10A/N: Season 4, second to last episode ("Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment"), after Megan holds Jude hostage. There's that kiss in the rehearsal space, and the assumption is that it's obvious that because they've kissed they're back together. That's not how life works, though, so I knew there had to be a something else, some conversation that happened there. As usual, it wouldn't get out of my head until I wrote it down.
Fair warning: this is no smut fic, but it's M for a reason. It's what I believe you'd call "light R"
Tommy probably could have just texted Jude to let her know what Darius had said, that her album remix had been okayed, but he decided to go over and let her know in person. It was getting late, but Jude was a night owl anyway, and he wanted to see her face when he told her.
Christ, you've got it bad, he thought to himself for about the thousandth time today. He'd gone to a G Major spa day, for God's sake. Participated in that thoroughly humiliating laughing exercise, role played as Karma, watched Kwest and Sadie air their relationship's dirty laundry… all because Jude had asked him to. The more time he spent with Jude these days, the more hopeless it became trying to deny that he was still in love with her, would probably always be in love with her. But he'd seriously messed up in New Brunswick, had let his past get in the way of them again, so now he'd have to be content to be her friend, to ignore the feelings that came gushing up every time they were together. But he could do that. If there was anything Tommy was good at, it was repressing his feelings.
As he turned the corner onto Jude's street, he saw the crowd around the house and his heart jumped into his throat. There were reporters and random onlookers, but there were also police cars, some with their red and blue lights still flashing, and there was yellow police tape around the yard. Tommy parked as close as he could, then pulled out his cell phone to call Jude. The call went straight to voicemail, and he felt another jolt of fear. He got out of the car and walked up to the house, pushing past people to walk up to the yellow tape. He could tell from this distance that the scene seemed to be dying down, the crowd dissipating, but that didn't give him any comfort. When he couldn't see Sadie or Jude, he ducked under the police tape and started walking quickly toward the house. A police officer was at his side before he made it all the way across the lawn, putting a hand on his arm and saying, "Sir you can't be here, please go back behind the line."
Tommy pulled his arm away. "No, sorry, you don't understand, I'm a friend, okay? I'm just here to–"
The officer cut him off. "I'm sorry sir, but you really can't be here."
"You're not understanding me." Tommy tried to stay calm. "I'm not some fan, okay? I'm a friend of the family, I–"
"That may be true, but even so. I need you to go back behind the tape, please."
"For fuck's sake!" he cried. "I am Tom Quincy! Jude is– Jude and I…" He sighed, exasperated. "Please, I need to see that she is okay. Can you just– please, you need to let me past!" He knew he must look crazy, could feel his eyes getting wide and panicked and knew he needed to calm down, but if there were police in front of her house then something terrible had to have happened, and what if Jude was hurt? The memory of Hunter with his knife pressed to Jude's throat came to his mind and then the image wouldn't leave.
Thankfully Sadie had seen him from the window, and she called his name from the porch before he did something really stupid like trying to fight his way past a cop. She waved him forward in the midst of the camera flashes that were starting up again as people recognized him.
"Sadie, what the hell is going on? Where is Jude?" he asked her as another officer ushered them both into the house. "Is Jude okay? Are you okay?"
"Jude's not here," Sadie said. She looked exhausted, and her eyes were red like she'd been crying. She saw his panicked look and quickly added, "She's fine, Tom. She's okay."
Relief flooded him and he sighed heavily. "Oh. Okay. Good. That's good. What the hell happened?"
Sadie sighed, pulling her sweater tighter around herself. "How much do you know?"
"I don't know anything. I came to talk to Jude about her album remix, I drove up and there were police cars. I don't know what's going on, I thought–"
"Okay, okay." Sadie cut him off, putting up a hand. "Do you know Megan?"
Tommy frowned. "What? Megan who?"
"She's a fan, Jude kind of befriended her a while ago… She's the one who owns that little music shop on Queen where Jude hid from the paparazzi that time."
"Oh." He nodded. "Yeah, sure. Short, kind of goth or whatever, yeah. I think I met her a couple of times. But I thought Jude said something about dropping her, said she was craz–" His eyes widened as he realized. "Oh my God, she did something?"
Sadie nodded, putting a hand up to her forehead and sighing again. "Yeah."
"She hurt Jude?" he asked, horrified.
"No." Sadie shook her head. "Jude's okay."
Sadie looked like she was about to start crying, and Tommy reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. "Whoa, hey, are you okay? Did she do something to you?"
She shook her head. "No, no, nothing. I'm fine. Jamie stopped her before she could do anything to me."
"Jamie stopped her?" Tommy frowned again. "I don't get it, did she break in or something?"
"Not exactly. I don't think she had to. She knew where we kept the spare key." Sadie's voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "It was while we were at the spa retreat. Jude was in the garage, working on the bike I think, and Megan… I don't know. I guess she had chloroform or something. She came up behind Jude, surprised her, knocked her out…"
"Jesus," Tommy breathed. "Why?"
Sadie's voice was a whisper. "She chained her up in the basement and forced her to write a song. Threatened her with a nail gun."
"Oh my God." His stomach turned. "But you said she's okay?"
Sadie nodded, and wiped away the tears that had escaped from her eyes. "She somehow got a message to Jamie. He figured out that she was in trouble and called the police. He and Spied and Zeppelin came in here. They stopped Megan before she could to anything to me." She shook her head, looking horrified. "I was asleep on the couch. I came home, I called Jude's name… I just assumed she was out. I had no idea."
She let out a little sob, and Tommy reached out to put his hands on her upper arms. "Hey, hey, it's not your fault."
Sadie nodded. "I know. It's just a lot."
"Yeah." He pulled her into a quick hug. When he pulled back, he asked, "Where is she? You said she wasn't here."
Sadie took a deep breath to stop her crying, wiping her tears. "When the paramedics had finished checking her out and the police had taken her statement, she wanted to get out of here. I don't blame her. I told her I'd stay and sort everything out with the police. She went to the rehearsal space."
"By herself?" Tommy frowned.
"No. I called D and he called Lou. He's with her."
"Big Lou the bodyguard?"
She nodded. "He's probably going to stick around for a few days."
"Good. That's good." He stood there awkwardly for a moment, fidgeting with the rings on his left hand. "Do you, uh, do you need anything, or…"
Sadie smiled a little and shook her head. "Go."
.
When Tommy got to Jude's rehearsal space, Big Lou was standing in front of the doors. He was holding a tabloid, and Tommy's stomach turned again as he saw the headline "CHAINED ROCKER." When Lou looked up at him, Tommy gestured to the paper. "Already in the tabloids?" he asked, and Lou nodded, handing him the paper. Tommy skimmed the front page and sighed. "How is she?" he asked, looking back up at Lou.
"She's okay, I think," Lou said. "She's strong."
"Yeah," Tommy agreed. It came out a little choked, so he cleared his throat. "Sadie said you let her know I was coming? Did Jude say it was okay?" Lou just nodded and opened the door. Jude was singing when they walked in, a song Tommy didn't recognize, but she stopped as she saw them. Something inside of his chest squeezed at the sight of her, a mixture of relief and sympathy and the love he'd spent years trying to keep from identifying.
"Hey," Jude said. "How was the spa? Did you talk to Darius?"
She straightened up as she put aside her guitar. He could see her try to put on a brave face, try to smile and pretend everything was okay, and he felt like his heart would break open. "Uh… Darius will take your money." He took a few steps towards her as Big Lou left. "He'll let us remix the album."
"That's great. Thanks." She smiled a little, though it dropped quickly as she sighed, looking down at her hands in her lap.
"You know, he doesn't think anybody'll be interested, but, uh…" he pulled the tabloid out from under his arm and turned it towards her.
She looked up and took the paper from his hands, giving a wry half-smile. "But thanks to one crazy fan, I'm on the cover of every paper from coast to coast." She looked up at him briefly and he saw a flash of pain in those big eyes before she looked down and away again.
He knelt in front of her, putting his hands on her knees. She met his eyes as he put a hand on the side of her face. She looked sad, scared and lost, and he forgot himself for a moment, didn't think about how he wasn't her boyfriend anymore and this wasn't his place. All he wanted was to kiss her, to do whatever he could do to take that pain in her eyes away, and to reassure himself that she was there, that she was okay. He pulled her face gently towards his, pressing their foreheads together. She didn't resist, but she didn't reciprocate either as he threaded his fingers through her hair, grabbing onto it and angling their faces so their mouths were millimeters apart.
Just before their lips met, though, he stopped himself. He may have still been in love with her, and she may have loved him once too, but they were over, and he had to accept that. So he forced himself to pull back, putting a hand on her jaw and pushing her gently away. He stayed there for another long moment, summoning his willpower before sighing and putting his hands on her knees, pushing himself away from her. But as he did so, she reached out and put her hands on his face, pulling him back to her and kissing him. A flame ignited in his chest as their lips touched and he leaned into the kiss, pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms around her.
She pressed herself against him, but there was more than a tinge of desperation in her kiss. When, after a minute, he moved his lips from hers to kiss her neck, she let out a gasping sob. He pulled back, surprised. She shook her head and tried to kiss him again, but another sob forced its way from her throat and then she couldn't seem to stop, letting out big wrenching sobs that shook her whole body. Tommy's first instinct was to pull away, that he was the reason for the crying, but she held on to him, giving a panicked, "No, no!"
"Okay, Jude, okay. I'm right here," he reassured her, moving so his back was up against the stairs and then pulling her into his lap. "You're safe, Jude," he whispered, stroking her hair. "It's over, you're safe."
"I thought…" she sobbed. "I thought she was going to…"
"Shh, I know." He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "It's okay, it's over. I've got you." She clung to him and he held her tightly and rubbed her back as she gasped and cried.
Eventually, after his leg fell asleep and the front of his shirt was soaked through with her tears, her crying quieted, then stopped, her breathing normalizing. She pulled back, moving out of his lap and looking up at him. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I don't know what that was."
"Don't be." He shook his head, reaching out and wiping the last of her tears from her cheeks. "It just kind of hit you?"
She nodded. "Sorry."
"It's fine," he insisted. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." She nodded again and pulled away, standing up and dusting herself off. He stood up too, not knowing quite what he should do now, but Jude stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, which he returned. She buried her face in his neck and said "Thank you."
"Of course." Tommy closed his eyes and pressed his face into her hair, letting himself enjoy the feeling of holding her, the familiar smell of her shampoo. He whispered, "When I saw the police cars in front of your house I thought…" he trailed off with a sigh.
Jude pulled back enough to look at him, putting a hand on the side of his face. "I'm okay," she reassured him. "I am."
He nodded and leaned in to lean his forehead against hers. "I know. You're so strong, Jude." He intended to pull away after a moment, but before he could, Jude tilted her face up and pressed her lips to his. Maybe he should have pulled away, but everything about the day had totally decimated his defenses, and he had no more walls left when it came to her. So he returned the kiss, his hand on her lower back pressing her close. When they broke apart for breath, he searched her red eyes for the pain that had been there earlier, the desperation that had preceded her earlier panic attack. All he saw in her tear-stained face was desire, so he let himself give in again, kissing her deeply, and complying readily when she pushed him to the bed, climbing on top of him and straddling his lap. It felt almost surreal as she pulled her shirt over her head. In the months since they'd last been together, he'd dreamed of this a thousand times, but now he found that the memories hadn't really done her justice. He'd forgotten how it really felt, her skin beneath his lips, running his fingers along her spine. She let out a soft moan that turned his insides molten. But when her fingers went to his belt buckle, he stopped her again, breathlessly saying, "Wait, wait, Jude, hold on."
She pulled back, a tad incredulously. "Tom, I'm okay, I promise."
"No, I know." He nodded. "I know you are."
She shifted her weight, leaning into him and saying, "I want this," close to his ear.
He groaned softly. "I know. Me too." He pulled back again. "But I didn't… I didn't expect…" He found himself stammering, unable to put words together. "I… didn't plan on this." She gave him a look that said "So?" and he laughed. "I'm saying I don't have a condom."
"Oh." She looked a little surprised, but she pulled back too, running a hand through her hair. "Right, uh… okay… well I'm still on the pill, and there… there hasn't been anyone else." She looked down, starting to pull away further. "But I know you've–"
"No," he interrupted, putting a hand under her chin and tilting her face back up towards his. "No, I haven't. There hasn't been anyone else for me either."
Her eyes widened. "Wait, seriously?"
"Seriously," he confirmed, then laughed at her expression. "Jesus, Jude, you don't have to look so shocked."
"No, I just…" She tilted her head, putting a hand on the side of his face. "Really? No one else?"
He shook his head. "Not for a very long time."
Jude paused for another moment, opening her mouth to say something, and he thought she was going to ask him why, that he was going to have to try to shrug it off like it was no big deal. Or else that he was going to have to tell her that he didn't want anyone else, hadn't wanted anyone other than her in what felt like forever, that she was it for him. But then she didn't ask, just kissed him, curling her fingers through the hair at the back of his head. Tommy wrapped his arms around her and flipped her over onto the bed. She let out a surprised laugh and he smiled at the sound, leaning down to kiss her shoulder, then her jaw. Close to her ear he whispered, "It's all you, girl." She looked at him, confused, but he didn't give her time to question it, trailing kisses down her body until he reached the waistband of her jeans.
Everything separating them—all the months apart, all the things they'd said and meant and didn't mean, all the pain they'd caused each other—fell away. His body still remembered hers. He didn't let himself rush, wanting to savor her, make this last. Her hands made his hair wild as he covered her skin with kisses, re-exploring every inch of the body he'd once known better than his own. When he couldn't take it anymore, he came back up to kiss her swollen lips, just barely stopping himself from breathing "I love you." When he was finally inside her again, he felt whole for the first time in a long time. His name on her lips felt like a benediction.
When he rolled off of her and onto his back, she curled into his side and peppered his chest with soft kisses before laying her head down on his shoulder, her body half on top of his. He traced little circles on her back and leaned his forehead against the top of her head. She let out a sigh of contentment, murmuring, "I really missed this."
"Me too," he replied softly, kissing her hair. They lay there for a long time, too still, ignoring the elephant in the room. Eventually he said, "Jude," softly and she looked up at him. He struggled to put what he was trying to say into words. "You know… This doesn't… This doesn't have to mean anything." It was ridiculous, really, to even claim that. There was nothing casual about the way he'd just made love to her. He was all feelings, his love for her so strong he felt like his heart would burst from it. But it wasn't fair of him to assume she still felt the same, not after what he'd done in New Brunswick, and not after what Jude had just been through with Megan.
Jude raised her eyebrows, looking a little hurt, pushing herself up into a sitting position, the sheet wrapped around her chest. "Wait, sorry, what?"
He sat up too, and tried to clarify. "I mean, of course it means something. I'm not saying we pretend it didn't happen." Her eyebrows shot higher at that, and he sighed. "I just… Okay. You went through something really rough today, and if you… I don't know. If you needed someone, needed… comfort, or… I'm happy to be that, Jude. I care about you, and I'm here for you, whatever you need from me. I can be whatever you need me to be. But I know we're not together anymore, and I don't expect that, so all I'm saying is there's no obligation or expectations or–"
"I'm in love with you," Jude blurted out, cutting him off. Tommy froze, scared to believe he'd heard her right. She flushed. "And I'm not saying this because of what happened today with Megan. I never stopped, Tommy. I tried to get over you, I tried for weeks, but every time we're together I just… it all comes rushing back up and I… I still love you. That's what this was for me. Because I love you." She bit her lip, tense, prepared for rejection.
Her words sent a jolt through him, followed by a rush of relief so strong it made him dizzy. He let out the breath he'd been holding, air rushing out of his lungs in a whoosh. "Oh thank god," he breathed.
"What?" Jude laughed, surprised.
He reached out and placed a hand on the side of her cheek. "I love you too. I am in love with you."
"Seriously?"
"Yes." He laughed. "Seriously." He leaned in and kissed her, and she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck. After a moment she broke away and hit him on the shoulder. "Hey!" he laughed in surprise. "Ow!"
"'This doesn't have to mean anything'?!" she quoted incredulously.
"Hey! I didn't know!" he protested. "Today you got…"
"Held hostage?" she finished.
"Well, yeah. And I didn't want to… assume anything."
"So you thought we were just going to be… what? Friends with benefits? Really Tom?"
"I didn't… I just didn't want to… I don't know, take advantage. I didn't know how you felt."
"You're an idiot." Jude laughed. She leaned her forehead against his, her hand on the back of his head. "A sweet, beautiful, perfect idiot."
He laughed, pulling back far enough to look at her, raising an eyebrow "Uh… thank you? I guess?"
She smiled wide and moved her hand to stroke his cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too." To be able to finally say it again was a relief, and he smiled as he did. She kissed him, long and slow and sweet, before pushing him back down onto the bed. She curled up against him again and let out a sigh, a contended, exhausted hum. "Tired?" he asked, and she nodded, nuzzling his chest. He pulled the blanket up over them and kissed her hair, whispering, "Sleep, girl. I'll be here when you wake up."
After a long moment of lying there, she looked up at him and said, "Hey, Tommy?" in a soft, sleepy voice.
"Hmm?"
"You said… earlier you said 'I can be whatever you need me to be.'"
"Yeah," he confirmed, brushing a lock of hair out of her face.
"I just need you to love me, okay?"
Tommy smiled, touching his forehead to hers. "You say that like I could ever stop."
A/N: is this the cheesiest thing I've ever written? Maybe.
This took me months to finish, partly because I struggle with sex scenes. Let me know what you think (of the story, not the sex) (or both? Either? Any feedback is appreciated. Reviews really truly make my day.)
