231Chapter 1
Escaping Life
Cell phone, charger, purse, my luggage, the kids' luggage, laptop, bag with important documents, Bakari's Snowy...
Olivia stood at the bottom of the staircase and mentally checked off the list of essential items she planned to take with her when she left Fitz. She had been seriously planning this for two weeks now. It had been a difficult decision. She had changed her mind several times, but after months of contemplation and mental agony about the affects on her children, she knew leaving him was the only way forward.
How does one make the decision to leave one's beloved, especially her? Fitz was the only man she ever loved. Now, 15 years and 4 children later, Olivia had accepted certain realities. She was surviving, but not thriving in their marriage. For her, the solution to their problems would require Fitz to change, and she knew he wasn't willing to do that. He couldn't change.
She was no longer the naive college coed who had been absolutely swept off her feet by a successful chef and restaurateur, 14 years her senior. Back then she'd been content to follow his lead in most everything, where they lived, whether or not she would work or be a stay at home mom, the number of children they should have, and the list went on. Over the years, she started to feel as if her life was not her own. There was no self-determination, nothing in her life that was her own. Instead she was just there to support Fitz and his dreams. When their youngest child, Bakari, had turned 5 a year ago, Olivia began working part time. Unfortunately, Fitz was less than supportive.
"Mommy, why isn't Daddy coming with us on the camping trip?" Bakari asked from his perch on the fifth step. He was holding his favorite stuffed animal, a fluffy white baby seal he had gotten from SeaWorld on their family vacation last summer. His Cars backpack hung on his shoulders.
Olivia hated to lie to the kids, but it was necessary considering the circumstances. She had invented this camping trip, assuring them that Fitz would join them later. Without this little deception, it would have been impossible to explain why they were leaving without him. They loved Fitz. He was a good father. Fiona, the eldest, worshipped the ground he walked on. Unfortunately, her relationship with Olivia left much to be desired.
Fitz was out of town visiting one of his restaurants so this was the perfect time to leave. She knew he would never let her leave. During heated arguments when she threatened to go, he would say they vowed till death. She began to take it as a threat on some level, though she knew he would never harm her.
"Daddy is coming later, Sweetie Pie. Do you have Snowy's blanket? We are getting ready to go," Olivia said. Her heart broke a little when she saw how worried he looked.
"But Mommy, Snowy doesn't want to go without Daddy. He is the only one who can scare the bears away," said Bakari who was never one to be persuaded easily when he was set on something.
Olivia tried another tactic. "Would you be my helper and get your sisters and brother? I will buy you that new magic set you saw at the store yesterday.
Bakari's eyes lit up as he rose to his feet. "Okay, Mommy, I'll be your helper!" He bounded up the stairs to fulfill his mission.
Olivia checked her cell phone for the time. She was expecting Jake in 15 minutes. He was going to drive them to airport for their short flight to Olivia's aunt's house in Virginia. Jake had been a good friend through all of this. But he was another point of contention with Fitz who detested Jake. Despite her protestations that they were simply friends, Fitz forbade her from being his friend. Forbade her. His highhandedness had solidified her decision. She was not a child to be ordered around.
Olivia looked up to see her 4 children walking down the stairs, led by Bakari. Furiously texting on her cell phone, Fiona's face held that disinterested expression of a teenager. Thirteen year old Gerry and 10 year old Binti also held their devices. They were playing a game.
"Okay, sports fans, it's time to go," Olivia announced. "Everyone grab a bag."
"Mom, Is Dad going to take us fishing? We need to get some worms," Binti said.
At that moment, Olivia noticed Fiona looking around the room as if she had lost something.
"Are you okay, honey?" Olivia asked.
"I have to use the bathroom," Fiona mumbled. She walked into the bathroom.
"Mommy, may I get a new magic set every time I'm your helper?" Bakari asked pulling on Olivia's sleeve.
Before Olivia could answer, she heard the garage door opening. No, that can't be…
A shot of adrenaline coursed through her body. There were only two scenarios to explain the garage door opening. One: It was Fitz. Two: It was Fitz's sister, Natalie, the only other person to have their garage door controller. She was glued to her spot when the kitchen door opened.
"Daddy! Daddy! You're here," Bakari squealed, running to Fitz who bent down to scoop him up.
"Hey, Sweetie Pie," Fitz said. He glanced at Olivia with a confused look that turned grief stricken when he saw their bags.
"I'm glad you are here, Daddy! Snowy will be happy too. He hates going camping without you because you scare away the bears," Bakari said.
Gerry and Binti acknowledged Fitz's presence with confused smiles before they returned to their game.
"Gerry, could you take your brother and sister upstairs? I need to talk to Mom for a minute?"
"Okay, Dad," Gerry said, oblivious to the growing tension in the room.
"But Mommy made me the helper. I will take everyone upstairs," Bakari said.
"Dad, we need to get worms for the bait," Binti said.
Fitz smiled at his daughter. "Sure, honey."
Fiona appeared out of the bathroom as Bakari led Binti and Gerry, who had returned to their game, up the stairs.
She rushed over to Fitz. "Dad, she was trying to take us away. She lied and said we were going camping, but we were going to stay with Aunt Jane."
"Fiona, go to your room." Olivia said.
"You can't make us leave Dad just because you want to go!" Fiona shouted.
"Fiona, don't take that tone with your mother. Please go to your room," Fitz said evenly. Fiona snapped her teeth and stormed upstairs.
Fitz and Olivia stood there in the quiet for a moment until Fiona's door slammed.
"Liv, what the hell is going on here? Fiona called me this morning. She was hysterical. I couldn't understand what she was saying…that you were leaving...and Aunt Jane. At the time, I thought you two were having a disagreement, but now I see what she meant by leaving and why I kept getting your voicemail. So is that it? You're trying to leave me?"
Olivia wasn't prepared for this confrontation. She knew it would come, but she needed to be away from him first.
She swallowed. "Yes, Fitz. I'm leaving. I have to. I want to do this rationally...without a confrontation…for the kids' sakes. We can talk later to…sort things out. Please don't try to stop me."
He stepped towards her and removed the bag from her shoulder.
"Liv, I'm not going to try to stop you because you and my children aren't going anywhere. Let's talk about this. I know we've been off lately, but-"
"No, Fitz. This is more than a being off. I can't be with you anymore. It hasn't been good between us for awhile. You have to…let me go," Olivia said raggedly, feeling the pain of the words in her heart.
He grabbed her shoulders. "Liv, no…" They both froze at the chiming of her cell phone. They both looked at her hand where the phone resided. Olivia tried to put it in her pocket, but Fitz snatched it from her grasp. The caller ID revealed it was Jake.
"Give me the phone, Fitz!" Olivia said trying to pull it from his hands. He lifted it out of her grasp and connected the line. Placing the phone to his ear, he heard Jake say, "I'm outside."
"Good, you son of a bitch! I going to beat the hell out of you," Fitz railed into the phone. He shoved Olivia's phone into his pocket and took three quick steps to the front door.
"Fitz…no, please no. Don't do this. He was going to drive us to the airport, that's all."
He ignored her and stormed outside, down the driveway and to the sidewalk where Jake was parked. Fitz caught Jake unawares and jerked open the driver's side door.
"You son of a bitch! I told you to stay away from my wife," Fitz bellowed, grabbing Jake by his collar and shaking him back and forth.
"Let me go you basta-" Jake said before Fitz grabbed his throat and squeezed.
"Fitz! Fitz! Stop it! Let him go!" Olivia said. She was crying openly.
He continued choking Jake, watching his face turn red as he clawed at Fitz's hands. After a short while, Fitz released him.
"Stay away from my wife or I won't stop the next time," he promised.
Fitz grabbed Olivia's hand and pulled her behind him, back into the house.
"What is wrong with you? You shouldn't have attacked him like that, Fitz. I am tired of you trying to control me," she screamed, before snatching her phone out of his pocket.
"Let's talk about this, Livy. The kids…" Fitz said.
He followed her up the stairs to their bedroom.
"There is nothing else to talk about," Olivia said slamming door in his face.
Fitz closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door, cursing himself aloud for losing his head.
He felt a tug on his right pant leg. "Daddy, what's a sonna of bish?"
"Umm…" He smiled down at Bakari, and knelt in front of him, placing his ear to the stuffed seal tucked against his chest.
"Snowy said he wants to go camping another night," Fitz said. He put his ear to Snowy again. "He wants to get ready for bed and hear a bedtime story. Can you go to your room and get ready for bed? I'll be up to read you a story."
"Okay, Daddy. Can we read, Interrupting Chicken?"
"Of course, Bakari. We read it every night. Tell Gerry and Binti to get ready for bed too," Fitz said.
Bakari skipped down the hallway, but stopped short to turn back to him. "Daddy, Is Mommy mad at me because I didn't want to go on the camping trip without you?"
"No, Mommy is not mad at you. She would never be mad at her little helper," Fitz said.
Fitz walked downstairs. He collected the luggage gathered at the bottom of the stairs and placed it in front of each person's bedroom door. He locked the front door and turned on the outside light.
He walked to Fiona's room and tapped on her door. When she didn't answer, he knocked louder.
"Who is it?" she said.
"Open the door, Fiona."
She appeared, headphones resting around her neck, the low din of music audible owning to the elevated volume. She was already taller than Olivia. Most people didn't immediately see her resemblance to her mother. They were distracted by her fair skin, sandy brown hair, and hazel eyes. But when he looked at her, all he saw was Olivia, her facial expressions, mannerisms, and even their voices sounded alike. Unfortunately, the teenage years translated into disagreements, arguments, and general conflict between mother and daughter.
Fitz noticed that her eyes were wet and smudged with mascara and eyeliner. She loved to adorn her eyes with a healthy swath of both. He walked into her bathroom for a Kleenex.
"Tell me about these tears, Fiona," he said softly, wiping away the streaks of mascara and eye liner.
"Daddy, I don't want you and Mommy to get a divorce," she said. Her voice broke, opening up a floodgate of fresh tears.
Fitz pulled her into a hug. "Fiona, your mom and I are not getting a divorce."
She pushed back from him and scooted back against her partially unmade bed. "Daddy, don't lie to me. I heard her on the phone with that guy...she said she couldn't do it anymore, that it was time to leave."
"I promise you that we are not getting a divorce. We have some things to work out," Fitz said, pushing back the fresh anger that manifested when she mentioned, 'that guy.' Were you eavesdropping on your mom?"
Fiona's expressive face gave her away before she spoke. "Yes, but it was a mistake. I walked into your bedroom and she was already talking."
"You should never do that again, honey, but I'm glad you called me. You should have talked to your mother about it too. We are all on the same team, okay?"
"Yeah," she said, grudgingly.
"So, can I see a smile from my Lady Bug?" he requested.
"Dad, I'm not five anymore."
"Okay," Fitz said standing up and walking to the middle of her bedroom. "Prepare for the Wobble dance, Dad style" he said.
"I'm smiling. I'm smiling. Please don't dance," she said.
"You know, honey. I think we should go camping. We can do it in the backyard. It's been awhile since we backyard camped."
"Can I invite Pearl?" Fiona asked, already reaching for her cell phone.
"It's too short notice. I want it to be just family tonight, okay?" Fitz said.
"Is Mom coming?"
"I hope so." he said.
Fitz left the room with a heavy sigh and headed to his bedroom.
"Are you okay?" Olivia said. She had called Jake to check on him.
"I should be asking you that same question. How are you?"
"I'm fine. I'm sorry for…" Olivia sighed, not able to finish. She sat in the center of the king sized four poster bed.
"It wasn't your fault. You're married to a nut job, Olivia. We both know that. Comes with the territory," Jake said.
Olivia was angry with Fitz, but she didn't like the way Jake spoke about him.
"I'm sorry you were in the middle tonight, Jake. I have to go. Good-" she said curtly.
"Liv, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I've never been choked within an inch of my life before. Keep talking to me."
Olivia didn't want to talk to him anymore. As if she willed it to happen, her Aunt Jane's number flashed on her phone.
"Jake, I have to go," she said, clicking over from him, ignoring his pleas to keep her on the phone.
"Hey Auntie," Olivia said.
"Did you and the kids make it to the airport?"
"No. Fiona sold me out. She somehow found out about my plan to leave and called him. Fitz showed up, Auntie. He's here."
"Thank God," sighed Jane. "I will always support you, Olivia, but leaving your husband is not the answer. You can't undo 15 years, baby."
"I'm not trying to undo anything. I can't be married to him anymore. I just can't do it anymore."
"Do what, Olivia?"
"I don't want to get into this with you. I know where you stand."
"I am asking a simple question. What can't you do? What grievance do you have against your husband that is beyond resolving...that you have to break up your family to rectify?"
Olivia slowly placed her head back against the headboard.
"He doesn't see me. He sees what he wants to see. I'm almost 40 and I don't have anything of my own. I am Fitz's wife and the mother of Fiona, Gerry, Binti, and Bakari. My life is one big contingency. I want to do something meaningful with my life. I am working part-time. Fitz tolerates it, but I know he doesn't really want me working. When he told me I couldn't associate with Jake as if I am a child, I...that was it! I've been thinking that he's always been like this…controlling and pigheaded, but I was too young and stupid to see it."
"Olivia Caroline Pope, you lack perspective. From where I sit, the punishment doesn't fit the crime. First off, you are where you are because that is where you wanted to be or where you chose to be. I know Fitz…have known him since you two started dating. Yes, he's pushy, and pigheaded, and stubborn…but Olivia, you've always sort of...don't take this the wrong way...indulged him…or let him be that way. I mean, you never say 'no' to him. It's just that simple. Now is that his fault or yours? Baby, you teach people how to treat you."
"That is not true. You're calling me a pushover?"
"No. I didn't say that. Okay, consider this. Every time Bakari comes to visit me what does he do?" Auntie Jane asked.
"He gives you a hug and puts out a his hand for the silver dollar."
"Yes, that is what he does. Why? Because since he was 3, I've always given him one every single time he has come to visit me. He expects it because I have trained him to. Imagine if one day I just stopped. How would he react? He would probably go through the 12 stages of grief...that little bugger...but would it be fair for me to get mad at him for whatever negative response he had? No."
"Fitz is not a child. Your analogy doesn't work, Auntie."
"Yep, but he still has expectations that you accepted and reinforced. For years, you have been happy to be a stay at home mom-at least that's what I thought-you have seemed okay with him taking the lead in most things. That's what I have observed."
"I wanted to be there for my children, but now I want to work. I need more than motherhood and being a wife."
"You need to talk to him. Tell him what you need. Tell him what isn't working."
"But I have. And then there is Jake-"
"Based on what you've told me about him, he seems too friendly. "
"We are just colleagues. Fitz choked him tonight, by the way. It was just wrong Fitz was out of control."
"Why was Jake at your house?"
"He agreed to drive us to the airport."
"Why did you involve him? Why not ask one of your friends or your cousins? I don't get it, Olivia. You know Fitz better than anyone."
"Yes and that's the problem," Olivia said, "I didn't want to go into detail with them about what was going on with Fitz and me."
"But you felt comfortable talking go Jake about it?"
"But-"
"Baby, I have to go. Since you and the kids aren't coming, your uncle and I are going out for dinner. You're going to have to sort this out."
Olivia heard a knock on the door. She knew it was him.
"Come in."
She heard him walk in the room, but she wouldn't look at him.
"Livy."
She finally looked up and their eyes met. He looked sad. She looked away.
"Can we talk about this?"
"No, not now. I'm tired and I want to go to bed."
"I'm going to camp in the backyard with the kids. Do you want to join us?"
She still wouldn't look at him. "No."
She felt him walking towards her. The mattress gave from his weight. He pulled her chin around until they were eye to eye.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
"Yes," she answered just before he bent his head towards hers.
She snatched her head away before his lips met hers. "No, Fitz. We will talk tomorrow."
After he left, she placed her head on the pillow, allowing her thoughts to travel back to the first day they met.
