DISGAIDEN

Part 1: Deus Ex Machina

A small ball of light traversed the infinite darkness, wandering in the abyss in quiet solitude. The light carried a sleeping figure within it, their body in the fetal position. They had no particular destination in mind. The person just kept flying forward, appearing as little more than a shooting star to residents of the many Netherworlds dotting this universe.

In the past, this person landed in various Netherworlds, but then left as soon as they came. They were like a dream, or a ghost – there for a brief moment, and then gone the next. Not many demons remembered this stranger clearly. Those who did dismissed it as some distant memory or a figment of their imagination.

What did the future hold for such an elusive character? Would they continue wandering in the obscure abyss? Or would they finally find stability in a Netherworld? The answer would come in the conclusion of a legendary, near cataclysmic event known across all Netherworlds as the Big Fusion.

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The Netherworld was a universe inhabited by demons, separate from the world of Celestia populated by angels, and a third world consisting of humans who led very short lives compared to the other two races. The overall universe had smaller worlds also dubbed Netherworlds (perhaps to link them together as pieces of a much larger puzzle). Each of these smaller locations were inhabited by demons ruled by a great leader known as an Overlord. Whether the sovereign's rule was benevolent or tyrannical, millions of lesser demons obeyed them.

That was, all except for one spot in a particular Netherworld. The underworld known as Hades was where sinful humans who died were manufactured into penguin creatures called Prinnies, and then trained under the watchful eye of a well known Prinny Instructor to become loyal servants to their new masters. Hades had five rivers flowing from its castle and extending far into the land, too great for even the Prinny Instructor to explore – perhaps the tail ends of these rivers could be considered Netherworlds in themselves. Four of them were Acheron, the River of Woe; Coctyus, the River of Lamentation; Phlegethon, the River of Fire; and Styx, the River of Hate. Each of them already had decently populated demon civilizations.

The final river was Lethe, the River of Oblivion, possessing the power to erase the memories of anyone who consumed its waters. This one was exceptional in that it was entirely abandoned and desolate, which was appropriate considering the area's reputation. The only ones who resided here were some of the strongest but most mindless monsters in Hades, as well as bounty hunting Prinnies whom the Prinny Instructor deemed valiant and worthy enough to face them.

And right now, such an epic battle waged between the weakest demons in the Netherworld and the strongest creatures to ever befoul Lethe.

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"DOOOOOOD!"

An explosion from a dragon's fire ball rocked the grey earth, and several Prinnies were sent flying across the horizon. They exploded into comical puffs of smoke shaped like Prinnies (because, for some arbitrary reason, they would explode if thrown). This dragon was proving to be far more powerful than the squadron of elite Prinnies could manage. All that remained were four Prinnies; their comrades were either KO'ed from attacks or from their cursed explosive fate. Even so, these four Prinnies would not spend time mourning the loss of their comrades. They had a bounty to win, and it was going to be theirs.

"Lowalski, what does the scouter say about its power level, dood?" the quartet's leader Kippers asked.

The tallest Prinny, Lowalski, whipped out a device from his fanny pack and placed it on his eye, then made calculations until a digital number popped up.

"Good news, Kippers. The scouter reads 1006, dood."

"Wait, what? Try that again, dood."

He did, and 1006 came up again. Kippers then said, "Okay then, dood. What's the Private's power level?"

Lowalski pointed his gadget at the nervous Pvt. Ryan as he quivered in his skin at the might of this crazy dragon. Lowalski reported, "His power level is… 1001. Kind of to be expected, dood."

"That's not fair, dood!" Ryan complained.

"And for the record, Reeko's is 9001, dood."

"Hot damn, dood! I'd make a certain joke by now, but not only has it become a tired meme, but our friend is getting a little impatient from listening to us talk, dood," Kippers pointed his fin to the angry dragon. He called out to the Prinny with the rocket launcher, "Kick his ass, Reeko!"

"$^&% *($, 4004!" Reeko garbled nonsense and happily fired some missiles at the dragon. Smoke billowed out everywhere and Reeko was quite certain he'd done the job and they would be the richest Prinnies in the Netherworld.

Ryan shuddered, "Did he get it, dood?"

"Rule #1, Private – never say that line while the area's covered in smoke," Kippers reminded him. "You're only setting us up to be jinxed in the worst possible way, dood."

Just then, Reeko's body was sent flying through the smoke and he smacked right dab against a boulder, destroying his weapon. The dragon emerged and roared at the three remaining Prinnies.

"See? What'd I tell you, dood?" Kippers proudly smacked Ryan's back.

"Um, I would be impressed with your logic, but now's not really the time for that, dood…"

"More importantly… Lowalski! What's going on here, dood!? I thought you said Reeko's power level was over nine thousand! Why is he getting knocked around by a power level of 1006, dood!?"

Lowalski fumbled with his device and said, "I'm trying to figure that out, dood… Oh wait, I think I know what it is."

"Well, don't keep us in suspense, dood. What seems to be the problem?" Kippers asked.

"I, uh… Had it upside down."

"Upside down, huh? A rather common mistake for a rookie like yourself, dood."

Ryan uttered, "Wait, hold on, dood. If the scouter was upside down, then that means the numbers were upside down, right, dood?"

"Sounds about right, dood."

"Then Reeko's power level of 9001 should be…"

"Ahem… It's 1006, dood," Lowalski admitted.

"So then the dragon's power level of 1006 is…"

"9001."

"Mine's still 1001, right?"

"Yes, dood."

Kippers put his hands behind his back and gazed at the dragon with a mixed look of disappointment and befuddlement. "You know, Lowalski, I sometimes have to ask myself why I still bother asking you for numbers and stats when we should be busy getting ourselves killed in a suicide mission, dood. No, no, not even that. Why are we even relying on video game mechanics in a written story in the first place, dood?"

"I don't believe that scouters are a video game concept, Kippers," Lowalski reminded.

"How true, dood."

"AHHHHHHHH!" Ryan panicked and ran for his life past the near comatose Reeko. The dragon took chase after him and grabbed him in its mouth.

"Atta'boy, Private! Keep the big guy distracted while we come up with a better plan!" Kippers cheered.

Ryan couldn't come up with a quipping comeback before he was tossed into the air like a rag doll. While in the beginning trajectory of his arc, the Private came to the grim realization that once he hit the ground, he was going to be witnessed in the distance as a large puff of Prinny shaped smoke, with his three comrades standing atop a cliff at sunset saluting the loss of their fallen brother.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE A GAG, DOOOOOOOOOD!"

"Poi."

Pvt. Ryan had his eyes squeezed shut, not wanting to witness his inevitable demise. He remained like this for a minute, but realized he was still alive. He didn't seem to be hurtling across the air anymore. In fact, it felt like he was being held by someone.

"… Poi, dood?" he uttered and opened his eyes.

He found himself at ground level, definitely being carried in someone's arms. They set him down gently and he got a better look at his savior – a short statured girl with teal hair decorated with a heart shaped hair pin, her purple eyes listless and bored. She wore a pink shawl with sleeves that were so ridiculously long that they nearly reached the ground, and she had a white bodysuit with blue cloud or wave patterns at the knees.

"Poi. Dat's what I shed," the girl replied with a thick lisp.

"I, uh… Well, I'm not quite sure what to say here except thanks for your help, dood."

"I shaw shumding fwying stweit for me, sho I caught it. You wooked wike a football or shumding wike dat. I wash about to shay 'Tawchdown', but then I shaw you were a Pwinny. How did you fwy so faw and fasht wike dat? Pwinnies don't fwy, wight?"

"I got tossed by a big dragon, and- Ah! That's right, dood! My brothers are back there fighting it right now!" Ryan panicked and ran around in circles. "Ahh, but I know we don't stand a chance against it, dood! But if I don't do something soon, they're gonna be Prinny fireworks, dood! Ohhh, what do I do, dood!?"

"Hm mu mu mu…" the strange demon girl mumbled, and then walked toward the battle site after they heard an explosion in the distance. "It's dat way, yesh? I go dat way den."

"Hey, are you crazy, dood!? You're going to get yourself killed!" Ryan skidded in front of her.

"But I'm bewy, bewy hungwy. I heea' dat dwagon shoup ish good fow da shoul, yesh? I wanna sway da dwagon and have da wegendewy shoup fow da shoul. Den my tummy won't be so wumbwy tumbwy ahw da time."

"Have you officially lost your mind, dood?"

"I dunno… Dey shay you do weird dings when hungwy."

Meanwhile, Kippers was in a dodging death match against the dragon, taunting his opponent and jumping left and right to avoid its menacing jaws. While Kippers distracted the monster, Reeko regurgitated a giant knife from his belly and passed it to Lowalski up in a dead tree nearby. The tall Prinny held the knife in his beak and slid down the winding branches on his belly, launching from a stalk shaped like a ramp into the air and directly for the dragon's back.

"Geronimo, dood!" he called out, baring the knife straight for where he assumed a critical artery would be on the nape of its neck. He jammed it into the flesh, causing the beast to roar in pain and throw him off. The dagger remained in the dragon's skin and the monster tried to get it out, but its arms were too short to reach back there.

"An inch too far on the right, but all things considered, that is quite an impressive feat from Yours Truly, dood," Lowalski took pride in his accomplishment.

Kippers and Reeko darted in front of the howling dragon and jumped high over its gaping open mouth together, opening their fanny packs and unleashing a torrential rain of bombs, knives, weapons and other sharp and explosive things into its throat. The Prinnies landed and struck a pose, and Reeko pushed a button on a switch to activate the bombs and explode the dragon into smithereens.

"'Power levels' my hide!" Kippers grinned. "When the going gets tough, the tough become badasses, dood!"

"^&%# ( 4004!" Reeko agreed.

"And with that, our pockets have become 100,000 Hell heavier," Lowalski wrote some numbers in a small ledger he always carried around with him. "Not too shabby for having lost 20 of our comrades in three turns."

Unfortunately for them, three more dragons who had heard the commotion emerged from nearby caverns and found the Prinnies celebrating over their dead friend's carcass. To say they weren't pleased would have been a massive understatement.

"… Lowalski," Kippers muttered. "Any possibility of us increasing that amount another 300,000 Hell, dood?"

The genius inventor Prinny whipped out a calculator and did some lightning fast mathematics, then reported direly, "According to my statistics, the probability of us surviving this assault is less than one percent, dood."

"Why not just say zero percent, dood? We know we're gonna die a brutal, horrible and miserable death anyway."

"That one percent involves the improbable Deus ex Machina scenario which I always factor in as a miniscule ray of hope, dood."

"That has to be the lamest thing I have ever heard in my life, dood."

"#^&$^& 4004!" Reeko complained.

"You're suggesting the Private will come to our rescue? He's probably running to the Angel Lady and telling her we can't pay our debt 'cause we're too busy being dead, dood," Kippers rolled his eyes.

The dragons got closer and closer to them, glaring at the trio with their beady eyes. Although nervous, the Prinnies maintained a brave façade so that they could at least be gobbled up like true soldiers. That was when one dragon paused for a moment, then rolled its eyes back, keeled onto its side and lay there, having died instantly from a silent barrage of feather quills piercing through its spine and blood vessels.

"What just happened, dood?" Kippers glanced around, trying to find the source of these feathers. The dragons did too, and that was when the blue-haired girl with the lisp teleported right on one creature's head in a calming puff of white feathers. She bent forward and stared directly at the dragon's eyes with no fear. The other monster found her and charged its fire breath, then exhaled a stream of flames at her. She just disappeared in another burst of feathers, leaving the first monster to be burnt alive before it could even react.

Meanwhile, Ryan returned to his brothers and shouted, "Hey, guys!" He panted for a bit before asking, "Did you see a little girl come this way, dood? I was trying to stop her, but-!"

"Private," Kippers demanded, "what in the nine levels of Hell is going on here, dood?"

"Beg your pardon?"

Kippers pointed his fin at the dead dragons while the little demon girl teleported everywhere to avoid the final dragon's streams of fire breath. "Who's the blatantly overpowered kid playing around with enemies that are too strong for us, dood?"

"I, uh… I honestly don't have a clue, Kippers. She just caught me 'bout a mile away, and then said she wanted dragon soup 'cause she was hungry, dood."

"You wouldn't lie to your superior now, would you, dood?"

"Never, dood! I'd stake my life on it, dood!"

"Well I'll be a damned Prinny, dood," Lowalski's eyes welled up with tears, and then he shoved his beak against Reeko's face. "The Deus ex Machina really did happen, dood! Bwa ha ha ha ha! What did I tell you, dood!? Never ever discount the one percent, dood! Viva statistics! Viva percentages! Viva plot twists, dood!"

"Oy," Reeko grunted.

The girl didn't pay any attention to the Prinnies as she stood in front of the last dragon, virtually puny compared to the massive legendary beast. It lumbered over her, opened its massive jaws, and swallowed her whole. She had made no movement to get out of the way, as if completely oblivious to the danger before her. The Prinny Squadron's eyes pretty much boggled out of their sockets at the sight.

"NOOOOOO-"

Then the dragon stopped and contorted its face in pain, and then clutched its chest. Suddenly, its upper abdomen exploded in a gut wrench spray of blood. The little demon girl emerged from the crevice she just made with her magic and hopped onto the ground carrying the dragon's heart, her hair and clothes totally soaked in red liquid, her expression still dull and ignorant of the danger she just went through. The dead dragon collapsed behind her with a fantastic thud that shook the ground.

"-OOOOO WAAAAAAAYYYYY, DOOOOOOOOD!"the four Prinnies screamed, frantically flailing their stubby arms.

The girl set her gory prize down and walked past the stunned Prinnies to gather some timber from a few dead trees nearby, and then arranged it to create a makeshift camp fire. None of the Prinnies could muster the courage to ask her what she was doing, but Pvt. Ryan finally squeaked, "Um… So, uh, are you going to be using that heart to make your soup, dood?"

"Definitewy," the girl replied with an eager smile. "I heawd dat dwagon's heawt shoup ish da besht ding in da Nethawowd. I nevah twied it befowe and I'm vewy, vewy hungwy fwom twavewing. I shaw dose dwagons, so I deshided to wand hewe and make a heawty bowu… Pawdon the pun."

"Were you not scared, dood?"

"Muu? Why shouwd I be skehed?"

"Um… Oh, never mind, dood," Ryan nodded and let her continue her business. He glared at Kippers and grumbled, "Do you still think I'm lying, dood?"

"Fine, fine, you've made your point, dood," Kippers admitted. He turned to Lowalski and asked, "How's the balance, dood?"

"Oh yeah… I was kind of busy calculating our new friend's power level, dood…" Lowalski fiddled with his scouter. The reading beeped wildly with the word 'OVER' again and again, and then the device exploded into fragments off his face. The Prinnies stood there in total silence. The oblivious girl jumped onto the dragon that the Prinnies had killed, extracted the knife that Lowalski used and then proceeded to cut the heart into manageable pieces, humming a pleasant tune while butchering.

"Dood," was all Ryan could say.

"Okay then, mystery solved, dood. Let's change the topic before we inadvertently empty our bowel systems on the spot, dood," Kippers replied. "So, Lowalski, how's our balance coming along now, dood?"

"I don't think I need to say this, but since you asked, dood, our debt has now been reduced by an additional 300,000 Hell."

"Holy sardines on a silver platter, dood. Do you boys have any inkling as to what this means, dood?"

"Um…" Ryan tried to think for a moment. "It means we survived by the skin on our beaks, dood?"

"That too, yes. But think a little harder, Private. That kid can slaughter enemies that we can't fight, right, dood?"

"Looks like it, dood."

"And no matter who kills the target, as long as they are in the party, we all equally earn the bounty, right, dood?"

"Is that how it works, dood?"

"Lowalski just said it, dood. We've become 400,000 Hell richer today, dood. And we don't have to divide it between 20 Prinnies – just the four of us, dood," Kippers pointed his fin at the befuddled Pvt. Ryan.

The younger Prinny asked, "But what about the kid, dood? Doesn't she count?"

"She tore a dragon apart just to make a freakin' soup, dood. I'm pretty sure she'll be satisfied with that, dood."

"Well, if you say so, dood… Wait, why are we even having this conversation to begin with, dood?"

"I think I know what Kippers is insinuating, dood," Lowalski stepped in. "If we can get on our new friend's good side, then she won't have any problem killing our targets for us, dood. The Hell will pour in like crazy, and we can pay our debt to the Angel Lady much sooner than I originally calculated, dood."

Ryan finally figured out what his brothers suggested and became nervous. "Are you sure that's a good idea, dood? That technically counts as a crime that would increase our debt, right, dood?"

"Criminal debts are a fixed amount. Even if it did go up, the kid can just work it off for us, dood. Besides, this is the Netherworld - we're expected to do bad things. It's just the way of life here, dood," Kippers assured him.

"But the Angel Lady is the one in control of our debt, and she's from Celestia. What if she finds out, dood? You know how awfully good she is with numbers, dood."

"Simple. We just make sure the Angel Lady doesn't meet our new friend, and she'll be none the wiser, dood. Don't be so frantic. Everything will work out one way or another, dood."

"I-If you say so, Kippers…" Ryan shuddered.

"Good! Reeko, Private, go help the kid prepare the ingredients for our lunch, dood! Lowalski, you and I will pay a quick visit to the Angel Lady with our bounty money, dood."

"I can't wait to see the look on her greedy face, dood," Lowalski grinned broadly and followed his brother over the hill. Reeko skidded next to the unknown girl, whipped out a few knives from his fanny pack, and helped her cut the dragon's heart. Ryan scrounged around the area for a few edible berries, still feeling uneasy about taking advantage of the demon girl's strength. He returned with his findings, seeing Reeko regurgitate a pot (that was obviously too big for him to have swallowed, but screw logic) for the girl to cook her meal with.

"Pawfect," she nodded, and Reeko dramatically posed. "Now I need shome watah fwom da wivah."

Reeko saluted and waddled toward the Lethe River, coughing up a bunch of plastic bottles to gather the water with. Ryan set his berries next to the pot while the girl cast a simple Fire spell on the timbers to get the camp fire going.

"Fawst da meat needs to be tendawized or elsh it'd be wike eating a wock," she explained. "Den we add da watah and wet it boil fow a whywu, den we can add fwavowings and wet dem cook togethah."

"Sounds simple enough, dood," Ryan said and sat next to her. Something occurred to him and he asked the girl, "By the way, I'm Pvt. Ryan, but everyone calls me Private, dood. The Prinny that went to fetch water is Reeko, and the two who left are the commander Kippers and the inventor Lowalski. What's your name, dood?"

"My name?" she looked puzzled. "Hmmmm… Muuuu… Mmmmm…"

"Yes, your name, dood. What is it?"

The kid cocked her head innocently and tried thinking about it again. The silence was so unbearable that Ryan finally uttered, "Do you not have one, dood?"

"Hmm… I thought I did… Oh maybe not… I dunno…"

"This could be a problem, dood…" Ryan realized. "How could you not know your own name, dood?"

"I wash sweeping fow a vewy, vewy wong time."

"Sleeping, dood?"

"Yeah. I twavel between Nethawowlds in a deep sweep. I go to one, they tewu me to weave, den I go back to sweep and twavel shome moah."

"Why are you traveling so much, dood?" Ryan asked.

"Hmm… 'Caush I wanna find a new home. Wots and wots of Nethawowds weject me and I have to find anothaw one. Hmm… Ish this Nethawowld gonna weject me too? But I'm so vewy, vewy tiwed of twaveling…" she complained sullenly.

Ryan insisted, "No, no, I won't reject you! I'm sure my brothers won't turn you away either, dood! We're super grateful for you saving our lives back there! We would be stupid to say you can't stay here, dood!"

The girl's tired eyes lit up. "Weally? I can shtay?"

"Of course you can, dood! You can stay as long as you like, dood!"

"Yaaay! Dat makes me vewy, vewy happy!" she raised her arms up joyously. "Yow my fawst fwiend evah, Pwivate!"

"Aw, shucks. You're making me blush, dood," Ryan's cheeks flushed pink.

"Sho what's dis Nethawowld wike? It wooks nice and quiet. Wots of Nethawowlds have wots and wots of demons, and I can't find a nice quiet pwace to shtay."

"This entire Netherworld is called Hades, and we're on the Lethe River, one of five that extends from the center of Hades, dood. The other rivers are populated with demons, but this one has been abandoned due to the powerful monsters living here, dood. But if you can kill those monsters as easily as you did earlier, then you'll have no problem calling this river your home, dood."

"Powahful monshtas? Oh awe the demons here too weak to fight dem?" the girl wondered curiously.

"Well, uh… It could be either one, dood," Ryan sweated, noting the irony of her question. "Just don't say that to someone from Hades though, dood. You might make them really angry."

"'Kay."