3Chapter Two:
Professor DeCassle
The hideout of the evil Professor Owen DeCassle was in some sort of sewer line, near the waterfront on the outskirts of London. There was a very large barrel of some sort with a regal-looking "D" logo above it, and something resembling a small cell next to the barrel.
Inside the cell, Bugs Bunnersham was working on some sort of old-fashioned robot, controlling it from a podium. The robot was still a work in progress, but it could pour tea and add sugar to it so far.
Owen DeCassle stepped out from the shadows, chuckling. "Quite an ingenious scheme, eh, Bugs?" he asked. "And aren't you proud to be a part of it?"
"This whole thing…" Bugs said, operating the robot. "It's monstrous, doc!"
"We will have our little device ready by tomorrow evening, won't we?" Owen asked. "You do know what will happen if you… fail?" He pulled out a small gold bell, giving it a light ding.
Bugs knew that bell held a threat of some sort, but instead of being afraid, he got angry. "I… I DON'T CARE!" He jerked hard on the controls, making the robot going crazy. It poured the teacup over its head, followed by the teapot, dumping the tea over itself, and then tossed the teapot at the wall and letting it shatter, just missing hitting Owen in the face. The robot flailed around a bit before finally winding down and stopping, spurting a bit of oil onto Owen's sweatshirt.
"You can do what you want with me," Bugs said. "I won't be a part of this… this EVIL any longer!"
Owen fumed a bit, but then chuckled and said, "Very well, if that is your decision." He noticed Clyde's bunny doll and wound it up as he said, "Oh by the way, I'm taking the liberty of having your son brought here."
Bugs gasped. "C-C-Clyde?!"
Owen DeCassle watched the doll dance, as he said in fake worry, "I would spend many a sleepless night if anything unfortunate were to befall her…"
"You… you wouldn't?!" Bugs asked.
Owen picked up the doll again, and squeezed it tightly until it broke. He looked at it in mock sorrow, but then lunged threateningly at Bugs. "FINISH IT, BUNNERSHAM!"
Bugs sighed, and went to do as he was told, drooping back to his robot. Owen left the cell, writing a list and humming happily. "Ooh, I love it when I'm nasty!" he said to himself. But then he suddenly yelled "WRENCHFIELD!" To which the small hunched-back Wrenchfield hobbled over with his peg leg.
"Bright and alert as always," Owen said, handing him the list. "Here's the list. You know what to do, and no mistakes!"
Wrenchfield chuckled and looked at the list. "No mistakes, master. Let's see, tools, gears, boy, uniforms…"
"NOW, Wrenchfield!" Owen yelled impatiently from the doorway to the large barrel he was entering.
"I'm going! I'm going! I'm going!" Wrenchfield said, as he took off with the list and a burlap sack, lifting open a drain grate and disappearing below it.
Inside the barrel, Owen approached and sat down in his throne, as his henchmen cheered. Some familiar faces in the group included the Shropshire Slasher (from the cartoon "Deduce You Say"), Rocky, Mugsy, Yosemite Sam, Blacque Jacque Shellacque, Bluebeard Wolf (from "Bye-Bye Bluebeard"), Ant Hill Harry/Baby Face Finster (from "Baby Buggy Bunny"), Colonel Rimfire, and Buddy.
Owen DeCassle raised his hands for his henchmen to silence, and he began his announcement. "My friends… we are about to embark on most ODIOUS, the most EVIL, the most DIABOLICAL scheme of my illustrious career. A crime to top all crimes. A crime that will live in infamy!"
The henchmen cheered again, except for Buddy, who, having obviously had too much to drink, was focused on his empty beer mug.
"Tomorrow evening," Owen explained as he held up a newspaper with a photo of the Queen (played by Granny) on it, "our beloved monarch celebrates her diamond jubilee. And, with the enthusiastic help of our good friend Mr. Bunnersham… it promises to be a night she will never forget!" He held the newspaper to a candle, where it quickly ignited. The henchmen gasped in fear at this.
"Her last night," Owen continued, "and my first as supreme ruler of all London!" As he said this, he messed up his hair, and then the crowd cheered for him. Owen then calmly smoothed his hair again, and as an evil tune began to play, he sauntered out of the throne as a spotlight shone on him, and he donned a cape, black top hat and a cane, and he began to sing…
"From the brain that brought you the Big Ben Caper,
The head that made headlines in every newspaper,
And wondrous things like the Tower Bridge Job,
The cunning display that made Londoners sob,
Now comes the real Tour de Force,
Tricky and wicked of course!"
As he sang this, he pranced on a pile of jewelry and doubloons, and then using his cane, he pulled a rope, causing wine to pour from a giant bottle into a fountain. Buddy noticed this and ran over to the fountain and started drinking from it, but then Owen kicked him in, as he continued singing…
"My earlier crimes were fine for their times,
But now that I'm at it again…
An even grimmer plot has been simmering
In my great criminal brain!"
Then Owen's henchmen joined into the song, except for the drunk Buddy…
"Even meaner? You mean it?
Worse than the widows and orphans you drowned?
You're the best of the worst around!
Oh DeCassle, oh DeCassle,
The rest fall behind!
To DeCassle, to DeCassle,
The world's greatest criminal mind!"
Now Owen DeCassle sat at a harp and began to play scales on it as blue lights came on. He said, "Thank you… thank you… but it hasn't all been champagne and caviar. I've had my share of adversity, thanks to that miserable second-rate detective, Dorlock Holmes of Beeker Street!" He gestured to a small voodoo doll vaguely resembling Dorlock, with pins stuck in it. The henchmen all booed loudly.
Owen continued in a mock-crying tone, "For years, that insufferable pipsqueak has interfered with my plans! I haven't had a moment's piece of mind."
The henchmen all said "Awwwww…" and Buddy sobbed a bit, still in the wine fountain.
Then the lighting changed to red, as Owen sneered, "But all that's in the past! This time, nothing, not even Dorlock can stand in my way!" Then he sat up as the lighting returned to normal, and had his henchmen bow at him as he said, "All will bow before me!"
The henchmen resumed singing…
"Oh DeCassle, oh DeCassle,
You're tops, and that's that!
To DeCassle, to DeCassle…"
Buddy drunkenly concluded, "To DeCassle the world's greatest rat!" and hiccupped.
Owen DeCassle spit his wine out in shock, dropping his glass and letting it shatter. The other henchmen gasped in terror at this.
"What was THAT?!" Owen asked, towering over the drunk Buddy. "What did you call me?"
"Oh, he didn't mean it, Professor," Baby Face Finster attempted to explain.
"Dah, it was just a slip of the tongue," Mugsy added.
Owen picked up Buddy and glared at him. "I am NOT A RAT!"
"Course you're not," Bluebeard said, "You're a regular guy."
"A handsome dashing fellow," Colonel Rimfire added.
"Yeah, a regular human being!" Mugsy said.
"SILENCE!" Owen yelled, and tossed Buddy out of the barrel. Then he walked over to the entrance and said, "Oh my dear Buddy… I'm afraid that you've gone and upset me." He then pulled out his little bell and threateningly said, "You know what happens when someone upsets me…"
He rang the bell, and the rest of his henchmen gasped in terror as they heard a whirling sound winding up. From an alleyway, a miniature brown tornado came whizzing out, with brown legs and arms repeatedly sticking out, and then stopped spinning to reveal the Tasmanian Devil, whom babbled a bit, saw Buddy sitting there intoxicated, and began approaching him.
All the while, Buddy sang drunkenly, oblivious to what was going on, "Oh DeCassle, oh DeCassle… You're the tops, and, that is that!" He hiccupped. "Oh dear. To DeCassle, to DeCassle, to DeCassle…"
As the henchmen cowered and Owen watched with a pleased smile, Taz picked up Buddy and opened his jaws wide, as Buddy continued, "The world's greateeeeeh-ehhh ahhhhhh…" Before he could finish, Taz swallowed Buddy in one gulp, and chuckled dementedly. Some of the thugs, like Colonel Rimfire, Rocky, Mugsy and Bluebeard removed their hats glumly, and Blacque wiped away a tear.
Owen walked over to the Tasmanian Devil, hugging him. "Oh Taz, my precious, my baby! Did daddy's little devil enjoy his tasty treat?"
Taz burped in Owen's face. Owen appeared a little dismayed, but then snapped out of it and strutted back toward his terrified henchmen.
"I trust there will be no further interruptions," Owen said, clearing his throat and wrapping his arms around Rocky and Mugsy. "And now… as you were singing?" he asked.
Singing was the last thing the henchmen had on their minds at this point, but Owen pulled out his bell again, and that motivated the henchmen to continue…
"Even louder? We'll shout it!
No one can doubt what we know you can do.
You're more evil than even you!"
Three of the henchmen tossed a purple king's robe to Owen, and a few more handed him a diamond-tipped cane and a king's crown. Owen put them all on as he relaxed in his throne. Some of the thugs were dangling from the giant wine bottle, and a few more were swinging on the chandeliers.
"Oh DeCassle, oh DeCassle,
You're one of a kind!
To DeCassle, to DeCassle,
The World's Greatest
Criminal
MIIIIIIIIIND!"
As they sang that last line, Owen pulled the rope again, letting some of the henchmen on the bottle fall into the fountain, and then the two chandeliers crashed into each other sending a few more men flying. Then they all shared one last toast, breaking their wine glasses while doing so, as Owen finished his drink and gave a smug smile.
