21A/N: Summarizing this story was so hard, harder than any story I've ever published, so let me see if I can do a better job here.
So, in the middle of December I was driving to a rehearsal about an hour away from where I go to school, and I put my Spotify playlist on shuffle as I got onto the highway. The first song that played was "Closer" by The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey. And then the next song was… "Closer" by the Chainsmokers ft. Halsey. By the time I realized my music was on repeat, I was going 75 miles per hour and my phone had fallen off the seat and was on the floor of the car. So I had four choices. Either die trying to retrieve my phone, pull off the highway to change the music and be late for rehearsal, drive for an hour without music (somehow the thought of just turning on the radio instead didn't occur to me?), or… listen to the same song on repeat for an hour. I opted for the last option, and then when I got home I started this story, which I thought was going to be a one-shot. And then instead I wrote ~26,000 words in two weeks. Inspiration punched me in the face and it became impossible to focus on anything except this story until it was finished.
This is the story I teased in the final author's note of When The Sky Fills With Rain, and it is different than anything else I've written. It's something I've wanted to try for a long time and haven't known how to execute. Every post-finale story I've written (or read) has Jude and Tommy pretending to move on without ever actually moving on. So I was listening to this song and I was thinking… What happens if you have a version of Tommy and Jude who haven't been pining, who have genuinely moved on? What happens if they meet again in that context? I have taken away a root assumption, that being the idea that they're never going to be right for anyone except one another, and this changes their interaction significantly.
I understand that lot of fanfiction is wish-fulfillment. I get a lot of reviews saying my stories heal the wounds caused by the finale, so to speak, and if that's what you're looking for then this might not be the story for you. I didn't write it for those reasons, I wrote it so I could explore a side of the characters (particularly Tommy) that I haven't been able to get at in the same way before. It's a bit of a different take on love, I suppose. I may be fighting an uphill battle with the premise, but if you'd be willing to stick with me, I would appreciate it. This story is foundationally different than anything I've ever written, but I also really like it. I think it's interesting, if nothing else. Still, I thought I ought to give you fair warning. If you don't like it, blame The Chainsmokers, because the line "four years, no call" is the entire reason this story exists in the first place.
So. Here's a thing I wrote in two weeks (and then edited for two months). Please enjoy!
P.S. More fair warnings: this story is M for a reason …Actually multiple reasons.
If he hadn't already been four drinks deep when he saw her, maybe things would've happened differently. Maybe sober Tom would've just said a polite hello-been-awhile-how's-your-family-congrats-on-the-album-well-anyway-it-was-nice-to-see-you-again-bye and left with his dignity intact. Or, better yet, not said anything at all, just left the bar before she noticed him, never reopened the can of worms that was Jude Harrison. Then again, maybe sober Tom would've been home with his wife instead of sitting in a hotel bar at half past midnight drowning himself in whiskey and self-pity.
Sober Tom had been missing for a long time.
As it was, he was way past tipsy when he noticed her. At first, all he saw was a pretty girl in a tight, backless dress. She was leaning back against the bar and talking to a couple of friends, so her face was mostly turned away. He looked, letting his eyes roam surreptitiously over her body, but he did it almost out of habit, not with any real interest. She was certainly attractive, and his type at that, but he was definitely not in the mood to pick up some random girl in a hotel bar. His mind had started to wander back to Erica, whether his soon-to-be ex-wife was out at a bar being ogled by some poor drunk sap, when the girl laughed at something her friend said, and his heart nearly stopped. Because he knew that laugh. He knew those thin shoulders, that long neck, the way she threw her head back when she laughed, even the star ring on her right hand was the same. Somehow it was Jude, here in Toronto. She looked older, looked gorgeous, but it was definitely her. By this point he was gawking brazenly enough to be creepy, and the girl Jude was talking to noticed him, gesturing in his direction and saying something to Jude, who turned. At first she was frowning slightly, but her eyes widened as she recognized him. "Tommy?" she asked with a astonished smile, and the sound of his name on her lips sent a shiver down his spine. She took several steps closer to him, and he felt her as she approached, his body hyper-aware of her in a way he hadn't experienced for years.
He felt the smile spread across his face. "Jude Harrison," he said slowly, drawing out each familiar syllable of her name.
"In the flesh," she replied as she reached him. The sound of her voice resonated through him, a hum joining the buzz of the alcohol in his veins.
Without meaning to, he blurted out, "What the hell are you doing here?"
.
Jude hadn't wanted to come out. She'd had a very long day of rehearsals, and she was exhausted. The thought of putting on makeup and heels didn't sound appealing at all compared to the idea of a hot bubble bath, but Devika had begged and pleaded and Jude couldn't say no. Devi was also a recent Canadian ex-pat, working PR at Bermondsey, and she and Jude had become fast friends when Devi had started at the label. Because of how well they worked together, Devi had been the natural choice to accompany Jude's tour.
As their stint in Toronto, a few days of rehearsal followed by three nights of performances, approached, Devi had grown increasingly anxious. She was from Calgary, not Toronto, but knew via Facebook that an ex-boyfriend of hers, Shane, was getting his master's at U of T. Jude had definitely heard about Shane over the two years she'd known Devi, so she knew they'd been pretty serious. They'd dated for years, managing to keep their relationship a secret from her disapproving parents the whole time, but they had eventually been caught. The resulting fallout had been bad enough that it had ended in Devika cutting ties with her parents, and her relationship with Shane hadn't survived the aftermath. Devi had broken things off and on impulse had moved to London to live with her cousin. In the years since, she'd mended fences with her parents, and the situation had actually worked out very much for the best on the whole. Devi quickly found that she had a natural knack for publicity, quickly climbing the ranks in Bermondsey's PR department. Jude had never heard Devi express regret over the way things turned out, but she hadn't had a serious relationship since, and still had a habit of occasionally getting drunk and Facebook stalking Shane.
When Devi admitted she was freaking out about being in Toronto, Jude had tried to reassure her, telling her that no matter how badly things had ended, she had no reason to worry. She pointed out that, in a city of nearly three million, the chances of running into her ex were pretty much literally zero. Even if she went to the university and wandered the campus all day, she'd almost certainly never see him. Devi had nodded mutely, biting her lip, and it had dawned then that not seeing him was exactly what she was worried about. After a thorough internet stalking to determine if he was single, Jude had convinced Devi to message him and invite him for drinks while she was in the city. It had taken a week or so of pushing, and she'd had to actually take Devi's phone from her hands when she wouldn't press send on the message, but Shane had replied within the hour that he'd love to meet.
So here they were, in Toronto, and despite her fatigue and her aching feet and how much she honestly needed a night to just lounge in bed watching Netflix, Jude recognized the panic in Devi's pleading eyes, and she couldn't say no. The first few times Jude had come back to Toronto to visit, all her brain had been able to do for days was go over and over and over what she'd say to Tommy if she saw him again. She'd worried herself sick over it every time. Even though the worry had always been pointless, since she'd never run into him anyway, she still remembered torturing herself, endlessly imagining worst-case scenarios with the man she'd loved so desperately until she'd broken his heart. If she could assuage some of that for Devi by playing wingwoman for a couple hours, it was worth the hassle of doing her hair on her night off. They had compromised when Jude complained that she was really not up for a night out, agreeing that Shane would meet them in the hotel bar. That way, if things were going well, Shane and Devi could head somewhere else together and Jude could plead exhaustion. Alternatively, if things were going poorly, Devi and Jude could both make a convenient exit with an excuse about their busy schedules.
Thankfully, Devi and Shane seemed to be doing just fine. The smile he'd given when he'd seen her was full of genuine warmth, as far as Jude could tell, and Devi had managed to relax. She was killing it, actually, being charming and witty and looking completely stunning. Jude had secretly worried that her presence, due to her fame more than anything else, would divert Shane's attention from Devi in a bad way, but that wasn't the case. After the first few minutes he seemed only to have eyes for Devi. Shane was talking about a bar he liked near the campus and Jude was planning her exit, already thinking of her hotel suite's deep soaker bathtub, when Shane frowned suddenly. "You don't have a stalker or anything, do you?" he asked. Devi laughed, thinking he was joking, but Shane shook his head and said, "Seriously, there's a guy over there staring at us. It's a little creepy."
Jude waved a hand, not bothering to look. "Yeah, fans, it happens. He might eventually come up and ask for a picture or an autograph or something, but usually they don't. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be creepy. Mostly they're nice people who are just a little star-struck to see a celebrity in the wild."
Devi looked over. "No, actually, Shane's right. This guy's really staring."
Jude turned in the direction Devi gestured, frowning a little. She wasn't at all prepared for what she saw. Because it was Tommy, sitting a little ways down the bar and staring at her in awed disbelief. The sight of him sent a shockwave through her. In the span of a second as his eyes locked on hers, she flashed hot and cold and back again, her skin tingling. The whoosh of her blood pulsing in her ears was suddenly all she could hear. "Tommy?" she asked, and her own voice sounded to her like it was coming from very far away. She wasn't sure if it was just the shock, couldn't remember if her body had always overreacted like this at the sight of him, but christ, she'd forgotten how goddamn good looking he was. Despite the years that had passed, he really didn't look much different. He looked every bit as good as he had when she'd last seen him. She felt the pull of him like some sort of gravity and walked over to him.
A smile spread slowly across his face as she approached. "Jude Harrison." He said her name in a low voice, and she felt heat rise in her in response.
"In the flesh," she replied with a grin, leaning against the bar as casually as she could and hoping her voice didn't sound as breathless as she felt.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. She was a little taken aback, but he clarified. "Sorry, I don't mean… I just… You… London?"
Jude laughed, realizing he was drunker than she'd originally thought. "I… Toronto," she teased, then explained, "Tour."
"Ah. Yeah, I guess I knew that, I just didn't realize that was this week."
"Rehearsals this week, performances this weekend."
"Hmm." His eyes searched her face for a moment with that same piercing gaze he'd always had, those blue eyes she couldn't ever seem to shake. Eventually he said, "It's been a while."
She laughed at the understatement. "You could say that."
"Over four years," he murmured with a frown. His eyes met hers again and he said, softly, "You never called."
Jude raised an eyebrow. "Neither did you."
His frown deepened, but they were interrupted but the sound of Devi's, "Um… Jude?"
Jude turned with a start, suddenly remembering Devi, who had walked up beside her, with Shane following close behind. "Oh! Sorry, guys, uh… this is Tom. Tommy, this is Devika, she's a friend from Bermondsey, she works in PR. And this is her friend Shane."
Shane simply gave a nod, but Devi held out a hand, which Tommy shook. "Devika Mehta. Call me Devi."
"Tom Quincy," Tommy replied with a smile.
"Oh," Devi's eyes widened in recognition, "sure, of course."
"Uh, Tommy was my producer, at G Major," Jude explained. "And, uh… yeah." She shifted awkwardly as Tommy raised his eyebrows at her.
There was a beat of awkward silence, none of them seeming to know what to say, until Shane broke it. "Dev, do you…" he gestured to the door with his head, but trailed off.
"Yeah!" Devi nodded enthusiastically, and turned to Jude. "Shane and I were saying maybe we should get out of here, try another bar, you know? I think he has somewhere in mind."
"Hotel bar's not exactly my scene. This place is dead," Shane added, then his eyes widened a little and he looked at Tommy. "No offense, man."
Tommy snorted a laugh and turned back to the bar. "None taken," he muttered as he took another drink.
"Do you want to come?" Devi asked, widening her eyes slightly to signal that Jude should decline.
Jude couldn't help but smile a little, but she hid it quickly and shook her head. "Nah, I'm exhausted. It's a crazy week, a lot of rehearsals. I think I'm just gonna crash, but you guys should go ahead."
"You sure?" Devi asked with feigned disappointment, and Jude couldn't help but laugh.
"Totally sure. You guys have fun." She leaned in to give Devi a hug, whispering "Good luck" in her ear, to which Devi replied, "Don't need it, sister." She winked at Jude as she pulled back, and Jude had to stifle another laugh. She told Shane it was nice meeting him, and Devi said the same to Tommy, who nodded, and then they were gone, leaving Jude and Tommy sitting nearly alone in the bar.
"You didn't need to do that," Tommy said as Jude sat down on the stool next to him.
"Do what?" she asked.
"Ditch your friends for me. Really, you shouldn't have. I'm not good company."
Jude frowned a little at the last part, but shook her head. "I didn't. You're not the reason. I honestly didn't want to go. Besides, a good wingwoman has to know her cue to exit. If I'd tagged along Devi would've been pissed."
"Ah. Is that what was happening there? Jude Harrison playing cupid again?"
She smiled. "Devi's a good friend. She's like, witty and brilliant and super freakin' gorgeous, a hell of a catch, but she honestly doesn't get out much. Normally I don't push it, but Shane's someone she knew a long time ago. An ex, actually. They broke up just before she moved to London. I think he's always sort of been the one who got away, for her. When Dev said she wanted to get back in touch, I offered to help."
"Sounds… messy." He glanced sideways at her, raising his eyebrows.
Jude frowned. "Devi can handle herself. Maybe something more will come of it, but probably it'll just help her remember why she left him in the first place. Not every hookup has to be a big deal, even if it's with an ex."
Tommy rolled his eyes. "Since when are you such a champion of casual sex?"
She could tell by the way he said it that he was trying to get under her skin, needle her into an argument, but she didn't take the bait, just laughed. "I'm not 16 anymore, Tommy."
His raised his eyebrows a little, and he turned more fully to her, his eyes traveling over her dress in a way she felt almost as intensely as if he'd been actually touching her. "Clearly."
Jude swallowed hard, turning away and tossing back the rest of her drink. She flagged down the bartender, who poured her another. It was a dangerous decision, and she knew it. He was married, for christ's sake. His wedding had been, what, just over two years ago, now? She'd heard about it first from Sadie, then seen it in the tabloids. It had stung a little, brought up the memory of his ring on her finger, of taking it off and placing it in his palm as she said goodbye for good. But she'd shaken that feeling off.
His wife was a writer, but not particularly famous in her own right, so there weren't that many pictures of her floating around. In the few Jude had found of the two of them, though, they looked happy together. There was one in particular she remembered seeing deep into her googling, a candid shot taken at some industry event. His wife, a pretty, dark-haired woman with a round face, was laughing at something, and Tommy was smiling softly, looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Maybe it was foolish to think she could still read him, decipher his expressions in a photograph, no less, but Jude couldn't deny what she saw in the picture. She recognized the expression because it was the look he'd once given her, in their brief scraps of genuine happiness in the midst of all the disaster that had been their love story. He really loves this woman. The realization had hit her all at once. After the initial pang of grief, and a day or so of complicated regret, of "what if"s, of nostalgia, Jude had been genuinely happy for him. She'd moved on and so had he. Ultimately they had been wrong for each other, so the knowledge that he'd found someone that was right for him was a comfort more than anything.
But now here he was, drinking alone in a hotel bar, and here she was, lusting after another woman's husband. This wasn't like her. She had standards, morals, one of which was that she did not sleep with guys who had girlfriends, and that had to go double for wives. What the fuck was wrong with her? She needed to tread carefully here. She eyed the gold band on Tommy's left ring finger and finally asked, "What are you doing here, Tom?"
"I live here," he said dryly.
She rolled her eyes. "Don't be an ass. I didn't mean Toronto, I meant here here, in some fancy hotel bar in the middle of the night. Where's your wife?" She put a pointed emphasis on the word wife.
Tommy flinched at the question, and muttered, "Ex-wife."
"Oh." Her eyes widened. "Shit, Tommy, I didn't… When?"
"Uh, been about a month since she kicked me out. She hired a divorce lawyer last week."
Her heart sank. "When you said 'I live here'…"
"Always very perceptive, Harrison, congratulations," Tommy said sarcastically, taking another drink.
"But if she only hired a lawyer last week then you're not technically divorced, right?" Jude asked.
"Separated, divorced, it doesn't matter. She made a point to let me know she's on Tinder now, so that's just fucking awesome," he said bitterly. "It's over. Maybe not quite legally, yet, but…" he trailed off, shaking his head.
"I'm really sorry, Tommy," she said softly. He just shrugged. "What happened?"
He gave a bitter laugh. "I happened. Erica was dumb enough to marry me, and I fucked it up, because that's what I do, I fuck things up. You dodged a bullet, Harrison."
"Don't say that," she sighed. After a moment, she quietly asked, "Did you cheat? Is that what happened?"
His head snapped up. "No," he practically growled. "No, I did not."
"Whoa, okay! I just wondered because of… But that's good, Tommy. If you didn't cheat then how was it your fault? And how are you so sure it's hopeless? I mean, have you guys tried counseling or–"
"Jude," he cut her off, sharply, then spoke more calmly. "Look, I'm not having this conversation with you, okay?"
She sighed again, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "Okay. Yeah, that's fair. Sorry. I guess it's really none of my business."
"You're right, it isn't."
She didn't like the way he was glaring at her. Her eyes searched his face for a moment, taking in the stubble on his cheeks, the dark circles under his eyes, the slightly disheveled look to his hair that she was beginning to doubt was intentional. Her heart sank. This was all the worst parts of the old Tommy, all of the bitterness, the self-loathing, the drinking, the self-destructiveness. Those had always been there, always been a part of him, but she looked at him now and saw none of the passion, none of the fire and the wit that had been the things she loved. He looked tired, worn down, drained. It reminded her suddenly of the Tommy that had looked at her from the inside of a jail cell and told her that he wasn't good enough for her. She sighed. "You know what? I should go." She looked at him sadly for another moment before standing up.
A/N: I know this chapter break seems abrupt. I don't write with chapters in mind, which has never been a problem before, but this story really doesn't lend itself to being broken up evenly. I had to put a break somewhere or the first chapter would've been 11,000 words compared to ~2,000 for the other chapters. But fret not, I will post the next chapter now.
