24Just when you thought we couldn't take any more of your money, Barnum Books Ltd. proudly presents the following excerpt from the Nobel prize-winning novel Grey by E.L. James.
Chapter One: The Afterglow
It's not easy being a handsome billionaire.
Case in point, I'm laying in bed after having had my way with the latest conquest du jour.
Women are a sensitive lot, and they tend to be even more sensitive after they've given a man their most precious possession: their dignity. So it's important to remember that after sex you must reassure her of her value as a human being.
AND you must do it without laughing.
I'm reminded of a recent victim... er... I mean, date. When I went to her apartment to pick her up for our night of sexual decadence and debasement, I was disappointed to find out she had a cat. I'll never forget how that ugly thing hissed and screeched and howled all night long.
The cat was pretty cute, though.
Good thing my date put out. I don't want to say she was easy, but I later found out her nickname at the apartment complex she lived at was "Doorknob." Everybody got a turn.
What was I rambling on about? Oh, yeah...
After sex, a woman might feel vulnerable. She might feel confused. She might feel like she doesn't want to leave. So what you say to her during the afterglow of sex is extremely important.
I suggest any one of the following phrases:
"Well, there's the door."
"Are you still here?"
"Say, didn't you used to be Bruce Jenner?"
"You better leave before the beer wears off."
"Now that you've cleaned my pipes, how about cleaning my house?"
"You're older than I thought."
"Much older."
"Just how old are you?"
"You look just like Marilyn Monroe. I mean, how she looks now."
"I'm sure I've had sex with women uglier than you. I just can't seem to remember any."
"Want to see my rash?"
"Being with you is almost like being with a woman."
"Let's see who can get dressed and leave the fastest. You first."
"This is nice. The only thing that would make it nicer is if you were gone."
"The only thing that keeps this from being the perfect evening is that you're still on this side of the door."
"Let me show you something from what I like to call my 'Jeffrey Dahmer' collection."
"I'll never lie to you. Mainly because I never plan on seeing you again."
"I can't wait to tell all my friends about this."
"Don't worry about getting pregnant. You can always blame it on someone else."
"If you promise not to tell my friends, I promise not to tell the dog-catcher."
"I don't regret one minute of the time I spent with you. I regret every minute of the time I spent with you."
"In your case, it really is doggy-style."
"I especially enjoyed it when I closed my eyes and pretended you were somebody else."
"Don't take this personally. I didn't."
"'Why buy the cow...' Oh, now I get it!"
"Hey! Where's my watch?"
"If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend you're not here."
"AIDS schmaids."
"Would you like to see the video?"
"I used to think I'd be happier alone. Now I'm sure of it."
"It was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick... but not by much."
"Do I think you're pretty? Why can't you ask me something easier, like Algebra?"
"Of course I'm capable of saying 'I love you.' There's just nobody here I want to say it to."
"I used to think there was no such thing as bad sex. Boy, was I wrong."
"Get off the bed, Spot! Oh... it's you."
"Thanks for the sex. If you want to call it that."
"Take you home? Hey, I've already done my part."
"Of course I'll call you. In fact, you'd better leave now so you won't miss it."
"What do you think this open sore is?"
"No way! I'm sure if we had sex I'd remember it."
"I'll remember you every time I have to throw up."
"Would I have picked you if I hadn't been drinking? No."
"You can take your hat off now. What do you mean you're not wearing a hat?"
"Halloween must be your favorite holiday. Oh, no reason."
"But on the bright side, I bet you're way smarter than a dog."
"When I'm with you, I feel like how the normal girl must have felt like on The Munsters."
"It's times like these that I envy the blind."
"Medical science could really help you. Well, maybe just Dr. Kervorkian."
"You remind me of a famous movie star. Lassie."
"If I had to choose between you and a man, of course I'd choose you. Maybe."
"It's a good thing you put out, because you're not going to get a guy with your looks."
"There's only one thing that would keep me from seeing you again. Your face."
"I smell bacon."
"You can leave now."
"No, really. You can leave now."
"Don't worry, the doctor at the free clinic said I shouldn't be contagious yet."
"Of course I used a rubber. My lucky rubber!"
"Here's a drink Bill Cosby showed me how to make."
"That'll be fifty bucks."
"Laters, babe."
