Never Meant to Save Anyone: by Thepkrmgc

(everything fallout related belongs to Bethesda, I'm just filling in a few gaps in the list of vaults)

On October 23 hundreds of thousands of people packed themselves into specially prepared vaults with the belief that they were granted a reprieve from the horrors of nuclear war. Unbeknownst to them the vaults were the product of the largest social experiment the world has ever known, commissioned by their governments to study the effects of prolonged isolation on the human psyche. Designed to simulate the conditions of a potential colony ship, in the vaults nobody can hear you scream. After all, the vaults were never meant to save anyone.

Vault 2: instead of light bulbs, whale oil lamps were provided

Vault 4: no caffeinated beverages were provided

Vault 5: no non-caffeinated beverages were provided; caffeine was incorporated into extruded rations.

Vault 7: instead of traditional meals, food processors extruded only pure cane sugar

Vault 9: water taps were impossible to turn off and drains were designed to clog regularly, the vault was stocked entirely with hydrophobic people

Vault 10: vault populated entirely by clowns

Vault 14: mirrors were bolted two every surface capable of supporting them.

Vault 16: vault was populated entirely by insomniacs; a curfew was imposed between the hours of 5:00 pm and 7:00 am

Vault 18: occupants were allowed to bring pets, which were given a mandatory rabies injection upon entrance

Vault 20: population consists entirely of college professors; powdered mentats were incorporated into all meals

Vault 23: no pip boys were provided

Vault 25: of the 1000 people admitted, none were literate.

Vault 26: all instructions were printed in braille

Vault 28: everyone admitted was between the ages of 15 and 17

Vault 30: vault population consisted entirely of soldiers pulled from the anchorage front lines; gunfire was played over the PA system at random intervals

Vault 31: vault population consists entirely of chain smokers, no cigarettes were provided

Vault 32, instead of water, hygienic facilities were designed to dispense vodka

Vault 33: no waste recycling facilities were provided

Vault 35: residents were provided with top hats upon entrance to be worn at all time, being discovered without a top hat is considered a capital offence

Vault 37: vault population consisted of a couple and 998 wax sculptures of historical figures

Vault 38: in lieu of cooking facilities the vault was supplied with 10,000 toaster ovens

Vault 40: housing quarters were not stocked with beds

Vault 41: housing quarters were stocked with beds specially designed to be ergonomically unsuitable for humans

Vault 44: no weapons were provided and no security personal

Vault 45: tacks were incorporated into all furniture

Vault: 46: built under Death Valley, the air conditioning systems were designed to stop functioning after a period of two months

Vault 47: the edges of all metallic surfaces were sharpened; the population consisted entirely of hemophiliacs

Vault 48: vault medical personnel were not authorized to issue anesthesia during operations, first aid kits were not stocked with med-x

Vault 49: Christmas carols were played nonstop over the PA system; only those of Jewish faith were admitted.

Vault 50: all entertainment tapes were replaced by 100,000 still photos of Joe Biden eating a sandwich printed on every flat surface in the vault

Vault 51: all software and instruction manuals are written in mandarin Chinese, anyone exhibiting the ability to read them is to be shot for communist infiltration.

Vault 52: upon reaching maturity each resident is surgically implanted with rose tinted glasses.

Vault 54: each resident is given a motorcycle for personal transit

Vault 57: the sound of crickets is played 24/7 over the public address system

Vault 58: in lieu of scalpels, vault auto-docs were fitted with military grade rippers

Vault 59: no vault door was provided

Vault 60: all Vault tec furniture and machinery was welded to the ceiling

(A/N this is the product of a few hours of vault based jokes with a friend, if I think of any new ideas I'll post a new chapter and if you think of any funny (but appropriate) ones please share them with me and ill put them in with your name attached)