7Another Morning After
Authors Note: Taking this series of ficlets seriously may be bad for your health. You'd be safer trusting John Green when he tells you his books won't make you cry.
The pounding on the door was a horrible way to return to consciousness, Harry decided.
He glanced around his living room, sighing at the utter chaos. The sprawled forms of his fellow Boy's Night attendees were scattered around the room in various stages of undress and consciousness, though more were being roused by the incessant pounding that had the distinct flavour of indignant BookWitch.
Whimpering, he shuffled to the door, remembering to keep his eyes shielded from the cruel morning light, this time.
Honestly, did the girl have no respect for post Boy's Night Hangovers?
"Harry!" Hermione snarled. "You did it again!"
"Did what?" He rasped, feeling a stab of vindictive pleasure when she reeled away from his morning breath.
Hermione sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Oh for goodness sake, Harry, go shower. Come back out when you're a little more human. And less pungent." It was only when she went to step into his kitchen that she saw that most of his guests were still there. Rolling her eyes, she pulled open the fridge, and removed a week's worth of Harry's groceries to create the ultimate hangover breakfast. Molly Weasley had truly taught her well.
Once everyone was showered, dressed, provided with hangover potions and sitting around the living room with an overly full plate balanced on their laps, Hermione stood and assumed her patented you're-behaving-like-a-recalcitrant-child-and-I'm-going-to-lecture-you-into-submission pose.
"Harry, how could you do this again? You promised!"
Harry pouted. "I promised no such thing. But I also have no memory of what I apparently did this time, so until presented with proof, I refuse to be lectured for it."
Scowling Hermione brandished a cable and plugged it into the TV, connecting the other end to her laptop.
"How's this for proof?" She snapped, pulling up the first YouTube video.
Harry, once again wearing a penguin suit and monster feet slippers, was facing down a Grizzly Bear. Both bear and man, er, penguin, seemed to be unaware of the glass wall between them. Penguin-Harry had his fists raised in a mocking parody of fisticuffs, his form completely dwarfed by the massive animal. "Stand back, or I'll beat you with my bear hands!"
The Grizzly snarled and lunged forward slightly, only to bump his nose harshly on the glass. Growling and grumbling, he subsided, stalking away and flopping down in a nice sunny patch. Penguin-Harry smirked.
"Oh yeah, that's right. Run away and have a good grizzle!"
Harry pursed his lips, eyes averted and sipping his coffee.
Seamus cocked his head in confusion.
"Hey Harry? Where did you get the penguin suit?"
Harry frowned. "I have no idea. I don't own one."
Hermione huffed. "Damn, I was hoping for at least one straightforward answer."
Rolling his eyes, Harry took a bite of his toast. "Oh please, as if anything about this would be so black and white!"
Wincing as Hermione smacked him over the head, Harry cursed the remnants of alcohol in his system as his headache returned.
Turning back to her computer, Hermione started the next clip, the wobbly camerawork and giggles in the background indicating a less than professional source.
Penguin-Harry stood in a pond, balanced precariously on one foot. He fluffed the pink tutu circling his middle and gazed around at the flamingos around him smugly as he sipped at a ridiculous neon pink cocktail that seemed to have half a tropical garden attached to the top of it.
"I'm single, and ready to flamingle!"
He smiled flirtily at one of the closest avians.
"Did you know that I'm an expert at Horny-thology?" He sidled closer and continued in what he clearly thought was a seductive whisper. "It's the art of picking up long legged birds…"
Harry stared at the screen in horror as his mates fell about themselves laughing. Draco actually fell off Charlie's lap since the redhead was too busy stifling his hysterics in a cushion to remember to hang onto the blond.
Lowering his face to his hands, he swore he wouldn't touch another drop of booze for the rest of his… week.
"Hermione," he groaned, "how did you even find these videos if they only happened last night?"
Hermione arched an eyebrow, the condescension radiating off her in an almost visible haze.
"It's called magic, Harry."
"Yes, but-"
"Harry," she interrupted sharply. "There are two more clips to get through, so shut up."
Harry sank back into his seat with a pout, arms crossed sulkily. He ignored the giggles from the other avidly watching men as they tried to get themselves back under control. Bastards, the lot of them.
Penguin-Harry lounged at the base of a mountain, watching a line of intrepid adventurers and their long suffering guides getting closer.
"Hello!" The leader called out to Harry. "Who are you then?"
Harry looked up sadly. "It's not the Who that's the problem, it's the What."
The man's mouth twitched, eyeing the clearly inebriated Penguin-Man.
"Alright then, What are you?"
"Bored," Harry responded. "I'm positively drowning in ennui!"
Laughing, the man clapped Penguin-Harry on the shoulder.
"Come with us then, lad! We're going to climb Mt Aconcagua!"
Penguin-Harry's face lit up with excitement.
"An adventure? Alpaca my bags!"
Fumbling about his person in the search for his mobile phone, he threw one arm around the Alpaca next to him.
"Llama just take a selfie!"
He squawked when the animal spat and tried to take a bite out of his arse, hightailing it away from the laughing mountaineers with a shrill scream.
Harry glared defiantly at the ceiling, ignoring the groans and ribbing about his lame sense of humour. Ron was the loudest, at least until Hermione threw a pillow at him for saying that even the frizzy haired girl could tell a better joke.
"Alright, alright, let's see the last one then." Harry grumbled.
Hermione huffed and started the clip.
Penguin-Harry was curled up in a Mountain Lion Den, playing with the cubs. Oddly enough, the mother didn't seem to mind. Curling around the human interloper, she proceeded to nuzzle and lick him, grooming him like one of her cubs.
Penguin-Harry giggled and squirmed as her rough tongue rasped over his face and neck.
"Stop!" Penguin-Harry pleaded through his laughter. "I'll puma pants!"
Harry frowned heavily and tilted his head in thought.
"How-"
"Harry, you really need to stop doing things like this! It's dangerous, and I'm worried you'll get hurt!" Hermione turned her teary eyes on him, making him squirm.
"I appreciate that, Hermione, but how did-"
"We really should figure out where the penguin suit is coming from," Dean jumped up, glancing around at the other people in the room.
Nodding and murmuring agreement, everyone jumped up, some departing with Ron to go obtain 'supplies', while the other went to set up a room for the impending 'experiment'.
Harry looked around, lost. "Hermione?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"How did someone get video of this stuff to post online anyway?"
"Magic, Harry. It's magic."
Patting him on the shoulder, she went to go yell at the other boys, convinced that whatever they were doing, they were doing it wrong.
