Note: This is a sequel to the "Step It Out Mary" chapter from Ness Frost's SSSSynesthesia Project, that also has three sequels published only on Archive of Our Own ("Friends of a friend" and "Stranger in a strange land" by Aliax, "Good Girls" by Lazy8 (same human being as Ness Frost)), so here's a quick "previously on" to avoid a very complicated catching up:

In that medieval fantasy universe, Emil is a trans man born the daughter of a noble family. He faked his death to run off with his lover Lalli, and took advantage of the necessary identity change to start living as a man. Mikkel knows of his real fate due to having helped with it. Sigrun is a friend of Mikkel's who was asked to get the two lovers to her home compound and train Emil for combat. Sigrun's compound is mentioned to also house plenty of young women abandoned by lovers they had once ran off with that Sigrun has encountered in previous travels. Reynir was mentioned to be Emil's servant in the first one-shot, but disappeared from the story quite quickly.

Warning: As mentioned above, this a sequel to "Step It Out Mary" in both plot and spirit. Due to the plot of that particular chapter, there will be extensive use of Emil's birth name, and both mention and appearance of people who still consider him female. There is also a few moments of dodging the question of his transidentity to make things easier on someone who just found out he faked his death. I've also been told that there are general big and small mistakes induced by my limited knowledge of the subject, so please don't judge things too harshly.

Time to adjust

-You heard me. She's dead and had made no mention of you. Now the two of you leave right now and take that baby with you!
The old man's words were still resonating in Emil's mind as he was watching Lalli giving little Janine milk, while sitting on the bed of their hired room. Sigrun could only bring so many of her charges back to her home compound. So, she had found an abandoned large farm, gotten it restored and converted into an easier to reach refuge for them. Then that had started to get full, and the neighbors were reluctant to part with the land that would enable them to expand it. Emil had gotten the notion of visiting the families of some of those girls, in hope that at least one of them missed their daughter and actually wanted her back. If he could find just one such family, it would be one more person that the farm would be able to take in, and one step towards changing how Plains people as a whole dealt with such situations. Sometimes, there had been both a daughter and a grandchild to welcome. And sometimes, unfortunately, just the grandchild. Emil hadn't believed their luck when after almost running out of relatives, one of Janine's aunts had accepted to take her in. But in the time it had taken to go back to the farm, pick up Janine and bring her to her new home, the aunt had died. There were no more family members they could turn to. They were going to have to bring Janine back to a farm that was a handful of men abandoning the woman to whom they had promised the world away from getting overcrowded. The conclusion to which Emil came was obvious:
-Sigrun is going to need a third location soon if she wants to continue that operation of hers. We should go tell her ourselves right after we bring Janine back to the farm.
-Dalsnes is closer. We take her with us, we tell everyone why we still have her. We tell them about Helena. They will listen better and the people at the farm won't have to take care of her for more time this way.
For someone who didn't like being around people much, Lalli could have surprisingly good ideas on how to get them to listen. There was just one little detail that was worrying Emil:
-It's been more than nine months since we last went there. We never got to introduce Helena to them. Everyone is going to get ideas.
-It has been less than a year. She's five months old. And has brown hair.
Brown hair was one the things that was impossible for their hypothetical offspring, as both of theirs was a variant of blond. In practice, the main thing that their hypothetical offspring could not do was exist. Getting reminded of what body he was born with once a month was more than enough, as was still needing to bathe with the women back at the farm. Emil sighed:
-It will only temporarily solve the problem. And I'm not sure anyone will be able to take her.
There was no such thing as "older children" in the farm yet, and the next age bracket up covered the youngest girls, including the junior among the mothers. Because of this, Helena's death had been all it had taken for the farm to have one too many orphans compared to the number of women willing to take orphans in as their own. Helena had genuinely been what Emil was far too often mistaken for: a woman who just happened to like a few things that were usually reserved for men as far as most people in the Plains were concerned. The farm took all the guards it could get, but most of the girls who came to live in it had been taught that fighting was for men only and weren't surrounded by proofs of the contrary like the ones brought to Dalsnes were. In addition to this, far too many men applying to guard a place full of girls of marriageable age assumed that food, board and clothing were not intended to be the only benefits of the job. There had been some who understood what was expected of them perfectly well, but only just enough to keep the threats to the farm, both human and troll, at bay. Helena had been more interested in being a guard than in actually running the farm. Her training hadn't prevented her from delivering a healthy baby girl. Unfortunately, another ward's former lover had decided to that the mere fact that she was still alive was a threat to him. He'd gone out of his way to find the farm and sneak into it. Helena had managed to drive him away, but not without a fight that had left her badly injured. She'd died just a few hours later, after personally asking two of her fellow guards and good friends to bring her daughter to her family.

Thoughts that surprised Emil himself started shaping in his mind. Just a few years ago, anyone suggesting this would have gotten a dagger pointed at them, because he knew they wouldn't have brought up the subject during a conversation with a "real" man. But things worked differently at the farm than in most places in the Plains. Many of the guards turned out to be the type of man who, once they no longer felt that someone who would disapprove was looking over their shoulder, actually enjoyed caring for babies and spending time with young children on their time off. The farm sometimes felt like it was just as much a refuge for them as it was for its wards. Given the choice, this had turned out to be the kind of man Emil wanted to be as well. Helena had moved into the farm quite early into her pregnancy and Emil had had plenty of time to befriend her before Janine was born, in addition to one of the few able to give her fighting advice. Because of this, he'd always had a soft spot for Janine over any other children at the farm. Yes, he was definitely considering it now. He was going to need to discuss this with Lalli over dinner. He couldn't make that decision alone, after all. So… how was he going to breach the subject? Lalli spoke, startling him on two different levels:
-We could take care of her. Not just until we go back to the farm. Until she's grown.

Fortunately, Sigrun had good news for them:
-Don't worry, I was starting to figure out you were running out of space down there and that having most of them taken back by their families was a long shot. I've been laying things out for another refuge. Actually, one of the healers visiting us right now is available to work there until we find someone more permanent. He and his apprentice are staying here until they can leave with a larger group headed for the same area. I was actually about to send someone down to the farm to see if any of its older wards would be willing to move there to help out the new ones we are inevitably going to take in. Now that you're here, I can just have you ask them when you go back there. I'd offer you to go guard the new place, but I'm afraid it's a little too close to a certain somewhere.
Emil knew what she meant. In another life, his uncle's castle had been about a few weeks' worth of travel away from Dalsnes. But everyone there thought he was dead, and for all intents and purposes, the girl they had all known was no more. Sigrun pointed at Janine:
-You can have her sleep in the nursery if you want. Or would you prefer a crib to be taken to your room?
Emil and Lalli had said "crib" at the same time. Sigrun smiled:
-If someone had told me I would get an extra honorary niece by the two of you a few years ago… on the other hand, I shouldn't be surprised that you ended up taking one of the farm's orphans in. You three probably need to rest now, and I have other things to attend to. I'm expecting to see you at dinner tonight.

Janine had fallen asleep with her head on Emil's shoulder as soon as they had left Sigrun to her own devices. She had given them their usual room in the guest quarters, and told that the new healer and his apprentice were in the room next to theirs. It was good that she warned them, because his binder was starting to feel quite uncomfortable and he could use a few hours without it, as well as his armor. After a long day, he sometimes literally took them off the second he was sure nobody else that didn't already know was around. The reason his hands were too busy to do so anyway made him realize something:
-How are we going to explain her about me when she's older?
-We tell her it's not a bad thing, but some people think it's weird, and that weird and bad are the same thing.
His family members insisting he was confused and would "grow out of it", if it was acknowledged at all. That had had been among the reasons it had taken running off with Lalli to be able to live as his true self. Because of this, he had been both extremely grateful for and extremely baffled by the fact that Lalli had both understood and accepted it despite the fact that they didn't share any language at the time. But he wasn't sure what Lalli was suggesting would work on a child. On the other hand, the only way of doing things he actually knew to not work was the way his own family had dealt with it. For everything else, all they could do is observe other parents or try it themselves.

They reached the door to their room and Lalli was about to open it when the one leading to the next room let someone out. Him? Emil really dreaded Sigrun's hobby of trying to surprise people at times. It could be only reason she hadn't bothered to mention the visiting healer's name:
-You are looking well. May I inquire as to what you have in your arms?
Unexpectedly running into the one person besides Lalli to have been part of both his lives, that person being a natural teaser and having the encounter happen with a newly adopted baby daughter in his arms was one of the worst combinations of factors he could think of. As Emil was trying to shape an answer that wouldn't leave Mikkel too many openings in his mind, he noticed another person through the small space between Mikkel's arm and his room's doorway. He only had time to notice a relatively high stature and a tuft of infrequently-encountered red hair before the new person elevated his standards on the worst combination of things that could happen simultaneously:
-Lady Mary?
Fortunately, the door to their room had been left wide open by Lalli and Mikkel was able to drag Reynir in there without much difficulty right after Emil dashed in.

He really needed to take his binder and armor off, and it was probably best to talk to Reynir with as much of his old appearance as he could manage in such short time. Reynir had been sitting in a chair completely dazed last time he had checked, and this was why he was taking time to make himself a little more comfortable and presentable in the first place. Emil came out from behind the room's screen and sat in a chair facing Reynir, who still seemed unresponsive. He decided to glare at Mikkel, who, as usual, stated the obvious:
-I only took him in recently and the two of you no longer live here. I did not expect your presence.
-Fair enough, we didn't give her much warning.
-You… knew?
Emil was startled by Reynir's voice yet again. At least, he wasn't in a daze anymore. Reynir's eyes, after briefly giving Mikkel a perplexed look, directed that same look to Emil:
-Why?
-It was this or dying for real.
He realized too late that his reflexive answer, while true to some level, had probably been beyond Reynir's comprehension of the situation. His guess was that as far as Reynir understood things, Mary Västerström had just turned out to have faked her death and was now wearing shorter hair along with more masculine clothes. He didn't realize that she had never really existed, and that Emil was the one who had come close to dying from suffocation. Reynir now looked worried rather than baffled:
-Did someone threaten to kill you if you didn't do it? Who was it? What did they want?
Emil briefly wondered where he got that idea, but quickly realized that this was a logical conclusion from taking his answer literally.
-Don't worry, it was nothing like that. Doing this was my own decision.
-I don't get it. You just said that you would have died if you hadn't done it.
Fortunately, Lalli, who had so far elected to stay out of the discussion to tend to Janine, slid next to him and whispered into his ear:
-The fungus story.
These words reminded Emil that he actually had already come up with an explanation for eventual people recognizing him from before, but had completely forgotten about it the second he had heard Reynir's voice. He now knew what Sigrun meant when she said that elaborate plans for hypothetical situations are good to have right until the moment the situation in question actually shows up. Emil cleared his throat before continuing:
-A fungus that grows everywhere around both my parents' and uncle's castle was making me sick. People that can be made sick by it are quite rare. I knew something was wrong, but people didn't believe me and were persuaded I was imagining things. Lalli over here recognized the symptoms and told me it was slowly killing me and would continue to do so unless I left for a place that didn't have it. I thought it would happen when I would get married anyway, but the husband my parents had chosen for me lived somewhere where the stuff's toxins are more potent to those in my situation and would have killed me faster than those back at my uncle's place. So I ran away. Letting everyone think I had died was the only solution I saw to keep people from looking for me. Lalli knew how dangerous it was out there for a young lady used to living in castles, so he stayed by my side. I guess it's no use hiding from you that we have grown quite close since then. Mikkel helped with my escape and sent a friend of his to take us somewhere safe. I believe you've already met Sigrun.
Emil had been initially reluctant to use a disease as an explanation, but found something that suited him when some healer whose name he didn't remember had informed him that plenty of diseases were actually reactions to circumstances over which the person had no control. This had sounded very close to home, on several levels, at the time he had heard it. After that, the "disease" being something only he noticed while it was dismissed by everyone else safe for Lalli and Mikkel had come as a natural extension to the tale. Reynir stayed silent for a few moments, then looked a Lalli:
-Thank you very much for saving my Lady, sir.
After a few extra moments, Reynir seemed to realize that there was crib in the room, got up from the chair, wobbled to where it was, looked at Janine, then at both Emil and Lalli with an inquisitive look. Emil explained the situation for both Mikkel and Reynir's benefit. Reynir raised an eyebrow:
-You don't have one of your own yet?
Far too many people still asked that question, due to the fact that Mary would have been expected to already be a mother at his age. He had an answer to that question, that had proved to be double-edged. On one hand, it gave some people the wrong idea about the reason why he was living as a man. On the other, it consistently prevented people from asking a second time. Delicately wrapping his arms around his belly in a gesture that looked instinctive to most, and stating that the toxins from the fungus had already done some permanent damage usually did the trick.
-Sorry. I… need to go back to the room and think a little.
Reynir wobbled out of the room. Emil saw Mikkel start slowly clapping:
-Impressive. I know this is not easy for you.
-As much as I would like to catch up with you and get any news from home you have, we really need to rest and I think the time during which we will be doing so will be best used on keeping Reynir from being completely clueless at dinner. We can't have him use my old name. At least get him to call me "Emily".
Over the years, his situation had become one of those conversation subjects that were completely open within the confines of Dalsnes and the farm, but were on a need-to-know basis outside of these places. Some had figured out or outright knew he had only started living as man upon his arrival in Dalsnes and had countered his refusal to disclose the name given to him by his parents by nicknaming his former self "Emily". There were also people who only understood him as a woman dressing as man, or understood his situation, but were persuaded he was confusing it with simply being in Helena's situation due to the much higher gender role segregation in the Plains. Such people hadn't found anything better to call him than "Emily" either. Because of this, he had taken to save the name as a stepping stone for eventual people who would treat him as female simply because it was what they had done when they knew him before. Mikkel interrupted his thoughts:
-He may actually be readier to hear it than others. Five people have already mistaken him for a woman from behind. If I understand your situation correctly, one aspect of it is that being addressed as woman feels wrong to you.
-Good to know. But unless you tell me he's completely okay with same-sex couples as well, it may be a good idea to wait a little.
-We did come across a couple of women who were very obviously together a few weeks ago. I didn't notice any particular reaction one way or another when I explained their relationship to him.

As Mikkel was catching up with Sigrun at a higher table, Reynir, sitting at a lower table, had found the perfect topic to discuss with "Emily". The subject made sense whether they had met just a few hours ago or grown up in the same castle: which women from the farm were likely to move to the refuge in which he and Mikkel were going to work for some time:
-And then there's Vivian, I think her son just turned three. Last time I checked, she was getting tired of basically being second in command among the wards. Though I would be sad to see her leave, she's one of the few that seems completely okay with… never mind.
That "never mind" thing again. It was the third time.
-Is there something you're not telling me?
Mary ruffled her hair:
-Looks like I'm as lousy at hiding it as I felt I was being.
She sighed:
-Yes, there is something I'm not telling you. But it will be as difficult to swallow as the fact that I'm still alive and I'm assuming you'll need time to adjust to that. Mikkel seemed to think you would be able to handle it, though.
Reynir saw her point, but didn't like the idea of something still being hidden from him:
-How about I sleep on it and answer you tomorrow?
-That will do.
A couple came up to Emil and Lalli's side of the table. The man came to sit in the empty space next to Lalli, while the woman sat on Mary's side:
-Hey, funny story. We just dropped Per at the nursery and there was a new kid there. I asked Randi who it was, and she told me it was yours.
Mary didn't seem particularly happy to see the woman:
-She's adopted. You know where we work, right?
-Still, I thought that caring for children was a woman thing in the lowlands.
-We are both taking care of her. As the two of you are with your son.
-So, considering no longer insisting upon being addressed as man yet, Emily? You realize you are putting Lalli, Sigrun and anyone who wants to get along with you in a delicate position, right? Not to mention those that are actually in the situation in which you believe to be.
-I know in which situation I am, thank you very much. Are you here for any other reason than dancing my daughter around as a support to your world view, Astrid?
-The usual invitations, so you don't completely cut yourself from the female community here and don't find yourself without any friends once you get tired of pretending you'd rather hang out with the men.
Reynir didn't quite get what they were talking about, but Astrid's last words brought back memories of playing with a much younger Mary who had dressed in tattered boy's clothes to avoid getting her fine dresses dirty. It hadn't lasted long before her parents had found out. Mary replied with an amused smirk on her face:
-You know, I may be interested in that invitation. When my daughter gets too old for the nursery.
Astrid got a victorious look on her face, got up on her feet and put just enough distance between herself and Mary to be able to point at her:
-Aha! I knew you weren't actually a missed man! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! If you were the real deal, you'd be considering the possibility for you daughter and not make her hang around with the women at such a young age.
Mary actually looked at Astrid for the first time in the entire conversation:
-Wasn't one of your arguments against me being the real deal the fact that it's extremely rare? I never said that I wouldn't watch for the telltale signs. But I do want my daughter to know about all possible environments available to her and be able to tell me which one suits her better.
Before Astrid could answer, Lalli had stopped eating and started pulling on Mary's sleeve. Mary jerked her head in his direction and stood up along with him, supporting his arm. Astrid grabbed Mary's shoulder:
-As usual, that husband of yours needs to leave the room when you're losing an argument. Leif, you had just one job, and it was keeping Lalli busy.
The man that was sitting next to Lalli was supporting his other arm:
-Only on the off-chance that he was pretending. He is not. Let go of Emil, Astrid.
Astrid sighed, and let go of Mary. Reynir asked if the needed any help, only to be told they would be fine on their own and to bring their daughter to their room once he was done eating. Once they were gone, Astrid and Leif sat down where Lalli and Emil had been and started eating. Reynir couldn't help asking Astrid what her argument with "Emily" had been about.
-I know who you are, you're with that healer Sigrun is chatting with. Lowlander, I assume?
He nodded.
-So let's do basics, in that case. Do you know what a missed man is?

The little girl had somehow managed to get hold of his braid, and was now happily playing with it.
-You like it, uh?
What Astrid had told him had given him a lot to think about, both about Mary and himself. Without really noticing it, he was progressing toward Mary and Lalli's room as slowly as he could without actually standing still, just to stretch the time he would have to think about it before talking to her. Or rather "him" given the situation. He thought he would be able to change how he addressed her, but it was going to take time for it to come naturally, if ever. For every argument that Astrid had had to support her belief that "Emily" had gotten being a "missed man" and a woman liking masculine activities confused, Reynir would have been able to deliver a counter-argument if he hadn't been supposed to pretend to have just met his former Lady a few hours ago. Facts that he hadn't noticed himself, he had heard being reported by others. He also finally made the connection with everyone suddenly starting to use the fact that he'd decided to let his hair grow out more than most men as an excuse to throw strange insults at him once Mary's mourning period had been over. He had also figured out that this was very likely to be the "never mind" that Mary hadn't wanted to spring onto him on top of the fact that she was still alive. If that was the case, he had to tell her that he had been informed of it. He realized that he was now in front of Mary's room. He knocked.
-Come in.

Lalli was lying on the bed, sleeping soundly. Mary was sitting next to him, in clothing that confirmed his suspicion that she had showed up at dinner with her breasts flattened under her clothes.
-What was happening earlier? Reynir asked.
-He sometimes gets these really bad headaches. The only stuff that really works on them also completely knocks him out.
One of the implications of what he had found out about from Astrid only hit Reynir at the moment. If Mary had been considering herself a man all this time, then… okay, now he definitely understood why she hadn't wanted to tell him everything at once. Mary came up to him and took the child out of his arms:
-Thank you very much for bringing her. You look a little tired yourself. Dining hall a little loud for you?
-I talked with Astrid. Found out a few things.
Mary sat on the bed again, and sighed:
-It's not really a secret for those that live here long enough, but I still would have liked to tell you myself. Whatever you decide to do about it, I'll understand. The only thing I completely forbid you from doing is telling people back home. I've met too many people who couldn't forgive their daughter for a single mistake that wasn't entirely her fault to be optimistic about how my family would take it if they knew.
-I… think I'm mostly okay with it. It's just that… the idea of addressing you as man feels weird to me right now. And that you have a husband makes things even weirder.
-Believe me, I was the first surprised that I liked him. Before I found out that men could be interested in men, it briefly made me wonder if I had figured out my situation correctly or not.
Reynir only realized then that Astrid's arguments against Mary being a "missed man" had not included the fact that she was married to a man. He now knew what Mikkel had meant when he had told him that such unions where no different from those between men and women to some people. He really needed to go back to his room to think all of this over.
-Good night, my…
As much as he tried to do it, the word "Lord" just didn't come out of his mouth. Between hearing it from Leif and talking with Astrid, he had figured out that "Emil" was her actual new name. He would try again the next morning.

Reynir woke up to Mikkel packing their bags:
-Good, I was about to wake you. The group with whom we are supposed to leave is heading out early. They are leaving an hour after breakfast starts getting served.
He saw neither Mary nor Lalli in the dining hall, but ran into Astrid and her husband, who promised to tell them that they had had to leave early. He was only able to explain the situation to properly to Mikkel once they had been on the road for a while. Mikkel's reaction surprised him:
-Honestly, it may actually save a lot of trouble for both of you.
-What?
-Emil still gets extremely irritated each time he's addressed as woman, he just got better at hiding it over the years. But he also figured out that letting people start addressing him correctly in their own time once they find out goes a much longer way than simply getting mad at them each time they address him wrong. Because of this, finding out right before needing to part ways with him, but having a decent chance to see him again is one of the better things that could have happened: you have time to come to terms with it, all while not risking to rub him the wrong way in the meantime. Don't worry about seeing him again. If it weren't even worse with Sigrun, I would think that fate was insisting that I regularly cross paths with him and Lalli.

Note: You're free to decide on whether Janine's mother is the same Helena as in Broken Bridges or not. At some point, I realized I was naming a combat-capable female who died before the beginning of the story, so of course the would-be assassin from one of my other fics came to mind.