22A/N: This is set speculatively in the end of Deep Trouble Part 2. The assumption is that Sam and Callen are safe, Hetty is still in Washington, Talia has returned to the DEA, and Kensi and Deeks have not yet discussed anything further about their relationship or the events of Three Hearts through Deep Trouble.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to NCIS:LA
Usually, when a case ends and the day is over, Kensi's world settles back into a sense of relative stability. Chaos and danger are just another part of her life and, once the ripples disperse, she goes back to her routine and moves on to the next thing. When things are normal—or as normal as they get for Kensi Blye—relatively few things really challenge that pattern.
Things haven't been normal for a while now.
Since her deployment to Afghanistan, her whole world has been shifting unsteadily on its axis. Her deployment, the unsettled nature of her relationship with Deeks, Jack's return, her captivity, her return, Angelo, Deeks, Sam and Callen—it feels like they're all conspiring to keep her off balance. Now, in the space of one day, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her already unstable feet.
Kensi has always done her best to keep herself from counting on things. Life has taught her that people cannot be trusted, that all conditions, including happiness, are temporary.
But, despite her best efforts, there are two things she has come to count on over the last few years.
One: Hetty knows all and controls all.
Two: Deeks is always going to be there, to be hers. He's always going to be willing to wait.
In the space of one very long day, all of that is shaken.
Between Hetty's brusque rebuff, her subsequent mysterious departure, and Granger's ominous words, she started the day off already agitated.
And then a beautiful brunette DEA agent had showed up, smiling proprietarily at her partner.
At the end of the day, she is left shaken. None of the things that she was certain of seem so clear anymore, and she's desperate to get her feet back on solid ground, to know what is real and dependable in her shifting world.
Death and danger are standard in their world, but it still shakes her to see Callen and Sam, her invincible mentors, come so close to not coming home. It's been long enough since either of them have had a really close call that she'd allowed herself to be lulled into a false sense of security on their behalf.
She's not used to being uncertain. She's built her life around being strong, being untouchable, until suddenly she's not anymore.
And Deeks—Deeks is supposed to be hers. That's one thing she hadn't questioned in a long time—until Talia and her flirting and innuendo had showed up aimed at her partner.
It's only the fact that he had awkwardly backpedaled every time Talia said anything a little too suggestive that gives her the courage to show up at his door that night, seeking answers.
When he opens the door, he's in sweats and Monty's face peeks through from behind his left knee. He looks comfortable and rumpled and huggable and just when on earth did Kensi Blye start thinking of people as huggable? Suddenly, all she wants is to be curled in the circle of those arms on the couch. She's pretty sure they'd help steady the shifting of the ground beneath her—except at the moment he's still the source of some of the quaking.
When she stares at him blankly for a minute, he runs a nervous hand through his hair and reaches out.
"Kens? Do you want to come in?"
There is a long pause in which neither of them say anything.
"She doesn't get you. She can have anything else she wants, as long as she doesn't get you."
The words come unbidden from the middle of her train of thought, and for a moment she can see that he is genuinely confused.
"Who doesn't get me? Talia?" There is something unsettling in seeing his bad-ass Blye look so vulnerable and it throws him for a loop and he cocks his head in confusion. At his feet, Monty unconsciously mimics the action as he follows the voices above him.
"Of course Talia. Was there someone else today that was one step away from wrapping herself around you and using you for a stripper pole?"
A snort of laughter escapes him at that description. He likes this jealous, possessive side of her, but he doesn't like seeing her so unsettled, so he puts her out of her misery.
"Do you know what she said to me while you were in the bathroom?"
She scoffs, and he sees a bit of his Kensi in amidst the uncertainty again.
"Do I want to know?"
"She told me I was 'clearly madly in love with my partner.' Call me crazy, but I don't think any woman really wants a man who she can see is clearly madly in love with someone else."
His blue eyes have gone soft as he tilts his head and leans in to look in her eyes. It's not like them to be so straightforward about things, but she thinks maybe he's getting just as tired of the confusion as she is.
The world begins to settle.
"So I get you?"
"Do you want me? Cuz we haven't really talked about any of this Kens. We started to and then you were shipped off to Afghanistan and we couldn't really talk, and then there was Jack back again and the capture and I was trying not to push. And then there was Angelo and I couldn't put you in more danger because of me. I haven't been sure where we stood for months, Kens. I didn't even know what I wanted for a while. I have no idea what you want anymore."
She realizes then that while he has been her sure thing for aeons, he has never been quite as certain of her. All the things that make him her source of stability are things that he himself lacks.
She sees fear in his eyes and suddenly understands where it comes from. They are different by nature. The same situations cause them to react in opposite ways. Once that realization strikes her, she feels stupid for not having not having seen it sooner. They are opposite in so many ways, how had she missed this one?
When something strikes a little too close to something she loves, she draws it closer, her instinct is to fight for it and protect it and bind it even more solidly to herself. It's when things are threatened that she finds herself most willing to invest in them.
His nature is different; whether it's a legacy of his father or just his deeply self-deprecating nature, he does the opposite. He assumes that he is the source of the danger, and he separates himself from what he loves in order to protect it.
It happened with Angelo, with the aftermath of Sidarov, with countless other situations.
The moments that make her pull closer are the same ones that make him push away. She's done with that. It's her turn, and she intends to pull him so close that he won't be able to get enough leverage to push away again.
"Yes. I want you. Do I get you?"
It comes out so soft and hesitant that she almost doesn't recognize the voice as her own.
The heavy breath that is expelled from his lungs is followed closely by a reverent hand coming up to cup her cheek.
"You've always had me."
"And I think you've always had me, it's just that it took a while for me to admit it."
And then she's secured in the circle of those arms and the earth begins to settle back into place.
Maybe Hetty will be back, maybe she won't. Afghanistan and Jack will need to be dealt with. Things will shift and shudder for a while, but she can already feel the foundation under her feet again. His chest is solid under her cheek and his arms are steady and firm around her, and that's enough to set her world back on its axis.
A/N: This story is a direct result of all of your reviews of my last story In Due Time. I literally read them all and then thought "hmm... what can I write next?" This is what resulted from that. Thanks a million for the inspiration and the encouragement!
I generally struggle with writing Kensi's emotions and reactions, but when I watched Deep Trouble again just prior to writing this, she struck me as being very clearly unsettled by all the things that were going on, and not just with Deeks. Plus, I think it's safe to say that inner Kensi must still be dealing with the Afghanistan story arch more than we've see on the show so far, and I wanted to bring that out. She came across as very vulnerable in Deep Trouble, and this was born out of that emotion. I'd love to hear your perspectives on how you saw her in that episode and this piece.
