212The healing process was a process marred by bumps, twists and turns, often taking several sharp detours that resulted in a variety of emotions, ranging from motivated to dismayed. The path wasn't clear and there were no lights that led the way, instead, relying on one's intuition and personal support group. Healing from a physical wound, as Midoriya had discovered, was challenging, but the only obstacle in his path was his patience. Muscles would regrow, bones would realign, and aches would - eventually - fade. Medication would mask the symptoms, until the day came in which the symptoms were just... gone.
Mental wounds were a completely different story.
Midoriya already knew how psychological injuries could scar the mind, having experienced various cuts to his self-confidence throughout his schooling career when he was younger - a result of his former quirklessness. The road to recovery was a long and arduous journey that left anyone walking it exhausted, on the verge of collapse, barely clinging to the illusion they'd sought after. Even after all the progress that had been made, Midoriya had only barely begun to feel improvements in himself, the shaky reality of his condition slipping into his daily activities like a thin coat of ice. Most days, he still had the lingering thoughts from his days in middle school, which weighed down on him like an anchor pulling him down to the darkened depths of his depression.
"My concern is that you could be suffering from a condition known as PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
Recovery Girl's quirk really was amazing; the unbelievable things it could do, the life it could restore - it was honestly a miracle worker's quirk, even if she said otherwise. The drawback could be harsh, but it was fair trade for the injuries it could reverse. However, like every quirk that existed, it had limits - not that it made it any less remarkable. Though, it was limited to physical wounds, unable to touch those that plagued the mind.
In other words; this was something that Midoriya had to do without her aid.
She, of course, offered herself as a psychiatrist, should he feel as if he needed it. While the school did offer those services, she also knew that he might not be comfortable sharing his story, and talking with someone he knew would be better for him, as opposed to subjecting himself to further scrutiny. Realistically, he knew that it was unlikely he'd be judged for his revelations, but one could never really be too sure when the plan came to fruition.
And, while he felt unworthy of all her attention, he promised he'd let her know if he had to talk to her, which he meant. He felt guilty - but he didn't feel ashamed. Time would be good for him, but at the very least, he knew he had someone to go to.
The first few days were difficult, as he knew they would be. His mother originally insisted he take a bit more time off class, however, his stubbornness ended up getting the best of him when he realized the gap between the rest of the class, and himself, was growing ever more prominent. At his insistence, he received the clearance from Recovery Girl, and just one week after regaining his memory, he was allowed back in class.
Everyone, expectedly, freaked out - in a good way. They swarmed him, smothering him in hugs and pats, despite his discomfort, until Iida predictably told everyone to scatter, and 'provide Midoriya with the proper, and necessary personal space', which he appreciated immensely.
He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but his breathing had quickened and the familiar rush of power that he'd come to know as One-For-All had begun tingling deep within his muscles, ready to activate should he accidentally lose control. And that was the first instance he realized - he wasn't as okay as he thought he was. Physically, he was intact, if not a little sore and achy.
But he wasn't as whole as he'd once been. And that scared him.
"Midoriya...?" Slowly - almost hesitantly - he turned to face... nothing. He blinked, unsure if he was just hearing things - a worrisome sign that he might be going crazy. A giggle affirmed he wasn't hearing things, or by extension, losing the fragile remnants of his sanity. "Did you forget I'm invisible?"
There was a pause, before Hagakure seemed to realize what she'd implied. "I-I didn't mean... gah... I'm sorry!"
"W-what...? Oh, n-no! It's okay... s-sorry, I'm a bit distracted..."
The girl seemed relieved, sighing as she leaned forward. Though it was difficult to tell purely on her clothes alone, she seemed much more relaxed knowing she hadn't accidentally offended him.
"We could tell," Ojiro said from behind Midoriya, causing him to jump in his seat. When had Orijo gotten there? He tried to ignore the tingling that danced along spine, the tensing of his muscles, as he replied.
"I-it's been a long day." He even added a weak laugh in, trying to diffuse his nerves a bit.
Hagakure and Ojiro both vocalized their agreement, discussing a few of the lessons they'd heard in class, lightly debating whether or not to do the homework due next week, with Midoriya feebly adding his opinion in. There were several moments, hanging in the air, where he opened his mouth to insert a thought, but something tugged at his heart and, very slowly, his mouth closed. Slowly, but surely, his weak smile broke down, fracturing altogether, as a quiet voice whispered in his ear.
'They don't care that you're here.'
He blinked, eyes widening as the thought danced through his head. Quickly, he rubbed his eyes, playing the voice off as a result of his lack of sleep. The past few nights, he'd been rather restless, so perhaps it was just a side-effect...?
It seemed that neither party noticed, as they remained focused on their conversation, only pausing when Ojiro seemed slightly embarrassed about something Hagakure seemed to say. Otherwise, they gave no indication they knew what the injured boy was thinking. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he was bothered by that or not.
Suddenly, surprising himself, he spoke up.
"I just remember I..." He trailed off. What was he doing? He didn't have to do anything. It was lunch time, and there was nowhere he had to be; no obligations. But yet... "I-I have to see Recovery Girl for something." Both Ojiro and Hagakure seemed surprised at his sudden departure, but nodded in understanding (at least, Ojiro seemed to nod).
"See you later, Midoriya!" Hagakure said animatedly, while Ojiro just smiled softly and gave him a light wave.
With a wobbly smile, he nodded, and fumbled his belongings together, ignoring the stinging guilt that seemed to radiate throughout his chest as he walked away from his innocent-minded classmates, none the wiser. Why did he feel like he had to get away? It was almost like he was a caged animal, trapped in the corner as people gawked, pointed and stared, no place to run. No place to hide.
He swore softly to himself, the foreign, acidic touch of the curse sizzling against his tongue. It wasn't common that he swore, especially considering the type of person he was, and those that he hung out with. He'd seen Mrs. Mitsuki punish her son enough times to warrant a well-placed slice of fear in his heart. That wasn't to say he never cursed, however. When the situation was enough, those crude words would find their way out, one way or another.
The wafting smell of lunch called to Midoriya, yet, his mouth didn't salivate like normal, nor did he feel particularly hungry. In fact, he felt somewhat... ill. A little nauseous, perhaps. Fleetingly, he glanced into the cafeteria, spying out several of his friends and classmates already forming the line for Lunch Rush's creations, but despite a part of his brain telling him to go with them...
Another part told him to stay away.
'They don't want to see you. They had all that time away from you, and were just fine. You'd only be breaking their rituals - their daily routine. It's better to stay away. They don't miss you.'
Midoriya hesitated. One foot stopped mid-step as he stared at them. Uraraka. Iida. Kirishima. Tsuyu. Mineta. They were laughing; enjoying themselves. A low voice snuck back into his head, cackling softly as it whispered darkness in his head, filling his mind with insecurities. They didn't really need him around. He would only be getting in their way. Squeezing into a place that maybe - just maybe - he didn't fit into anymore. Who wanted to care for a broken mess? A fractured kid who could break at any given moment?
How many times had Bakugou told him that when he was younger? He was, what, a Deku?
Slowly, he withdrew from his approach and began backtracking.
Things didn't change just because he assumed a quirk. He'd been captured - taken - causing them to worry incessantly about him. He'd been an inconvenience; ruining their day with the reality of what fate had befallen him. Their joy in his return was as much a weight off their backs as it was a relief to him. Now that he was back... it was back to their usual lives - but that was the problem, wasn't it? He wasn't part of those rituals anymore.
How long had he been gone, anyways? The days had been coming back to him painfully slow, like molasses dripping off a spoon, but he had yet to remember a true number. His mother, of course, had a number - one she'd probably memorized. Painful as it was, a part of Midoriya knew that his mother would never forget that number, either.
Someone - Sero, most likely - bumped into Midoriya's still body, ushering out an apology, though it fell on deaf ears. A stray bundle of tears prickled at his eyelids as he fumbled his way backward, ignoring the way that a few students looked at him with concern, before he turned in 180 degrees and averted his eyes. He didn't need One-For-All to escape the scene, opting to practically sprint from the cafeteria, tears falling freely, splashing toward the ground and dampening the trail he wove himself, bringing back faint memories of middle school.
Whether by intention or not, Midoriya found himself coming to a halt in the midst of a clearing, just beyond the entrance to U.A., but just within the towering gates that kept the students safe inside - and the rest of the world out. Several trees, mostly decorum, stood tall, and Midoriya found himself wandering toward a large bundle of trees that made up the garden of U.A.
It was difficult to discern whether or not anyone followed him, but at the present moment, he didn't particularly care - it wasn't as if anyone was actively seeking him out. He'd made a scene, but thankfully, it wasn't witnessed by a large group of people.
'They won't follow you. After all... why would they want to?'
"S-stop..." His whimper was weak, mellowed out by the tears that damped his voice. Whether he intended or not, his voice lacked anger - instead, sounding like a faint plea to someone standing above him, grinning maniacally upon his fragile body, ready to strike him again and again. A new wave of tears began to dribble helplessly from the boy's eyes, ignoring his attempts to stifle the flowing emotion.
He slowly stumbled 'deeper' into the garden, sniffling thickly as he tried to dab at his eyes in a vain effort to clear his eyes of any tears. The sun that bathed the campus became thinner, filtered out by the thick canopy of the trees, making it so that it weakly flittered across Midoriya's form. Taking a seat at the base of a tree, Midoriya sighed heavily, the last of his tears falling. He sniffled again, drying his eyes, knowing that his eyelids were probably glowing red from all the crying he'd done. His cheeks were certainly raw, and while he didn't have a mirror, he was sure that he looked pretty terrible.
The temperature was much cooler in the shade of the trees, as Midoriya noticed. Without the sun bearing down, it felt... comfortable in the shade. Almost serene.
"Are you alright?"
Midoriya yelped sharply, not expecting to hear a distinctly feminine voice. His body went rigid, his quirk subconsciously flooding through his muscles, but receding like a wave in the ocean, as it had nowhere to be directed. Quickly, Midoriya began looking around, trying desperately to calm his breathing.
Strangely... he found no one. Faintly, he wondered if, maybe, the voices he was hearing in his head was a sign of his mental stability crumbling.
But then, the feminine voice returned. "Up here."
Following the voice to the source, Midoriya blinked in surprise, noticing a girl with iconically green vines as hair, sitting in the tree above him. Luck, as it seemed, had a funny way of revealing itself. The girl - whom Midoriya recognized as Ibara Shiozaki - appeared concerned, and using her vines, she slowly descended from her position high in the tree. "I'm sorry to have frightened you, that wasn't my intention, I promise."
"N-no, I... I'm sorry! I d-didn't mean to intrude!" Midoriya responded quickly.
Shiozaki came to a resting stop as her feet delicately touched the soil, the concern still radiating from her visage like sunlight. She gave Midoriya quick glance, studying his features - slightly unnerving him, admittedly - before kneeling down so that she was eye-level with him. Staring into her eyes, Midoriya could see the multitude of emotions that shimmered within her black iris.
Concern. Curiosity. Sympathy.
"I truly apologize for any inconvenience I might have caused you by startling you," Shiozaki said sweetly. Somehow, she managed to sound so pure, making Midoriya feel worse for being intimidated by her presence. "Had I known better, I would have reacted in a more appropriate manner."
"P-please!" She blinked and hesitated as Midoriya blurted out his thoughts. "D-don't worry! It's my fault!" He paused, realizing what he'd said. "W-what I mean is... I intruded on y-your lunch. This place... is obviously yours, a-and I carelessly barged in. If anyone should apologize... it should be me."
A soft smile crossed Shiozaki's face, and if possible, her aura brightened further. "Ah, I don't mind your arrival. Many people don't appreciate the gardens like I do, so if you feel comfortable here, I wish for your return. It's a place of solace, is it not?"
"I-it really is," Midoriya agreed immediately. "The breeze is so soft, a-and... it's a quiet place. I like it." He added as an after-thought.
"It pleases me to hear you say that."
"But..." Shiozaki's face turned sad. "Why is it that you appear to be in turmoil?"
"A-ah... t-that's..."
Part of him wanted to come clean. Honesty, after all, was always regarded as the best policy, and there was no reason that he had to not confide in the sweet girl. She was willing to help - she was, of course, in the heroic department as well as he was, and she'd displayed kind-hearted tendencies from what Midoriya had observed during her time in the Sports Festival. Unlike some of Class 1-B, she didn't harbor a grudge, nor hard-feelings toward his class, and genuinely wanted to help - whether it be him, or someone else in need.
But... he frowned, biting his lip in the process. Was he really willing to drag another person down? There'd been enough people affected by his careless kidnapping - there was no reason to bring another person into the complex maze of emotion that came with the truth. He'd hurt enough people... bothered enough people. He didn't need to afflict anyone else with his problems. It was his fault he'd been captured, and it was his fault that he'd lost his place amongst friends.
"Ah... I see now."
Shit! Midoriya's eyes widened. Did I just... say everything...?
"Please... may I share my thoughts with you...?" Shiozaki whispered.
Did he mind...? He'd already - unwittingly - revealed a lot to her...
"I... i-if... you'd like?"
She smiled softly. "Thank you." She folded her hands in her lap and bowed her head, averting her eyes from sight. "I... admit, I am unfamiliar with the various emotions you must be feeling. But, if I might be as bold as to suggest my thoughts... I'd share with you that you are no such burden. And that... what you're feeling is... normal."
Midoriya's eyes widened. Normal...?
"Understandably... you are frustrated. No... perhaps that's too strong a word. You are confused? Or, shall we say... apprehensive." She nodded suddenly, a look of fleeting satisfaction flashing across her face. "Yes, that's it. Apprehension. You must re-integrate into your life, and, while I do not know how long you were gone, it is an arduous process to reconnect with the things you were pulled so violently from."
A gentle sigh worked its way from the young girl's mouth as she peaked up from her position, the tenderness in her eyes appearing even softer as the sun caressed her caring gaze. Her hands remained folded in her lap as she spoke once more. "You are not a burden to those around you. I understand it's difficult to believe me, but, what is it you believe that makes you a burden?"
Midoriya was at a loss for words.
Then, the thoughts he held within came tumbling out. "I... I-I caused them to worry. And now that I'm back... w-where do I fit into everything? I feel like I'm intruding on their lives."
He felt himself sniffling again, and wanted to curse his untamable emotions, but Shiozaki's peaceful hum interrupted any thoughts he had. "I could be mistaken but... you leaving them alone... is that not you kidnapping yourself?"
"I... wha...?"
"After all, they waited for your return, I'm sure. They've expressed their joy in your arrival. Truly, they simply wanted you back, safe from harm. But now, you are kidnapping yourself from them... because you are afraid." Midoriya opened his mouth - possibly to apologize for his selfish views, possibly to protest - but was shushed softly by Shiozaki.
"I'm not saying that you were selfish. You have every right to be apprehensive... to take your time returning. I believe that you might have rushed yourself, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're okay. It's alright to not be alright."
"I-is it though?" Midoriya asked weakly. His thoughts flashed back to middle school, back before he had the warm comfort of One-For-All, and All Might at his back. Had he really ever become okay? His smiles had become genuine - no longer forced - but that didn't mean he had come to peace with everything. In fact... he hadn't really put much thought into anything prior to All Might, as he'd become too caught up in assuming the role that All Might once held. Time was running out; the time to reflect on his bad days was saved for correcting any mistakes in training... not for crying about his pre-quirked days.
But that was wrong, wasn't it?
"I've been so blessed... s-so lucky... I don't want to take this time for granted, and waste the opportunity I've been gifted. I-If I wait, and I don't move forward... the gap will grow, between me and everyone else."
"If you're not okay, it will grow regardless."
The green-haired boy hesitated, contemplating Shiozaki's words carefully, analyzing her words closely as he replayed their conversation over in his head. She hadn't been wrong about anything she'd said... that was the beauty of an opinion, after all... but even then, what she was saying was healthier. Smarter, if he wanted to judge it.
His mental health... of course he cared about it, but at the end of the day, his appreciation for all of All Might's training and help had outweighed his desire to seek out help. He hadn't wanted to plague the number one hero with his problems, and by extension, convince the man that, maybe, he wasn't fit to assume the role of successor.
If All Might had decided to strip him of the power... it would devastate him. It would practically end his existence. Just thinking about it, Midoriya's hands clenched, gripping the fabric of his pants as he tried to banish the negative thoughts from his mind.
"Did I push myself again...?" He had a habit of doing that. Thinking back to All Might's training, when he had collapsed during a run, he'd realized that he was willing to go beyond his limit in an effort to make up the 'lost ground' he had developed. Somewhere along the line, he adopted the ideal that being behind was a permanent thing... and that wasn't the case.
Somehow, he'd emerge from the back. He'd done it once, blowing by everyone during the first event in the Sports Festival, and escaping the race with a gleaming first place next to his name.
"It's not my place to tell you whether or not you are pushing yourself," Shiozaki mused, snapping Midoriya from his thoughts. "However, I can tell you that we are all blessed - but that is no excuse to harm yourself. Your mental health is as important as your physical health. The brain is the most powerful tool at your disposal, have you heard that?"
"Y-yeah... there's an old story that a man once locked himself in a freezer during construction... and he froze to death later that night when he couldn't get out. In the morning, when his co-workers returned and opened the freezer, they were shocked... but they discovered that the freezer hadn't been working. He had convinced himself he was freezing to death."
Shiozaki nodded. "Exactly; that is the power of our thoughts. When they run rampant..."
"... they become unstable. And in instances of instability, we succumb to our demons."
Both Midoriya and Shiozaki turned to face a new, masculine voice, slowly drawing closer. Midoriya's eyes widened, recognizing the bird-like appearance of Tokoyami, his classmate strolling to the pair casually, as if he'd been there the whole time.
"T-T-Tokoyami...! H-h-how long...?"
The teen bowed his head. "A bit. I apologize for intruding; I became concerned for you when you left the cafeteria in a haste."
"O-oh... I'm sorry to have worried you..."
"You didn't tell me you fled your friends, too," Shiozaki commented idly. She didn't sound annoyed or disappointed, but nonetheless, Midoriya felt the slight coldness of guilt creep through his body as he bowed his head shamefully.
"W-well... I, yeah... I g-guess I did..."
"Nonsense." Tokoyami interjected swiftly. Midoriya looked up, surprised. "You were overwhelmed from the moment you arrived to class. Truly, our classmates did raise quite the ruckus, but even so, it was clear that you were uncomfortable merely being back on school grounds." Tokoyami glanced sideways toward Shiozaki, regarding her presence silently. "What she says is correct. Forcing yourself to show up is admirable, but not recommended. The ordeal you lived through... it will take time to truly move on from it."
"I can't..." Midoriya trailed off feebly.
"Fall behind? I daresay that if you have a breakdown, you'll fall farther behind than you would if you took the time to heal properly."
Shiozaki didn't precisely glare at Tokoyami, however, she seemed slightly exasperated by his response. "While blunt... I suppose your friend is correct. We are all gifted individuals, with much to offer. Please don't lose that gift by unraveling yourself at the seems."
"Too... bright..." Tokoyami mumbled, averting his eyes as he grumbled.
Midoriya looked into his lap. His decision had been made in an effort to avoid disappointing anyone... but, in the end, he'd failed to take into consideration his own well-being. As noble as his intentions, he'd let his personal bias and obsession over filling All Might's expanding void, cloud his judgement. He sighed; being a hero... being the hero... was hard work.
"I guess... I should go home, huh? But I can't just leave. We still have class." Almost half the day, causing Midoriya to feel a wave of dread wash over his body. Could he really make it that long?
Tokoyami made a noise, something mixed between a sigh, a 'hmph', and a triumphant snort. "I have already spoken with Mr. Aizawa... he approves if you need to leave for mental counseling. Alternatively... I believe Recovery Girl is available, if you wish to have been honest with Ojiro and Hagakure."
"O-oh, you h-heard that, huh?"
Tokoyami smirked. "The darkness knows to blend into the background."
"There is light within us all, you know," Shiozaki countered gently, smiling as Tokoyami frowned, averting his eyes once more.
"Too... bright..."
Midoriya let the faintest of smiles touch his lips. The creeping cold sensation that had been surrounding his heart seemed a bit warmer, and for a few fleeting moments, he let himself simply bask in the moment. No expectations. No facade. No walls. Simple nothingness; an opening of his barriers to the world around him.
And as he walked to Recovery Girl's office with the intent on asking her for help, he found himself yearning for that peaceful sensation once more.
He wasn't okay. Not yet.
But he'd get there.
This is something I'm going to universally post on all my stories, so I apologize if it's repetitive, but I thank you for your patience in my absence. As I have previously mentioned, I work in an Emergency Department, so there are a lot of things I see daily. Death, injury, just a lot. Recently, there was a tragedy that occurred that I was involved in upon their arrival, and lest to say... it was a very traumatic experience. I can't delve into details, but I needed time away. Time away from writing, time away from everything. No expectations. No anything.
I know it doesn't suffice, but of course, we all need this time from day-to-day, and it took me a few weeks to truly feel like I was recovering. I can't promise that I'll get into a regular update period, but I'll try, and I'll be pouring my heart into each fic moving forward. So thank you for your patience.
Responses:
MissAlexxis: Bring on the feel train, cause it's chugging!
Footsocks: And then gone again... sorry about that.
cyzja922: I have to say, I do know what you mean lol
Chopper911: I really appreciate the kind words. I'm not sure if I do anything differently, but I make sure I pour my emotions into whatever it is I'm writing. Sometimes, it affects the pace, but usually, it brings the emotions I feel with it. But I really do appreciate your kind words!
Maximum Ride12345: I'm glad to see new faces in the BNHA fandom! It's a great place, and I look forward to anything you might come out with!
GunsAndMagic: Well, it's been decided that it will persist longer! You're right that there's still plenty to cover, and honestly, I feel like a wrap-up chapter wound rush it. There's still plenty of healing to go around, and I want to focus on everyone - not just Midoriya. I've opened up a can of worms I can't abandon, and rightfully so!
I.N.S.H: I appreciate it!
Ireland Scott of BROH: Yasss.
Sergito: To be honest, I didn't want to focus on the teachers just yet. With the dozens of students they have, and the things they've seen, I don't know exactly how I want to portray them, though I plan on painting a picture of it soon.
inFamousSlyMonkey: Well don't drown; that's bad!
Anon: Haha, maybe, maybe not. Gotta time it all correctly.
mewtwo123: Thank you, I appreciate it!
Guest: So you ask, so it shall be.
HephaestusBuilds: In fairness, I was probably supposed to update two months ago, so I think we're even. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying everything - I'll seek to continue!
23: I appreciate the kindness; I aim to please!
Cleric of Nayru: One of the most interesting aspects of kidnapping stories isn't the threat of re-capture (hence why I didn't really focus on it) but instead, the coping mechanisms of everyone else. Kaminari, Uraraka, Bakugou, all of the others have their own thoughts and problems, and I'd like to highlight some of those thoughts in this story. So far, it's been good, and it keeps multiple arcs going on simultaneously.
Tes: The healing is going to by my (personal) favorite part.
cindermane: I could highlight all of your reviews, since they're all very well articulated, but I'd first like to simply thank you for your support and thoughts! I'll try to answer a few questions: first, the stuttering device. It's not my favorite thing to use, especially with how I've built Izuku, and I want to rid myself of it, but for now, I'm committed and must continue. The device of the eleventh hour is a stellar catch on your part; that is the angle I was going for. It's a concept I enjoyed upon my initial discovery of it, and it's a trope that is used here and there, but not often recognized. Honestly, that's a sign that you have a good eye, and I'm really impressed you caught it.
FighterGirl14: Thank you! I really enjoy analyzing everyone outside of the main protagonists, because they're all very capable and well thought-out characters.
The Rude Girl: So good question about how long. In truth, I don't have an exact number specified yet, but I might delve into that in the next few chapters as I have Midoriya recount his experiences stuck in the clutches of those villains.
MSPRIGGS: I appreciate your kindness; I seek to build everything up, and I'm glad to hear it's working.
unknown1234157: Haha, I actually love that pairing, much with many Deku/? pairings. The best part about the girls is that anyone can suffice in that role, and because of that, I don't delve into the shipping war. But I appreciate it! You could write it, I'm sure, the important thing to note is that Midoriya is timid, especially around someone like Yaoyorozu. And, likewise, she is innocent away from everyone, but doesn't exactly have the standard shyness you'd expect. She is inexperienced in many things, coming from a high-class family, but is very awkward in her own personal way. Put it together and... well, it's a recipe for something strange, but enticing. Haha.
SmolChichen : Thank you; he'll get through this!
