107A/N: I know it's been forever, and I sincerely apologize for the delay! I spent the past couple of weeks catching up with the very latest seasons and episodes of SVU and got caught up in the whole Amanda thing, writing oneshot after oneshot about her gambling problem and about what happened in Atlanta. But these reviews on Shattered that I have gotten within the last few days, I started feeling really guilty about leaving you guys in the dark for so long, so well... this happened. I hope you like it! Let me know if you do - or why you don't! I'm intrigued to find out how you guys feel about the big bad revelation!
Chapter 14
They spent the entire morning walking on eggshells around each other – ate breakfast in silence, then fought the usual battle of Liv carefully studying Alex's body language while Alex was trying her best to put her icy facade back up. "I'm gonna change into some day-off-clothes" Olivia eventually announced after they had put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. "I can lay some out for you if you want. Feel free to take a shower – help yourself with anything you need." Alex nodded gratefully and disappeared into the bathroom for longer than necessary while Liv changed her clothes and laid some sweats out for Alex to wear, putting them on a stool next to the bathroom door so Alex could grab them and get dressed.
When the blonde finally emerged the bathroom, she looked like a lost puppy: Her hair was still tousled and wet from the shower, and although she was a lot taller than Liv, she still looked tiny and somehow fragile in the oversized NYPD sweater she had borrowed.
„Alex? Am I okay to hug you?" Olivia's question caught her off guard, but she didn't want to deny Liv's request, sensing that the brunette needed this hug for her own sake. So she bravely nodded, trying not to stiffen when she felt Liv's arms around her. The problem wasn't that she was scared of her. Quite the contrary, actually: It was how safe she felt in her friend's embrace – because it just wasn't right. She wasn't supposed to need anyone. And she clearly wasn't supposed to fantasize about this moment never ending or how Liv could help her feel safe again. So Alex eventually stiffened – more out of guilt than out of anything else – and Liv pulled back for all the wrong reasons.
She then guided Alex towards the couch, and the blonde gulped nervously. "I can see that you're in so much pain right now it must be unbearable" Liv finally started, and Alex tensed immediately when her friend continued: "From what I can tell, you don't see any way out. And that really scares me, Alex."
"You don't even know what you're talking about!"
"Then tell me!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"I just don't want you to know, Liv. Please. I need to be able to look you in the eyes. I need to be able to tell myself that – from what you know – you're not repelled by me. And if you knew, that would change"
"If I knew what?" Olivia asked softly, and part of her expected Alex Alex to dismiss her question with yet another "I can't tell you". On the other hand, she knew that if she finally got an answer to her question, it would break her heart.
Thick silence hung in the air. She just couldn't tell her. It was too private. Too humiliating. Too sensitive a topic. Alex gulped, suppressing the urge to blurt it all out just to break the unbearable silence. But in the long run, it would do more harm than good. At least that she knew. Because if she told Olivia the truth about what had happened – about what she had done, what she'd let him do, she would lose her. And despite the fact that she had spent all her energy during the past days to keep Liv at distance, she couldn't let that happen. Eventually, she was trying to keep Liv close by pushing her away, while simultaneously acting in a way that – for now – would make it impossible for Olivia to leave her alone.
Alex cringed at the irony and its sick aftertaste, then gulped guiltily. It wasn't like she was actively leading Liv to believe she had been assaulted or anything like that. She'd never do that. Ever. But then there was this mean, little voice inside her head telling her that from the way she was acting around Liv, she was very well leading her to believe that without explicitly saying it. And that knowledge sickened her to her stomach. Because it was pathetic, and wrong, and just despicable. But what was the alternative? Telling her the truth (the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)? Certainly not!
Alex bit her lip, carefully trying to fake the confidence she didn't have when she looked Olivia in the eyes: "I know it's selfish and unfair, and I'm sorry. But I can't allow for you to look at me the way I look at myself. And you would"
"What if I didn't?" Olivia offered, and when Alex's "You would." came back with such certainty and desperation in her voice, it broke Liv's heart. "Why don't you let me decide that?" She asked softly, and Alex averted her gaze, unable to maintain eye contact any longer.
"Nothing you could ever say would make me not care about you anymore!" Olivia promised gently, and Alex snorted. "That's nonsense." She grunted out, so low Liv barely heard it.
"Huh?"
"I said that was nonsense. If I told you that I had hurt anyone, especially the way you think I was hurt by someone else, it would change everything. Don't pretend that's not true, Liv!"
Olivia frowned, hating to admit that the blonde was right. But eventually, it didn't matter, did it?
"Well, did you? Hurt anyone, I mean."
Alex pressed her lips together, hesitating for a while before she finally shook her head. "No."
"But you were hurt, weren't you?"
The blonde gulped. "Liv, please..."
Alex vigorously shook her head and Olivia sighed. "You keep pushing me away, Alex, and I don't understand why. Sometimes I feel like you trust me, and you let me in, and then you just shut me out again. Why?"
No response.
"If I'm wrong; if you do want to talk about it, but just not with me, then just tell me. I can handle that. What I cannot handle though is you trying to convince me that I don't care about you, because I do, Alex!"
"Don't say that!"
"Don't say what?"
"That you... care about me. If you knew everything, y-you w-wouldn't" Alex was choking on her tears now, and it took mere seconds until she finally started crying. Liv just sat there, shocked and overwhelmed and scared out of her mind because of all the pain her friend was in. Once again, she denied Alex's assumptions as gently but firmly as she could: On the one hand, she didn't want this to become an angry, childish battle for dominance, but on the other hand, she couldn't afford not telling Alex it wasn't true. After days and days spent around her friend, her gentle reassurances felt so natural to Liv that she wasn't even sure whether she was actually saying them out aloud or just conveying everything with her eyes and the soft touch of her hand on Alex's arm.
And then suddenly, out of the blue, Alex spoke - her voice strong and shaky at the same time, a powerful comeback and a shameful confession all at once:
"I forced myself to let a man have sex with me to prove to myself that I could be straight so my mother would love me"
tamtamtaaaam. What do you think? And - even more importantly - where should I go from here?
