Chapter 1

Deeks came to, confused and disoriented. He remembered getting on the naval helicopter in Syria, remembered laughing with Kensi about something, both relieved that their mission was over and they were heading home, right before the pilot yelled that someone had a lock on them. It was only moments later that they felt the jolt, saw the flames and the copter started to break apart around them. He'd tried to hold onto her hand but she'd been ripped away from him. Kensi! Where was she? He struggled upright, groaning at the pain in his head and side. He pulled himself up and out of the wreckage, yelling her name but getting no response. He stumbled around, finding the body of the pilot and copilot. The front of the bird had taken the worst of the damage and he felt grief that the two kind young men had met an awful ending. His need to find Kensi increased but he fell when he got so dizzy that he couldn't take another step. Lying on the ground, looking up at the sky, he begged, he bargained and he prayed.

When the dizziness abated a little, he rolled over and began to crawl, desperately trying to find the woman he loved beyond life. He couldn't believe it when he saw her foot sticking out from under a jagged remnant of the copter. He forced himself upright, made his way to her, pulled the piece off and flung it to the side. Later he would be told that piece had weighed over two hundred pounds but he'd moved it like it weighed nothing. He fell to his knees beside her, pushing the hair off her face. He was so afraid to feel for a pulse. So afraid he was going to spend the rest of his life alone, regretting that they hadn't acted sooner, that they had missed out on so much, convinced that they had all the time in the world. When he finally gathered his courage, he started to cry when he felt the fairly strong pulse under his finger.

"Kensi? Baby? I'm here and you're going to be just fine! I'm sure Callen and Sam are already on their way with help! You know the Wonder Twins will lead them to us, we'll be good and this will be quite the story to tell our kids and grandkids. God baby, wake up! I need to see those beautiful eyes so badly right now. I need you to punch me and tell me not to talk about tiny ninja assassins unless I really mean it. I love you more than anything in this world, more than I've ever loved anyone else, more than I ever thought I was capable of! You make me a better man, a better cop, a better person." He leaned down and kissed her lips gently, instantly missing her normal immediate response. His heart beat frantically in his chest. "Kensi, I meant to do this in a more romantic setting, also kinda counted on you being conscious, but I need you to know that I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, have a family with you! I've already bought the ring. It's in a safe deposit box at the bank. As soon as we get back, I'm going to ask you again and pray that you say yes! You've already made me the happiest man on the face of the planet and marrying you will be the best day of my life."

He reached down and kissed her again, running a trembling hand over her hair, murmuring softly to her, most of it incoherent as he started to feel the effects of his concussion. He was so focused on her he never heard the helicopter when it approached, didn't hear it land just outside the debris field of the crash. He only realized help had arrived when Callen and Sam started yelling his and Kensi's names. He stood up quickly and yelled. "Over here!" He watched his teammate's race to them and it was the last thing he remembered until he woke up in the hospital in Damascus. He'd asked for Kensi immediately and they would tell him nothing. They'd had to sedate him when he started to struggle to get out of the hospital bed, frantic to find her. Sam showed up and pushed him back down, telling him everything was going to be okay. The next time he woke up, they were back in the states and at Pacific Beach Medical.

~,~,~,~

Kensi woke up and stared at the ceiling. Every time she woke, she prayed that everything was just a bad dream. Every time she woke, she realized it wasn't. The voice of her doctor sounded in her head once again. Never walk again, never walk again, never walk again. A tear escaped and was quickly wiped away by a gentle hand. "Kens? Baby? It's okay, I'm here." She closed her eyes, tempted to lean into his hand. He'd been at her side from the moment she'd woken up. Hell, he was in the same helicopter crash but he'd walked away with just some scrapes, a concussion and fractured ribs while she had swelling on her spine that had caused paralysis from the waist down. Her doctor had said it might be temporary but they wouldn't know until the swelling went down and that could take days or weeks. The MRI had been inconclusive and they had begun her on a steroid regimen.

She couldn't sentence Deeks to the probability that she would never walk again, no longer be an agent. She knew he would never leave her but the idea of his being her nursemaid, helping her use the bathroom, helping her bathe, made her sick to her stomach. She'd always been strong and independent but now she was going to have to depend on others. She'd made up her mind during the night, when she'd woken to find him holding her hand just like he was now, his head on the bed and sound asleep. She was going to have to say things to him that she didn't mean, things that would break his heart, but he'd get over it and he would move on with his life. Find someone else, fall in love again, start a family, just not with her. She swallowed her tears and began.

She wrenched her hand out of his and opened her eyes to glare at him. God, his eyes were so beautiful and so full of love and concern. She could do this, she could. Before she could start he spoke. "Kensi, I thought I'd lost you, hell I almost did. My life would have been over. I wanted to do this in a better setting, on the beach with the sun painting the sky red and orange over our heads, but at least this time you're conscious! Kensi Marie Blye, will you marry me?" He pulled out the ring box he'd asked Nell to get from the bank. He popped it open and she looked at the ring that last week would have made her the happiest of women. It was perfect for her and proved just how well he knew her. She looked back up at him and steeled her features to an expression of indifference.

"No."

"I'm sorry? What?"

"No. I won't marry you."

"Baby, if you're saying no because of your uncertain future, you don't have to. I'll always be here, no matter what!"

"You are always so conceited! Believe it or not, not everything is about you. I simply don't want to marry you."

"But why?"

She drew in a deep breath and said the words that would cut him to the quick. "Because I don't love you! I haven't for a long time but just haven't been able to find the words to tell you. I don't want to marry you, I don't even want to live with you anymore!"

He looked at her as if he couldn't comprehend the words she'd just said. In fact, he couldn't understand them. The buzzing in his head and the constriction of his heart made everything seem all jumbled up. Then he replayed what she said and gasped out. "You don't mean that! It's the trauma speaking."

"I do mean it Deeks, I just wish I'd had the courage to say it sooner. I'm sorry but the answer was, and still is, no. Why don't you just go home now?"

He stood and turned his back to her, not wanting her to see the tears in his eyes as he snapped the lid on the ring box closed and shoved it into his pocket. He couldn't understand why she was saying these things. She'd told him plenty of times that she loved him, as recent as when they'd been on that damn copter. Their sex life hadn't diminished any. Could she be that good of an actress? He wondered once again if she was trying to push him away. To save him from having to spend the rest of his life with someone destined to spend the rest of hers in a wheelchair. He turned back. "Kensi, even if it's true that you don't love me anymore, you're still my partner and I'm not leaving here until you do!"

Damn him! He was going to make her hurt him more. She should have known he wouldn't leave her even if she convinced him she no longer loved him. He was one of the most loyal people she had ever met. She pulled out the big guns. "Yeah, about that. Even if I am able to walk again, I don't want you as my partner. Not anymore."

Again he was stunned into a one word question. "Why?"

"Damn it Deeks! If you'd been a real agent, a real trained agent instead of some half assed cop, maybe I wouldn't be here right now!"

"Are you kidding me right now? How the hell would your partner being a trained federal agent have prevented our helicopter from being blown out of the sky by insurgents? Tell me that?"

"Because if my partner had been a real agent, I probably wouldn't have been on that helicopter! I would have been back at the base with Sam and Callen, doing what I was trained to do instead of babysitting the stupid cop!" She watched as every ounce of blood drained out of his face, leaving him white and shaking. She wished she could take the words back but this was what needed to be done. He was too loyal a man to walk away if he thought she had even a momentary need for him by her side.

A numbness started at his feet and worked its way up his body to his head. He couldn't feel his extremities any more. She meant it. She meant all of it! He nodded once and turned away, stumbling out the door. He never noticed the little nurse who stood by the door, bandages in her hands, her mouth open as she watched the man walk away. She'd heard everything and her heart broke for him. Marty Deeks was a nice guy and so head over heels in love with her patient, it had captured her imagination. He's been so kind and polite to all the nursing staff. She couldn't believe the woman had been so cruel to him. She shook her head and entered the room as she'd originally intended when she'd overheard his proposal. It had been so romantic and she'd paused, not wanting to interrupt them and wanting to hear the answer. What followed had shocked her. She planned on giving the female federal agent the cold shoulder. She was stunned to find her sobbing into her pillow as if her heart was broken.

~,~,~,~

Deeks had no memory of leaving the hospital or driving to the U-Haul place. He stood in front of the shelves of moving boxes and knew what he'd decided without really thinking about it. He couldn't stay here where everything would remind him of her. He took piles of boxes off the shelves and brought them to the counter. While he was there he reserved a truck for tomorrow. He threw the boxes into the back of his truck and headed to a storage company where he paid rent for two units for one year. From there he finally headed…to his house. It no longer represented home to him. He hauled the boxes into the house, realizing he should probably have picked up Monty but then thought better of it. He was fine where he was and wouldn't be underfoot as he packed up the house.

He started methodically packing each room, carefully marking which box was his and which was Kensi's. He worked through the night, eventually falling into bed around 4 AM. He was up at 8 and walking down the street to the neighbor who had been watching his dog. He knocked and the door was quickly opened by Justin, his neighbor's high school age son. The boy walked Monty during the week for a reasonable sum, trying to earn enough money to buy a car before his senior year started in September. He also took Monty in when Deeks and Kensi had to be away. For a split second, he considered telling Justin he could have the dog, knowing how attached to him he'd become. He couldn't go through with it though. Monty was the only thing he had left.

"Hey Marty! Welcome home!"

"Hi Justin."

"You here for Monty?"

"Actually, could you keep him for a little while longer?"

"Sure. You know I love that dog, it's no bother to keep him for as long as you want me to."

"Thanks. Listen, do you have a friend who'd like to make a hundred bucks? A hundred for you too."

"Yeah! My buddy Derek could use the money. What do you need us to do?"

"Load and unload a moving truck."

"What? Yours? You're moving?"

"Yeah, I am. It's work related. Actually we're putting most of our stuff into storage until this assignment is over. It could take over a year and makes no sense paying rent for that amount of time for an empty place."

"So Kensi is going with you?"

He couldn't answer for a moment as his emotions rose up, fighting the numbness he still felt. He pushed it down, letting the frozen feeling take over once again. "Yeah, of course." He lied through this teeth.

"Damn, man! We'll miss you around here. Plus, I'll miss Monty."

"I know Justin. You and your folks have been great neighbors. But duty calls and I need to be away."

"You taking Monty?" The boys tone was hopeful.

"Yeah, sorry, we're able to take him with us."

"Oh. Okay. Let me give Derek a call. When do you want us?"

"Today. I need to go pick up the truck."

Justin pulled out his cell and confirmed that Derek was free and thrilled to be making some extra cash. They agreed to meet at Deeks's in an hour. The two shook hands and Deeks headed back to his truck. He drove to the U-Haul store and picked up the truck, leaving his in the parking lot. He drove home and knew nothing would ever be the same for him. He parked the truck outside the house and pushed up the back door. Justin and Derek showed up not long after. Between the three of them they made short work of filling up the truck and cleaning out the house. Unloading at the storage company took a little longer as they had to make sure they put the right boxes in the right unit. Kensi's was bigger and he put the bedroom set, dining room set and living room furniture they'd picked out together in hers. He wanted no part of them now. His surfboard, wetsuit and the duffel bag he'd packed for himself, Monty's food, bed and toys, plus the suitcase he'd packed for Kensi, stayed in the back. When they were done, he drove the boys home, picked up Monty and dropped off the truck, putting their stuff in the locked bed and settling the old dog in the seat beside him. He was surprised to find it was only two in the afternoon. He felt like he'd lived a lifetime in the last two days.

Picking up his cell phone, he called his mother. "Hi Mama." He said as soon as she picked up.

"Martin? Is everything okay? Is it Kensi?" Damn, she could always tell when something was wrong.

"No. No, everything is not okay but Kensi is not any worse. Listen, I'm going away for a while and I may not be in touch very often."

"Going away? You can't do that now! You need to be here for Kensi, she needs you!"

Deeks snorted out a laugh that held no humor. "No Mama, she doesn't."

"Honey? What's going on?"

"Let's just say she told me exactly what she thought of me and the fact that she doesn't need or want me in her life anymore."

"Did you ever think she's just pushing you away because she thinks she'd be a burden to you now?"

"That was my first thought and I told her so. Her response was that I was conceited and made everything about me. Mama, she told me she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. I need to get away, I can't be here! I'll just end up back at the hospital and…I don't think I can take another rejection like that."

"Oh Martin, I'm so sorry baby!"

"Yeah, me too. I gotta go. I love you and I'll be in touch soon, okay?"

"Promise me you'll be careful? Where are you going? Do you want to come here?"

"No, Mama, I need to be alone and I'm not exactly sure where I'm going."

"I love you Martin."

"I love you too. Bye."

He hung up and made one more call. Kip answered on the second ring. "Hey Marty-Mar! What's shakin'?"

"Hey Kip, are you home or out of town?"

"Out of town, why?"

"Damn. I was hoping to borrow your old pickup. You know, the one you had bought when you signed your rookie deal. I need to get out of town for a while and I don't want anyone to be able to track me."

"Seriously dude? Marty, what's going on? Something happen with you and Kensi? Is it work related? Someone after you? You know you can hang out at my place anytime!"

"Thanks Kip, I appreciate it. I just…I just need to get away from L.A. for a bit. Don't worry, no one is trying to kill me."

"So it is Kensi! What happened man? You two seemed so good together."

"I thought so too. Apparently I was the only one in that relationship that did."

"Oh dude, I'm so sorry! Listen, feel free to take the truck. You have a key to my place, just let yourself in. The keys to the pickup are hanging on a rack just inside the kitchen. It's on that cheesy #1 keychain you gave me when I bought it. The truck is in the garage. Just leave yours in its place and it'll be safe."

"Thanks Kip! I mean it, you're a good friend."

"Listen, Marty. Are you sure you don't want to stay with me for a while? I can get on a plane and be there in just a few hours."

"No, there's no need for you to do that. I have a good idea of where I'm going but I'm not going to tell you. Be aware that federal agents from NCIS might show up on your doorstep looking for me. If they try to tell you I'm wanted for questioning in some case or another just tell them you talked to me but have no idea where I was going or why I was leaving. Don't let on that I have your truck. Don't let them into the garage without a warrant." He sighed. "I'm not even sure this is needed. They'll probably be glad to see the back of me."

"I'm sure that's not true! You've been with them for years, you're part of their team, their work family."

"I thought so but now I'm not so sure. Hell, I'm not sure of anything anymore except I need to get out of here."

"You be careful, you hear me? I don't want to find out you got yourself killed doing something stupid!"

"You sound like mama."

"I always did like that woman!"

"I know man. Thanks again. I'll try to be in touch when I can."

"You'd better!"

"Bye Kip." Deeks hung up.

Kip stared at the phone. He didn't like the sound of his old friend's voice and decided to cut short his holiday no matter what he said. He'd always been there for him, it was his turn to be there for Marty. Even if he was already gone when he got home, he'd be where Marty could find him if he needed him.

Once he'd hung up, Deeks turned off his cell phone and took the battery out. Wouldn't do to leave Nell and Eric a way to track him so easily, if they did at all. He knew they might have Kaleidoscope looking for him, if they bothered, but was hoping that switching vehicles would throw them off the track. He'd also gone over his truck and disabled the GPS in it, looking for other tracking devices but finding none. It should be hard to trace sitting in Kip's huge garage.

He had a couple more errands to run and then he'd be gone. First thing he did was drop off the key to the house at the realtor, giving his notice to her. He was a tenant at will so only needed to give a month's notice. He wrote a check out for next month and shook her hand. She was sorry to see him go. He and his girlfriend had been great tenants. From there he did the next to hardest. He stopped in at his precinct to meet with Lt. Bates. Bates looked up to find his best, and most troublesome, detective enter his office.

"What's up Deeks?"

"Lt., I'm here to give my notice."

Bates sighed and said. "Well, I've been expecting it. Surprised it took you this long to make the jump to federal agent. It's gonna be weird to address you as Agent Deeks."

"I'm not becoming a federal agent."

"You…what? What the hell then?"

"I'm just done with being a cop. It's time to move onto something else."

"What about Kensi? She okay with this?"

"She's fine with it." He replied shortly. He placed his badge, gun, letter of resignation and the NCIS laptop on the Lt.'s desk. "This laptop is encrypted and should be passed on to the next Liaison."

"Have you given your notice at NCIS?"

"Don't have to. By giving my notice here, I can no longer be the Liaison anymore anyway."

"Kid, what's really going on?"

"I'm just done Bates." He held out his hand and the Lt. reluctantly took it. He knew there was something more going on with Deeks but he also knew the man was the most stubborn person he'd ever met and there was a good chance he'd never know the rest of the story. Deeks walked out and Bates stared at the items on his desk. Finally making up his mind, he reached out to his phone and dialed a number he'd hoped never to have to again.

"Lange."

"Miss. Lange, it's Roger Bates, LAPD."

"Yes Lt. What can I do for you? Mr. Deeks is not here."

"I know. He just left here. He also left his badge and gun, along with a letter of resignation."

Hetty felt her hopes rise and she smiled. Finally! Her Mr. Deeks was going to accept the agent position she'd offered him years ago. "I'm sorry Lt., but he'll make an excellent agent."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't get your hopes up. He told me he wasn't becoming an agent and he left the NCIS laptop in my care for the next Liaison."

"He...what? Why would he do that?"

"Damned if I know. He resigned and said he was done being a cop."

"Bugger!"

~,~,~,~

Deeks pulled up to his last stop and looked up at the beautiful house where Kensi's mom lived. He'd been dreading this most of all. He got out of the truck and fingered the envelope in his hand. It held the key and the receipt to the storage unit. He opened the back of the truck and pulled out the suitcase he'd packed for Kensi. He slowly walked up to the front door, fighting his inclination to turn and run. He paused at the front door and couldn't seem to make himself knock. That decision was removed from his control when the door opened. "Marty? What are you doing here? Do you want to come in?"

Deeks shook his head no. "Mrs. Feldman, I just wanted to drop these off with you." He handed her the suitcase and the envelope addressed to Kensi.

She looked at him in surprise and asked. "Mrs. Feldman? What happened to Julia? What's in here?"

"Key and receipt to a storage unit on Culver. Rent has been paid for the next year."

"What? Why would Kensi need that?"

"I put all her stuff into storage."

"I don't understand. Why would you do that?"

"I'm leaving town and I've given up the house."

Julia looked at the envelope in her hand and then at the man standing on her doorstep. When she finally put two and two together and realized that he was abandoning her baby girl when she needed him most, her hand swung out of its own volition, striking him across the face. "You're a coward!"

Deeks nodded and turned away, hearing the door slam behind him.

~,~,~,~

A/n – this story came to me when I heard ECO and DR at both comic cons (London and San Diego), talking about the proposal but wouldn't answer anything about an engagement. The two bantered about how good DR was in that scene but with a weird vibe. Made me think she wasn't conscious. ECO later prodded DR into saying how good he was, the two even mentioning that a crew member told them he'd been doing this for years and it was the first time he'd ever cried. Instagram showed pictures of a broken up helicopter, a bloodied Deeks and one showing him standing in a hospital hallway. Someone mentioned that they'd seen a wheelchair and with DR out on maternity, it made sense that she was badly hurt, as sitting in the wheelchair would hide her very advanced pregnancy. I'm sure the ideas going through my head are way off base but it wouldn't leave me alone. Originally I thought this would be a one shot, but it got out of my control. See Cotillion! Not that I ever intend to write anything that long again. I'm thinking two, maybe three chapters at most. Feel free to review if you get the chance!