for The Valkyrie Chronicles: Alpha Centauri
1095/8/2016 c1 The Advisor
"Said" is used too many times. Try replacing it with "stated, exclaimed, groaned, moaned, cried, yelled," etc., and moving these to end of statements. Change your punctuation up a bit to mix it up a little, which makes things more readable. ex. 'Gabriel said "Thank god."' could be read better as '"Thank God!" Gabriel exclaimed.'
(also, you should capitalize God/Lord in the context of "Thank God", "Thank the Lord", or "oh my God". God/the Lord refers to the Abrahamic/Christian name/title "God", which means that these titles are treated as proper names, as are their French version "Dieu" and Islamic-Arabic version "Allah". The Japanese "kami" and English "deity" are more general, but are unusable in this case)
Your paragraphs are a bit too big. I'd like to read this story, but the size of the paragraphs means that it's almost impossible. Try starting a new paragraph with every new line of dialouge, and with every change in subject. This spaces things out more, and thus makes reading easier.
Check the sentence length, too. If a sentence is too long, it becomes hard to understand. for example, in the last sentence you can remove "and", finish the sentence at "doors", making "once" the start of a new sentence.
Don't bother too much with spelling, though, because that is mostly correct.
Sorry for going a bit crazy there. I'm just really obsessive about legibility.
"Said" is used too many times. Try replacing it with "stated, exclaimed, groaned, moaned, cried, yelled," etc., and moving these to end of statements. Change your punctuation up a bit to mix it up a little, which makes things more readable. ex. 'Gabriel said "Thank god."' could be read better as '"Thank God!" Gabriel exclaimed.'
(also, you should capitalize God/Lord in the context of "Thank God", "Thank the Lord", or "oh my God". God/the Lord refers to the Abrahamic/Christian name/title "God", which means that these titles are treated as proper names, as are their French version "Dieu" and Islamic-Arabic version "Allah". The Japanese "kami" and English "deity" are more general, but are unusable in this case)
Your paragraphs are a bit too big. I'd like to read this story, but the size of the paragraphs means that it's almost impossible. Try starting a new paragraph with every new line of dialouge, and with every change in subject. This spaces things out more, and thus makes reading easier.
Check the sentence length, too. If a sentence is too long, it becomes hard to understand. for example, in the last sentence you can remove "and", finish the sentence at "doors", making "once" the start of a new sentence.
Don't bother too much with spelling, though, because that is mostly correct.
Sorry for going a bit crazy there. I'm just really obsessive about legibility.
