54Chapter 4
Amanda was biting her lip, struggling to hold back a snarky remark. Just because Olivia had been working in SVU for fifteen years didn't mean she was immune to the basic survival strategy of denial, the blonde reminded herself, and a voice within her sarcastically snarled: See Atlanta 2013 for reference.
Amanda vehemently pushed the memories away. This was different, she coached herself. Amanda had spent the past two years convincing herself that what had occurred in that motel room had just been a misunderstanding. She would certainly recognize and fight rape in any way, shape or form when she encountered it, right? After all, that was literally her job description as a SVU detective! What Patton had done to her didn't count. It couldn't count. But something within her stirred at the thought.
So if Olivia denies she was raped, her reaction is textbook rape trauma - but if you deny you were raped, it's a demonstration of your unique reasoning skills? Just like fact that you've been sleeping with the lights on since that night is just another reminder that correlation doesn't equal causation and doesn't bear any deeper meaning whatsoever. Because you alone possess the ability to detach your mind from your emotions and judge your own case without bias, right?
Amanda involuntarily snorted at her own inner monologue and it was only when Olivia stiffened at the sound that Amanda was vaulted back into reality.
"I'm sorry", the brunette whispered and her apology sliced right through Amanda's conscience. Before Amanda could had a chance to clarify the circumstances of her disgruntled snort, Olivia elaborated. "I'm SVU. I should know better". The lieutenant sighed deeply at her own choice of words. "I do know better. I know that not remembering what happened afterwards doesn't indicate it didn't happen at all. Nobody just dissociates for no reason..."
Neither of them spoke for a while after that but Amanda couldn't shake the feeling that Olivia was now deliberately looking at her – as though she was trying to prove she could withstand her detective's probing gaze without crumbling to pieces again.
Several minutes later, the stubborn silence was disrupted by a cling when Olivia set down her mug on the coffee table. She fidgeted with the sleeves of her blouse for a bit and suddenly stiffened.
"Can I use your bathroom?" The question came out of nowhere and Amanda furrowed her brows in surprise. "Uhm yeah, sure. First door on the left"
Olivia got up and it was evident she was desperately trying not to run.
A/N: Can we pretend it's perfectly normal to get hit by some plot ideas out of the blue at two in the morning, scribble them down, go to sleep, forget about them, find them two days later, write a chapter and casually post it as if it hadn't been three years since the last update?
