12"Why are you so concerned with what anyone else thinks?"
"I'm not gay."
"And what does that mean?"
"That's an amazingly stupid question."
"Is it?"
"Yes. It is. But since you seem bent on hearing me explain it, fine. It means I am heterosexual."
"I see."
"I know that tone. You see what?"
"I see what you're saying, obviously. You prefer women."
"It's more than a preference. It's a biological imperative. I've never been attracted to men."
"Present perfect."
"What?"
"You used the present perfect tense to describe a condition from the past that has carried through to the present moment. The simple present tense of your usual denial is more persuasive."
"I'm not gay."
"Exactly. Framing your statement in present perfect leaves open the possibility of a different condition in the future."
"You're splitting hairs."
"I'm helping you refine your argument."
"It's not an argument. It's a statement of fact."
"A statement which ends with an unspoken, but nonetheless audible 'but'."
"It doesn't seem to matter what tense I use. People are apparently determined to believe that I'm shagging you."
"We're shagging each other."
"What?"
"I am simply clarifying. People seem determined to believe that we are shagging each other. It's not a solitary activity. To say that you are shagging me implies no participation on my part."
"You don't care what anyone thinks, but you're offended that I didn't include you?"
"If you insist on trying to persuade people, you must choose your words more carefully. And it would help if you could remove the defensive tone. Be clear and concise. Leave emotion entirely out of it."
"Okay, if you're such an expert on communication, why do you let me handle all the denials? When you sit back like that, you leave the impression that you don't agree."
"On the contrary. My silence is agreement."
"Qui tacet consentire videtur."
"'He who is silent is assumed to consent.' I'm impressed, John."
"Don't be condescending. I'm a doctor. I know Latin. And how do you know which argument your silence is supporting? You've never contradicted anyone, starting with Angelo who thought I was your bloody date. No, wait. I take that back. The first assumption your silence confirmed was Mrs. Hudson's. She didn't think we would need a second bedroom, for Christ's sake."
"And since she obviously knew me better than you did, you wondered if she might be basing her assumption on that knowledge?"
"No."
"It also explains your interest in my relationship status later on at Angelo's. You asked if I had a boyfriend."
"No, I asked if you had a girlfriend, and you said that wasn't your area. That didn't seem to leave room for much else, so I asked if you had a boyfriend. You acted like you thought I was trying to... I don't know. Ask you for a date?"
Silence.
"Sherlock. Do you think I'm gay?"
"Why would it matter what I think? Again, me or anyone else?"
"It bloody well matters to me if everyone thinks my flatmate is worried about me walking in on him in the shower and grabbing his arse!"
"And you think people believe that worries me?"
"That's not the point! Jesus. You do think I'm gay!"
"I think there's nothing that concerns me less than how you identify your sexual orientation. You're an invaluable asset, my assistant in-"
"I'm more than a sodding assistant, and I'm not gay!"
"People find it difficult to understand why anyone would voluntarily spend time with me, let alone live under the same roof. Their limited imaginations are coming up with the simplest explanation. You're sexually attracted to me. There's no point debating such a firmly held belief. In fact, the more vehement your denials, the more credence you give to it. Let it go, John."
"I'm not letting it go, and I need you to back me up."
"And what would that accomplish, other than doubling the confirmation that we're lovers? No one but Angelo has ever actually said anything that you could deny. You're uncomfortable with rumors that are being circulated by the likes of Sally Donovan and Philip Anderson. Do you truly believe you can dissuade them by telling them they're wrong? They would just do what all rumor mongers do and deny that they've said anything. You'll be seen as defending a position no one's actually accused you of holding. You can't win, John, unless you move out and stop working with me. Even then, everyone will simply assume we've stopped being romantically involved, not that we never were. Would being seen as my ex-lover be more acceptable?"
Silence.
"Let it go, John. The more you protest, the more guilty you appear."
"I'm not gay."
"So you've said."
Silence.
"So, you're saying that if I stop denying it, the rumors will die out?"
"No, I'm saying you should stop denying it because it's a complete waste of time and energy. You care too much what people think. You always have. Be confident that you know the truth. As you can imagine, I've been drawing mean-spirited comments since I was old enough to speak. My mother once told me that as long as people focus their pettiness on me, they're leaving everyone else alone. Consider it a public service to let them target you."
"Okay, so you've had more practice."
"Obviously."
"I'll try. That's all I can promise. And I'm not happy about it."
"I can tell."
Silence.
"Put down that bloody book and switch off the light."
"Stop hogging the blankets, and I'll think about it."
End
