for The Third Eon9/22/2012 c3 Guest
give a life to save another
give a life to save another
2/26/2012 c3 
4Tanon
I...the trials were weird. First Stratos, knowing that his mother was a human, suddenly thinks that a Latias is his mother?
Then you bring up the second trial, which doesn't make any sense at all. If God were meant to be a spiritual person, then why would he have a physical trial? Also, how would being able to outrun X number of angels justify his reincarnation? It doesn't make sense.
Another blip is the scene when Stratos finally meets Latios again. Latios is unrealistic. He manages to shift so quickly from fear and disbelief to relief that the reader is left wondering how gullible Latios is to believe that Stratos had reincarnated again. There are several more plausible explanations for another eon, like a Ditto or Mew using transform.
What I did like was the prank Latios and Stratos played at the end of the chapter. It was a bit indulgent, but it was still funny.
As for the idea that Arceus isn't the creator, it seems to be a meaningless deviation from canon. Canon states that Arceus is the creator, and you had no reason for writing the fic so that the King of Kings was Arceus. It's not like Arceus lives on earth.
Finally, try using shorter paragraphs. A huge wall of text is much harder to read than several small blocks of text.
The fic was readable, but I didn't really like it. There were too many question marks in the first chapter and this one for me to be able to suspend disbelief and enjoy the chapter. Also, you need to work on your grammar somewhat. You seem to have most of the basics down, but it wouldn't hurt to get a beta reader.
4TanonI...the trials were weird. First Stratos, knowing that his mother was a human, suddenly thinks that a Latias is his mother?
Then you bring up the second trial, which doesn't make any sense at all. If God were meant to be a spiritual person, then why would he have a physical trial? Also, how would being able to outrun X number of angels justify his reincarnation? It doesn't make sense.
Another blip is the scene when Stratos finally meets Latios again. Latios is unrealistic. He manages to shift so quickly from fear and disbelief to relief that the reader is left wondering how gullible Latios is to believe that Stratos had reincarnated again. There are several more plausible explanations for another eon, like a Ditto or Mew using transform.
What I did like was the prank Latios and Stratos played at the end of the chapter. It was a bit indulgent, but it was still funny.
As for the idea that Arceus isn't the creator, it seems to be a meaningless deviation from canon. Canon states that Arceus is the creator, and you had no reason for writing the fic so that the King of Kings was Arceus. It's not like Arceus lives on earth.
Finally, try using shorter paragraphs. A huge wall of text is much harder to read than several small blocks of text.
The fic was readable, but I didn't really like it. There were too many question marks in the first chapter and this one for me to be able to suspend disbelief and enjoy the chapter. Also, you need to work on your grammar somewhat. You seem to have most of the basics down, but it wouldn't hurt to get a beta reader.
2/20/2012 c2 Tanon
I have to stop here, I'm afraid.
Stratos is totally bogus. I mean, he's practically a ninja with his twin swords and shruikens and what-not. I don't care that he's a hybrid that's emotionally abused by everyone; giving him weapons like that that he can use with such impunity is just too Sueish.
Secondly, the whole concept of your 'heaven' is screwed up. I'm a Free Thinker, but I don't have anything against Christanity; no, my problem is with this:
"No… You were already allowed in because of your blood. You were more Eon than human. Surpassing judgment and listing you as an exception."
"So… Every Pokémon isn't to be judged?" The man smiled, "Yes…'
I mean, WTF. The system is meant to be fair, not screwy and biased towards certain pokemon/humans.
Finally, the whole fertilization idea is...how did a latios get into contact with a fertilization company and how did they convince him to give them his sperm? You can't even test sperm for a 'match'. That's just BS. Any sperm works on any egg of the same species. If anything, Latios' sperm would have been less likely to work.
The grammar and spelling are good, but you gotta work out the kinks and details in the story before committing.
I have to stop here, I'm afraid.
Stratos is totally bogus. I mean, he's practically a ninja with his twin swords and shruikens and what-not. I don't care that he's a hybrid that's emotionally abused by everyone; giving him weapons like that that he can use with such impunity is just too Sueish.
Secondly, the whole concept of your 'heaven' is screwed up. I'm a Free Thinker, but I don't have anything against Christanity; no, my problem is with this:
"No… You were already allowed in because of your blood. You were more Eon than human. Surpassing judgment and listing you as an exception."
"So… Every Pokémon isn't to be judged?" The man smiled, "Yes…'
I mean, WTF. The system is meant to be fair, not screwy and biased towards certain pokemon/humans.
Finally, the whole fertilization idea is...how did a latios get into contact with a fertilization company and how did they convince him to give them his sperm? You can't even test sperm for a 'match'. That's just BS. Any sperm works on any egg of the same species. If anything, Latios' sperm would have been less likely to work.
The grammar and spelling are good, but you gotta work out the kinks and details in the story before committing.
2/17/2012 c1 Tanon
Just a complementary review for writing 12k words without a single review...I'll read and leave a proper one later on.
Just a complementary review for writing 12k words without a single review...I'll read and leave a proper one later on.
