Chapter 6

Jennifer entered a few more numbers into Colonel Sheppard's file and hit save. She sat back and thought over the last day and a half. She'd gone from declaring her friend dead to saving his life. She'd been amazed when she'd discovered that Atlantis had partially healed him, focusing of the brain damage and only able to further the healing of his broken ribs and wound slightly faster. He'd explained that overdoing it would overwhelm his body and it would all have been for nothing. She'd gone from despair to hope to euphoria and then had hit the ground hard when John's ex-wife had called her abilities into question. She was still worried about what the woman would do. None of her accusations would hold water, but she'd seen how the IOA worked. Actual proof had never stopped them before. She was roused from her reverie by someone clearing their throat behind her. Putting on her best doctor's smile, she turned to find the woman she'd just been worrying about standing in the doorway of her office.

"What can I do for you Ms. Kingston?" Her voice was professional but held no warmth.

"I was hoping I could talk to you for a moment?" This was not the strident woman Jennifer had met so briefly and so disastrously. Her voice sounded hesitant and maybe a little sad. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear what the woman had to say but her innate curiosity won out.

"Of course, please come in and have a seat."

Nancy moved into the office that looked more like a lab but didn't sit, nervously washing her hands together. "I've come to apologize to you. I have no excuse other than I was scared out of my mind. John…John has always been important to me, from the moment we met. I'd forgotten that until I saw him die in front of me."

"He's important to us too." Jennifer crossed her arms across her chest. Nancy instantly recognized the move as defensive and felt a stab of remorse.

"I realize that now. I've had a chance to calm down and talk with John. He's filled me in on how good a doctor you are and how gifted a scientist."

"He said that?" Jennifer smiled for the first time. She knew she and John were friends, but this was the first time that she'd heard that he admired her and it felt good, going a long way to relieve the self-doubt this woman had raised in her.

"He did. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I wanted to let you know that I won't be making any trouble for you, or anyone else, here on Atlantis. In fact, my report will only reflect how dedicated and talented the people I met here are."

Jennifer dropped her arms. "That's good to know. The people here have faced many hardships and have never given up. They're an exceptional group of people." Except maybe Kavanaugh, she thought, but didn't say out loud.

"So I've seen." She held out her hand. "Please, I would like us to part on a happier note."

Jennifer stood and shook her hand. She wasn't going to hold a grudge but she would be happy when the ex-Mrs. Sheppard left Atlantis. Her presence was unsettling and she didn't like unsettled. "I wish you well Ms. Kingston."

"Nancy."

"Jennifer." Nancy nodded once and left the lab/office. On her way out, she ran into Carson Beckett coming in.

"Well, lassie, what are ye doin' here? Everything okay?" She could hear the worry in his voice. No doubt he was concerned that she was making more trouble. She smiled at him

"Yes, Carson, everything is fine. I was just in apologizing to Jennifer. The way I treated her, and all your staff, was inexcusable. Will you extend my apologies to them as well?"

The relief on his face would have been comical if she didn't know it was her that had made him so worried. She held out her hand. "I'll be leaving for the SGC this afternoon and I'm not sure if I'll ever see you again. I want to let you know that it was a pleasure to meet you." Carson took her hand and covered it was his other one, not shaking it in the traditional way but trying to convey the comfort he seemed to sense she needed. She felt a lump rise in her throat. John hadn't followed through on his threat to send her home early and she'd spent a lot of time in her room, alone and thinking. Something that had left her reimagining her future. She was going to stay with the IOA but would be spending less time working and more time trying to build a personal life again, one that didn't revolve around work dinners and political parties.

She left and continued on her self-appointed rounds. Next up was Dr. McKay. She'd finally read those dossiers that she'd thought she was so smart to avoid. His had stated that he was a genius but notoriously hard to work with. What she'd seen since she'd arrived here would seem to be the opposite. His concern for John had been heartfelt and not what she would have expected from the cold hard words on paper. She asked for directions to his lab from the next person she met and was pleasantly surprised when the man went out of his way to lead her directly to it. Apparently, the word had gotten around that she wasn't going take John away and most of the personnel had relaxed their attitude towards her. They didn't go out of their way to be friendly but at least they weren't overtly hostile anymore.

They parted ways at the entrance to the lab and she heard McKay's voice. "Ronon! Don't touch that!" His tone was strident and impatient. If she hadn't seen how he was with John, the report on him would have seemed spot on. She knocked on the open doorway and the two men inside turned to look at her. Ronon was here as well. That was good, she'd kill two birds with one apology. "What do you want?" McKay asked. She had to smile at the pugnacious tone of his question.

"May I come in?"

"Yes, yes, it's open, isn't it?"

Ronon just stared at her impassively, not saying a word. These would be two of the tougher sells. The toughest she had left for last. "I've come to apologize to you, both of you, for the way I behaved. I don't expect forgiveness but I do need to tell you I'm sorry."

"Fine. Don't let the Star Gate hit you in the butt on the way out." McKay turned back to his work but Ronon continued to stare at her.

"Mr. Dex?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Why?"

"Why what? Why did I do what I did or why am I apologizing?"

"Yes."

She sighed. "I'm far away from home, in a galaxy I had no idea, until very recently, that we even had a presence in. I walked through a glowing puddle in Colorado and emerged on another planet. I was then broken down into atoms and rebuilt on the bridge of a ship that no one on my world was even aware we had the technology to build. I was then beamed down to Atlantis and within seconds, saw a man I never thought to see again, someone I still care deeply for, die right in front of me. I think I lost my mind for a while there. I thought I was prepared, so confident that reading all the material about the technology we oversee, was enough. The reality was oh, so different. Then I was led on several wild goose chases around the city just as I was trying to regain my equilibrium. It's not a good excuse, but it's the best I can offer. As to why I'm apologizing, well let's just say I've seen the error of my ways."

Ronon continued to stare at her. Finally he said. "Okay." An Earth word he'd picked up from Sheppard and found worked wonders to convey so many things.

"Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay."

"Okay."

She turned to leave when his voice sounded behind her. "He's a good man and the best commander I've ever served under. He took me in even after I threatened him and Teyla. He gave me a home, something I'd given up on ever having again. You would have had to take him off Atlantis over my dead body."

She looked back over her shoulder and nodded. "I know." She replied quietly.

She walked out of the lab and heard McKay say behind her. "Well, that was different." She had to smile at the words. The more she saw of the eclectic group of people here, the more she realized she'd missed out on a wonderful opportunity by going off the deep end and alienating them. The smile dropped from her face as she girded herself for her final humbling apology. She would apologize to Mr. Woolsey and the man in the gate room when she presented herself for transport back to Earth.

She wandered a bit, realizing she had no idea where to find her quarry. She finally stopped a marine and asked. "Can you tell me where I might find Teyla Emmagen?"

The man narrowed his eyes at her, making no attempt to hide his suspicions about his CO's ex. "Why?"

"I just need to talk with her before I leave. There's something she needs to hear."

He thought for a moment and then nodded. "She'll be teaching this time of day, come with me." He had no intention of letting this woman near Teyla without him there for protection. Nancy practically had to jog to keep up with him. She suddenly realized she heard something that sounded like sticks beating together and looked around for the source. The man led her to the open door of what appeared to be a gym and she discovered where the sound was coming from. Teyla, dressed in a skimpy outfit that made Nancy feel dowdy, was engaged in a heated battle with sticks, against a man twice her size and weight. She watched, amazed, as the small woman danced her way around the bigger man, landing blow after blow without taking so much as a single hit herself. When she caught the man behind the legs and he went down, she reached down to help him up.

"You must watch my eyes at all times. If you get distracted, you could end up dead instead of sitting on the floor of the gym."

"Yes ma'am." He noticed that they had company but Teyla hadn't seen them yet.

"Would you like to go again?"

"Um, ma'am? I think there's someone here to see you." He pointed at the doorway. Teyla turned and froze at seeing who was waiting there. She hadn't seen John's ex-wife since that day in the infirmary. She spent all her free time with him and the woman had never returned. John had taken it upon himself to apologize for Nancy's behavior but it was not his fault, as she kept telling him. She took a deep breath and turned back to her student, placing a hand on each shoulder. She leaned forward and he met her midway. Straightening, he gathered his equipment and left the room, motioning to the marine to go with him. The man just shook his head no and went into parade stance. His CO's mate would not be left unprotected.

Nancy stepped into the room and hesitantly asked. "Teyla? Do you have a moment to speak with me?"

"Of course. What can I do for you?"

Nancy swallowed hard. This was the most important one and the one that she felt would be the hardest to get out. She instantly decided that she would be honest with the other woman, about everything. Somehow, she had the feeling that this was someone not to be trifled with or lied to, someone who would respect honesty, no matter how hard it was to hear. "I've come to apologize for the way I treated you. I'm ashamed of my behavior and wanted to let you know this."

"I see. May I ask what you hoped to accomplish by taking John back to Earth? Why it was so important?"

Nancy hesitated and looked at the marine standing in the doorway. "You may leave Sgt. Stackhouse, I will be fine." Teyla said.

Stackhouse pursued his lips and then opened his mouth to decline. Teyla beat him to it. "Phil, I will be fine. I am in no danger from her."

Finally he nodded and began to move away, saying as he went. "I'll be right outside ma'am. Shout if you need me." She smiled and nodded.

When he was gone, she turned back to Nancy. "Very well, we are alone. What do you wish to say to me?" Nancy looked around the gym and found a bench seat. Beside it was a playpen and she realized Torren was sleeping in it, unfazed by the sound of the fighting that had been going on around him. Seeing her looking at her son, Teyla said. "He is teething and exhausted by the pain. The only one who seems to be able to calm him is John and he cannot stay in the infirmary with him all the time. I cannot leave him alone and I have responsibilities I need to attend to. So, he comes with me when he can. If it is not appropriate, there is no shortage of people willing to babysit him."

Nancy nodded. "I wasn't criticizing you Teyla, I just happened to notice him for the first time. Look, can we sit for a minute?"

"Very well." Teyla inclined her head, every inch a leader used to respect. The two sat and she waited. When the silence dragged on, she asked. "Did you not say you had something to say to me?'

Nancy had been staring at the playpen watching the soft breaths of the child as he slept. Without thinking, she blurted out. "He's beautiful." She wasn't aware of how wistful she sounded and Teyla's heart thawed a little.

"I think so, as does John."

"He wanted children, you know. But I kept putting it off, worried about how it would impact my career. My career. I think..I think a part of me knew our marriage would never last. We were too different. It was my choice to end it, even though I still loved him and he kept telling me he loved me and wanted to keep trying. He was away so often, in dangerous situations that he couldn't tell me about. He'd come home, exhausted. Sometimes physically, sometimes mentally. I was alone so much, that I became so wrapped up in myself, in what I wanted, I never saw how much I hurt him until it was too late."

"John told me that you remarried. Did you not want children with your new husband?"

"That's the irony. At first, I did but he didn't. He wasn't interested in being a father and I let him talk me into thinking I didn't want to be a mother. That I had better things to do with my life." She paused and looked at Teyla. "I don't know about your world, but on mine, a woman doesn't need to have children to be considered a success and to be fulfilled with her life. I thought I was one of those woman. Then I came to Atlantis and saw John die, then come back. I thought I was being given a second chance. He'd been on my mind a lot after my marriage to Grant fell apart. Then I heard you talk about him and knew that you loved him. I heard your friend talk about your child and I don't think I've ever been so jealous in my entire life."

"Torren is not John's biological child."

"I know, he told me and I can tell you that it doesn't matter one bit. That child is his son no matter who his actual father is. That came through loud and clear." She tore her eyes away from Torren and met Teyla's. "Look, I came here to tell you how sorry I am about the way I treated you. You deserved better and I can only say, that this is not who I usually am. It was like I lost my mind. I knew I was being completely out of line but I couldn't seem to help myself."

"You wanted John to go back to Earth so that you could care for him, hoping he would come to love you again." Teyla stated it as fact, not a question.

"You really are insightful." Nancy sighed. "Yes, that's a large part of why I wanted him to go back to Earth. My concerns over his health were legitimate. I had no knowledge of the medical personnel here and my only thought was to get him back to familiar surroundings."

"Atlantis is familiar surroundings."

"I understand that now. I've already apologized to Jennifer, Dr. McKay and Mr. Dex. My behavior was inexcusable and I threw myself on their mercy. Some were more forgiving than others."

"Rodney."

"Yes. What's the story with those two? They don't seem to be compatible at all. Yet, Dr. McKay obviously cares about John deeply."

"Yes, it is an unlikely friendship. I would even go so far to say they think of each other as brothers. Brothers who annoy each other, fight constantly but instantly close ranks when something threatens them. I have seen Rodney grow over the years due to this friendship. They have absolute faith in each other."

"John has a brother back on Earth. I've been told the two of them were inseparable as children but then something happened."

"Their mother died."

Nancy looked surprised. "He told you about this?"

"Yes, we hold no secrets from each other."

"John never told me, it was Dave who gave me the background on how they came to be estranged. John has, or had, a hard time talking about his feelings. I think he closed himself off after his mother died, feeling isolated in his own home."

Teyla finally smiled, knowing that the John she described still appeared now and again, but he was making an effort for both her and Torren's sake. He'd made great strides in that area, his ability to give and accept a hug without feeling uncomfortable was evidence of this. "He's a good man, Teyla. I wish you every happiness but I won't lie to you. If I thought I had a chance with him, if I thought he wasn't happy, I wouldn't hesitate to do everything I could to take him away from you. Unfortunately for me, I've come to see he's happier than he's ever been and that includes when we were first married. It always seemed like he was waiting for something. I've spent the last few days thinking and realized that that no longer seems to be the case. I think it's you he's been waiting for all his life. I'm glad you found each other." It hurt to say it but she actually did mean it.

"I think I have been waiting for John all my life as well. I remember when I first saw him. He was unlike any man I had ever met. I knew he was going to mean something to me but we ended up in a situation where he was unwilling to take the next step. There have been others for both of us over the years, but they never felt quite right."

"What situation?"

"He was my commanding officer. Your military has strict rules about that. My world does not have a military so I did not understand at first. I thought he was just not interested, so I hid my feelings and began a relationship with another of my people. I will never regret having Torren but there are times I wish John was his father in all ways." She was surprised at her confession to this woman.

Nancy was surprised as well. "I wish…I wish things had turned out differently Teyla Emmagen. I think, under different circumstances, you and I could have been friends." She stood up and held out her hand. Teyla stood as well. "Can you accept my apology? It doesn't mean forgiveness, just accept that I truly am sorry."

Teyla looked at the hand reached out to her and lifted her eyes to Nancy's. "My people do not shake hands as your people do. It is unheard of here. The Wraith feed upon us through their hand." She took a step forward and put a hand on each of the other woman's shoulders as she'd done with her sparring partner. She leaned her head forward and Nancy mimicked what she'd seen him do, gently placing her own forehead against Teyla's. They parted and Teyla said. "That is the traditional greeting amongst many of the people in this galaxy. It can mean many things. In this case, it means I accept your apology."

"Thank you." Nancy decided it was time to go, she didn't want to wear out her welcome. She'd done what she'd come to do and gotten so much more out of it than she'd hoped. It had almost been cathartic. She walked to the doorway and then turned around. "Goodbye Teyla."

"Goodbye…Nancy." The two smiled at each other and Nancy left, picking up the marine guard who was waiting outside the gym. He straightened when he saw her and nodded. She wondered how much, if anything, he'd overheard and hoped it didn't get back to John. She might as well make use of him as she was hopelessly lost again. She had one more stop to make before heading back to her room to pack.

"Sgt. Stackhouse, would you mind leading me back to the infirmary?" His eyes narrowed at her again and she fought an urge to either roll her eyes or break out into hysterical laughter. He turned and she followed. When they reached the familiar area, she stopped and said. "I can take it from here, you don't need to guide me anymore. Thank you for your help."

"It's no problem ma'am, I'm happy to see you safely to the infirmary." And keep Sheppard safe from you, he added in his head.

She smiled and nodded, pretty sure she knew what he was thinking. "As you wish." They continued on in silence. When they reached the familiar room, he didn't stop at the door, instead following her inside. She sighed softly, knowing she had no one to blame but herself.

She made her way to the curtained area that John lay behind. She heard voices and a woman's laugh. She knocked on the metal surround and waited until John called come in. She stepped inside to find the woman whose niece he'd saved sitting in a wheelchair by his bed. The laughter in her eyes died away and Nancy swallowed. She turned to the man in the bed and asked. "John, could I speak with you please?" It felt like she'd said that over and over today. John looked at her closely and then, satisfied by what he saw, nodded.

"Maylara, would you mind leaving us alone for a bit? We can pick up your story later, I want to hear the rest of what happened with the fermented fruit."

"Are you sure John?"

"Yes, thank you for asking."

The woman turned her wheelchair away from the bed and made her way between the curtains, having become more adept at maneuvering with it. Jennifer had already said she would give her the instructions on how to construct these and that she could take one of their extras back with her to use as an example, to be returned at her convenience when they had perfected the manufacture. Dr. McKay had even offered to come to Strallos and figure out what local materials to use for each of the parts. She completely ignored the woman who had created such an uproar amongst her new friends. Nancy and John watched her go with smiles on their faces, although for different reasons.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Nancy turned to find him watching her warily. She sighed and sat down without being asked. She was tired, not just from walking all over the place today, but from the stress of apologizing to so many people. "I wanted to let you know that I've apologized to Jennifer, Dr. McKay, Mr. Dex and Teyla. You were correct, I had no right to say or do the things I did. I'm truly sorry John."

"How did they react?"

"Other than Dr. McKay, they all accepted. Him, I'm not really sure what happened."

"Yeah, that's Rodney."

She looked at him closely, he appeared in even better health than he had when she'd seen him last. She couldn't fathom how he could go from being declared dead to sitting up in bed looking like he was ready to get up and take on the world. "I need to give you my apology as well. I now know that this is where you belong. I didn't understand that and I'm sorry I caused so much trouble in the short time I've been here."

"I'm glad to hear that Nance. I hope I'm correct in thinking that you really thought you had my best interests at heart."

"You are, although there was a selfish component in there as well. I wanted you home where I could see you more often. I wanted to find a way back into your life. I can now see that your life is here."

"Thank you." He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "So, do you still think Atlantis is nothing more than an inanimate city?"

"Yes. I'm not sure why you feel so strongly that she's alive, but it doesn't appear to be harming you so I'm willing to let it go."

"Gee, thanks ever so much." They looked at each other and started laughing. He sobered first and asked her something he'd been worrying about. "Nance, can I ask that you keep that little piece of information out of your report? The last thing I need is for the IOA to swarm in here either trying to find out if I'm right or if I'm off my rocker."

"You have my promise." She looked at her watch. "I need to go back to my room and pack. Thank you for not sending me home early. You were right, it would have been a black mark on my record and I've worked really hard to get to where am I."

"Are you happy with where you are?"

"I thought I was. Now, I'm not so sure. I plan to stay with the IOA, for now, but I plan on making some serious changes when I get home."

"Good. Look, let me know how you're doing, will you? Drop me an email now and again? The IOA has my email address." He still loved her, just not in that way. They'd had a life together, flawed as it was and she would always be part of his makeup.

"I will. Thank you John, this could have gone so differently. I…I like your Teyla. I told her I think we could've been friends under different circumstances."

He smiled. "Yeah, I think you could have."

She stood. "Goodbye John." She stood uncertainly, not sure if she should shake his hand or kiss him on the cheek. An idea came to her and she smiled. Leaning over his bed, she put a hand on each shoulder and inclined her head towards him. His mouth dropped open and then he grinned that crooked grin that took her breath away and brought his forehead gently to hers. She straightened and hurried away, not wanting him to see the tears in her eyes. The marine was still waiting for her and seemed not to know what to do when he saw the tears streaming down her face. "It's okay Sgt. I promise, I didn't hurt him."

"No ma'am, I don't suppose you did. Would you like me to escort you to your quarters?"

"Would you mind?"

"It would be my pleasure."

"You're a nice young man."

"Thank you ma'am."

"Or at least you would be if you'd just stop calling me ma'am. You make me feel like I'm 100 years old! Please, either call me Nancy or Ms. Kingston."

"Yes ma…I mean Ms. Kingston."

"Let's go, I need to pack. I have a puddle to catch."

Stackhouse smiled at her and led the way out of the infirmary, turning her in the right direction of her rooms. Neither were aware that both John and Maylara had heard their conversation. Maylara had made her way back into John's 'room' and they started to laugh when they caught each other's eyes.

Back in the guest quarters, Nancy packed quickly and looked at her watch. She had about a half hour to kill until she had to leave for the scheduled dial out and she had a feeling no one would welcome her hanging around the gate room, getting under foot. She decided she'd get a head start on her report to the IOA. She'd meant what she'd said to Jennifer, the report would be nothing but glowing, if not downright effusive. She'd also keep her promise to John and make no mention of his belief that the city was alive. She booted up the laptop and tried to open the report template. When a video file opened instead, she sighed and said. "Not again. I've given in! I've apologized to everyone. There's no need to show me any more 'John is great' movies!"

"I have no intention of showing you anything like that Ms. Kingston." Nancy stared open mouthed at the woman looking back out at her from the screen. John's mother's image tilted her head at her. "You seem surprised to see me."

"You could say that." She muttered.

"I am sorry to hear that." Nancy looked carefully at her laptop, the camera and the speaker both showed as off. How was this woman responding to her words?

"Who are you? Really?"

"I have told you who I am. John has told you who I am. I am Atlantis."

"I can't believe that."

"Why?"

"Because it's just too fantastical to be true."

"Like traveling millions of light years to another galaxy in a microsecond? Like traveling on a spaceship that moves through hyperspace after having been beamed up from the surface of a planet not your own? Like encountering a race of beings who feed on humans through their hand? Like having a gene that allows you to use technology that is inert to others?"

Nancy blinked. When put like that, she shouldn't believe any of this, but she'd experienced it. Well, except for the Wraith part and she wasn't unhappy to have foregone that particular encounter. She swallowed. "Why John?"

"He is the Custos. And even if he were not, he has an exceptionally strong gene and is able to connect with me more strongly than any besides my makers. Add in that he just so happens to be a good man and how could I not chose him? Did you not?"

"Yes, I did but then I let him go."

"You regret this, yes?"

"Very much."

"Then you must understand why I was not willing to let him go?"

Nancy shook her head, realizing she was talking either with a sentient city or someone who had not only been able to hack her incredibly secure laptop but put video and sound surveillance equipment into her room. With John in no danger of going back to Earth, what would be the value in that? "You really care for him, don't you?"

"I love him."

"You…you love him?"

"Yes. My makers programmed me for many emotions and John has evoked many of them." The woman raised an eyebrow. "You have evoked some as well."

"Yeah, well, I can guess which ones."

"They have not all been bad. I can sense that John cares for you and I have to believe that someone he cares for cannot be all bad."

"Thanks, I guess. Why did you want to talk with me again?"

"To say goodbye and to wish you well. John has asked you to stay in contact with him. I hope you will follow through on that, it would mean a lot to him."

"I plan on it." Taking a deep breath she said. "Goodbye Atlantis. Take care of him for me? Take care of all of them?"

"I will. Goodbye." With that, the report template popped up on her screen in the woman's place and Nancy found she missed her. Deciding the report could wait, she powered down the laptop and placed it in her luggage. She spent her remaining minutes deep in thought, wondering what to believe but finding that her trust in John was making her lean towards his being right. The city was alive. Not in a human sense, but close enough. When it was time to make her way to the gate room, she stopped and looked around the room again.

"Goodbye Atlantis." She said again softly. Somehow she wasn't surprised when the lights dipped low and then back to normal. She patted the wall and headed home.

~,~,~,~