods. She wraps her arms around herself and knows this is wrong. But she doesn't know how to face Bruce, and … she's not strong. She's not – not now. Yet when she looks at Jason, all she sees is some sort of sad understanding as he wraps his arm around her.
Sometimes, it's okay … to not be okay.
"At least … you can tell Gray you've kept your promise."
"Please." Jason laughs. "I'm pretty sure that's an ongoing deal. He'd probably blame me if something happened to you ten years from now even if I was halfway across the country."
"Or on another planet?"
"Fuck, yeah. Kid would probably point a finger at me even if I was stuck in another universe."
Thea smiles. "I'll drive us back. Meet you at the garage in fifteen?"
"I'll see you there."
,
Thea finds Damian in front of Nightwing's enshrined costume, knees up to his chest, face buried in his arms. His entire body shakes.
She hesitates, for just a moment, before sitting down next to him. "Hey."
"What do you want, Drake?"
She looks at the familiar black-and-blue costume. "I miss him, too," she says, softly. "He was the best, wasn't he? The best brother?"
Somehow, Damian still manages to tut over that. "Of course he was. Must it even be said out loud?"
"The Manor is always colder without him," Thea continues, ignoring the bitter words. She takes a card out of her pocket and slides it towards him. "This is my WE card. It's a little outdated, but the two numbers at the bottom are still in use. If you ever need someone to talk to, or somewhere to go… you can contact me, okay?"
Damian muffles a sniffle.
She stands up. "Jason's waiting for me. We're heading back to New York." She pauses, smiles sadly at the little boy grieving. She doesn't dare give him a comforting touch, can only hope her words can be enough. "Goodbye, Damian. It's good to have you back."
"Thea."
She turns around at the sound of Bruce's voice. He's out of costume and there's something about him, like he's … uncertain.
"Yes, Bruce?"
"We need to talk."
"Jason's waiting for me."
"He can wait a little longer."
Thea huffs a little but gives up. What can he want to talk about that will take too long, anyway? She follows him up a level of the Batcave and watches him lean on the railing overlooking the main floor.
"Alfred told me about … your child."
Thea blinks. He did? Already? "Oh."
Bruce's voice is strangled. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I…"
"Thea, I am your father. These are things I should – God, that I should know about." He looks at her then, and there's so much pain in his voice when he asks, "Why were you afraid to tell me?"
"I only found out about him yesterday."
Bruce blinks, nods. "And ... the father?"
Thea takes in a deep breath. She looks out beyond the railing at the Cave, at the lower floor… Anything but Bruce. "Ra's kidnapped me." She doesn't look at Bruce, can't know how he's reacting besides his scent: aggression, laced with … fear?
"He raped me."
Surprise – and then anger. So much outrage, in his scent alone.
"Why?" His voice is raw when he finally speaks. "He wouldn't have had to do that, unless–"
"I'm an Omega," she finishes. And she does look at him then, looks him straight in the eye, and repeats, "I'm an Omega." She throws him a bitter smile before shifting her gaze again. "He found out while I was looking for you. I lost my spleen – did you know that? – and he found out when they needed to operate on me."
"Thea, no … the forms – your scent…"
"My mom lied when they wrote up my birth records – and I lied, too, in the adoption papers. That's what she taught me. It's … how she protected me."
"But your scent is–"
"Gone? Non-existent?" Her mouth curls into an ugly grimace. "I wasn't eating right when I moved out. And then I found out that your body stops producing scents when you've got little enough weight. It was a good solution to a tricky problem."
Bruce is silent.
She's telling him this, telling him the truth. There will be consequences, but fuck that. Fuck all of that. She's tired, and they're already having this conversation, and she doesn't want him hearing it from anyone else.
Too much has gone unsaid in this family.
"Jason saved me. I would've died if he hadn't decided to take me in." She lifts her eyes to meet his. "I'm leaving Red Robin behind. I can't do it anymore, especially not if I'm going to raise Gray. I'll help Jason out as support sometimes – I'll need to make a new name, but that's alright – but I'm going to get my GED. I want to go to college."
Bruce nods slowly. "I won't stop you, but … won't you stay here?"
Thea bites her lip. "Bruce," she says quietly, "You're destructive. I know you don't mean to hurt us, but you do and you do it in some of the worst ways. I can't let Gray grow up around that."
"Thea–"
"No, Bruce, please. Jason told me about what you did in Ethiopia. I can't let that happen around Gray. I'm sorry, but … you don't handle grief well, or your rage. It spills over to us, and I'm just … I can't."
Bruce is devastated. The truth hurts, but it feels almost cathartic. She told him, and the world didn't end. She told him, and he didn't turn into a growling Alpha from her nightmares, about to lock her in her room.
"I'm sorry," he says.
She turns away from him and starts walking. "Jason's waiting for me in the garage."
Bruce follows behind her and she tries to relax. Everything's gone civilly so far, and it feels … open, like anything can happen. Bruce might need a while to fully process everything, but there is no aggression or any particularly strong sign of possessiveness.
"Will you visit?" he asks.
"I don't know."
Thea focuses on walking. They don't come across anyone on the way and it isn't long before they reach the garage. Jason leans against her car's driver's side, already waiting. He doesn't visibly tense when he notices Bruce, but she can smell the apprehension. She throws him an apologetic expression before saying, "Hey, Jason. Did you wait long?"
"Nope."
"Jason," Bruce says by way of greeting.
He tilts his head to the side, dips his head down once. "Bruce."
"I told him," Thea says quietly when she passes by him on her way around to the driver's side.
Jason nods again.
"Thank you." Bruce approaches Jason awkwardly, standing in front of his prodigal son. "For taking care of – your sister."
"No problem, B."
Bruce clears his throat. The silence is awkward, but no one knows what to say, really.
"Well, I guess we'll be going now," Thea says when no one else seems ready to speak. "Goodbye, Bruce."
"Goodbye, Thea. Jason … thank you, for going after me."
"Sure," Jason mutters, waving him off as he gets into the passenger's side. "Just take care of the brat. Pretty sure I saw 'im crying in front of Dickiebird's suit earlier."
Thea smiles faintly even if Jason does slam her car's door a little too hard. "Goodbye, Bruce."
He walks back to her and – and hugs her tight. "Goodbye, Thea. Call me when – whenever."
Thea blinks, her breath hitching, before she hesitantly wraps her arms around him. He's warm, like always, and smells like himself. She revels in it, in the familiar sense of security, for a second before pulling away. "I will. Goodbye."
They drive out of the Cave and head for the main highway. Jason and Thea are tired, but she has just a little more to say.
Thea lightly touches the special communications device that connects to her safehouse. "Gray."
A small crackle in her ear. "Yes, Mother?"
"Jason and I are heading back now. I'll see you soon." She hesitates. Takes in a deep breath. "I love you."
A short pause.
"I love you, too."
When he doesn't seem inclined to say anything more, she closes the frequency and smiles.
"That's one lucky kid you've got," Jason mumbles with his eyes still closed.
Thea raises an eyebrow amusedly. "I'm glad you think so."
"Wake me up in an hour and I'll take over the wheel."
"Sure."
Thea drives through the streets in the early morning and takes a deep breath in. It's almost dawn. Once they're far enough away from the Gotham air pollution, it's a beautiful sight.
It's a beautiful day.
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The End
Author's Note: So many thanks to everyone who's favorite'd, followed, and/or reviewed! I would not have gotten anywhere near this far without your encouragement and feedback. I am definitely not done with this AU, but it might be a while I return to it.
(I've honestly changed so many different scenes and dialogue between the different drafts for this that I think my perspective's gone a bit skewed, but if you guys like it, then I'm happy).
Goodbye for now!
