284(The following is a work of fanfiction and love. Fire Emblem Awakening and all related terminology remain property of Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. Please don't sue me.)
WARNING: The following story contains gratuitous foul language, coarse humor and vivid scenes of gore and other stuff that may make people uncomfortable. And possibly lemony stuff later on (if I can grow a pair already). You have been warned.
STOP! This is an alternate retelling and continuation of the story Metallover's Self Insert Adventure, following from Chapter 12. If you haven't read up to there in the original story, this one isn't going to make a whole lot of sense to you.
Metallover's Self Insert Adventure Redux
Chapter the First – or "Concerning the circumstances of the birth of a certain blue haired pain-in-my-ass"
Time is a funny thing.
For instance have you ever played Steins;Gate? Great game, but brings up a lot of good, technical points about the concept of time travel that I, with my literature degree, would not have otherwise considered. Such as the fact that if you duct tape a cellphone to a microwave you can use it to send text messages to the past, but you'll end up getting abducted by a secret organization.
Or, more importantly, there are an infinite number of world lines.
An infinite number of possibilities.
That bug you smooshed? On another world line you may have let it live, and gone on to rule over Macedonia. Or that girl you couldn't work up the courage to ask out? On another world line you could have had the balls, only to wake up with your head in a jar after she went all Jeffry Dahmer on your ass because she was secretly a psycho. Trust me when I say that yandere isn't as fun IRL…
A butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the planet, as they say.
So when I say that this is merely one of those myriad possibilities, take it with a grain of salt. Because, quite frankly, I'm a lit major. Not a physics or philosophy major.
Let's begin our new story with a brief recap, shall we? I, your intrepid narrator, got really, really drunk and ended up in the world of Fire Emblem Awakening. I would have preferred Blazing Sword, but we play with the hand we're dealt. After mouthing off at Chrom and Frederick I somehow managed to take Robin's place as the tactician of the Shepherds, and everything basically proceeded according to script. Tharja fell in love with me, I banged Panne, Maribelle tried to marry me and I told her in no uncertain terms to fuck off, and I managed to friend-zone myself with Cordelia. I also befriended Lon'qu and Ricken. That's a thing. Now I was in the process of pissing off all the Ylissean nobility by creating a permanent standing army. Our new story begins one day close to six months after my little 'talk' with Cordelia outside the bar. Maribelle had just gone back to Themis, and once again I could breathe a sigh of relief…
Or, I would have, anyway, if breathing hadn't hurt.
True to my instructions Ricken had whipped up a training routine fit for only the hardiest of athletes. I actually think Frederick had been impressed. Apparently a lot of the routine had come from him to begin with, but with more emphasis on strength as well as stamina thrown into the mix. Ricken had done well. I'd have to get him laid again.
Or so I thought, but the pain all over my body made me want to kill him in equal measures.
Where that kid had pulled this routine from, I would never know. But at least he could be counted on for the weird shit like this when I needed it. I'd have to poach him from Chrom eventually.
On this particular evening I gave a little groan and sunk a little deeper into my chair. I was in my office in the barracks for the army, doing my best to recover enough to hobble back to the palace.
Lon'qu had beat the crap out of me this morning with a training sword, and then me and the boys had proceeded to run til we puked, followed by some more lovely exercises. And a lunch break. It was ham. Why am I talking about lunch? Because there really wasn't a lot going on these days. Peace was really quite nice.
Until things such as I was holding managed to piss me off again.
A lovely little slip of paper from the innkeeper at the place Lucina and Laurent were staying detailing how, exactly, they had managed to rack up a fifty gold coin bill over the last seven or eight months.
Let me put that shit into perspective for you. That's, roughly speaking in terms of IRL finance, five grand. Ish. There's not exactly a direct exchange rate, so… yeah.
I was still pissed, though.
So, that day after getting my ass kicked up and down various training yards all day and still having to do my regular day job I found myself hobbling halfway across Ylisstol and up the stairs to Laurent and Lucina's rooms in the inn, cursing the fact they were on, like, the second floor. My legs hurt. However, I mustered the energy and beat on Lucina's door three times, as was my custom, before taking a step back and literally kicking the door in. They could add it to my tab.
"Silence is fucking golden," I growled, stepping into the room.
Lucina and Laurent both looked up with wide eyes at the sound of splintering wood and the raining shards of door, Laurent from the floor where his nose was buried in an astrology book and Lucina from her bed where she was polishing Falchion on her lap. Laurent just looked confused, but the look of red-faced rage that crossed Lucina's face after a few seconds was a match for my own.
"What in Naga's name-" she started.
"The fuck is this shit, Princess!?" I snarled, shoving the invoice into her chest.
She snatched the paper from me, blinking rapidly as she read it and gritting her teeth. I clearly had one chance her to not get impaled on that big-ass sword she was so fond of, but my blood was up and I was pissed. So pissed it took a few moments while she was reading to realize that I'd totally brushed her boob while I was shoving the invoice at her. She was filling out nicely, indeed. Definitely taking after her mother. After a few moments Lucina frowned, holding the paper out to me again.
"I do not see the problem here," she said in a much more subdued voice.
I gave her a feral grin, my eyes no doubt wide and manic.
Oh.
Oh that bitch.
She knew she done a bad.
"Really?" I asked, my voice turning sickly sweet. "Because I can think of a number of issues. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but bathing is usually reserved for the nobility and royalty, yes?"
"Indeed, of which I am-"
"Not here you're not, you silly twat! Not now! Hell, I live in the fucking palace and still have to settle for a rag and a bucket most days, what makes you think you're so damn special!? And you, you scrawny puke! Don't think I didn't see your contributions to this clusterfuck!"
Laurent glanced up, eyes wide. Clearly he was thinking that if he held perfectly still and made no sound I'd forget he was there. The T-Rex defense never worked on my parents, and it sure as fuck wasn't about to work on me.
"Why have you charged so many fucking science books to me!?" I snarled.
"I had thought to further research the theory you presented me-"
"I am the Grandmaster of fuck-mothering Tactics! I am a retainer to the Exalt! It would be as simple as writing a goddamn letter and you'd be into the royal library, you fucking banana!"
"Banana?" Laurent parroted, quirking his head.
"And the food!" I continued, reading off the invoice. "You two are eating better than I am! I could feed half my fucking regiment on what you're eating! Not to mention all the stupid little expenses! Sixteen silver on bed sheets!? Scented soaps, running five silver a fucking pop!? Sword oil!? I run a fucking army! Just! Fucking! Ask! Fuck!"
I took a deep, calming breath after my rant. Seizing the chance Lucina stepped forward, crossing her arms and having the decency to at least look chastised.
"I will admit that we… went a little overboard," she said stiffly, not meeting my gaze. "It had been so long since I had bathed properly before we came back to this time…"
"My thirst for knowledge overpowered my common sense," Laurent sighed. "I apologize."
I ran a hand over the chrome-dome, sighing myself. I'd gotten it out of my system, so I wasn't too pissed anymore. However this was clearly an issue I would need to address. I could legit not afford to do this again.
"Pack up your shit. You're both moving into the barracks with me and the army."
The next morning's breakfast was just as awkward as I was expecting it to be, if not more-so. To my not-so-great surprise, I found Chrom sitting at the officer's table next to 'Marth', 'Isaac' and Ricken. The kid was ignoring everything, busily fulfilling his role as my adjutant and assistant as he shoveled the tasteless oats that we often ate for breakfast into his mouth, occasionally stopping long enough to tear a hunk of bread off the small loaf sitting next to his bowl. Ricken had been an absolute godsend to me, helping with all the clerical duties that came with creating a standing army; so I'd decided to give the kid the rank of Major.
'Marth' was awkwardly eying Chrom across the table while 'Isaac' watched on in bleary disinterest, clearly barely conscious. Obviously I'd be sticking him on paperwork-buffer duty with Ricken. Lucina, though… she was a problem. What the shit would I do with her? Whatever; when in doubt, personal assistant.
The barracks refractory was packed and noisy, like it always was at this time, with the men and women from the various squads that made up my single test regiment of official armed forces chowing down and basically shooting the shit before daily training and duties began.
"Good morning, all," I called out as I entered.
"Good morning, Lieutenant-General, sir!" came the immediate response from every set of lungs, excluding those at the officer's table, in the room.
I grinned, my morning ego boost waking me up faster than any cup of tea or coffee ever would, as I sat down at the table with Chrom and the others. Yeah, I'd let Frederick have the General rank. He was more experienced, much as I hated to admit it, but we'd both agreed that my men were my responsibility, not his.
"How long was it before you ordered them to do that?" Marth asked, quirking her brow above her one visible eye.
"About as long as it's gonna take you to pay back that hotel tab," I shot back without missing a beat, glancing up at Chrom. "And what the hell are you doing here so early?"
The Exalt fidgeted in his blue training gear and white cape, pausing with his spoon of congealed oats hanging halfway between his bowl and his mouth as he grinned guiltily.
"I'm… inspecting your experiment?" he said.
"Nice try," I scoffed. "Let me guess. Sumia's pregnancy hormones making her crazy?"
"Ben that is the Queen Consort of Ylisse and you should show some more respect to her and dear sweet gods above yes I just needed a break," Chrom said all in one breath.
I resisted the urge to snicker, instead reaching over the table and placing a comforting hand on the man's shoulder. This was the kind of thing I'd just feel bad about making fun of. Like kicking a retarded puppy. It was too damn easy, no sport.
"Welcome to adulthood, bro," I said. "Sucks, don't it? She's gotta be due soon, though, yeah?"
"Any day now. And do not get me wrong, I love Sumia with all my heart," Chrom said quickly. "But… peanuts and pickles? At three tolls past midnight? I can't take it anymore. I need that child to be born so that my wife goes back to normal!"
I glanced over at Lucina, a shit-eating grin on my face, and actually snorted as I failed to stop myself from laughing at the look on her face. It was a combination of embarrassment and guilt, and it was by far more delicious than the breakfast oats.
"Forgive me, Marth," Chrom said, clearing his throat embarrassedly. "I forget myself. It's just been so long since I've had a good night's sleep…"
"She cannot be… that bad…" Marth said hesitantly.
"Kid, you have no idea," I laughed. "Women's hormones go nuts when they carry a child. Part of having a new life growing inside of you. However, that also means that they, in turn, go nuts. The crying and the anger and… Chrom why do you look like you're about to cry?"
The Prince shook his head, sniffling a little. "It's just… finally, someone gets it."
"Do you need a hug?"
"No."
"C'mon, bro. Bring it in."
"Do not touch me."
"Don't be like that."
"I will stab you with this spoon."
"Okay, fine, be a grouch," I shrugged dismissively, turning away. "You can inspect by running the damn drills with us all day if you're going to be like that. No special treatment."
Chrom blinked a few times, cocking his head before he broke out into a grin. "Do you really think you can keep up with me?"
"During weapons training? Fuck no," I laughed. "But the running? The obstacle courses? I think I got a good six month head start on you there, bitch."
"Challenge accepted," Chrom growled, his grin turning predatory.
I let out a weak groan, falling flat on my ass and panting heavily. Six months and Lon'qu still beat the ever loving fuck out of me. I mean, I put up more of a fight now, but his 'learn by doing' philosophy was getting real old, real fast. My head was spinning from the last blow from that fucking training sword of his, a decent sized lump already forming on the side of my head.
"Get up," the stoic Feroxi bastard grunted.
"I hope… you get crushed… by a gallon… of dicks…" I panted, pulling myself back up with great effort.
In the other training fields the majority of the infantry were drilling with swords and spears under the NCOs, veterans from town militias or service to various other lords throughout Ylisse, and in a field all on their own Chrom and 'Marth' ran drills. She hadn't stopped smiling since they'd started wailing on each other with their training swords, and it was starting to get a little weird-
I yelped, Lon'qu's training sword smashing my wrist hard enough to make my hand numb.
"Pay attention!" he snapped.
"Fuck it, I'ma crush you like a gallon of dicks myself!" I snarled.
He did this every time. Pissed me off until I eventually snapped and threw caution to the wind. Then proceeded to beat me until I passed out. It didn't happen every day, me losing it; sometimes I went a few days, sometimes a week, but eventually that smug bastard riled me up. He'd explained, in that stoic alpha-swordsman way, that it was to release me from the subconscious restraints that held me back. That to truly see how far I'd progressed I needed to be clear and focused, the way only good old white-hot rage would do.
Judging from the look on his face as I drove him back across the training area, I was improving. But, judging from the end of his training sword currently travelling at the speed of sound around my guard and towards my own face, I still had a long way to go.
The next thing I knew I was lying spread-eagled on the ground, an angel hovering over me. The stunning vision of beauty's long golden hair was framed by the sun behind it, casting a brilliant white halo around it that matched its flowing white robes-
"Jesus fuck, Libra!" I yelped when I realized who I was falling in love with. "Grow a fucking beard or something, bro! Stop confusing me!"
The priest simply laughed, lifting the staff he'd been holding over me away. Damn it if he still wasn't the prettiest man I'd ever met…
"I see your jaw is healed now," he said, his amused voice like the chimes of bells-
Oh dear sweet lord stop thinking about him like that HE'S A FUCKING DUDE.
"Lon'qu broke my jaw again, huh?" I sighed, shaking my head a little.
"Learn to duck," came the swordsman's reply from behind Libra.
"A gallon of dicks, dude," I groaned. "I swear, one day. A gallon of dicks."
"I don't even want to know," Libra chuckled, holding his hands up.
The priest had been pretty good about helping us out with the army stuff. He helped with the axe drills, and he was never far away when we were drilling. He'd been pretty busy during the drills when we first started out, but now that everyone had grasped the 'pointy end faces away from you' concept of blade work he contented himself with watching over us with a serene and quite frankly ridiculously attractive smile on his face.
But he's a dude.
Fortunately I was saved from my growing concerns over my sexuality when one of the Staff Sergeants came jogging up, snapping to attention when he reached us.
"Sir, repairs on the wooden horses are complete," the man, another former militiaman named Gerald I'd picked up out of Southtown, said.
I nodded, climbing up and out of the dirt. "Get the boys ready, then. Time for some real training."
Gerald nodded once, spinning on his heel and jogging towards the drilling squads to pass my orders on. For my part I moved to where Chrom and 'Marth' were whollopping each other with their practice swords, crossing my arms and sinking to a hip.
"So, remember when I said no special treatment?" I asked when they finally stopped.
"Yes…" Chrom said slowly.
Judging from the look on his face the grin on my own was making him uncomfortable. "Fall in with B-squad, both of you. I'll show you how it's done with A-squad. Lon'qu, fuck you very much for kicking my ass again today. Same time tomorrow."
"Wouldn't miss it," the swordsman replied. "But I'd like to stay and watch the show all the same."
"You're always welcome to join in," I suggested, already moving.
"I'm not really one for fighting with a shield," Lon'qu chuckled. "And it's much more fun to watch."
"Should we… be worried?" Chrom asked hesitantly.
"That depends," I shrugged. "Ever been hit by a charging war-horse before?"
"N-no," the Exalt said.
"Then Chrom, my friend, my brotha-from-anotha-motha, today is gonna be your lucky day, because Ben here loves to make people's wishes come true," I laughed.
"I wish you would stop talking for a week," Lucina said without hesitation.
"And I wish you'd grow some tits so you're at least decent eye-candy," I fired back. "But we all don't get what we want."
Chrom frowned at our exchange, but remained silent. Good lord I was not looking forward to when he found out I was constantly sexually harassing his daughter…
The 'Wooden Horses' were an ingenious design by myself, Miriel and Ricken to help prepare infantry to deal with Valm's ridiculous amount of cavalry. Basically, there was a line of wooden horses, padded with leather to make them a little fleshier, mounted on some tracks. Using a complex system of ropes, pulleys and counterweights, they could be sent charging down the tracks towards the waiting infantry. I had Frederick try it out, and he agreed that the weight we had it set at was an accurate representation of a cavalry charge.
The crazy bastard had stopped the charge by himself.
Quite frankly, I'd already broken my collar bone three times, and my arm twice. This exercise always made Libra a busy man. I don't know if you've ever tried to stop a charging horse with a spear and a shield, but if you get it wrong you are gonna get smooshed. As we had all learned particularly quickly. However, thanks to our dogged determination and the pride of being the First Ylissean Royal Infantry Regiment, we had almost mastered it. To be fair, though, this was training for the worst-case scenario. I'd been working on plans and tactics to see to it that we didn't have to face down a line of pissed off horses careening at us at eighty kilometers an hour, not to mention all the traps and other tools I was developing with Ricken. But as they say, prior planning prevents piss-poor performance. I wasn't about to let the First be caught with their pants down when we got to Valm.
So it was, standing side by side with my troops, holding a spear in one hand and a wooden buckler in the other, I found myself staring down a line of wooden pain flying towards me.
"Shields up, dig in!" I shouted.
With a clatter the shields all came forward, and we dug our spears into the hard-packed earth.
"Brace!" I warned.
The second and third ranks came forward, bracing us with their hands on our shoulders to help absorb some of the impact. The wooden horses hit our line with all the force of a fucking truck, and I felt something in my shoulder go. Again. Shields cracked, and lances shattered, but the line held and the horses were brought up short.
"Forward!" I snarled.
With a resounding shout we pushed them back. The line separated, and the fourth rank rushed forward and began to hack at the wooden horses with practice weapons. The second and third ranks followed, as the first fell back to trade places with the fifth rank in case there was a second charge.
We had successfully repelled the cavalry charge. It took less than ten minutes from start to finish.
"Alright, everyone out of the way," I called, favoring my injured side. "Set it up, give B-squad a turn! Take five, have a snack and some water, any injuries go find Libra! Remember we've still got the courses to run after this!"
As we passed by B-squad, my own squad laughing and congratulating each other on a flawless performance, I gave Lucina and Chrom a grin and a thumbs up with my uninjured hand.
They both looked fucking terrified as they marched forward, holding shields and practice spears.
I'd made sure they'd both be in the front rank.
No special treatment.
…
My shoulder hurt… where the fuck was that gorgeous, gorgeous healing man?
That evening Lucina let out a weak groan as she put her feet up on my coffee table, Laurent giving her a questioning glance. The two of them were bunking with me, in the sense that sharing a common area was 'bunking with', anyway. I had one wing of the officer's quarters to myself in the barracks complex I had set up base in, and it had just made sense. At the time, anyway. The sight of Lucina's dirty socks on my table did nothing to endear the situation to me.
"Bitch get your dirty-ass feet off my table," I snapped, hobbling towards the large barrel with fresh water in one corner of the room. Clearly, I was not holding up much better and it was making me grumpy. Plus, thanks to my crappy lungs, my nearly-bottomless supply of asthma-rated vullenaries was starting to dwindle, so I'd have to either find time to get more or send Elle to pick them up for me, and neither was a winning prospect.
She just gave me a weak glare, wiggling her toes a little for good measure. I think we were both too tired to argue at this stage. Laurent, too, looked a little exhausted. I'd had him basically being Ricken's bitch all day. Which meant, after fixing the Wooden Horses, training in magecraft until they dropped and then copious amounts of paperwork. Chrom had slinked off after the second round of obstacle courses. Fucker hadn't even made it to the warm-down jog. To be fair, though, the warm-down jog was a good thirty Ks… meh. He was a busy man, running a country and still trying to hide from his pregnant wife and over-attentive retainer. Hell, I'd rather have taken the run any day.
"And you idiots do that every day?" Lucina groaned. "I will admit to being impressed. My arm is still numb…"
"What, you go soft sitting in that hotel room mooching off me?" I asked innocently as I slipped my shirt off and began scrubbing at myself with a rag and the water I'd drawn into a smaller basin.
"I am too tired to even express my disgust that you are doing that in front of us," Lucina groaned. "I thought my endurance was adequate…"
"There's a difference between endurance and strength, Princess," I chuckled. "We're training for both."
We lapsed into silence, Laurent idly leafing through an advanced magic theory book he'd pinched from the library while Lucina stared into space, clearly struggling to stay awake. Elle, my maid/servant/kicking-puppy would be along soon with dinner no doubt, so all I had to do was clean up and try to stay awake until she arrived…
"Ben! What are you doing?"
I glanced up, my tired eyes struggling to focus as a dark shape glided across the space and eventually resolving as Tharja when she got closer. She and I had recently begun an… 'intimate' relationship, despite my better judgement. I'd made sure she knew it was only a physical relationship, though. I didn't want a wife or even a girlfriend. She'd accepted that, claiming that it was enough for her. I'd felt bad at first, but what can I say? I'm weak. She'd become a lot sweeter in private, though.
My eyes widened as I realized I hadn't told her yet that I had moved Lucina and Laurent into the suite. Behind her the two time-travelers froze, eyes widening at the sight of Tharja with a sunny smile on her face.
This was going to end badly…
"Er… Tharja-" I tried.
"Hush, you," she giggled, licking her lips as she looked me up and down. With slow, deliberate motions she pulled the sodden rag out of my hands and pushed me back against the bench, running her fingers over my chest. "Mmm, I do love the look of you after you've been training. It means I get to clean you."
"Tharja, seriously-"
"Oh? Would you prefer I do it with my tongue again? I can do that for you… 'master'."
"Tharja for the love of fuck look behind you!" I practically shrieked.
All the colour drained from her face for a moment, finding its way to my own as I blushed. She spun so fast her hair whipped up and flicked me in the face, giving a little squeak as she noticed Lucina and Laurent. Both of whom looked for all the world like they'd just seen Grima wearing nothing but speedos tap-dancing through the room. You could have heard an ant fart in the silence.
"Well, this is painfully awkward," I groaned, stepping forward and wrapping an arm around Tharja's waist. "Not how I would have liked it to get out, but we're… uh… how do I put this delicately… banging. Bumping uglies. Makin' the beast with two backs. Problems? Tough shit."
Tharja's gaze whipped up at me, conflicting emotions playing across her face before she finally shuddered and looked down, hiding her face with her fringe and clearly wishing she could die on the spot.
"As shocking as this is, I do not care," Lucina said after a moment. "Actually, now that I think about it, it's not that shocking at all. The two of you living in sin has nothing to do with us. Right Isaac?"
"B-but Morgan-"
"Right, Isaac?"
"Indeed," Laurent nodded quickly. "I… er… need to take rest. Good even to you, Sir Ben. Lady Tharja."
With that the skinny mage practically sprinted out of the room.
"What about dinner?" I called after him, pointedly ignoring that slip about Morgan. I'd decided it was more fun not knowing where I was concerned.
"I find myself with no appetite!" he answered, closing the door to his room.
I shrugged, grinning down to Lucina.
"If you believe I am going to skip a meal after that hellish workout you are mistaken," she deadpanned. "Get dressed already. The sight of your fur is making me ill."
"It's called chest hair, and all men have it," I said defensively.
"On their backs?" Lucina asked, arching one perfect brow.
"Well excuse me for not being some perfect fucking anime protagonist," I growled. "Not like a little girl like you understands the allure of a real man. Right Tharja?"
With trembling, wooden steps the dark mage silently crossed the space, looming over Lucina.
"If you tell anyone of this, I will not even hex you. I will simply kill you," she said, her voice a strangled whisper.
Lucina paled again, simply nodding.
Good god the yandere in that room at that moment got me to half-mast, I shit you not.
The next morning after a very awkward dinner and an even more awkward breakfast (to be spiteful I'd made sure Tharja and I had been as loud as possible last night) I made my way to the Ylisstol palace for the monthly 'retainers meeting' with Chrom and Frederick, Lucina and Elle in tow. Usually I'd have brought Ricken, but with Laurent they were almost through with some sort of organizational shit and he'd wanted to get over the last hurdle or something. I hadn't really been listening. Plus, this way I could continue to passive-aggressively harass Lucina and she couldn't do shit about it. It was win-win for me.
It was with that thought in my mind and a skip in my step that I approached Chrom's office, coming up short when a heavily pregnant Sumia came waddling around the corner.
"Ben!" she snapped, her face going red as soon as she saw me. "What did you do to Chrom yesterday!? He was exhausted! Were you trying to kill him!?"
'Marth's' mouth practically fell open at the sight of her mother so needlessly enraged, but Sumia wasn't done yet.
"He's the Exalt of Ylisse! His country needs him, and we can't have him practically dying after one lopsided training day!" she snapped. Tears began welling up in her eyes as she gave a sob before continuing. "It's not fair that you get to spend the day with him, either, when all I get to do is sit around and wait to pop! I just love him so much!"
"Oh for god's sake…" I groaned. "Chrom! Get your ass out here already! Sumia. Sumia, stop crying. I'm sorry I was so harsh on Chrom yesterday, but he wanted to do the same routine we do every day, and I swear we weren't any rougher on him than any of the other boys, myself included. Stop crying, okay? I know Chrom loves you. So stop crying. Please."
"I love you, too, Ben!" Sumia wailed, wrapping her arms around me in a big, teary, messy hug. "Not like Chrom, but you do so much for us and for me!"
Ooh, she had it bad…
Patting her on the back I noticed Chrom peeking out of his office's door, terror writ clear on his face. I gave him the most meaningful glare I had ever given, and the pleading look he gave me basically signed the requisition orders Lucina was carrying then and there.
"Sumia, I love you too, okay? In a totally platonic way. So cheer up. I'll come and read with you this evening, I promise, okay?"
"W-will you rub my f-feet, too?"
"Yes, fine, whatever," I sighed.
I mean, Elle would rub her feet, but why split hairs? I had a maid, I'd sure as fuck be using her.
After another few minutes of back petting, platitudes and assuring Sumia that no, she wasn't fat at all, just pregnant, we finally managed to get into Chrom's office and shut the door behind us. Just in time to see the top of Chrom's head appear from beneath the lip of his table.
"You rat bastard," I hissed, narrowing my eyes.
"I don't care what you've come to ask for today, you can have it," Chrom said, straightening and clearing his throat. "Good day Marth and… er…"
"Thundercat," I supplied. "Marth, hand the nice coward the paperwork. Frederick, I notice you weren't exactly leaping to assist your Queen. Fuck you for that. Some butler you are."
The knight glanced up, great dark rings around his eyes from a lack of sleep. He gave a slight sigh, before shaking his head.
"I was reading these reports," he said lamely.
"Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what it is," I deadpanned. "Sheesh, not even born yet and that kid's being a pain in your asses. What's it going to be like when she is here?"
'Marth's' gaze snapped up, glaring at me with her one visible eye but remaining silent.
"How do you know it will be a girl?" Chrom asked, taking his seat. "It could be a boy, you know. Ah, what I'd give for a little baby boy to train with, to teach the ways of the world, to follow in my footsteps…"
"You know what, Chrom?" I said, pointedly grinning at Lucina. "That sounds amazing. There is absolutely no possible way I can say anything else in the face of what you just said. It's so beautiful it almost brings a tear to my eye."
Lucina sighed through her nose, retreating to stand at my shoulder like the assistant she was supposed to be. While we'd been talking Elle had been preparing tea, and was now serving it to us as we discussed the management of the realm. Eventually the discussion turned to the other nobility in the country, and I could only scoff at the news.
"Like I give a fuck what Duke Burrito's saying about us. We already got all of his best soldiers."
Chrom sighed while Frederick shook his head. Duke Beorhito was a fat, nasty ass-hole I'd slugged during the victory celebration and subsequently dueled a few months ago. Well, okay, his second had stabbed me and I'd killed him, but the Duke was still around and still making my damn life difficult. Apparently this time by saying that I had plans to usurp Chrom's authority and throne.
"Okay, for future reference," I said, leaning forward. "I don't want your fancy-ass chair. I don't want your power, and I sure as fuck don't want the problems that come with it. I'm in charge of barely three hundred men right now and I'm stretched to my limit, and that fat bastard honestly thinks I can deal with more? He's got a pretty damn high opinion of me, doesn't he?"
"And yet you just made me sign for permission to found two more regiments?" Chrom smirked. "I know you have no interest in my position-"
"Hell, do you even have interest in your position?" I scoffed.
"Anyway-"
"If anyone's in a position to take your throne one would think it would be Frederick, right?" I said, ignoring Chrom and turning to the knight-butler. "How 'bout it, big guy? Wanna be Exalt?"
'Marth' sighed behind me and slapped me upside my head, making Chrom chuckle a little.
"Thank you, Marth," he said. "In any case, we need to think of a way to put their minds at ease. Just because Duke Beorhito is the only one making these claims does not mean he's the only one that feels that way."
"Okay, so I lay low for a little while," I shrugged. "Make myself scarce around the capital. Go on some training missions in the wilderness.
"I would prefer to strengthen your ties to House Ylisse, rather than distance you," Chrom explained. "Make it look like I'm keeping you on a short leash."
"You're not… actually going to start interfering with my projects, are you?" I asked hesitantly. "Because by all means, take part, but-"
"Peace, Ben," Chrom said, holding up his hands. "I have no interest in your 'armed forces' except the end result. As for whatever else you have going on, I have no interest at all. I do trust you."
"Then why make me write the damn reports!?"
"Propriety," Frederick grunted.
"In any case, I feel that the strengthening of ties between our houses would be beneficial. Tell me, my friend, how do you… uh… feel about Lissa?"
"If she sticks another frog in my boots I'ma kill her. Why?" I growled.
"Well," Chrom said, clearly growing uncomfortable. "It's just that, well, if you were a part of the Royal Family itself the Dukes' claims would have no ground to stand on-"
And then it clicked.
No. Fucking. Way.
I'd just managed to get out of one marriage to nobility. Hell if I was doing that song and dance again.
"Chrom, stop," I sighed. "I understand what you're going for here, but I respectfully decline. Press the matter and I will not-so-respectfully decline. Tell me, what exactly do you think Lissa would say if she found out you were trying to marry her off just because I was making your political life hard?"
"It's not about that," Chrom snapped, clearly embarrassed. "This is… how things are done here. I'm not particularly thrilled at the thought, thank you very much."
"Oh, fuck you! What happened to all that 'brother' talk!?"
"You know what I mean!" Chrom groaned exasperatedly. "I would have my sister find love and happiness the way I did."
"So let her," I shrugged.
"It is not that simple," Frederick muttered, his voice subdued.
"Okay, while that's a problem for another day, and I swear to fuck if you try to marry her off for political gains I will vehemently oppose it, I have a suggestion regarding the current circumstances. I become your first-born's godfather."
"I… what? We do not have that… tradition? Here," Chrom said.
"A godfather basically is someone who takes an interest in ensuring the child is raised properly and if, heaven forbid, something should ever happen to you or Sumia, I would be responsible for caring for the child until they come of age."
Judging from the sharp intake of breath behind me Lucina wasn't impressed by the thought. Although Chrom nodded, considering.
"Usually this involves a baptism, so it's like, sworn under God or something. It wouldn't quite come as close as marriage, but I think it'd do," I went on. "It's something of a dying tradition where I'm from, but in other places near my homeland the word for godparent translates to co-father or co-mother and it's a lot bigger a deal, know what I mean? I'm not saying I want to usurp your kids now, too. Fuck no!" there was a subtle stab in my side from Lucina's fingers at that one, "but it would be just like making me part of the family. Any of my children would be 'god-siblings' and be like cousins. Any of this making sense to you?"
"How much of an 'interest' are we talking?" Chrom asked, stroking his chin thoughtfully.
"Stick my head in every once and a while, ensure her studies are going well, make sure she's stable and happy. Bring ridiculous presents on her birthday and spoil her rotten. Think a cross between a close uncle and a grandparent."
"You really are fixated on my firstborn being a girl," Chrom laughed. "Very well. When the child is born, I will name you her Godfather. I will have some of the scribes begin to circulate what it means; hopefully we can start a tradition out of this so that it is a little less jarring. And… thank you. For not taking my earlier offer. I'm glad I can give Lissa the chance to experience love properly."
"A friend should always underestimate your virtues and an enemy overestimate your faults," I quoted, doing my best Brando impersonation. Which wasn't very good, to be honest, but dammit if I wasn't going to take advantage of this situation…
"That's… surprisingly deep," Chrom said slowly. "Even if you did say it in a stupid voice."
I snickered, shaking my head. Oh, he hadn't heard anything yet… I also spun in my chair, giving 'Marth' a shit-eating victory grin. The look on her face was like someone had shoved a cactus down her throat.
I laughed. I laughed for days.
Once I stopped laughing, though, I had a thought. Something of a family tradition I wanted to carry over here. So, still chuckling a little to myself, I made a special trip to the most prestigious jeweler in Ylisse. That I could pay to keep his mouth shut.
So it was that the day finally came. Sumia went into labor and a panicked Frederick came and practically abducted me from the army's training grounds to bring me to the castle. Fortunately he stopped long enough to let me grab my little surprise from my room. While I was there I told Lucina the good news, that she was about to be born, and the poor girl turned green. I guess being nervous about yourself being born, hoping you were all hale and healthy, was a thing.
I didn't get time to consider this, though, as Frederick once more spirited me away, dragging my sorry ass all the way to the castle. As we approached Chrom and Sumia's apartments Sumia gave a shrieking cry of pain, and Chrom all but fell out of the door onto Frederick. Cordelia, Sumia's best friend, was already waiting outside the door with an anxious look on her face. I gave her a weak grin and a little wave as we approached, which she returned with a terse nod.
"Oh gods above I can't take this!" Chrom groaned, just as green as Lucina had been.
"Come on you pussy, this is your kid not mine," I laughed, slipping past him.
Sumia had been overjoyed at the whole 'godfather' concept. To the point that she'd been insistent that I be there to witness the birth with Chrom. I'd done a little research, talked to some midwives here, and I'd decided that the current medical levels for delivering babies was good enough that I wouldn't interfere. I had insisted, however, that they wash their hands down with the purest grain alcohol I could get my own hands on, though. However right now it appeared I'd have to beat Chrom off the bottle. The man, following me into his own rooms a lot slower, had gone from green to an interesting shade of pale.
The Queen-Consort of Ylisse was propped up with pillows, huffing and red-faced as a pair of old midwives crowded her vajayjay. I politely averted my eyes as I crossed the room, taking up position at her far side so Chrom wouldn't have to walk past the business area. I'd barely stopped moving when her hand shot out, gripping my own in a vice-like hold and making me wince.
"So how's it going?" I asked.
"How do you think!?" she shouted, trailing off into another yowl of pain.
"I think you're under a little stress," I ground out through gritted teeth as she mashed my hand into paste.
"You're not helping!" she moaned. "I can't take it anymore! Someone pull it out of me already!"
"Chrom!" I hissed, watching where the man was frozen halfway across the room.
He glanced up at me, his eyes vacant. I nodded to Sumia's other hand, raising my brows emphatically. He took the hint and moved over to take Sumia's other hand, her grip on my own lessening as she zeroed in on her husband.
"Sumia, for god's sake, breathe," I said. "In and out. Like me. Hoo-hoo-hah. Hoo-hoo-hah."
With a shuddering nod she attempted to emulate my breathing pattern, some of the tension leaving her shoulders as she did so. I say some because she still looked like a corpse going into rigor mortis, but you can't very well say that to a woman giving birth while she has a death-grip on your hand. I glanced up, struggling not to laugh as I caught Chrom copying the breathing pattern, too. The poor bastard looked terrified. And I couldn't blame him. Even I was a little tense. I was talking a big game and doing my best to keep my cool, but this was a first for me, too. I was just desensitized thanks to modern media back home.
"Have we got a betting pool on what the gender's gonna be going yet?" I asked Chrom.
"W-what? N-no, I… what?" he said woodenly.
"Ten gold coins says it's a girl," I said with a grin.
Before Chrom could respond Sumia reached up, grabbing my collar and dragging me close to her face. The sheer, unadulterated, unfiltered emotion on her face, namely rage, almost made me piss my pants.
"THIS IS NOT THE TIME!" she snarled, before falling back into her birthing position.
"R-right, sorry," I said quickly. "Just… keep breathing. In and out."
Dear lord I thought she was about to kill me.
"It's coming!" one of the midwives called helpfully from the end of the bed.
Sumia let out another cry that sounded like a wounded animal, her knuckles going white as she broke mine and Chrom's.
"I can see the head!" the other midwife supplied.
"Oooh… get it out! Get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out!" Sumia screamed.
"Push, my lady, push!" the first midwife said.
"Oh gods," Chrom groaned, having gone back to being green.
"Almost there, one last push!" the other midwife said.
And with one last, anguished cry from her mother little Lucina was brought into this world. Sumia collapsed backwards, panting and still gripping out hands for dear life, her skin covered in sweat and her hair a mess. Chrom didn't look much better, and for a few moments there was a tense silence finally broken when Lucina gave her first mewling cries. Chrom sagged in relief, tears at the corners of the big man's eyes as Sumia gave a weak laugh, her grip finally loosening on our hands.
"It's a girl!" one of the midwives, I lost track of which, declared.
"A girl…" Chrom repeated, dazed. "I have a little girl… let me see her, I want to see my daughter."
The Exalt began to move around to where the midwives were still kneeling at the end of the bed, and suddenly a thought occurred to me.
"Uh, Chrom, maybe you should-"
"Aaaand there's the afterbirth!" one of the midwives crowed.
Chrom, who had just reached the end of the bed, gave a high-pitched whine and fell backwards. The Exalt of Ylisse, the literal strongest and most important man I had ever known, who had faced down Plegia's armies without so much as breaking stride, passed out like a bitch. He went rigid and just leaned backwards, impacting the floor with a hollow thud.
"I tried to warn you, bro," I laughed.
Sumia sighed weakly, shaking her head slightly as she accepted the still-crying Lucina from one of the midwives and looking up at me. "Can you make sure he's not dead, please?"
I nodded, still laughing as I moved around to where Chrom was lying. I nudged him with the tip of my boot a few times until he stirred, then knelt down to cover his eyes with my hand.
"C'mon, big guy, let's go meet your little girl," I said, helping him up with my other hand.
He leaned heavily on me until I uncovered his eyes when we were safely at the side of the bed, the midwives both clearly trying not to laugh at the Exalt fainting. I stepped back, standing with the two older ladies as the happy family met their daughter for the first time. It then occurred to me that I hadn't seen Lissa all day, which was weird considering she was a trained cleric as well, but that would be a question for later.
"I have something for the baby," I said after a few minutes. "It's kind of a silly little family tradition where I'm from. My grandmother bought a gold ring for each grandchild that was born, each one with that child's birthstone set in it. I, uh, figured, since I'm the Godfather and all, well, uh…"
I pulled a small velvet pouch out of my pocket, handing it to Chrom and looking at the ground.
"Where I'm from her birthstone is diamond. It's not much, probably nothing fitting for a princess, but…"
Chrom shook his head. "We'll treasure it. As I'm sure she will, also."
I glanced up, meeting the sunny smiles of the royal family. Chrom showed the ring to Sumia, a simple golden band, engraved with the feather pattern from the background on my own family crest. The diamond itself was nothing special; thankfully they hadn't had the same marketing boom that the real world had experienced thanks to crafty advertisers, so I'd actually paid more for the gold than the stone. But a decent sized gem was set into a clasp stylized to look like the brand of the Exalt, the symbol of House Ylisse. Judging from their faces, it looked like I'd done good.
I'd finally made my way back to the barracks sometime after nightfall. Chrom had been ecstatic once he'd recovered from his initial shock, and once the ladies in waiting had cleaned Sumia up everyone had wanted to see the new baby. Frederick's slack-jawed face when presented with the child of his Lord and Lady had been priceless. I'd whished for a camera so hard at that moment I thought one would pop into my hands. Cordelia had burst into tears, which had in turn set Sumia off again, and I had simply rolled my eyes.
Eventually, though, when Sumia was resting and everyone else was drinking in the Shepherds' barracks, I'd snuck off. I'd raised a toast to Lucina's health so I wouldn't offend Chrom, but I'd stopped drinking entirely after the victory party fiasco, and I intended to keep it that way. Being around the others sober while they were getting totally shit-faced wasn't as fun as it sounded.
As I stepped into the common room I shared with the time-travelling Lucina and Laurent I realized a figure was sitting hunched in one of the chairs, their face in their hands and their elbows resting on their knees. Lucina glanced up as I came in, and expectant and hopeful look on her face.
"You're up late," I said.
"And you are late returning," she said, a strange waver in her voice. "Is everything… a-am I… was it…"
I sighed a little, grinning as I crossed the space and put a hand on her shoulder. "Everything's fine. You were born without any complications, although your father fainted like a little girl."
Lucina blinked up at me for a few moments before sighing and looking back down, her shoulders starting to tremble as relief flooder her posture.
"That is good," she said, her voice thick with emotion and holding a hint of self depreciation. "I know it is foolish of me, but I just… I could not shake the feeling of nervousness…"
I nodded, stepping back and reaching into my pocket for the other thing I'd gotten from the jeweler in town. I held the little velvet pouch out to the Princess, and she looked up at me with confusion on her face.
"It's not much, probably nothing fit for a princess, but… here. Happy birthday, Lucina."
She rose slowly to her feet, one shaking hand accepting the pouch from me and looking inside. She pulled the small golden necklace out, the charm hanging from it catching and reflecting the weak light in the room.
"I gave a ring with the same stone to your parents for you when you grow up," I said softly. "It's a silly little family tradition. I figured you were a little too old for me to be giving a diamond ring, so… I hope this is good enough."
Lucina nodded, choking back a sob. "I… never came of age before I lost my parents. I-if you gave them the ring in the past, I was never old enough t-to receive it from them before they died… thank you, Ben."
I nodded, shrugging a little in the darkness.
This felt weird. I had wanted to do something nice for her birthday, but maybe next time I'd make a cake or something. This was… too much for me. I needed to make a dick or a fart joke or something to break this mood we had-
Before I could even finish that thought Lucina stepped closer to me, coming up on her toes to plant a soft, tender kiss on my lips before wrapping her arms around me and resting her head on my shoulder. On instinct I returned the hug, eyes going wide over the top of her head as I internally screamed.
"Thank you," she whispered again, before disengaging from me and disappearing into her room.
And leaving a very confused Ben standing there, wondering what in the name of unholy fuck had just happened.
AN: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's ba~ack! I'm endeavoring to keep these ANs short now. Yeah, stylized version of childbirth there. I know it takes a LOT longer, but for comedic and pacing purposes I took artistic liberty with it. Kinda gross stuff, but again something no one ever touches on. I may have crossed a line there, but what is this story if not to cross lines?
So, important stuff; everything in the original Self Insert Adventure up to and including chapter 12 has happened, but we're going off on a different world line here. So no, Severa is no longer the SI's child and Cordelia is no longer Morgan's mother. I wanted to finish the story, but I didn't want the SI character to be tied down when there's just so much fun to be had with the characters introduced in Valm. Why a separate story, though? Because I felt like the last one works better as a story about a man that is a rough caricature of me coming to terms with his demons and finding peace in an alien world. This story, when I actually manage to work on it, will be a story about said man becoming a serious power and eventually RULING THE WORLD. Kidding. But I will finish the story of Awakening this time. Eventually. I am still maintaining my semi-retirement status here.
And a big shout-out to all my friends working with me on the Invisible Ties Audio Drama Project. You're all amazing. This story is for you.
Yes, I promise my next update is Future's End.
Don't forget I'm on Twitter - metalloverCAB
