7"Where the hell have you been?"
"Coffee." I raised the offending item and gave the short and furious blonde a quick smirk before taking my seat in front of the computer.
"Coffee?" she repeated, her eyes narrowing as she glared at the cup. "You're half an hour late because of coffee?"
I shrugged, my slender fingers flying across the keyboard as I logged in. "There was a queue."
She sighed, pinching the bridge of the nose. "And what about me?"
"Huh?" I dragged my eyes away from the loading screen to lift a questioning eyebrow. As I was sat down on an office chair that had been lowered right down to the bottom I actually looked up at her for once and I could tell she'd noticed because she was blatantly leaning over me so to make herself appear more imposing.
"Where's coffee for your long-suffering boss?"
"Ah." I smiled apologetically and hoped it looked like I actually gave a damn about her morning caffeine. "I only had enough change for one."
My 'long-suffering boss' didn't believe me for a second. Before I even knew what had happened, the short blonde wrapped up in a £1000 suit had reached across me, the desk and my keyboard to seize the cup positioned behind it. I watched blankly as she took a long gulp, wiped her mouth and smiled.
A flash of irritation sent a jolt through me and I stood upright, towering over the way-too-satisfied-for-her-own-good blonde. "That was my coffee," I spat.
"Yeah, and this is my office," she replied easily. "Get to work or you'll be walking out of here with your P45."
"Damn you, Krista."
"That's Mrs Braun to you," she called back over her shoulder as she disappeared into the adjoining officer, pointing at the golden nameplate on door as she did.
'Krista Braun' it stated, embellished in glittering real gold and probably chiselled with unicorn bone on the peak of Mount Everest before being nailed down with diamonds on that polished door that weighed a damned tonne.
"You shouldn't test her," a voice warned. I looked up over the top of my computer screen to see Sasha typing away at blinding speeds at the computer opposite me, her focus never leaving her own screen.
"She's a-" I started, a line of beautifully vulgar words on the tip of my tongue, but Sasha frowned and interrupted.
"She's our boss," she said. "Plus, don't forget she's married to the CEO. If you mess around she's going to chuck you out on your ear and he'll kick it for good measure."
"Fuck the CEO."
"Ymir." Sasha's eyes snapped up from her screen, her fingers actually freezing over the keys. "Seriously, Ymir. If you lose your job…"
I sighed. She was right. Damn it, she was always right. I waved a dismissive hand at her, turning my attention back to my computer and opening up all the documents I needed to drown in for the next four hours until lunch.
Lunch seemed to have jumped off the end of the earth because every time I glanced up at the golden-plated, two-foot clock up on the wall only half a minute had passed. After I nearly punched my computer into next week for the eighth time and it still was only eleven, I decided I really needed that coffee that dimwit bitch of a bossy blonde had stolen.
I glanced over at her office. The walls were made out of glass and all the blinds were open so I could clearly see Krista reading through a large portfolio at her desk. She had her phone pressed to her ear and she didn't look happy. Beside the mountain of paper stood my glorious coffee cup, pushed so far out of reach that the boss's short arms would never have been able to get to it unless she got out of her chair. No way was that going to happen.
She stole my coffee and let it go cold. Fuck you.
With a loud rattle of rotating chair legs, I stood. I stared at my computer for a moment, wondering if I should log off before I escaped the office but I'd only be a few minutes at most and so decided to leave it.
"Ymir…?"
It was Sasha, her focus on her screen again. She wasn't the only one who had noticed me making my move as everyone else in the office had their eyes trained on me with varying amounts of dread, distaste and boredom.
"Bathroom," I told them all.
A guy in the far corner snorted.
The nearest coffee shop was a scrappy, family-run dive of muck and grease that served the best bacon sandwiches known to man but the worst coffee. However it was my only hope of grabbing one and still getting back to the office without the Blonde Bitch noticing that I was even gone. My preferred coffee stop was a ten minute walk away and would definitely be heaving at this time.
"Hey, babe."
I didn't bother to acknowledge the hungry gaze scanning the full length of my body and instead pointed at one of the white plastic cups on the counter. "That size, Americano," I ordered.
"Sure, babe."
I think I'm gonna throw up.
After taking the coffee and literally throwing the necessary change at him, I spun on my heel and rushed back into the office block, my long legs thankfully getting me into the lift before the doors slid shut.
"Floor?" a man asked me, smiling pleasantly. His finger was hovering over the floor numbers, '19' already lit up.
"24, thanks."
He blinked in surprise. Of course he would. Everyone who had worked for five minutes in this godforsaken hellhole knew who ran the office on 24. Krista Braun, little self-righteous midget who had hit big and got to the top of the food-chain even though she was a few years younger than me and most of the other people on our floor. Then, just to put the icing on the cake, she'd shacked up with the big asshole who ran the whole place and they'd got married last spring. He had given her a healthy part of the business and she ran it as smooth as water off a duck's back and everyone who worked under her knew their shit. The man had jabbed the number '24' so it tauntingly watched me like a bright yellow eye, reminding me of that damned blonde who would totally slaughter me if I was caught sneaking out for coffee. He was watching me just as closely, studying me as if I were an interesting piece at the museum.
"See something you like?"
He recoiled away from me so hard and fast that his shoulder bashed into the lift wall. He looked absolutely horrified and I actually felt bad. I had been joking; the man was completely different to the idiot back at the coffee shop. He'd only been looking at me because I was far away as you can get for someone who 'knows their shit and works on 24'.
"I apologize," he said, and his cheeks were going fucking red. Oh, wow. Now I had made him self-conscious and he began to struggle with his trouser pocket, probably trying to pull out his phone for a distraction but doing a terrible job of it.
To save us both from ourselves, the lift doors opened and he leapt out and scurried down the corridor and out of sight. We weren't even on floor 19. The lift had stopped on a lower floor to let in three more people, all wearing immaculately ironed suits of the same shade of blue so dark it seemed black.
"Good morning," the blonde man who looked a decade too young to be working here said.
"Mornin'," I replied, not agreeing with the 'good' part at all. I glanced at the lift's console where a small digital clock told me that I'd been gone more than ten minutes and shit, hurry up.
I started tapping my foot and as we scaled upwards only to stop on the nineteenth floor for no goddamn reason because the fool had run away I couldn't hold back the snarled groan that rippled out of my throat.
"Woah, you alright there?"
It was the other guy in the trio, a dark-haired man with striking green-grey eyes. He had an obviously flat stomach and wide shoulders but his shirt fit him comfortably, suggesting that he worked out but didn't go over the top like some people who I could mention.
"Just in a rush," I said, forcing a strained smile.
He glanced at the console and whistled when he saw which number was lit up. "Krista Braun, eh?" He gave the cup in my hand a measured look. "Yeah, you're fucked."
I didn't need some random guy telling me what I already knew and I made sure he knew that when I sent a blood-curdling glare his way.
Disappointedly, he wasn't even looking at me anymore and was instead opening up the file that the woman they were with had passed him. "That Czech bloke is pitching tomorrow," he mumbled as he flicked through it. "We might as well stay in bed."
The lift stopped on floor 22 and the three of them trotted out, bidding me a farewell and a pitiful 'good luck'.
When the doors slid open on 24, I moved my legs as fast as they could take me, propelling myself into the office and flying past the few rows of typing-monkeys at desks. I had my eyes on the glass office, but Krista wasn't in there.
Shit, shit, shit.
"Do they sell coffee at the bathroom now?"
I swallowed, and turned my head to face the voice dripping with sarcasm and downright despite. The Blonde Bitch was perched on my desk, her manicured nails stroking over my keyboard like talons over a dying mouse. I opened my mouth to throw back another one of my pathetic jokes, something scathing, or something sarcastic to match the expression my boss was giving me now but my throat had gone dry and I squeezed my lips together. Fuck.
"Well?"
She actually wanted an answer? I swallowed again. "I needed a coffee, Mrs Braun," I said weakly, using her title properly for once in an attempt to gain points.
"You did, did you?" She lifted her nails away from the keyboard. "Do you also need a job?"
Oh…Oh, this was it. It's over. I've thrown everything away for a fucking coffee. "Yes, ma'am."
That surprised her. Her eyebrows shot up. "'Ma'am'?" She laughed. The bitch was actually laughing at me. "You can call me whatever you like, Ymir, it won't help you."
"It won't help me?" I echoed.
I realized then that the entire office was silent. None of the other mules and monkeys were typing. They were all watching us, even Sasha. I met her eyes and a strike of fear shot down my spine, chilling me to my very core. This wasn't just about a coffee. Something was wrong, very wrong.
"You see this?"
I snapped my attention back to Krista. She was pointing at my computer. The screen was black.
"Yes, Mrs Braun."
"Do you know what this is?"
I frowned, my hand clenching tighter around the coffee cup I was holding. "It's my computer."
Krista shook her head, sadly. "This is a machine that belongs to Titan Surveys Co. and TSC is a business that belongs alongside any other major company or brand you can think of. We work well, we work hard, we get stuff done. We don't sneak off for coffee and lose £150,000 worth of contracts."
Sorry, what? What did she just say?
Seeing my utter confusion, Krista pointed one of those manicured talons at the blank computer screen. "£150,000 worth," she repeated, "gone. All because you didn't follow the security protocols before logging out."
Logging out? But I…
I heard it then. A faint grating of metal against bone, and I found him. Connie, Sasha's own fucking 'best friend', the same man who had snorted when I'd left before for coffee. He was looking at me now and could barely hold back his laughter.
I wanted to storm over there and punch his face in. I wanted to grab him by his £150 shirt collar and dash his skull against these polished walls. I wanted to smash his nose and kick him until his organs bleed. But I couldn't do any of those things because Blonde Bitch was sitting on my desk and was waiting for some sort of explanation.
"I didn't log out," I told her, cringing as I said it. It sounded just as bad as if I'd just said 'yeah, I didn't bother with your pile of crap security protocols and I threw out all the USBs and all the documents and I've burnt everything and scattered the ashes over your desk.' I should just have lied and confessed to logging out without following the protocols.
"You didn't log out?" Oh, if I wasn't shitting my pants before, I was definitely now. Krista was glaring at me like I'd grown two heads and eaten her children. "You do realize TSC deals with numerous names that demand assurance of the tightest security? Do you realize what your little fuck up has just cost us?"
"£150, 000," I said, because I was an idiot.
She flinched like she'd been slapped. "You have cost us our reputation! You have…" She tapered off, all anger suddenly leaving her. "There's no point. You've had more than enough chances and you've ruined every single one of them. You've always been like this; I was stupid to think otherwise."
That hurt. That really hurt. The look in her eyes, the disappointment and exhaustion in her voice, those words….They threw me back six years when Krista Lenz had looked at me in the exact same way and had said the exact same words in the exact same tone.
"I'm sorry," I croaked, but it was too late. The damage had been done. I'd messed everything up and blown my career out of the water. I'd gone from possibly knowing my shit well enough to work on 24 under the CEO's wife to having nothing. The coffee in my hand was growing cold and soon I wouldn't even have that.
I'd lost everything and the entire office had watched it happen.
I closed my eyes. Sasha had warned me. She'd warned me countless times. She knew what this job was to me and she knew what it meant to lose it. I couldn't bear to think of what kind of expression she was giving me right now.
"Pack up your things and leave."
I opened my eyes. Krista had stood up from my desk– or rather what used to be my desk – and I had to look down at her, and yet she seemed to loom over me and I felt like the smallest person in the universe.
The office remained silent as I grabbed the few choice things that I kept around my workspace. I didn't even need one of those boxes you see on TV. I shoved everything into my suit trousers pockets, picked up my lukewarm coffee and turned back to Krista.
I'm sure there were things to sort out – you couldn't just fire someone at TSC without a stack of paperwork and a few contracts being signed, one in particular vowing that I kept my mouth shut until death about all the work I'd done here. But right now wasn't the time for lingering. Krista Braun wanted me gone, and this time for good.
"I'm sorry," I said again, just loud enough so only she could hear. She didn't react, her face an emotionless porcelain slate, only her eyes betraying the anger she felt inside.
The lift ride down was long and quiet. It didn't stop on any floors so I was alone the whole time, staring at my distorted reflection in the shiny lift doors.
When it reached the ground floor, the doors slid open to reveal the most muscular man I'd ever seen and I knew exactly who I was faced with when I saw the straining shirt, the bottons fighting to stay done against the pure muscle mass underneath the sleek material.
"Ah, Ymir!" Reiner Braun declared happily, a huge grin on lips as he clapped a large hand on my shoulder. "Nice to see you! Going somewhere? The wife sent you out on some fieldwork?"
The whole act of 'we've been best pals since university' set my teeth on edge. He'd been doing ever since I started working here and it had only got worse after he and Krista had married. We weren't friends and never had been. I had known of his name while at university because he was the big shot who was due to inherit TSC when he graduated, but other than that I hadn't even come close to knowing what he looked like. But now…now I was fed up of his thick neck and thick skull and thick waist and thick shoulders and thick arms and just how doesn't he break her? That thought made me feel ill. I jerked away from him, striding out of the lift and towards the revolving doors on the other side of the lobby.
"Hey, Ymir, wait." A hand grabbed at my wrist, holding me back, and bile rose up in my throat, acid burning hotly as I tried to swallow it down. "Are you okay?"
I glanced furtively around the lobby. No one was looking at us and the woman at reception was staring so intently at something she wouldn't notice anything happening over at the lift doors. I spun around, shoving myself right against Reiner and pushing my face way too close for comfort to his. "Your wife fucking fired me. I'm not fucking okay, and I'm going fucking home, so if you'll kindly fuck off and let me go…"
"Krista fired you?!" The familiarity that he said her name with made me want to kick him in the guts, but even though I could swear at the CEO now that I didn't work here anymore didn't mean I would get away with beating up the almighty Reiner Braun.
"Yeah, so piss off, asshole." I pulled my arm out of his grasp and continued striding out the front doors.
But then his hand was back on my shoulder, halting me in my tracks, and it took everything I had not to shoot a fist straight into his jaw.
"Krista fired you?" he asked again.
"I just told you that she did." I struggled to get out from under the hold he had on my shoulder but I couldn't, not without making a scene that the receptionist would definitely notice.
"Why?"
Why the hell did he care? "Because I fucked up, like always. Now, let me go."
"Belt up, Ymir," he growled, his voice suddenly becoming deeper and resembling a lion's threatening snarl. "You and I both know you can't walk out of here."
"What the hell does that mean?" I snapped, mildly aware that I had spat in his face.
"Annie."
How did he know? How could he possibly know about Annie? Only Sasha knew about Annie and I never told Krista because it had happened after we'd spilt up all those years ago so she couldn't have told him about it. Just how…?
"Bastard," I hissed, leaning away from him with disgust. "You researched me."
He chuckled, as if we were having a drink together in a cosy bar and I'd told him a funny, little joke. "Of course I did. Do you think I wouldn't look into all the people who'd banged my wife before me?"
That was the last straw. I clenched my fist and drew my arm back. There was a moment when his eyes flashed, taunting me, mocking me, taking such delight in ridiculing me and his wife. Then there was a moment when he realized that I was actually going to do it but he was too slow to react and my knuckles smashed into his nose and I heard a satisfying crack.
"BITCH!" he roared, spinning away from me as he tried to stem the gush of blood from his nostrils, his nose bent at a horrifying angle.
The receptionist had stood up and was proceeding to tap numbers on the desk phone, probably calling the police or the big guns from security, but I couldn't care less. I gave her a small wave and a smile and then carried on out of the revolving doors and onto the street.
Home was a tiny one-bedroom apartment in the worst part of town and I loved it. I loved it because no one bothered you here because everything was derelict and there weren't even people around, and the rent was cheap.
What I didn't love about it was that it was the worst possible place for us to live. I had no other choice. Even with the job at TSC I only just afforded our living costs, as everything else went on medical bills or day-care.
I dug my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door. I could hear someone gurgling in the kitchen and smiled. "I'm home!" I called out, closing and locking the door behind me.
The gurgling cut short and I heard someone spitting. "MUM?!" A scurry of feet and a scrape of chair legs against kitchen tiles followed the screech, and then a shock of messy blonde hair bundled out of the kitchen towards me. "MUM!"
I laughed, bending down to accept the hug from the blonde mess. "Hey, Annie. How you doing?"
"We were brushing our teeth!" the girl declared, grinning a toothless grin.
I looked up as someone else stepped out of the kitchen. A tall brunette frowned at me, pushing up her glasses before they slipped to the end of her nose. "You're home early," she observed.
"Where's Petra?" I asked, ignoring the silent question.
"She had an emergency to deal with." She gave a dismissive shrug. "I offered to help out. Is that a problem?"
I studied her for a moment, my hands ruffling up Annie's hair. "I don't care as long as Annie's looked after."
The brunette appeared content with that answer. "Come on, Annie, you need to take your pills."
"Okay, Hanji!" the girl replied, tearing out of my arms and rushing back into the kitchen. Hanji didn't immediately follow her.
"I got fired," I confessed, knowing full well that the woman wouldn't let me stay quiet about why I was back so early.
Hanji didn't look surprised, but instead mournful. "What are you going to do?"
"Get another job."
"It's not as simple as that, Ymir. TSC paid well and it will take working 24/7 just to get anywhere near that amount of money."
I ground my teeth together, straightening up from my crouch. "You think I don't know that?"
"I can help you. We'll all help you, but it still won't be enough. Annie is full-time and that costs."
I struggled to keep my voice low so Annie wouldn't overhear us. "I knew full well what I was getting myself into when I took her in. I took that job at TSC for Annie. You know I wouldn't have worked with Krista otherwise."
"And yet you got fired."
I didn't need that. Hell, it was true, so goddamn true, but I didn't want to hear it. Hanji must have seen it on my face because she sighed, turning away into the kitchen. "Let's get you your pills, Annie!"
When Hanji left an hour later, I dropped down on the old couch I'd saved from a tip by the side of the road and closed my eyes. No sooner had I done that, a 15-year old weight of girl landed on top of me and I couldn't breathe for a split second.
"Hell, Annie, watch it," I groaned, not really angry at her at all.
But she took it as that and her eyes suddenly swam with tears.
"Woah, woah!" I smiled at her. "Look, it's fine, alright?" I stroked her cheek and the tears blinked away. She snuggled into my chest, her sharp nose cold against the skin of my neck.
"I love you, Mum," she whispered.
"Yeah, you too," I whispered back, my heart aching.
I wasn't her mum. We weren't even related, and yet the last few years I'd lived my life purely for her. I'd chased the girl I'd once loved when I was a dumb teenager in hopes of getting a job that actually mattered. And sure enough, TSC provided. For a moment I'd even thought that Krista and I would get back together, that everything that I'd done wrong would be forgiven again and I could call her my girlfriend once more. But Krista wasn't going to love her anymore, even if she wanted to, and then that asshole Reiner set his sights on her and there was no hope.
I bit down hard on my bottom lip so not to release the frustrated growl and disturb Annie as I remembered that guy's face, lording over TSC and his wife. Damnit, Krista wasn't an object. She was a living, breathing person and his wife, and he still….
I don't think I could ever hate someone as much as I did Reiner.
My life was a mess. Six years ago I had everything perfect. Krista was my girlfriend and we were planning on moving in together. Then I was myself one too many times and it was over. I made the same mistakes again and again. Fuck, maybe if I had just stopped running away maybe Krista wouldn't think I had stopped loving her, maybe she wouldn't have thought I had been having an affair or wouldn't have thought I was avoiding her for whatever possible reason other than the truth. I was an idiot who tripped over their own lies, and I told too many lies and they built up and up and she couldn't take them anymore, not with everything else, not with the idiot I was and still am.
I loved Krista with all my heart and, just a little bit, I still do.
But being a chick who doesn't want to have sex with their cute girlfriend doesn't tend to go down well when the entire world equals the great nasty deed with ultimate romance. I should have just talked to her and I ran away instead. Then we argued. Then the lies kept growing, and we argued more, and I made mistakes, so many of them, and I messed it up with her family and then it was over.
And then a few months later I was volunteering at a soup kitchen, because what's the point in finding a proper job now, and I came across Annie. A young girl who's family had long ago abandoned her wandering the streets. She came in every day, all toothless smiles and grime, and said a thousand 'thank you's' when I served her a bowl of warm soup and then she would sit alone and take an hour to finish it, most of it dripping down onto her clothes.
Annie would never grow up. Her brain would always remain the same as a young child and her parents had rejected the notion of caring for her the moment they knew about it.
I couldn't bear it. I had stood beside Sasha, who also volunteered there on weekends, and watched the young girl who should have been warm and safe at home or at least in a place that could look after her, and it hurt. Maybe being with Krista had changed me, because I couldn't just watch any longer.
It had taken a while and a lot of sorting out and a lot of help from Sasha to land the job at TSC, but then Annie was mine to care for.
And now I'd ruined the only thing that made looking after her possible. Without the cash, I couldn't afford the pills, the day-care, and all the things she needed. She was 15 years old and yet she wasn't.
"I'm sorry, Annie," I whispered to her. "I'm truly sorry."
-#-
I couldn't take those words back. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't.
"You shouldn't worry about it," Reiner was saying, his lips trailing the outline of my jaw. "She deserved it. She's messed us around for too long."
I could hear the smile in his voice. He was loving this – not just the fact that I was pressed down underneath him in the backseat of his car, but also the fact that I'd 'finally gotten rid of that eyesore'.
"She's messed you around for too long," he continued. His lips was now hovering over mine and his eyes gazed openly at my face. His hands were holding down my wrists either side of my head, but now he lifted one to cup my right breast, that smile growing when he felt me shudder in response. "I bet she never made you feel like this."
As he bent down to kiss along the length of my neck, I thought, no. No, she didn't. Ymir would never have done this, never in a million years.
I closed my eyes. Both of his hands were now greedily searching out the hem of my shirt, popping a few of the buttons in his haste to reach bare skin. His lips still kissed the side of my neck, his tongue slipping out to lick along my collarbone and a flare of heat set alight inside of me and I hated it.
"Open your legs," he husked into my ear, and I felt his hand settle on my thigh. "Open your legs, Mrs Braun."
That name…Ymir called me by it today. She had looked so lost and so panicked and so…so like that girl I knew six years ago. And yet she'd called me 'Mrs Braun' and hadn't argued against anything.
Reiner's fingers were at the waist band of my knickers, my skirt already hitched up around my hips, but I pulled away before he could drag them down.
"What's wrong?" he asked, slightly alarmed.
"How much did you pay Connie?" I asked, speaking in the tone I used when dealing with the people in my office.
"Who?" He was frowning, but his confusion was as fake as his concern a moment earlier.
"In my office. Connie Springer."
He pretended to think before shaking his head. "Sorry, can't picture him."
"You paid him to mess with Ymir's computer."
Reiner froze. "Excuse me?"
"You wanted Ymir to get the blame for those contracts. You wanted her fired but you know I wouldn't do it without a really good reason."
He snorted. "If you believe that, why did you fire her? Why not fire Connie?" He smirked. "Why not fire me?"
His hand snaked up the inside of my shirt again, fingers brushing my breasts, and he lowered his weight on top of me, the full length of himself pressed against my body, ensuring I was completely trapped and unable to move.
"Reiner, no." I tried to grab his hand and pull away again, but his knee suddenly twisted around my leg, locking into place, so I couldn't even roll over onto my back to face away from that look in his eyes.
"I'm your boss," he reminded her, his CEO name badge on his jacket glinting to prove it. "And I'm your husband." He kissed her fully on the lips before adding, "You don't get to say 'no'."
-#-
More than a week had passed since I graciously lost my job and I was still on this scrappy couch. I sighed, rubbing my eyes and then seeing that I still had week-old eyeliner on to mark my fingertips black. Great. I must look like a goddess from Venus.
I heaved myself off the couch and into the kitchen where Petra, the actual fully-qualified nurse that came to look after Annie when I couldn't, was steadily spooning porridge into the girl's face.
"Mum!" the girl cried when she saw me.
I gave her a wave and then went to search through the cupboards for my own breakfast.
"This was the last of what you had," Petra notified me, gesturing at the half-eaten bowl of porridge.
"Right," I said. Of course it was. I hadn't been shopping. That meant I had to go out and preferably before the rest of the money drained away into the funds for Annie.
"It's my half-day," Petra reminded me.
"Right," I said again. Of course it was. It was Saturday.
"Are you okay?" Petra asked. I turned to see her watching me with a look of concern. "If you need help…?"
"Thank you, but I'm fine at the moment." At the moment.
Petra dressed Annie and got her ready while I went for a shower and sorted myself out. There was no point and no time for wallowing; I needed to get a job soon. More than one.
I locked the door behind the three of us. "Thank you, Petra," I said as we parted ways. "It means a lot."
She nodded, smiling, but it didn't really reach her eyes. I knew what she was thinking. She gets paid to come and help me and care for Annie, so me being so grateful for it when I was obviously going to be struggling with everything soon fell flat.
The supermarket was a twenty minute walk away and Annie wasn't going to be able to do that and then walk around the aisles afterward, so I crouched down so she could climb onto my back. I was tall enough and strong enough to be easily capable for carrying a 15 year old, especially one of Annie's size and weight, but we still got a few strange looks from people.
Surprisingly and thankfully, we had arrived at the supermarket at a time where people tended to be sunning themselves or doing anything but weekly shopping and it was half as busy as I expected it to be on a weekend.
I was grateful for it, especially with Annie. I let her down and then pondered on perhaps shoving her in the trolley to make everything easier as we went around, but then I remembered that I'd done that before and the distinct image of the trolley falling into the cereals with her in it popped up in my mind. Yeah, no. Not going to happen.
"Stay with me, okay?" I said quietly to her. "Never go out of my sight."
She nodded.
"Promise?"
"I promise." She crossed her heart with her hand and I raised an eyebrow. Where had she learned that?
As I rolled the trolley down the yogurt aisle, making for the cheese counter at the end, Annie suddenly vanished from walking beside it. I momentarily panicked until I found her gaping at a '2for1' sale on four packs of strawberry shortcake-flavoured yogurts.
"Hey," I mock-hissed at her. "I told you not to run off."
She was still staring at the yogurts. "You said not to go out of your sight." She looked up at me, pointedly. "I didn't."
I sighed, but I had to smile as well. "Okay. Do you want some of those?" I motioned at the yogurts.
"No."
"Oh." I watched as she lost whatever interest she'd had in them and instead skipped over to the cheese counter.
I joined her, asking if there was anything in particular she wanted, but it was a void question because she didn't have a clue what cheddar or stilton meant and she was quickly losing interest in looking at the different colours and textures. I decided against buying any cheese at all because it was actually kind of expensive and we didn't eat enough of it anyway.
"Is there anything else you fancy, Annie?" I asked, turning away from the cheeses.
But she wasn't there. I took a deep breath, telling myself that she was probably distracted by something again and she had promised not to leave my sight. But as I glanced around I couldn't find Annie anywhere. Shit. This is bad.
I abandoned the trolley and started to run down the length of the store, glancing down each aisle as I passed. She wasn't there. No, no. She's definitely here; she's probably just standing behind someone or moving between aisles.
I ran back up the store, glancing for longer down each aisle and – there!
I sprinted down the aisle, taking note that it was the tinned fruits and vegetables aisle, and grabbed her arm. "Annie! I told you not to leave my sight!"
I had shouted and she flinched, cowering and crouching down so she hung weakly from my hand. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
I was mortified and utterly horrified at myself. I knew about Annie, I knew how to deal with her and yet I'd run up to her and shouted at her. I could feel people staring at us and I was terrified that someone was going to make the wrong call and put me down the road of losing her. I couldn't lose her along with everything else.
I bent down, sitting on my knees of the supermarket floor, releasing her arm so I could cup her cheeks with both of my hands. "Hey," I hushed softly. "Hey, I'm sorry. It's okay."
"I didn't mean to run off," she sobbed, tears streaming down her face.
"I know, I know." I placed a kiss to her forehead and tried to wipe away the tears with my thumbs but it was hopeless. "It's okay."
"You're not angry with me?" she asked me with those watery eyes.
"Of course I'm not," I told her.
She studied me for a moment, as if to make certain I was telling the truth and then she smiled her beautiful toothless smile. "I love you, Mum."
"Yeah, yeah."
"'Mum'?"
Out of all the possible places I could come across her, I never imagined I would meet Krista Braun in the supermarket. I looked up at her, my heart pounding in my chest as I instinctively grabbed Annie's hand and straightened to my full height.
"Hey, boss," I joked, knowing she'd hate that.
But instead of looking irritated, the short blonde looked hurt.
"You're a mum now?" she asked, her eyes frowning at Annie.
"Um…"
"Mum." Annie tugged on my shirt.
"What is it?" I looked down at her, both grateful for the distraction and unsettled that she'd called me 'Mum' in front of Krista again.
"Tissue, please."
I patted down my pockets but I didn't have any, and I suddenly remembered I'd left the trolley behind. "I'm sorry, we'll have to buy some." I smiled reassuringly at her. "We're in the right place, though."
Krista was watching me with a really peculiar expression and I didn't know how to face it, so I continued to smile down at Annie.
"Tissue," the girl repeated.
I swallowed. Please, no, don't do this in front of Krista, not straight after that horrifying sobbing moment.
"Here," Krista suddenly announced, plucking out a clean tissue from her handbag and holding it out for Annie to take.
Annie stared at it, confused, before looking up at me. She would never take something off someone she didn't know or didn't feel comfortable with – a fact that I would forever be grateful for.
"Thanks," I said, accepting the tissue and using it to dab at the tears still on Annie's cheeks.
"She's not young enough to be your daughter," Krista observed, too loudly.
"Ymir is my mum!" Annie shouted, a flare of anger rising in the girl.
I reached out to stroke her hair. "She's my daughter," I said. "Just not…" I gestured towards my own body.
Thankfully, Krista understood and nodded, and Annie was left unawares. I had never planned on being Annie's mum, but that was what Annie had felt happy with and any argument against it always resulted in an outburst of rage. Sometimes I wondered if she'd forgotten everything that had happened to her before and I was 'it'.
"I never took you as someone who'd have children," Krista said, still watching Annie as the girl continued to wipe at her own eyes with the tissue.
"Neither did I," I conceded. I sighed, glancing at the people shopping around us. An elderly woman was eyeing me suspiciously and I recognized her as one of the few who'd been watching closely when Annie had been crying. I wasn't a very good parent, in fact I was probably one of the worst, but I cared for Annie and wouldn't ever hurt her so I despised the woman's open hostility towards me.
"You're shopping?" I asked Krista unnecessarily, and then added, "Where's Reiner?"
At the mention of his name, the blonde's face darkened. "He still had some work to do."
I frowned. Usually when people spoke to Krista about her husband her face would light up and she'd gush about him as if he was the best thing since sliced bread, and yet right now she looked as if I'd served her raw mice with a garnish of human brains and had offered to go kill someone else so she could have a glass of fresh blood. "You okay?"
She didn't respond immediately and I had my answer.
"Annie," I said, looking cheerfully down at the girl. "This is Krista. She's a friend of mine. She's going to be shopping with us and then we're all going to go home and have a cup of tea. Is that okay with you?"
I could see the girl's mind working through what I'd said, turning her head to analyse Krista, before nodding eagerly. "Okay!"
"Wait-"
"No," I interrupted Krista. "No 'waits' and no 'buts'. Okay?"
She looked at me and for a moment the woman I knew as the Blonde Bitch crumbled and I saw Krista Lenz beneath it all and her look of pure helplessness broke me. "Okay."
-#-
With the wage she had been receiving by working at TSC I had expected Ymir to be living in a beautiful, expensive studio apartment in the best part of town, as many of our workers did, but to my surprise she lived in exactly the opposite.
As I pulled onto the pavement outside her apartment, Annie, the slim blonde girl who acted much younger than what she appeared, started hopping up and down in the backseat of the car. I shivered, immediately looking away, because just over a week ago I had been laid across that backseat in a very different situation.
We climbed out of the car and I followed Ymir and Annie up the short flight of stairs up to their small home that seemed more like a ramshackle hut compared to the house I lived in with Reiner.
Waving away the thoughts and memories that came along with that name, I allowed myself to be ushered into the living room and took a seat on a horribly stained sofa.
"Tea, one sugar and a dash of milk?"
I looked up to see Ymir standing in the middle of the room, still carrying all the shopping bags she'd brought in with them. I blinked, realizing that it had been more of a statement than a question, and feeling awful when I realized I was happy that Ymir had remembered how I liked my tea after all these years.
"Do you have coffee?" I asked in response instead.
That faltered Ymir's smile and her brow furrowed low over her eyes. She was probably thinking of her last day at TSC, and that left a foul taste in my mouth.
"I'll put the kettle on!" Annie suddenly said, rushing past Ymir into what I presumed was the kitchen.
"Woah, no, you don't. Annie, get back in here." When the young girl returned, Ymir dropped a few of the shopping bags into her arms. "Put them on the table and keep away from the kettle." From the stern look Ymir was giving her, I sensed that something had occurred in the past concerning the kettle and I had to smother a laugh at the whole thing – Ymir was totally acting like a mother caring for her daughter and it just looked so odd.
When they returned, Ymir passed me a cup of steaming black coffee and then waved Annie away to her room, ordering her to read 'that book she liked so much'.
We sat next to each other on the mouldy sofa in silence for a few minutes, each taking cursory sips from their cups and both deciding that their drinks were too hot.
"So, a daughter...?" I prompted, uneasily.
"I wanted to help her," came the short reply. I felt like asking more questions about Annie wouldn't be welcome at all.
"What's up with you and Reiner?"
"What?" I was surprised. How did she guess something was wrong?
"You went all dark and moody when I mentioned him before. Now, stop me if I'm wrong, but he used to be your knight in shining armour, right? You loved the bones of him and couldn't stop saying how absolutely brilliant he was, and yet…" She was frowning and the look of worry in her deep brown eyes made me want to just forget everything that had happened and collapse back into the lumpy comfort of her sofa and cry and never leave.
"Reiner is the CEO of TSC and my husband, and I lead over an entire office of the best workers money could buy and you don't have any connection to any of it anymore. It's not any of your business."
"Fuck that," she spat. "We were friends a long time ago. You were my girlfriend and I've never stopped caring about you just because we aren't anymore. I may be an arse but you're a bitch. You were my boss for years. This is my business."
"That's all over, so it isn't."
"Fuck that," she repeated, her voice sounding frustrated. "What happened? Tell me."
I realized then that Ymir truly hadn't changed in the past six years. She may have been more of an 'arse' at work than she had ever been, causing me problems all the time, but it had sometimes been the only source of entertainment that I would get all week. She may have a daughter who seemed to have problems, but Ymir was looking after her as her mother, and that meant something. Ymir was still Ymir and why had I ever thought otherwise?
"He's my husband and the CEO, he can do what he wants," I said, my voice flat and robotic, just as monotone as a bad actor reading from a script and I knew Ymir heard it.
"What did he do?"
I glanced at the open living room door. "Annie…"
"Annie's reading." She waved a dismissive hand, her eyes never leaving my face. "She won't stop reading until she's finished the book. Tell me."
I licked my lips. I was so weak, how had I been pushed into coming here…this was why I never wanted to meet Ymir out of the work environment because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the full extent of the façade up, I wouldn't be able to still hate her when I saw her and not the idiot I had working for me.
"He…he's just a bit forthright about sex." The moment the words left my lips I knew I shouldn't have said it. Not to Ymir. Not when Ymir and sex had been one of the main problems six years ago. Not when being 'a bit forthright' was the exact opposite to how Ymir had been, and damn, I've hurt her, haven't I?
But when I peered over at her, Ymir wasn't hurt, she looked panicked and sickened. "What did he do?" she forced through clenched teeth.
"He does what he wants," I said, the words flowing out without me realizing what I was saying.
Her eyes narrowed and her hands twitched as if she wanted to punch something. "Did he hurt you?"
I thought about it and yes, he had. I nodded.
"Do you still love him?"
It was a strange question really, and I wondered if she was trying to see the connection between sex and love that I did or if she was aiming for something else entirely in asking it. I opened my mouth and whispered, "No, I don't think I ever did."
I hadn't known what I was going to say until I did, and it knew it was the truth. I had gone out with Reiner and married him because of the sex, not because I loved him. The only person I had ever loved was sat on this disgusting sofa right beside me and I had ruined our relationship so much there was no going back.
"Stay here."
"Sorry, what?"
"Stay here," she repeated, her expression unchanging. "Don't go back to him. You can keep your job at TSC, right? You got that on your own merit, not through him. Or you can get a better job elsewhere. I'll get a job, and we can live here or move somewhere nicer and Annie will be up for it, I'm sure."
I threw my hands up to stop her. "Wait, Ymir, do you know what you're saying?"
"I know what I'm saying. I know exactly what I'm saying. I also know I want to kill him right now, not just break his nose."
I blinked. "You did that?"
She looked stunned for a moment, and then her face split into a wide grin. "Oh, yeah."
"You really haven't changed."
Her eyes softened. "And neither have you. Under it all."
The tenderness she was watching me with was supposed to be making me uncomfortable, but it didn't. My heart was aching and I wanted to hold her. I wanted her to hold me. Not like Reiner did, but just like Ymir did. "I'm not the Blonde Bitch?"
She laughed. "You knew about that? Well, no, right now you're not."
I loved that laugh and god, where had I gone wrong? "I love you, Ymir."
She froze. "W-what?"
"I've always loved you."
"But…"
"I know. I really do." I touched a hand to my chest, above my heart. "I've messed up with everything so bad and I've ended up in the worst situation possible."
"I never ran away from you, you didn't mess up that bad." She smirked.
"You're way too full of yourself for your own good."
"I love you too. Always."
"Oh," I breathed.
"Yeah."
Minutes ticked by and I have no idea how I kept on breathing. "This is messed up. I've done things that are unforgiveable to you and you did things, and now we're both declaring our love to each other and you were offering an entirely new life and it can't work out."
"We don't have to be together if we don't have to. We don't even have to be friends. But no matter what we do in the future or now, or what we are to each other, and no matter how much we love each other, we'll do what's best. And what's best right now is that you never go back to that asshole of a man."
"But I could be lying to you. He could be the sweetest person-"
"Fuck, no, he isn't." Something dark was flickering in her eyes and I sensed that Ymir knew something about my husband that I didn't. Or maybe I did and just didn't want to realize it.
"Okay."
She looked hopeful. "Okay…?"
"I'll stay." I sighed. "Damn you, winding me around your little finger. I was ready to throw you out of the window of 24 not long ago."
"Same here." She shrugged. "Same here."
"So what does that mean?" I said, my stomach clenching and flopping over.
"It means I'm protecting you from an asshole and we'll deal with whatever later. Right now I need a job." She stood and disappeared into the kitchen, returning soon after with a newspaper and opened it to the ads section. "A job so I can support Annie."
I had half-expected her to say 'a job so I can support you' and then it all made sense. Before it had all been about us, but the real reason why Ymir had been at TSC had been for Annie. The reason why she was looking at job advertisements was for Annie. Ymir had changed. She was going to help me, but that didn't mean we were going to make all the same mistakes again.
I exhaled long and hard. "I love you, but we can't be together."
Her hands froze, a page half-turned. Then, "I know that."
"Not right now."
She laughed once, humourlessly. "In a few years time when we don't hate each other's guts?"
"Yeah."
"That's messed up."
"When did we ever say we weren't?"
A/N
*sighs deeply and forever* This started off really good and tapered off to something way sub-par but okay.
Back to actual work, bye bye.
