9Four Seasons
A/N: Hullo! Sorry for the late update! Writer's block got me and I went on a trip with family. Anyway this is the last chapter of my short story, as it is the fourth season already. I hope it's angsty enough and that you'll like it!
DISCLAIMER: Kleia does not own Harvest Moon. Yasuhiro Wada does.
Winter
When it sufficed.
She still couldn't accept reality as it is. She was that foolish.
Every day she would think he would change his mind and come back (to her) every day she would expect a knock on the door and when she would open it she would see him again every day she would deal with the sympathetic and pitiful looks the people gave her (and to think it helped when it only made her feel much much much much much worse than before and it would consume her endlessly) every day she would wake up with reality slapping her as she sits up her bed every day the feeling of loneliness would consume her (it became her friend her companion) every day she would wonder who she was what she had become every day she would miss him. And that was the worst part of it all.
Every night she would lie still in her bed so still you'd almost think she died of overthinking. Every night she felt like she was inside a storm. Her feelings were whirling inside of her wreaking havoc destroying her breaking her. Then it'll leave. She'll feel nothing for a moment she won't think but she'll still stay up because she wasn't thinking of anything. She would never understand this part of her.
It was already winter and snowing and gloomy and at times like these she would stare into nothing thinking about wanting to sleep for thousands of years or just not exist or just not be aware of her own existence. She didn't even know who she was why she's here what her purpose was. She felt so weak tired and everything was dragging her down down down until she felt like she couldn't stand up anymore.
She wouldn't be this sad if she knew he wouldn't be permanent. If she expected the unexpected.
But she couldn't live with the thought of someone leaving, so she kept telling herself he wouldn't do it—he wouldn't leave. Because he was Cliff. And she realized that was the scariest thing of all—to think that you knew someone so well you knew that person wouldn't leave but you wouldn't know what that person was thinking about. He would be right beside you, smiling, enjoying, but maybe deep inside he was facing a storm. And it was scary. To think everything was fine when it wasn't. It's like waking up from a nightmare when you aren't even asleep.
But Goddess she missed him so much she had this indescribable urge within her whenever she missed him.
A single stab in her chest was enough for tears to flow freely down her face. She pounded her balled fists on her dining table as she clenched her teeth. Her eyes were tightly shut. "Idiot you're so stupid goddammit I hate you so much, Cliff!" she yelled to no one.
But as she told herself she hated him somehow something inside her somewhere told her otherwise. And that hurt the most.
She shook her head. She needed to go somewhere. She doesn't want to be trapped inside this cage filled with everything she didn't want to think about.
She grabbed her thick jacket and boots and scarf and headed for the door. As she opened it, she was greeted by a gust of cold air. But something else sent chills down her spine. She shook her thoughts away once again and headed for the exit of her farm. She strolled quickly along the streets of Mineral Town which she hadn't walked on for days.
It was a bad idea. Everywhere she looked all she saw was him and he was haunting her. The road the winery even the snow along the paths reminded her of him and it was driving her crazy. She shut her eyes and opened them again, seeing Rick walk in front of her with a sad smile on his face. He waved at her, she waved back. But she knew deep inside he felt deep pity. And she hated it. She didn't want to be empathized in that kind of way.
She kept her face down, her golden hair cascading down her shoulders, covering her face even more as she avoided the memories that crept up to her like shivers. She unconsciously balled her fists and tightened her jaw, telling herself to hold back as her feet made its way to the church. She knew where she was going would be the death of her. Because that place was him itself. It was his nirvana and now she was going to kill herself in it. Drown herself in her sadness and self-pity knowing that he won't be there beside her anymore. She frowned.
She knew she was acting as if he died. But she couldn't help it. She still lost him his presence everything about him. She knew there was a phone and letters could be exchanged. But what she wanted—needed—was him himself. And she was selfish for it.
She held the twin doors of the church and the strong feeling of nostalgia and loneliness hit her hard it stabbed her stomach which were swarming with dead butterflies and moths it stabbed her hand which became stiff and pricked with thorns it stabbed her heart which was wrapped with everything she could describe as painful and her eyes stung again and she hated herself for it she hated him for it for leaving her this way but she knew it was her fault too. She held it in and opened the doors, the sound slowly deafening her screeching her ears.
Spring popped up in her mind and she saw herself sitting with him on the first row laughing and enjoying and not even knowing what was about to happen in the future. Tears threatened to fall but she stopped them.
"Claire! What brings you here?" Carter, who apparently noticed her standing there aloof, called out to her from the altar. The pity and happiness that came along with his voice didn't pass unnoticed by Claire.
She didn't answer—and didn't even bother to smile—and just simply strolled towards the first pew and sat down on where she sat the day they met. She sighed deeply. "… Just thought of going out for a while… Carter…" she said in a low voice as she eyed her lap, hoping that he heard what she was saying. "Been a while, huh?" she pitied herself for how sad she sounded.
"Yes it has," he agreed, "it's also been a while since… Cliff had left."
She stayed silent, biting her lip.
"Sorry about his leave, Claire… I was shocked and sad too, honestly."
She shook her head. "Please don't apologize… it just—" a simple crack of her voice and a lump in her throat. A waterfall streamed down her cheeks and she covered her face instantly. She felt Carter sit himself down beside her. "It just makes things worse, you know? It makes me remember him even more and it makes me pity myself even more… It doesn't help at all...!" she exclaimed, her shoulders uncontrollably shaking and her voice wobbled in each syllable.
Carter rubbed small circles on her back. "Alright… do you want to talk about it then?" he asked in a voice so soft that Claire found it hard to listen to that kind of softness.
"… Talk about what?" she sniffled.
"About what's been bothering you, perhaps." He answered and she lightly flinched. He saw through her. "You're an open book, Claire. You've been so the past few days. Everyone saw through you, but I know it's merely your exterior." He said, "Probably what's inside you is ten times worse than what we see."
A pang in her chest and she nodded, hands still covering her face. "Well…" she hesitantly began, but she knew Carter was one of the most trusted people in town. So she placed it on him. She exhaled and tears came out again. "I just miss him so much everything reminds me of him every time I see my honey tree I remember him when I pass the winery I see him there and now that I'm sitting here it's like his soul is here too. I just… I'm stupid. I mean I'm crying about him… I just—I don't know… I feel stupid… I hate him…"
"Maybe it's the other way around." Carter explained, "If you hate him, then maybe you wouldn't be crying over him in the first place."
She looked at him straight in the eye. "Maybe the reason why I'm hating him is because I want to forget about him. He's gone, he's somewhere we all don't know. We don't know if he's happy, if he's meeting new people, or if he's sitting inside a pub or an inn all gloomy and unsocial like his usual self but much much worse. We don't know him anymore. The present Cliff. We only know the Cliff of Mineral Town. And he's somewhere in an invisible stretch of space and time and the only way we could reach him is through our memories of being with him. And maybe I'm telling myself that I hate him is because how could you still love someone when you know they won't be back anymore? How will you survive?"
Carter was taken aback for a moment. Claire still looked at him as if she was lost. She is lost. That was a fact.
"... So you loved him?" he asked, clearing his throat.
"I realized I still do... and I know this would sound horribly cliché but... with every 'I hate him' that I said, something somewhere inside of me is telling me otherwise. And it won't let go. It always kept holding me." She said, in a trance. She lightly sighed, realizing that she was tired. "I just still can't believe he left... and he didn't tell me in the beginning. I should've helped him, you know? Maybe it would make him stay if I helped..."
"Probably so," Carter nodded. "You're gonna lose people in your life, Claire, and you'll realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough."
She sighed a heavy one as she felt a strong pang in her chest. She held in her tears that were forming. "... Yeah. That's the part I can't bear thinking about." she admitted, hanging her head low as she gripped on the edges of her seat. "I can't lie but... I liked Cliff for still staying with me until he really left. I mean, he didn't choose to slowly drift away from me, to start avoiding me until the day he'll leave, or to do things that would hurt me so I could hate him so it'll be easier for me to be okay with his leave, you know?" said Claire, looking over to Carter.
She shook her head. "He didn't cut the ties with me immediately that it just left me hanging. I mean," she paused with a small sigh, "take a car accident for instance." She looked at Carter, who simply nodded for her to go on. "It's better to die instantly in that accident rather than dying slowly while feeling the horrid pain in every part of your body until you completely let go."
Claire exhaled and found Carter smiling at her. "Well that's just how Cliff is. He's that good a person," he said—
"That's why I kept on telling myself that it's my fault," she cut in, running a hand through her face. "Because he's the good guy, and I did nothing to help him and—"
"Stop blaming yourself, Claire...!" Carter half-shouted, grabbing Claire's shoulders and slightly shaking it. "Look, it's both of you. Both of you are wrong. And your fault is that you can't live with the thought of someone leaving. That's why you're like this. I mean look at you, Claire!" he raised his voice, gesturing to Claire as she watched him with empty eyes. She knew what she looked like. She looked like shit. "You're an empty shell—you're not the Claire we all know! You're not the farmer who still laughs even though she's down and dirty. You don't even smile anymore!" He paused with a sigh. "I'm sure Cliff won't like it if he saw you this way..." He mumbled.
But she heard him. And he was right.
She sighed. "You're right..." She glanced at Carter, who looked at her expectantly.
A heavy silence followed and stayed in between them. Claire looked forward to the altar and thought about (Cliff) nothing at all. But somewhere deep inside her was filled with noise.
"... So what now, Claire?" Carter asked in the midst of Claire's silence.
She sighed then shrugged. "I don't know... probably buy seeds from Won, buy the kitchen from the Shopping Network, take care of my animals... I don't know, I'll just live," she nonchalantly said more to herself. She peered down at her hands which were paler than ever. "Cliff left, and now he's probably living happier or sadder than before, and the only help I could do now is to move on... because life doesn't stop for anyone." She said in realization and looked at Carter, who grinned, and she felt a smile twitching on her lips.
He patted her back lightly. "That's it! Exactly!" He exclaimed with a chuckle.
And for the first time in weeks, she laughed. Although that won't mean she completely moved on, but a part of her had. And that part would suffice.
A/N: The end. I'm not really contented with how it ended, but this is all I could think of. :( I hope you guys liked it for an ending. Although I'm not sure about it, but this'll have a sequel! Yay. Well not the multi-chaptered one, but a one-shot. Haha.
Anyway thank you to the ones who reviewed (you know who you are and you rock) and supported me, lol. Really thank you so much.
See you next time!
