for RV: Descendant of 'The Mirror'11/25/2010 c2 Triple K
Too many OC's and choppy writing. That's about the gist of what needs to be reworked. Also OC's should support the main cast not be the main cast. When using them use them as little as possible and never have them outshine or outpower the Rosario characters. Well the maybe Moka at least for now. About the only thing that can ignored in that light is maybe a villain, but nothing overboard that they could rival God in terms of power. If only the writing itself is cleaned up and the OC's aren't tone downed. I doubt I'll be interested in reading a remake. I want to read about my favorite Rosario characters, not a bunch of unknown OC's.
Too many OC's and choppy writing. That's about the gist of what needs to be reworked. Also OC's should support the main cast not be the main cast. When using them use them as little as possible and never have them outshine or outpower the Rosario characters. Well the maybe Moka at least for now. About the only thing that can ignored in that light is maybe a villain, but nothing overboard that they could rival God in terms of power. If only the writing itself is cleaned up and the OC's aren't tone downed. I doubt I'll be interested in reading a remake. I want to read about my favorite Rosario characters, not a bunch of unknown OC's.
8/3/2010 c2 Tsukoa fan
Really good, but i'd like it more if it was not so boringly accurate to the manga! ...Oh, and I think she should be a shade!
Really good, but i'd like it more if it was not so boringly accurate to the manga! ...Oh, and I think she should be a shade!
3/18/2010 c2 Platinumsabr
I won't leave a verified review because those you can't delete, and I've been known to dwell a bit too much on the constructive criticism part of things and not enough on the encouragement.
To be honest, the formatting hindered my interest right off the bat. Use a proper word processor, Office or otherwise, I'm sure FF offers OpenOffice in its homepage, and set it to "normal + web" is what I believe it is. If you can't find that setting, simply copy and paste something with the correct formatting from this site and it will automatically change the settings, at least that's what happens with any of the Word documents I've used. Presto chango, you now have a file that will give you an extra space between all paragraphs without you doing anything, which is proper for this site. I'd tell you to just use an extra space between them all, but that would get deleted instantly in the upload process and isn't worth the hassle.
A lot of the speaking was hard to follow, while others were just simply confusing. I'm not unfamiliar to OC's, as you know, but there's something to be said about inserting so many right away. This isn't a bad thing mind you, just something very hard to pull off, especially without enough proper explanation. During the process of re-uploading a reformatted version of the story, I would say a bit more background should be inserted. The whole thing comes across as very straightforward, just character talking upon character talking. I know it would be tedious to give a more detailed description considering you've already read the manga, but you were the one that decided to start from the beginning. The best way to integrate new characters into a story is to give them a world to assimilate into believably, and to do that you need to establish the universe you're writing about, which can't be done in a straightforward manner.
Speaking of detailed descriptions and whatnot, unless you have a certain point-of-view in mind, it's probably best to use a more omnipresent, or third-person, style. When referring to things as being referenced to by another, you should never use 'you'. As in, "it looked as if you were looking at..." or something like that. In cases like that it's always preferable to use 'one', as in, "if one was looking at it from afar they would think..." Referring to 'you' outside of a conversation done by characters alludes to the reader, and that's not something that should be done if we're going on proper grammar and English.
Don't be afraid to delve into the characters' mindsets and feelings as you write. Give the reader a peek into what's going on inside them, not just what's going on around them. It doesn't need to be all thought aloud by them, just write as if you're setting the scene for actors trying to get a grasp on their characters, not like a script that reads one line at a time. This will make everything seems so much more real and, in my opinion, give your OC's a better likability in the long run. Characters can only be liked when a reader can relate and empathize, which is why we all love the originals that have been fleshed out through so many chapters.
I don't know what else to say, mostly because the story hasn't advanced far enough for me to give you a very good opinion on anything other than the grammar and formatting. You've got a solid idea and the groundwork in place, so I can see myself looking forward to what becomes of it. If you take the time to rework some aspects I think you'll have a bit more interest. I'm sorry it took so long for me to review after you asked me to.
Keep on writing! That's the only way to improve, believe me I know, LOL! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, and please delete this if once again I've failed at trying to help and instead only come across as hard and belittling.
Sabr.
I won't leave a verified review because those you can't delete, and I've been known to dwell a bit too much on the constructive criticism part of things and not enough on the encouragement.
To be honest, the formatting hindered my interest right off the bat. Use a proper word processor, Office or otherwise, I'm sure FF offers OpenOffice in its homepage, and set it to "normal + web" is what I believe it is. If you can't find that setting, simply copy and paste something with the correct formatting from this site and it will automatically change the settings, at least that's what happens with any of the Word documents I've used. Presto chango, you now have a file that will give you an extra space between all paragraphs without you doing anything, which is proper for this site. I'd tell you to just use an extra space between them all, but that would get deleted instantly in the upload process and isn't worth the hassle.
A lot of the speaking was hard to follow, while others were just simply confusing. I'm not unfamiliar to OC's, as you know, but there's something to be said about inserting so many right away. This isn't a bad thing mind you, just something very hard to pull off, especially without enough proper explanation. During the process of re-uploading a reformatted version of the story, I would say a bit more background should be inserted. The whole thing comes across as very straightforward, just character talking upon character talking. I know it would be tedious to give a more detailed description considering you've already read the manga, but you were the one that decided to start from the beginning. The best way to integrate new characters into a story is to give them a world to assimilate into believably, and to do that you need to establish the universe you're writing about, which can't be done in a straightforward manner.
Speaking of detailed descriptions and whatnot, unless you have a certain point-of-view in mind, it's probably best to use a more omnipresent, or third-person, style. When referring to things as being referenced to by another, you should never use 'you'. As in, "it looked as if you were looking at..." or something like that. In cases like that it's always preferable to use 'one', as in, "if one was looking at it from afar they would think..." Referring to 'you' outside of a conversation done by characters alludes to the reader, and that's not something that should be done if we're going on proper grammar and English.
Don't be afraid to delve into the characters' mindsets and feelings as you write. Give the reader a peek into what's going on inside them, not just what's going on around them. It doesn't need to be all thought aloud by them, just write as if you're setting the scene for actors trying to get a grasp on their characters, not like a script that reads one line at a time. This will make everything seems so much more real and, in my opinion, give your OC's a better likability in the long run. Characters can only be liked when a reader can relate and empathize, which is why we all love the originals that have been fleshed out through so many chapters.
I don't know what else to say, mostly because the story hasn't advanced far enough for me to give you a very good opinion on anything other than the grammar and formatting. You've got a solid idea and the groundwork in place, so I can see myself looking forward to what becomes of it. If you take the time to rework some aspects I think you'll have a bit more interest. I'm sorry it took so long for me to review after you asked me to.
Keep on writing! That's the only way to improve, believe me I know, LOL! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, and please delete this if once again I've failed at trying to help and instead only come across as hard and belittling.
Sabr.
2/28/2010 c2 4zn ninj4
While your beginning chapter was fairly interesting, I find your story a little hard to follow. It may be because of all new characters introduced, or the flow of the story (it seems a little more rushed than most), or it could just be that the spacing is a little... weird? (giant paragraphs of scary ")... It could also just be me of course. This story takes a completely different path from the canon story that everyone is used to, and likes (which is probably why people keep coming back to read fanfics in the first place; they like seeing canon with tweaks, or flow in different directions). What I'm trying to say is, I'm having a hard time finding elements from the canon that I am familiar to (with all of the new OCs running around, doing their business, it's A LOT to take in all at once). A lot is happening, but I don't really understand why yet...
While your beginning chapter was fairly interesting, I find your story a little hard to follow. It may be because of all new characters introduced, or the flow of the story (it seems a little more rushed than most), or it could just be that the spacing is a little... weird? (giant paragraphs of scary ")... It could also just be me of course. This story takes a completely different path from the canon story that everyone is used to, and likes (which is probably why people keep coming back to read fanfics in the first place; they like seeing canon with tweaks, or flow in different directions). What I'm trying to say is, I'm having a hard time finding elements from the canon that I am familiar to (with all of the new OCs running around, doing their business, it's A LOT to take in all at once). A lot is happening, but I don't really understand why yet...
2/4/2010 c1 
2RoasrioDorkfish
so far sounds interesting. I look forward to the next chapter. I would suggesting something but i have not seen enough of this story too. please update soon.
2RoasrioDorkfishso far sounds interesting. I look forward to the next chapter. I would suggesting something but i have not seen enough of this story too. please update soon.
