for fallen angels9/2/2012 c1 
17DeltaG
Before I say anything, note that this is not "hate" or a "flame." It is a "concrit" (Constructive criticism.)
Your first line: "Commander, yes sergeant buck?" Should be as where you can tell who is speaking. Like: "Commander?" Sergeant Buck asked. "Yes, sergeant Buck?" the commander replied. Also, names need to be capitalized, like Buck.
Also, your second line: .at the commander tent should be: *Insert line here* At the commander's tent:
And fifth line: Buck thought let's see we need to be fast... Should be: Buck thought, *Thought here in italics or another way of signaling a thought other than regular text.*
To be fair, you may want to ask for a Beta, or get some more concrit from more adept writers than me, but I think this is what you need to work on right now. Once again, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by posting this, but I'm pointing out your mistakes to help you be a better writer.
Hope you take the advice.
17DeltaGBefore I say anything, note that this is not "hate" or a "flame." It is a "concrit" (Constructive criticism.)
Your first line: "Commander, yes sergeant buck?" Should be as where you can tell who is speaking. Like: "Commander?" Sergeant Buck asked. "Yes, sergeant Buck?" the commander replied. Also, names need to be capitalized, like Buck.
Also, your second line: .at the commander tent should be: *Insert line here* At the commander's tent:
And fifth line: Buck thought let's see we need to be fast... Should be: Buck thought, *Thought here in italics or another way of signaling a thought other than regular text.*
To be fair, you may want to ask for a Beta, or get some more concrit from more adept writers than me, but I think this is what you need to work on right now. Once again, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by posting this, but I'm pointing out your mistakes to help you be a better writer.
Hope you take the advice.
