***** Please support the official video game title if you enjoyed this fan-made parody or the game in general. Spoilers abound. Please watch yourself and hope you don't see any visions of the future. No, really. You don't want that. *****

"Eons ago, in a paradoxical world with endless ocean and sky, two great titans fought ankle-deep in this ocean, their heads scraping the atmosphere, causing global warming for us, but that's not the point to the story. Their names were the Bionis and the Mechonis. Man verses Machine, Homs verses Artificial Intelligence, et cetera. You know the drill. No one knows why they fought, only that evidence of it still remains today —"

"Oh, so like that fossilized Twilight disk I found last week!" Fiora remarks. Shulk pauses, mid-read in the book, and cracks a sheepish smile.

"I'm pretty sure Dickson found some odd depictions of…vampires and werewolves? yesterday in some Giants' ruins." Dunban joins in, lounged on his bed. The pair look up from the floor, glance at each other, and close the book promptly.

"I always knew I hated history for some reason or another." Shulk mutters.

"I suddenly feel ashamed to live on Bionis."

---

In the Battle of Sword Valley, a year-younger Dunban and "loyal" wartime companions Dick…son and Mumkhar, fall back to hide behind some cover.

"They're advancing down our weak right flank. We're never going to win this."

"Weak right flank? I thought it was the left flank." Dickson says defensively.

"Oh, yeah? Wanna fight me, Dick?"

"Yeah, like the Monado's gonna save you from me." he snips back.

Mumkhar adjusts his position against the cover uncomfortably. "Guys, we don't have time for this, we gotta move! Right flank, left flank, who the heck cares! I just want to get going already!"

"It's my right, you jerk." Dunban says darkly, standing up. "And the Monado will whup your butt any day."

"If it could whup a Homs."

"Haha, hahaha, haha, I'm sure I'm fine." he says with a twist of his mouth.

"It can't hurt anything from the Bionis, you twit!"

All three are silent. "So… Bunnivs aren't from the Bionis…?" Mumkhar mumbles, eyes wide. "O-oh my gosh, I've been lied to my whole life! If Bunnivs are from the Mechonis, then that means that I've gotta respect my childhood pet Bunniv's life and join the Mechonis! See ya, losers!"

Dickson and Dunban say nothing. They can only stare as Mumkhar bounds toward Galahad Fortress, whistling a sordid tune. Finally, Dunban coughs something out. "Wait, Mumkhar, why're you heading toward the enemy stronghold?! They don't know you had a pet from Mechonis-!"

Their friend's screams were all they needed to hear.

"Great. Dickson, you didn't have a pet Krabble or anything when you were a child, did you?"

Dickson is thoughtful for a moment. And then he says: "Hm… Not that I can remember. Krabbles were nothing to me, you know…" The man begins to chuckle. "But I did have a pet Homs. Oh, the memories."

"Oh, that's great." Beat. "Wait, what?"

"No time! We're lucky the Mechon haven't shot at us yet!"

The two hurry up, and Dunban grins wickedly, activating the Monado. Dickson looks at him with alarm. "What are you doing?! We have no hope to win this battle right now! There's always later, you know! No need to rush things, though…" A musing look crosses his face. "Though I'm sure that you'll finally realize you're not the Chosen One by trying to win this stupid battle."

"Haha! But I am the Chosen One! Born in a world of strife! Against the odds! We choose to fight! Blossom Dance! Ka-chow!" With a leap, Dunban advances the flank of Mechon and wipes them out easily with one swipe of the Monado. Dickson whistles at the effortless swing and the Mechon carnage ensuing, but only shakes his head and hangs back — not like he could do anything if the Monado is that effective.

"See?! Whatdaya think of that, huh, Dickson?" Suddenly, Dunban's egotistical glory is cut short by a reality check. He shrieks and drops to his knees, his right arm sparking and crackling with electricity.

"I think you're quite stupid." he replies.

"N-no, I-I've got to get to the Monado tutorial battle-!" the hero gasps. "The player needs to see how this goes!"

"They get it again once Zanza gets his Monado back." Dickson says nonchalantly, shrugging. "Don't worry about it, Dunban, let's just fall back, you're not exactly left-handed, so you can't do anything now, capisce? Besides, you're being selfish with it, you're not the Chosen One!"

Dunban sheds one manly tear before letting Dickson throw his numb arm, lacerated and bleeding, over his shoulder and supports him as they walk out, abandoning every other defense force soldier fighting for Bionis. "We'll let them fall back to Colony 6. Things can't end well for them, anyways." Dickson says with a slight sneer to his tone. His friend can only nod. "Chosen One, you? Main character and hero, you? Ha!"

"And that's how the Battle of Sword Valley went!" Dickson finishes proudly. Shulk can only stare at him. "And now the Monado is your's to research, Shulk m'boy, hope you're happy now. It only cost Dunban's arm to tear it away from him forever."

"Yay! Thanks, Dad!"

"I'm not your dad."

"Yay! Thanks, Surrogate Dad!"

"You don't want me as your dad."