for ibikis day of2/2/2013 c1 Jesus and his Lawyers
Claire the Logic Fairy here, and as soon as I saw the grammar win in the summary, I just knew I had to pick this up for reviewing, and man do you live up to my expectations. I love how you say you were challenged to do it, as if you're a celebrity who's time and writing is hecka valuable. So, though this isn't my fandom, I think we should get on with it, yes?
GRAMMAR
Run on sentences, clunky paragraphs, awkward phrasing, NO QUOTATION MARKS, misspellings, and basic suckery.
Are you kidding me? This is third grade stuff.
Quotation marks look like double apostrophes and are generally used to show dialogue. Of course, you've decided to disregard this.
"That's f*cking stupid," said Claire the Logic Fairy.
That should just be common sense, and I don't understand how one. . . doesn't understand quotation marks. Really? REALLY?
The length and lack of detail would be surprising, if it weren't for the hodge podge of run on sentences, and your inability to hit the godd*mn 'enter' key once in a while.
CHARACTER
There is no character. There is nothing for me to say here, at all, because there is literally no character at all. Who are these people? I have no idea. The story movies so quickly that there really is no room to even let me get to know these people in the slightest, so I don't know or care about what's happening.
STORY/PLOT
Just to recap: Girl is in basement. Girl sees corpse. Girl is knocked out with Generic Plot Convenient Drug. Girl meets Generic Villain. Girl is interrogated. Girl. . . dies. Somehow.
So, you managed to go through all that in 300 odd words with no detail, no description, not even any transition, just wham-bam-thank you mam style writing which makes you look incredibly amateur and childish.
I wish I could say anything more, but there really isn't anything for me to review here, at all.
Learn to write actual sentences, or at least form a basic story line, then come back.
-Claire: Logic Fairy
Claire the Logic Fairy here, and as soon as I saw the grammar win in the summary, I just knew I had to pick this up for reviewing, and man do you live up to my expectations. I love how you say you were challenged to do it, as if you're a celebrity who's time and writing is hecka valuable. So, though this isn't my fandom, I think we should get on with it, yes?
GRAMMAR
Run on sentences, clunky paragraphs, awkward phrasing, NO QUOTATION MARKS, misspellings, and basic suckery.
Are you kidding me? This is third grade stuff.
Quotation marks look like double apostrophes and are generally used to show dialogue. Of course, you've decided to disregard this.
"That's f*cking stupid," said Claire the Logic Fairy.
That should just be common sense, and I don't understand how one. . . doesn't understand quotation marks. Really? REALLY?
The length and lack of detail would be surprising, if it weren't for the hodge podge of run on sentences, and your inability to hit the godd*mn 'enter' key once in a while.
CHARACTER
There is no character. There is nothing for me to say here, at all, because there is literally no character at all. Who are these people? I have no idea. The story movies so quickly that there really is no room to even let me get to know these people in the slightest, so I don't know or care about what's happening.
STORY/PLOT
Just to recap: Girl is in basement. Girl sees corpse. Girl is knocked out with Generic Plot Convenient Drug. Girl meets Generic Villain. Girl is interrogated. Girl. . . dies. Somehow.
So, you managed to go through all that in 300 odd words with no detail, no description, not even any transition, just wham-bam-thank you mam style writing which makes you look incredibly amateur and childish.
I wish I could say anything more, but there really isn't anything for me to review here, at all.
Learn to write actual sentences, or at least form a basic story line, then come back.
-Claire: Logic Fairy
