for endroll10/27/2014 c9 guest
I'm glad to see from your profile that this will, hopefully, be starting up again soon. Your writing's so good, I have a hard time remembering that the kids here are not from the actual manga!
This is one of my favorite chapters. For an "info-dump", it feels very engaging and fresh, even suspenseful. I didn't notice any factual errors (been a while since I read Spiral, though), and I don't think you missed anything. Though, the whole clone business and the missing rib bit (that Yaiba was born missing a rib, and had a rib surgically extracted from each of his children) are not addressed here, I can easily see why; neither are that particularly relevant to the immediate issue, and the kids are already reeling as it is, but I'm looking forward to see how they come up in the future.
I'm glad to see from your profile that this will, hopefully, be starting up again soon. Your writing's so good, I have a hard time remembering that the kids here are not from the actual manga!
This is one of my favorite chapters. For an "info-dump", it feels very engaging and fresh, even suspenseful. I didn't notice any factual errors (been a while since I read Spiral, though), and I don't think you missed anything. Though, the whole clone business and the missing rib bit (that Yaiba was born missing a rib, and had a rib surgically extracted from each of his children) are not addressed here, I can easily see why; neither are that particularly relevant to the immediate issue, and the kids are already reeling as it is, but I'm looking forward to see how they come up in the future.
8/4/2012 c12 Guest
I really apprepriate your amazingly enthralling work!
great job and keep it up!
I really apprepriate your amazingly enthralling work!
great job and keep it up!
7/20/2012 c5 Guest
I must write a review here I guess
(Actually this is my first review...)
I am totally attracted by your mysteries and I am so happy to see that Ayumu and Hiyono are so happily together!
I also quite like the Mitsuko you created
Keep it up! Waiting here for a so-called happy ending.
I must write a review here I guess
(Actually this is my first review...)
I am totally attracted by your mysteries and I am so happy to see that Ayumu and Hiyono are so happily together!
I also quite like the Mitsuko you created
Keep it up! Waiting here for a so-called happy ending.
6/12/2012 c12 Yaya
I know I havent sent u a review in a while but I have an excuse! I was grounded...hm. Well I hope this writers block will go away and you will start writing again! Luv ur story! Hugs!
I know I havent sent u a review in a while but I have an excuse! I was grounded...hm. Well I hope this writers block will go away and you will start writing again! Luv ur story! Hugs!
4/17/2012 c12 FadingNoctis
Amazing story! I love how you've been able to incorporate mystery, drama, and romance all in one. (Even better that you've kept Ayumu alive. ^-^)
Can't wait for the next chapter!
P.S. If the plot/author allows it, I would love more AyumuxHiyono parts. (I know this story is under "Mystery", but I can hope, can't I?)
Keep up the great work. ^-^
Amazing story! I love how you've been able to incorporate mystery, drama, and romance all in one. (Even better that you've kept Ayumu alive. ^-^)
Can't wait for the next chapter!
P.S. If the plot/author allows it, I would love more AyumuxHiyono parts. (I know this story is under "Mystery", but I can hope, can't I?)
Keep up the great work. ^-^
4/6/2012 c12 
72Azalee
Oh God I knew it was going to be the seashell but it still killed me.
*killed*
Oooh everyone is such a poor baby ;w; ... except Rio who's just her adorable cheerful, optimistic self.
72AzaleeOh God I knew it was going to be the seashell but it still killed me.
*killed*
Oooh everyone is such a poor baby ;w; ... except Rio who's just her adorable cheerful, optimistic self.
3/25/2012 c11 Yaya
Heck yah! Fluffy Love!
Omg! Whats gonna happen next?
Who is Lacuna's mom!
What is going to happen to both Mitsuko and Lacuna?
I better find out by the next chapter, or else!
JK
;)
Heck yah! Fluffy Love!
Omg! Whats gonna happen next?
Who is Lacuna's mom!
What is going to happen to both Mitsuko and Lacuna?
I better find out by the next chapter, or else!
JK
;)
3/25/2012 c11 Azalee
Oooooh dear.
Oh dear.
You got me very, very, very concerned about Aiha-chan now (that kind of line is NOT a good thing to say in the Spiral universe), but that last line is even more of a shocker. I'm trying to work out the math behind that, very happy with what I can come up with but absolutely unsure. The teenage angst was completely worth it, and bearable ;) (Everyone making fun of them certainly helped.)
Oooooh dear.
Oh dear.
You got me very, very, very concerned about Aiha-chan now (that kind of line is NOT a good thing to say in the Spiral universe), but that last line is even more of a shocker. I'm trying to work out the math behind that, very happy with what I can come up with but absolutely unsure. The teenage angst was completely worth it, and bearable ;) (Everyone making fun of them certainly helped.)
3/16/2012 c10 Azalee
MCalhen said it all about chapter 9 already... but I'm still loving the plot and enjoying the characters more and more. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai, ahahahhaa. I loved her summary of the Kanone debacle. ("Yeah that Kanone guy and your dad were a little weird, but whatever.")
And oh Lacuna you adorable, awkward, gigantic idiot :'') MITSUKO IS FALLING, THOUGH~
For some reason my favorite part is the silly detail that Kirie got banned from campus, but you've really dealt well with everything, especially the infodump which wasn't boring even though we already know everything (though ah, I *think* there's a factual error and that 80 is the number of Blade Children Rio says are in Japan during the series, and the original number created was higher (though I don't remember it being not stated), but I'm not sure and I can't check right now ^^" SPIRAL CANON FACTS.), and everybody's reactions. Especially Mai's! Be careful not to turn her into little less than a constantly angry cockblock though, especially since she's been getting less screentime because of Mitsuko's Lacuna-related issues.
She, Kirie and Rio are going to make such a fun little team.
Oh, and I really wasn't expecting the bit about Aiha! Well done keeping the tension up even after the reveal. This is intriguing.
MCalhen said it all about chapter 9 already... but I'm still loving the plot and enjoying the characters more and more. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai, ahahahhaa. I loved her summary of the Kanone debacle. ("Yeah that Kanone guy and your dad were a little weird, but whatever.")
And oh Lacuna you adorable, awkward, gigantic idiot :'') MITSUKO IS FALLING, THOUGH~
For some reason my favorite part is the silly detail that Kirie got banned from campus, but you've really dealt well with everything, especially the infodump which wasn't boring even though we already know everything (though ah, I *think* there's a factual error and that 80 is the number of Blade Children Rio says are in Japan during the series, and the original number created was higher (though I don't remember it being not stated), but I'm not sure and I can't check right now ^^" SPIRAL CANON FACTS.), and everybody's reactions. Especially Mai's! Be careful not to turn her into little less than a constantly angry cockblock though, especially since she's been getting less screentime because of Mitsuko's Lacuna-related issues.
She, Kirie and Rio are going to make such a fun little team.
Oh, and I really wasn't expecting the bit about Aiha! Well done keeping the tension up even after the reveal. This is intriguing.
3/8/2012 c9 Yaya
Whats happening next! Hurry up and post! Plz make mitsuko start to develop a love interest for a certain white haired boy! Help mai find a girlfriend! Hurry! I want luvy dovey fluff! Onegai!
Whats happening next! Hurry up and post! Plz make mitsuko start to develop a love interest for a certain white haired boy! Help mai find a girlfriend! Hurry! I want luvy dovey fluff! Onegai!
2/24/2012 c9 mushyk
Ah, I see what has you apprehensive - you had to "recap" a lot of the details that many Spiral fans already know. Info dumps make writers nervous, anyway, I think, but when you're recalling information because you can't leave it out - because the characters in this don't know - it's difficult to be entirely comfortable with it, I think. I still went through it with my mind set on trying to make sure if I caught anything, to point it out.
"The brunette's expression was deadpan. "I cried after I kicked you around."
"So did I!""
And I cried from laughing so hard. xD (And I really wish I could use italic coding here - it feels weird adding more quotations in all that."
"It was. And that was why there were those who apposed Yaiba's plan."
I think you meant "opposed" there?
I had suspected that Wataya told on them. At first, I didn't think Ayumu and Hiyono had found the postcards - that they'd been stolen by the person that sent them. xD Then I realized in chapter eight that my guess was wrong, and I figured Wataya probably said -something- about it to Madoka or even Ayumu directly. And Madoka would have definitely told Ayumu about something this important...
I'm glad - despite that it isn't pleasant - that you had Mai react to the fact that her parents are blood relations. I imagined that would HAVE to be a shock for her. Just seems realistic that she'd flip out about it. She seems expressive to begin with, but it helps show the difference on how each of them takes it, too. And they all have their own shocks, it seems - like Mitsuko finding out her uncle is "god", Lacuna's puzzling parentage, and Mai discovering that her parents are half-siblings.
I really didn't catch any errors, though - there is one thing I'm wondering, but I don't know much about DNA testing so it sounds stupid to nitpick the possibility. But then, science has always been a little further in Spiral in some ways. Otherwise, Ayumu would be dead from being cloned, for instance. So yeah.
But overall, you summarized everything very well, I think? You still had Lacuna, Mitsuko, and Mai all bringing in their reactions to this and asking questions, which helped keep the info "fresh". Plus, it's intriguing to know that while Lacuna's mother is clearly another Blade Child, there's still a lot left to find out about his background. And how someone managed to make Eyes the father...
Which creates a whole new set of things to speculate and look forward to reading about.
Also, I had my chuckles at Lacuna and Kirie's dialogue back and forth. Ahahaha. :')
It was a pretty heavy chapter. I feel like when people specifically ask for concrit, I'm letting them down when I don't have much to really offer. ): So I'm sorry about that. Aza might be able to point out more helpful info, but in my case, I don't think I spotted any inaccuracies.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Ah, I see what has you apprehensive - you had to "recap" a lot of the details that many Spiral fans already know. Info dumps make writers nervous, anyway, I think, but when you're recalling information because you can't leave it out - because the characters in this don't know - it's difficult to be entirely comfortable with it, I think. I still went through it with my mind set on trying to make sure if I caught anything, to point it out.
"The brunette's expression was deadpan. "I cried after I kicked you around."
"So did I!""
And I cried from laughing so hard. xD (And I really wish I could use italic coding here - it feels weird adding more quotations in all that."
"It was. And that was why there were those who apposed Yaiba's plan."
I think you meant "opposed" there?
I had suspected that Wataya told on them. At first, I didn't think Ayumu and Hiyono had found the postcards - that they'd been stolen by the person that sent them. xD Then I realized in chapter eight that my guess was wrong, and I figured Wataya probably said -something- about it to Madoka or even Ayumu directly. And Madoka would have definitely told Ayumu about something this important...
I'm glad - despite that it isn't pleasant - that you had Mai react to the fact that her parents are blood relations. I imagined that would HAVE to be a shock for her. Just seems realistic that she'd flip out about it. She seems expressive to begin with, but it helps show the difference on how each of them takes it, too. And they all have their own shocks, it seems - like Mitsuko finding out her uncle is "god", Lacuna's puzzling parentage, and Mai discovering that her parents are half-siblings.
I really didn't catch any errors, though - there is one thing I'm wondering, but I don't know much about DNA testing so it sounds stupid to nitpick the possibility. But then, science has always been a little further in Spiral in some ways. Otherwise, Ayumu would be dead from being cloned, for instance. So yeah.
But overall, you summarized everything very well, I think? You still had Lacuna, Mitsuko, and Mai all bringing in their reactions to this and asking questions, which helped keep the info "fresh". Plus, it's intriguing to know that while Lacuna's mother is clearly another Blade Child, there's still a lot left to find out about his background. And how someone managed to make Eyes the father...
Which creates a whole new set of things to speculate and look forward to reading about.
Also, I had my chuckles at Lacuna and Kirie's dialogue back and forth. Ahahaha. :')
It was a pretty heavy chapter. I feel like when people specifically ask for concrit, I'm letting them down when I don't have much to really offer. ): So I'm sorry about that. Aza might be able to point out more helpful info, but in my case, I don't think I spotted any inaccuracies.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
2/22/2012 c8 mushyk
Must say, I really can appreciate how well you handled the phone conversation. I always find them difficult to write because they like to become back-and-forth dialogue without much else.
I'm inclined to agree with Lacuna - I really doubt Ayumu's mad at Mitsuko. Especially when Kirie doesn't seem upset at her, too. They're all probably worried, and I'm sure they're pissed at whoever is sending the postcards. It's a concerning situation.
I really do want to know what they discussed though, and how they'll approach the subject to Lacuna, Mai, and Mitsuko. For that matter, what did Ryouko and Kousuke tell their daughter? So many questions...
I do have a little bit of concrit on this chapter?
"her restless and troubled mind finally put to rest."
This sentence jolted me because of the physical closeness of "restless" and "rest" - I'm not sure how you feel about that, so I'll leave it up to you if you want to change one with a synonym. I know some writers do it, but it's been pointed out to me so much in my own writing over the years that I've started noticing it more and more? I...am not the best at delivering concrit, so I'm not sure if that was helpful or worded well. D:
I'm really anxious for the next chapter - though something tells me that after that, I'll want the next chapter... I'm also curious to know if they know Mitsuko visited Wataya. So much to find out!
(Also, yay! Rio, Eyes, Kirie! Glad to see they all make an appearance! x3)
Must say, I really can appreciate how well you handled the phone conversation. I always find them difficult to write because they like to become back-and-forth dialogue without much else.
I'm inclined to agree with Lacuna - I really doubt Ayumu's mad at Mitsuko. Especially when Kirie doesn't seem upset at her, too. They're all probably worried, and I'm sure they're pissed at whoever is sending the postcards. It's a concerning situation.
I really do want to know what they discussed though, and how they'll approach the subject to Lacuna, Mai, and Mitsuko. For that matter, what did Ryouko and Kousuke tell their daughter? So many questions...
I do have a little bit of concrit on this chapter?
"her restless and troubled mind finally put to rest."
This sentence jolted me because of the physical closeness of "restless" and "rest" - I'm not sure how you feel about that, so I'll leave it up to you if you want to change one with a synonym. I know some writers do it, but it's been pointed out to me so much in my own writing over the years that I've started noticing it more and more? I...am not the best at delivering concrit, so I'm not sure if that was helpful or worded well. D:
I'm really anxious for the next chapter - though something tells me that after that, I'll want the next chapter... I'm also curious to know if they know Mitsuko visited Wataya. So much to find out!
(Also, yay! Rio, Eyes, Kirie! Glad to see they all make an appearance! x3)
2/21/2012 c7 mushyk
Haha, Wataya's appearance has me so very amused. I like that you made him observant, which...yeah, he may not be up to the Narumi family as far as that is concerned, but he did become a detective for a reason. :'D
And Mai saying she'd get kicked down a flight of stairs sent me into giggles, thanks. xD
I want to know what happened between Lacuna and Mitsuko five years ago that she's so angry about! xD Either in this story or in a oneshot, haha.
I can't read the next chapter right now because I have things to do, drat, but I'll hopefully get to it in the next day or two. FFFF cliffhanger. I really don't think her parents discovered them first, though. But I shall see in the next chapter!
Haha, Wataya's appearance has me so very amused. I like that you made him observant, which...yeah, he may not be up to the Narumi family as far as that is concerned, but he did become a detective for a reason. :'D
And Mai saying she'd get kicked down a flight of stairs sent me into giggles, thanks. xD
I want to know what happened between Lacuna and Mitsuko five years ago that she's so angry about! xD Either in this story or in a oneshot, haha.
I can't read the next chapter right now because I have things to do, drat, but I'll hopefully get to it in the next day or two. FFFF cliffhanger. I really don't think her parents discovered them first, though. But I shall see in the next chapter!
2/19/2012 c8 Azalee
Is it bad that most of me was too busy squealing RIO RIO RIO RIO RIO to really feel for Mitsuko... I feel bad for her because yeah, Ayumu can look pretty scary when he wants to, but mostly I'm amused by how utterly doomed she is. Lakkun is already being a good boyfriend.
Wataya was sweet! I really loved that scene. And the part about how the kids can't even imagine how Kousuke was in his Tsukiomi years... :')
Well, well~ the plot is advancing (almost as fast as Lacuna)! Can't wait to read the big fallout discussion.
Is it bad that most of me was too busy squealing RIO RIO RIO RIO RIO to really feel for Mitsuko... I feel bad for her because yeah, Ayumu can look pretty scary when he wants to, but mostly I'm amused by how utterly doomed she is. Lakkun is already being a good boyfriend.
Wataya was sweet! I really loved that scene. And the part about how the kids can't even imagine how Kousuke was in his Tsukiomi years... :')
Well, well~ the plot is advancing (almost as fast as Lacuna)! Can't wait to read the big fallout discussion.
