119A/N: Hello hello my friends, and happy 2016! I am so glad to finally be publishing a new chaptered story. I've written a very long author's note at the end of this chapter, but I want to make one thing clear here as well, in case it wasn't from the summary. This is not a sequel to Happy Birthday and Lost and Found. I am working on one, which I mentioned in the author's note of a couple of my one-shots/extras, but that story is a ways from finished. This is not related to those stories. I've been working on this since October of 2014. An AU, even a slight one like this, is a bit of a departure for me, but I've really enjoyed writing it. I hope you'll enjoy reading it!
Unless circumstances prevent, I will update this story every Friday.
Chapter 1
"Stay." Tommy sits up as Jude does and wraps his arms around her waist, murmuring the word into the skin of her shoulder.
She half-turns around to kiss him. His fingers tangle in her hair, and she almost gives in again. After a long moment she pulls away, shaking her head. "I can't." she whispers back, leaning her forehead against his and stroking the side of his face gently with her thumb before pulling away again. "Sorry."
"Come on, Harrison." he smirks at her, and she curses her body's reaction to it. She rolls her eyes and turns away, but doesn't move to get off the bed, doesn't pull away as he presses his lips to her bare shoulder again, trailing his fingers down her arm and making her shiver. He whispers, "You know you want to."
"I can't, Quincy." Jude sighs, belying her own words by leaning back into him.
"There's no need to rush." He kisses her neck. "I told you, we have the place to ourselves. She's not back in town until tomorrow afternoon."
And there it is. The reason they shouldn't be doing this. The reason for the pit in her stomach, the guilt that eats at her even as she can't stop herself from coming back here again and again. She thinks of Jamie and tenses. "That's not why." She pulls away, standing up and retrieving her underwear from the floor, pulling it back on. "I told you before. I'm meeting Jamie for dinner in…" she glances over at his alarm clock "Shit. 15 minutes. I'm already going to be late."
"So cancel. Tell him something came up." He lays back in his bed, linking his hands behind his head, watching her with that damn smirk still on his face.
She shakes her head. "He's already pissed at me for canceling on him last week. Anyway, he made a big deal out of this date. He has reservations at some nice place downtown."
"Ah. Hence the dress." he says as she picks the dress up off the floor where she'd left it earlier.
"Hence the dress." she mutters, pulling it on and zipping it part of the way. "Here, can you zip me?" She walks back over to the bed and turns with her back to him.
"Sure thing." Tommy sits up, moving to the edge of the bed. He puts his hands on her waist and gently positions her in front of him, grabbing the zipper. Instead of pulling it up, though, he pulls it back down. He slips his hands into the dress, curling his fingers around her sides and pressing his lips to her shoulder blade.
She pulls away, swatting at his hands. "Zip it up, Tom!" He laughs and she rolls her eyes. "Jackass." she mutters, smiling in spite of herself. "You're going to make me even later." She turns her back to him again. "Zip it, please." she asks again, and he complies this time. She turns back around. "How do I look?" she asks, smoothing the dress down over her thighs.
"Stunning." He smiles at her. She smiles too, but then he adds, "and like you've just had some really great sex." She looks confused, and he chuckles, gesturing to his head. "Hair."
"Shit." she groans, turning around and looking around for her purse. "I'm going to be so late. Jamie's gonna kill me."
"So text him, tell him you're going to be late. Or, better yet, cancel. Come back to bed." He says it jokingly, but he knows he's pushing it, that he's asked her to stay too many times now, and that irritates him. It irritates him how much he wants her to stay, but more than that, how much he doesn't want her to go and meet Jamie. His own jealousy pisses him off. This isn't supposed to be about feelings. It's supposed to be about sex. But really, who is he kidding? He's full to the brim with feelings for her. He always has been.
"Drop it, Quincy. I can't cancel." She's grabbed her purse and retrieved her hairbrush, and she's fixing her hair in front of the mirror over his dresser. "He's my boyfriend, okay?"
The word makes his chest ache. "Leave him." he says quietly. He isn't smirking at her anymore, isn't joking at all, but she snorts.
"Yeah, right. Good one." She rolls her eyes. She pulls the brush through a knot in her hair and exclaims, "Ow! You really have to cool it with the hair, Tom. One of these days I'm going to forget and I'm going to go out with it like this and the paps are going to get a shot."
"I'm serious, Jude. Leave him."
"Leave her." Jude retorts, smoothing the last of her hair into place and pulling her mascara out of her purse.
"Okay."
That makes Jude turn around, eyes wide. "What?"
The response surprises him, too. He didn't intend to say it, but he finds that he means it. "You said leave her, I said okay."
"You're breaking up with Lorena?"
He shrugs. "For you? Sure. But you first."
"Jesus Christ, Quincy. You can't say shit like that. It's not funny."
"I'm not trying to be funny. I will leave her for you. If you leave him, I'm all yours."
Her eyes are still wide, and she actually looks afraid now. "Tommy, stop."
He stares at her for a long moment. His expression looks sad, but she can't quite figure out what he's thinking. Eventually he shakes his head and looks away, and when he looks back up, the smirk is back on his face. It looks a little forced, and there's tension around his eyes. "Relax. I didn't mean anything by it. You're going to be late."
She looks at him for a moment longer before frowning and turning back to the mirror to apply her mascara. "I don't know what's worse." she mutters. "If you were serious, or if that's your fucked up idea of a joke."
He winces, knowing she can't see him. "Drop it, Harrison." he tries to sound casual, but the tension comes out in his voice. He gets up and pulls on his jeans as she fixes her makeup. When she's done, she puts everything back in her bag and walks to the door, but he grabs her wrist. "Hey." he says softly.
"Tommy, I'm late." she protests.
"I know." He smiles, pulling her to him and kissing her. She relaxes almost immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck and melting into his embrace. When he pulls back he says, "I didn't want you to leave angry."
"I'm not." She looks surprised. "I just… you can't say shit like that. You know the deal. You know what this is."
"I know the deal. I made the deal. Sex. No strings." He brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I didn't mean anything by it. I know you're not going to leave him. I'm not leaving her either. This is just…" He trails off and shakes his head slightly.
"It's not 'just' anything, is it?" she says quietly, looking sadly at him. "No strings? We're… I'm cheating on my boyfriend. On the guy who's been my best friend since I was four. It's all strings. Where does it end?"
"Jude…"
"I don't think I can keep doing this." His hand is still resting on her cheek, and he's looking at her with that look on his face, her look, the one she's never been able to get out of her head, not since the day at the lake when she was 15. Like it or not, he's her weakness. She sighs and leans in, touching her forehead to his. "But I don't know how to stop."
There are a million things he could say, a million different emotions running through him. Everything about this is his fault. His decisions were the ones that led them here. This was what he wanted, or at least what he tried to tell himself he wanted, but now all he can do is wish it were different. Instead of saying that, instead of further tangling the strings of this web they've woven, he kisses her forehead and says, "Go. You're late."
"Dammit." she groans, pulling away.
"Hey Harrison." He calls her name as she leaves the bedroom and starts walking down the hall. She looks back with a 'what now?' look. He smiles. "You really do look stunning."
She rolls her eyes, but grins anyway. "Thanks, Tommy."
"Sorry about the hair." he calls after her as she turns around, heading for the front door.
She laughs, but keeps walking. "No you're not."
… ... ... ... …
Jude puts her phone on the table as Tommy walks into the restaurant and sits down next to her. "My concert got a lot of hits. It's still being sent across the net."
He smiles a little. "I heard it was… worthy of you." His heart is pounding so hard he can feel the pulse in his fingertips. He's Tom Quincy. He shouldn't be this nervous. But it's Jude, and he loves her. For real, truly loves her, and he wants this so much. So he's terrified. Of what, exactly, he's not sure, but the image of her kissing Andrews under the streetlight is definitely on his mind.
"So, now that G Major's closed, what're you going to do with your life?" she asks.
"Uh… I was thinking about trying all the things I didn't get to do. Like backpacking through Asia." He pauses. "I leave for Thailand in two days." It's a bombshell, and he knows it. It's just the first he's planning to drop.
Her eyes widen a little. "You're leaving." She's obviously surprised, but he can't really tell much beyond that. He can't tell if she's upset about it. She looks away. "You deserve a fresh start."
He reaches into his jacket to pull out the tickets as she takes a sip of her water. This is it. He's going to do it. He's going to tell her he loves her. She's said it before, she told him in the church, but he's never said the words out loud. "We both do." he says. She nods, and he's about to say 'I want you to come with me' when her phone chimes on the table. She looks down at it, and his heart plummets when she smiles as she reads the message. Because he's pretty sure he knows who the text is from.
She switches the phone off and puts it in her pocket, apologizing quickly, crushing him in two words. "Sorry. Jamie."
"You and Andrews?" he asks, trying to sound casual.
"Uh…" She hesitates, uncomfortable. She doesn't know how to answer, because she hasn't chosen yet. She's still too terrified to pick, because she really does care for them both. But if Tommy is leaving, then maybe he's made the choice for her. She feels sick. "Maybe? We haven't… I mean, nothing's official…" she shrugs awkwardly.
The line he means to say is on the tip of his tongue, echoing inside his head. I want all of you with me forever. But wait. Wait. If she's with Andrews, if she's chosen him and he's better for her, then… "Fresh start, right?" he says, clearing his throat when it feels like it's closing up. He's not her fresh start. He's not what she needs. She deserves better than him.
She raises her eyebrows. "Are you really comparing that to leaving the country?"
He smiles a little. "I guess not." She looks away, taking another drink of her water, and he doesn't notice her hands shaking. "I just want you to be happy." He slips the tickets back into his jacket and pulls out the other envelope, reaching it out to her. "And, uh, now you can be. As the sole owner of your own music catalog."
"What?" Jude looks shocked, pulling the envelope out of his hands and opening it. "You got this from Darius?" She looks back up at him, her eyes wide. "What did you have to do?"
He shrugs. "It's not important. I…" Again, the words he wants to say are right there on the tip of his tongue. I would do anything for you. Because I love you. Instead he says "It's your music. You deserve it, girl." He smiles at her, though his heart is shattering.
"Tommy, thank you." she throws her arms around his neck, and he returns the hug, resting his cheek against the top of her head, trying to memorize this sensation before he lets her go for good. She pulls back after a long moment and looks back down at the papers in her hands, saying "I can't believe you did this."
He smiles, forcing nonchalance. "Anything for you, Harrison." He takes the words he deeply means, the words he wanted to say, and he warps them so they come off casually.
"Thailand?" she asks, quietly. "For real? You're really leaving?"
He nods. "I'll, uh, I'll send you a postcard." He cringes internally at how stupid that sounds.
"I hope it's amazing. The trip, I mean. Your fresh start." Her expression is earnest, and she says her next words pointedly. "You deserve to be happy."
Suddenly he can't do this anymore. He can't sit next to her and pretend like he's okay when he's losing her. He feels himself about to lose his composure, so he says, "I just wanted to let you know, and to give you that." he gestures to the contract. "I've got a lot to do before I leave, so I should go."
"I'm really going to miss you, Tommy." she says it softly, and he's not imagining the tears in her eyes.
He grabs her hand, squeezing it gently, and stands up. "I'll miss you too." he bends down slightly, pulling her hand to his lips and kissing her fingers. "Good luck to you and Jamie." He doesn't know how he finds the strength to do it, but he smiles as he says it, intentionally using Jamie's first name to let her know he doesn't begrudge her the choice. He drops her hand and turns, walking out.
A/N: This story, perhaps obviously, began with the thought "what if Jude chose Jamie?" Personally, I don't think there's any way that would have happened. The reason Jude is hesitant in the last episode of season 3—the reason there's a question of Jamie vs. Tommy at all—is pretty obvious: Tommy fucked up epically in season 3 when he didn't tell Jude about Hunter up front. Being with Tommy was always a risk for Jude, and Jamie is much safer. But, in the end, the fact that Tommy admitted his feelings for Jude, the fact that he said the words "I love you" and the words "I'm done running" was enough for Jude to believe they could be together, that he's changed. She loves him enough (more than she loves Jamie, sorry to say) that she would always have chosen Tommy with the way things went down. Because of that, I didn't want to write a story where the entire 3rd season canon was the same, and Jude just chose Jamie in the end because she thought it was the right choice. Maybe it's my status as a hopeless Jommy shipper clouding my judgement, but that just seemed too implausible.
So I tried to think of an alternative, and this is what I came up with. I don't actually think that in canon Tommy's conviction was so fragile that a text message could have broken it. He was pretty ready to fight for Jude by the end of season 3. After the Hunter ordeal, and after the Portia/Angie revelation, I really think he was serious when he said "I'm done running." Obviously if she had said to him that she chose Jamie, he'd have backed off, but if there was still any chance she'd choose him, I believe he'd have taken it. In the end, though, I still needed her to choose Jamie, and I decided that this was plausible.
I'm really interested to know what you all think, so please do review or message me and share your thoughts! Overanalyzing Instant Star is one of my favorite things (clearly), and I greatly appreciate when people share that passion :P My love for this ever-dwindling fandom is eternal.
