93Chapter 10
Without thinking, Amanda clasped a hand over her mouth and the impact sent a sudden wave of torturous pain through Amanda's already contused wrist. It was only by the scream of agony that followed when both women realized she had involuntarily used the injured one.
"Amanda!" Olivia abruptly leaned towards the blonde but stopped herself mid-motion, torn between wanting to help Amanda without scaring her by approaching without her consent.
She ignored the distressed bark from Amanda's bedroom, focused on the shaking woman on the opposite side of the couch. Even though the blonde was hiding from her gaze, Olivia was fairly certain she was crying and the occasional whimpers of pain tore through her heart like a poisonous spear. Olivia sighed but waited, determined not to scare the younger woman any more than she already was. The way Amanda was turned away from her reminded Olivia of someone trying to shield their body from violent blows and Olivia realized she had lost count on how many times she had seen her detective like this in the previous hours. It was an uphill battle but Olivia was determined to stand by Amanda's side.
"You're safe, Amanda" Olivia reassured her, "I only want to help. I know you're in pain but can you please look at me?"
Nothing.
"Amanda, please talk to me" Olivia prodded gently. "You must be hurting really bad right now"
Nothing.
Remembering what the blonde had described only minutes prior, Olivia tried a different angle. "I think you can hear me but you're too overwhelmed right now to speak. You don't have to if it's too much but can you please let me know whether my words are getting through to you?"
Olivia was relieved beyond words when Amanda responded with the tiniest of nods but the tension in the room was still palpable. For now, it was probably safer to attend to Amanda's physical pain, Olivia decided. Nevertheless, she couldn't shake the feeling that Amanda's sudden withdrawal had as much to do with the impulsive revelation about how she was still feeling Patton's mouth on her. Olivia pushed the thought aside. One step a time.
"I can get you an ice pack for your hand if you want me to", she announced, carefully watching the shivering form next to her for any signs of consent or dissent. When the blonde didn't react at all, Olivia remained seated on the couch. "If I were to do that, I would walk past you on my way to the kitchen but I'd keep my distance. I can see that you're scared and I don't want to contribute to that. I will not approach you without your consent and I absolutely will not touch you without it."
Even through the haze of terror, Amanda realized how warm and calm Olivia's voice was - without even the tiniest hint of annoyance or pressure. "I want you to feel safe, Amanda", the brunette added and Amanda gulped. Even though her eyes were still shut, Amanda could tell by the stillness of their shared couch cushion that Olivia had indeed not yet moved an inch. She was waiting for her to respond, the blonde realized: Olivia had asked for her permission and had neither received a yes nor a no, so she was waiting.
Amanda involuntarily stiffened and Olivia, who was watching the younger woman intently, noticed immediately. From Amanda's alert posture, she could tell that she was there. She might have once again lost herself within her – as Amanda herself had previously described it – but she was there nevertheless. Frozen with shame and fear and pain, yet feeling every second of it - and Olivia felt just as powerless.
She had briefly considered opting for a more direct approach but ultimately refrained from doing so: Even though Amanda would certainly benefit from the pain relief an ice pack was promising, it would do more damage than good emotionally if she perceived Olivia's actions as unpredictable. No answer is an answer - and in that case, no answer meant no consent. That realization alone had consolidated Olivia's decision to obtain affirmative consent before doing anything Amanda might perceive as threatening. After everything that had happened, Olivia couldn't afford to squander whatever trust Amanda had left in her.
When Olivia's mother had confronted her with the ugly circumstances of her conception, Olivia had only been a child - but even back then, she had vowed to herself that no matter what, she would do everything in her power to prove she was one of the good guys. More than a decade later, when Olivia had first started working with survivors, she had assumed the hardest part of SVU would be to hold on against all odds, so she had tried to prepare herself as thoroughly as possible. Despite the frequent compliments she had received for her never-ending compassion and her talent to quickly and intuitively build rapport, Olivia had always been eager to learn new techniques, new approaches, new concepts.
None of them, however, had prepared her to endure the crushing, debilitating, suffocating sensation of utter helplessness. Olivia once again became acutely aware of that when she studied the younger woman who was motionlessly pressed against the back of the couch. As it had turned out, continuously doing everything in her power was not the greatest challenge she would have to face in SVU.
The hardest lesson SVU had taught Olivia was that sometimes – despite your flaming compassion – there was nothing you could do
but wait.
A/N: I think I might have found a way to get "unstuck" (one day at a time and one chapter at a time). Thank you for your support!
